Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Will I Ever Learn?

Learn what?

To trust my gut? (Again.  Trust it again.)

Not to worry about what others think?

That different people present different diseases with different symptoms?


I am so angry.  Luke and I have been suffering with this 'cold' off and on for the last 10 days.  I've called the nurses' line, polled friends with kids who are suffering various ailments, and even polled some friends with strep throaters.  I've done everything that has been recommended to me in dealing with it...which is not fun when you are miserable and pregnant.  Miserable?  Hard enough?  Miserable with a busy toddler running around?  Harder still.  Miserable with a busy toddler who is ALSO sick?  Worse.  Throw PREGNANT in with that mix, and really, I guess I just chalked me taking this 'cold' harder to my weaker immune system and not being able to do anything to treat it.

Not to mention...little bit has been under-the-weather off and on for the last 10 days.  We've both been running low grade fevers that will come and go, days apart. (I've taken 5 tylenol in the last 10 days because I know fever isn't great for baby.)  So, I figured that whatever HE has, I must have.  And it seemed as if he just had this 'cold.'

Even though, in my gut, I thought..."This is some cold."

Even though, in my gut, I thought..."I know they say you can run fevers with colds, but I didn't think that really happened all that much."

Even though, in my gut, I thought..."I should probably just be sure it's not strep, because I know that's going around."

I didn't listen.

I took Luke in this morning.  In addition to the awful cold-like symptoms, he now has some bumps on his face/neck and hands.  Remembering that the boy is a RASHY boy, I haven't paid too much attention until I noticed they were multiplying pretty rapidly from the first one last night.  John freaked me out about chicken pox, Luke has been tugging at his ear, and therefore...doctor's visit warranted.

He has an infection in both ears (left one, pretty severe), a sinus infection, and STREP THROAT.
His doctor told me to get tested ASAP, being pregnant, and at such a pivotal developmental time for the baby.

Yep...the rapid came back, "Raging," according to the doctor, with him also asking me how I've been able to eat with my throat as raw as it was.  (Answer?  I'm PREGNANT and this baby needs to eat at ALL COSTS.  I force myself.  It's what mommies do.)

I immediately started crying, because I said, "I should have come in earlier, shouldn't I?" and he said, "Anytime a pregnant woman has a fever, even a low-grade one, they should come in because it could be the onset of a bacterial infection."

*Cue Mom-of-the-Year Award music*

I've been pregnant 3 times.  You'd think I would know that.

And the thing is...in my gut, I DO.

But I don't trust my gut anymore.  My gut told me Matthew would live.

He's dead.

My gut worries about just about everything.

I feel like I can't win.  I'm either too neurotic because I worry about EVERYTHING (and frankly, it takes everything in me, every single day to NOT be like this)...or, I don't worry enough, trust that it's 'just a cold and has to run it's course,' and end up with strep and could kill the baby.

When I started crying, the doctor said, "Woah, woah...woah...don't worry...moms take crack and heroin and their babies turn out fine."  (Comforting or not, I'm not sure how I feel about that statement.)

In my experience, moms do EVERYTHING right and their babies die.

I hate that I do not trust my gut.  I just feel like I can't.  It has lied to me in the most severe, severe way.

I hate that I worry (even though I say I don't) about what kind of mother people think I am.  I feel like my reaction to everything is on showcase—for people to pick at, criticize and condemn. (Of course, I realize that I could remove a LOT of that if I didn't have a public blog.  I know, I know.)

"His paci dropped on the ground...what's she gonna do?"

"He won't eat anything...how's she gonna handle that?"

"He's crying...is she gonna let him cry or baby him?" (Which is ironic...BABY a baby?  Umm, yes.  When the call arises.)

"She needs to stop worrying so much. Kids get scrapes.  They get bumps.  They get dirty."

"She needs to worry a little more.  Playing with keys is dangerous.  Dog food isn't good for babies.  Why isn't he wearing a coat when all the other babies are?"

More, I hate that trusting God means accepting circumstances I DO NOT WANT.

I don't want that to sound blasphemous.  I am doing a study on James.  I know, I know...count it as joy...

But really, I do not count losing Matthew as joy.
If something should happen to this baby, I will not count losing it as joy.

I will accept.  What choice do I have?

And I know, I am not alone and God holds us.

I just know that even though God is holding me, I still am the mother of a dead child.  And there's nothing to say I won't be the mother of two. Or three.  Or the widow of a military pilot.  Or all of the above.

Trusting my gut and trusting God are often not all that much different...except in obedience I trust God.

But my gut?  Too big a liar.

Except sometimes.  Like now.


  1. You poor thing, you will be okay. ♥ Keeping you in thoughts and prayers!

  2. Heavenly father, i ask in the sweet, precious, amazing name of Jesus, Our Lord, that today and even right now, You cover Lori with Your peace, that peace that transcends human understanding and goes to the deepest part of the inner most soul- that place where only You exist. grant her wisdom beyond comprehension- beyond the bounds of human knowledge and ability to fathom. perfect wisdom, Lord, Your wisdom- wisdom that brings with it comfort and calm and rest. i ask for Your protection and healing for Lori, Luke, and Little One. i ask for Your Hand to be on John that he will feel Your strength as he watches his family suffer. above all Lord- be big today. be big as only You can be. be so big that all else pales and ceases to matter because You are just so big that You are all we can see.

    thank you Father for the blessing that Luke is, for the blessing that Little One is, and the blessing that Matthew is. i give You praise and honor for the chance of knowing this dear friend and to have the opportunity to pray for her babies- by name Lord, because names have significance and special meaning... You called us BY NAME. our names are written in Your Lamb's book of life and You know our names before we are conceived. thank you Lord- in JESUS' NAME, amen.

    ((((hugs)))) my friend, as always, i'm praying :) remember what the Lord told me about you a couple years ago? "her children will rise up and call her blessed" i hope that brings some encouragement. mom guilt is a tough pill to swallow (i know, i do it too :[ )

  3. Oh sweet Lori! I am praying for ALL of you to get better and get better fast! it is NO fun being sick and especially when pregnant.

    And I am RIGHT there with you as a WORRIER. And with this whole "rash" on Sadie's arm and little thing on her bottom is worrying me and in my gut something is saying yes it will be okay but other gut is saying CHECK IT OUT AGAIN. And that I am, I rather be safe than sorry. I worry about EVERYTHING AND BEYOND. If we could each other's minds I am sure we would be like "hey I am like that!". Hang in there mama! <3 xoxoxox

  4. I had to read Belle's prayer again out loud as my prayer for you, too -- she said it so beautifully. It was so appropriate that I switched up the names and also said it for me.

  5. Lori, first off let me say I am glad your blog is public. It has been such a blessing to me since loosing my boy and bringing home my second son. You bring me closer to God through your sharing. I too know how it feels to have your gut be a tricky thing to trust. Please know that there is another mother to a son in Heaven and one here on Earth who empathizes with you and is praying for all of you to have a quick recovery.

  6. Beautifully honest post. I sit here with tears running down my face. Your strength amazes me. Thanks for being yourself and sharing the things that you share.