Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dear Been There, Done That...

Allow me creative license as I quote your comment:

There is always a second side to things. You've already lost your Mom. Don't throw away your father too. His family is still your family. Sure they aren't grandma and aunts but they are step-grandma and aunts and still related to M. Parents are people too.

Perhaps you did not read the part about my father throwing me away. Perhaps you didn't note how I was given an ultimatum to treat his wife as my mother and her daughters as my sisters, or he would not be part of my life. Maybe you missed the part where it was directly dictated, "If I am to be Grandpa, then ****** is to be Grandma and **** and **** are to be aunts." You might have missed how I have been given no choice but to act as if my family of 30 years did not exist simply because he has a new life and that new life needs to replace all I've ever known. Not co-exist, mind you, but replace, per my dad. His family is NOT related to me or my family unless I CHOOSE it to be that way. And I could have very easily chosen it that way if I was not given the ultimatum of all or nothing--new replaces old--but that was not an option my father was ok with. He very easily replaced his wife; not so easy to replace my mom. And if his wife and I were allowed to be friends and familial with no expectation that she and her daughters were my "new mommy and new sissies" then things could be different. Those are all choices of my father, however, and I will not be moved.

You are right. Parents are people. MY PARENT was my mother. Dead or alive, still my mother. My father told me if I don't accept his wife as my mother and her daughters as my sisters, he was not my father. Who's doing the throwing away here?

As always, thank you for the opportunity to clear up any misconception that you or others may have had. I languished ALL day on Sunday about not calling or emailing or sending my father his Father's Day card. I cried. I worried. I prayed. I asked John if I was making the right decision by not contacting him. And you know what my very level-headed, arbitrary, impartial husband said? "His choice."

Sad as it was, it was his choice.


  1. Is there a even very slim chance your dad will ever read your blog or someone who knows your dad who will tell him about your blog? If so, will there be any hope of reconciliation then....when he sees what you've so publically said about him? Even if it is all true and justified on your part, it seems that you are very much shutting the door on the relationship as well. As poorly as he's behaved, your behavior in dissing on him on your blog seems very IS obvious you still love him and you believe he parented you well when you were growing up. So he's made and is currently making poor choices now. Why not pray for him and the grace for yourself to react to his statements and decisions with wisdom and Christ-centered love? Sure, vent to a few trusted friends and John, ask them for their guidance and wisdom and prayers. But the way you are reacting, well, seems pretty bitter....and gossipy. So he's cut you off....hard to show him love when he does that, huh? Maybe not blogging about how mad he makes you (and thus leaving the door open a crack for him to repent/you to reconcile with each other) is one small way you can express that love.

  2. Sorry for all the drama, Lori. Our dad got remarried in his 50's. We were in our 20's and 30's. His wife was over 40 and her kids were almost adults. It's not like we grew up with our dad's new wife. I really liked her. I was very nice to her and had no problem with her emulating a grandparent role with my KIDS (who were under 10) since they were too young to understand her technical legal family standing as step-grandmother. It wasn't til our dad tried to force us to call her our mother and her daughters our sisters that there was any problem. Heck, I called one of her daughters my sister once on myspace and it pissed her real sister off. I was quickly reminded by them that I was 'step-sister', not sister. It's okay for them to draw those lines (the girls don't call our dad 'Dad', they call him 'Jim'), but those of us who are way older and already had 30 years with our real mom and our dad together have to conform to this nonsense?

    Everything has always been very one-sided with them anyway. They were good about remembering my kids' birthdays, I must say that. Otherwise, the relationship was pretty nonexistent anyway. They did things together, not inviting us, purposely excluding it's not like we'll miss much, Lori.

    Don't worry about it. I will back you up with M but hopefully Dad will come to his senses well before then.

    No worries, just rest and EAT.