I am very sorry that I have to write this letter to you, but I figure that if I put it on your blog, when I put the book together, you'll have it and will be able to look back on it if you ever need to.
Last night, your grandpa on my side told me that if he was going to be your grandpa, his wife was going to be your grandma and her daughters were going to be your aunts, or else he wouldn't be your grandpa. One day you'll understand that this was simply not an acceptable option for me or your daddy because you already have two grandmas--your Grandma Ennis, who is just tickled to meet you soon and your Grandma Mullins (who probably would hate that name and have preferred Grandma Jane) who is in Heaven watching over you. Your grandpa's wife would probably have been a very lovely woman in your life and may have loved you very much, but your grandpa simply insists that we act as if your Grandma Jane never existed. Little M, she absolutely existed, and would have loved you very, very much. You would have been the first-born of her first-born, and she would have been so happy that you finally made it to our lives. There was nothing she loved more than babies, and she loved her grand-babies tremendously. Please know that while you will never meet her on this earth, she is absolutely an integral part of who you are and from where you came, and she wouldn't be more proud of who you are to be.
I'm very sorry that by not treating your grandpa's wife like my mother and her daughters like my sisters, I am eliminating the relationship you could have with your grandpa. Know that it was his insistence, his very words that dictated this. If I did not treat his wife like my mother or her daughters like my sisters, then he was not going to be your grandpa or my father. Honey, I simply can't do that. While I could certainly be familial with them and enjoy spending time with them, I just can't pretend like my mother didn't exist and I all of a sudden have two new adult sisters just because your grandpa married someone after your grandma died. This is just not good enough for your grandpa...he wants to pretend that the whole life your mommy and aunt and uncle had with him and your grandma just didn't happen and all that is real is his life with his new wife and step-daughters. That may be ok for him, but not for me.
Please trust that mommy loves you more than anything in the entire world and that if there was anything I could do to give you more of a functional family, I would. Know this, though...you are more loved and waited for than you can imagine. You have more people who love on you and hug on you and talk to you on a daily basis than most people have in a month! You are already so precious to so many people, I promise you will never, ever feel like you are lacking for any love.
You are so, so loved and ALWAYS will be.
Love,
Mommy
Oh Lori,
ReplyDeleteThis just broke my heart! I am so sad that your father is asking this of you. I will be praying for your family!!
Lisa
Don't families stink sometimes?? Men just don't get it -- even daddies sometimes. If your mom were here, she would have to explain it to him, you know? I have to explain it to Kevin sometimes (but shhhh, don't tell him I said so!!). M. will be FINE with or without him. It's his choice to be this way; it's your choice to choose who your child is around.
ReplyDeletePS -- Molly's dress got bled on tonight when Ellie popped her mouth on a chair and busted her lip. I'm rinsing it out in cold water as I write wanting to make sure it's in very good condition for Molly to wear and not stained. Ellie says Sorry!
Rest assured that Miss Molly already knows her Grandma Mullins.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
Grrr...you know my thoughts. I do pray you all can work it out.
ReplyDeleteLori, We too have had our issues over other things with grandparents. Ultimately, you make the decisions that feel best at the time and surround your children with loving relationships in other areas. Blood is not thicker than water. I agree with Maria, men often need women to lead them on such things and obviously your Dad is being led by someone who is not sensitive to how this feels to you.
ReplyDeleteActually, it is not much different than adoption issues we often face...where we have to help people differentiate between "real" parents and "adoptive" parents, etc. Sometimes they get it, and sometimes they don't and there isn't much we can do but educate the best we can and then shrug our shoulders and walk away.
Give it a little time, don't write off your Dad yet. Write him a heartfelt letter pouring out your emotions while expressing your understanding of his need for you to accept his new wife and her children. Respect his need to feel it is OK for him to move on in life, and maybe...no promises here...he will better understand why you just can't "go there" but CAN perhaps meet halfway. Who knows?
And if it doesn't work out, M will be just fine, they will have you guys! That's the most important relationship.
I agree with Mala. Molly most certainly already knows her Grandma Jane.
ReplyDeleteThere is always a second side to things. You've already lost your Mom. Don't throw away your father too. His family is still your family. Sure they aren't grandma and aunts but they are step-grandma and aunts and still related to M. Parents are people too.
ReplyDeleteActually, 'Been There Done That', it's not exactly true that his family is Lori's family. That would be like saying Lori's husband's sister is related to Lori's dad, when she's actually just the sister of Lori's husband.
ReplyDeleteIf Lori had been little and raised by this step-mother, it would be a different story.
There are always two sides of a story, but one is usually right and one is usually wrong. Throwing away your kids for any reason is wrong; much less throwing them away because they don't want to call your new wife and her daughters 'Mom' and 'Sister' is ridiculous. That's disrespectful to Lori's REAL mom and I, being her REAL sister, wouldn't appreciate her putting our dad's step-daughters in the same category as me, since I grew up with Lori for 33 years so far.