I admit. I thought it was an amazing movie.
I guess I just wasn't up for it.
And so, while I think it was amazing (and highly recommend it, and at another time, maybe when less hormonal, I will probably watch it again), and I think John did too, I am not in a great mood.
Mainly because after we watched it, I asked John, "So, what did you think?"
He said, "Well, since Matthew died so soon, I guess I don't have any regrets."
"You mean, you don't regret what kind of father you were to him because he wasn't with us long enough for you to really have any?"
"Yes."
Silence.
That doesn't really apply to me.
I only have one.
That he died because I didn't have a c-section. Well, a scheduled c-section.
So, I guess that would qualify as a big one.
He of course said I had no reason to want a c-section and was going through labor the way I did based on sound medical advice.
Sound medical advice that killed my son, of course.
John then threw out that I had no way of knowing.
Knowing that a c-section would have kept a perfectly healthy and amazing and much-loved baby from dying for NO.GOOD.REASON.
And though I had no idea it would have saved him, I still went against my gut...my inner intuition...whatever you want to call it...I went against it. How many times while pregnant (and even before?) did I say that I wanted a c-section? Needed a c-section? Wished for the days where you were just wheeled into the hospital, put to sleep, woke up and there the baby was?
Who cares why I felt I needed one?
In the last weeks, I caved to peer pressure. I didn't follow my gut. I walked into that hospital shaking more than a drug addict on major withdrawal because I was so terrified.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. Something was not right. How much more plainly could it have been?
Even after Matthew died, Dr. Polko told me, "You know...we always thought you wanted a c-section because you just didn't want to tear stuff up down there...maybe you knew something cosmically that we just didn't know."
Too late to put any merit into that thought now. He's dead. I buried him.
John said, "You had no control over Matthew living or dying."
To him, I replied, "Would he have died if I scheduled a c-section?"
"Well, no."
Folks, there we have our answer.
I've been accused of being stubborn once or twice in my life. (Ahem.)
Look what caving in and NOT being stubborn about something got me?
A grave. A dead baby. Trying to teach my son about his big brother simply by walking by his picture every day and saying, "Matthew."
I should mention again that I don't blame the movie for this mood. It just was the catalyst for conversation after that I am now trying to reconcile before I go to bed.
People talk about our strength and inspiration and bravery and blah-blah-blah.
I appreciate it. The human in me can't lie and say I am not pleased to hear that we endure and we try to give honor to God in doing so.
But courageous? Don't think so. Because if I was courageous, I'd have kept my foot down. Regardless of what ANYONE else thought...my GUT told me I needed to schedule a c-section.
If I was courageous, he'd have lived.
That is tough. But I still don't think you should blame yourself in any way. I've written before about a couple who lost their only son to a tragic football accident. He was hit and it fatally wounded his liver. A few days before the game, his father grounded him from playing football because he hadn't been keeping his room clean. Then the day of the game, he changed his mind and let him play. And he died. To live with that would have driven me insane. Taylor isn't even my child and I wonder if he would still be alive if his dad would have kept him grounded that day. He wasn't even supposed to play. And now he's gone. But Brian, his father doesn't see it that way. His faith tells him that God had plans for Taylor. That what happened had to happen that way.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I feel about that. But it definitely makes my heart ache to think you would blame yourself for Matthew's death.
Punch in my heart.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say because no one else can reconcile those feelings or make you see that we have no real control. We have choices, we have thoughts and desires and hopes that are more precious to Him then anything, but we don't have control. We choose to be lead, to have faith and to even be trampled at times, because we know His goodness will carry us through ... I don't know why I see this and feel this as an attack by the enemy. Even though I know your strength, he knows your weakness in this guilt and your love for Matthew. He's trying to use it as a knife in your heart and that hurts me to hear. Not because I don't think you have the right to feel ALL of that and to wish so fiercly it had gone the way it should have ... the way where your love had lived ... I hate the extra hurt those thoughts are bringing to an already overwhelmingly painful new life as a parent to a baby in Heaven. A victory I can see in it is that, the devil may have found how to attack, attack, attack your heart and mind with these things, but he got no part of Matthew. Matthew bipassed all of that and went straight to Jesus. He never even had to know such evil existed ... just beauty. He lived so happily in your warm, homey belly for so long and lived in his daddys arms before being forever in the arms of Jesus.
Oh gosh, nothing is coming out right ... I want you to know that I understand where you are coming from. Where these thoughts and feelings are coming from and why you wrote this post. Nothing is how it should be without him, even with all the wonderful happiness that you have with Luke and this pregnancy ... your heart knew him and loved him first and he's not here to experience this growing family with you. Another punch in my heart. I don't want anything extra coming in and breaking you more then you are already. But that's not realistic I guess. I'm terrible at this, because I know I can never even pretend to get just how it feels, so for me to try to make sense of it ... would make me a fool. So, I'll stop talking and just say that I hate that you are being attacked and that Matthew isn't where we want him to be and that nothing is fair (in my opinion) ... and I love you. Courage is defined in so many ways. It takes courage to let yourself live, breathing in and out each day ... you could have chosen another path, but you didn't. That's the hardest and most beautiful kind of courage, I think. Peace, mama. Peace.
Courage is waking up to face another day and unselfishly loving on others even when there is an ache in your heart...You, my friend, are courageous!
ReplyDeleteThe night before our Matthew died he coughed. Twice. At about 9:30 - 10:00 PM. I was so worried about his lungs that I wanted to take him to the ER. I felt I HAD to take him to the ER. But, it was late. He had his 2 month check up less than 12 hours from then, and I rationalized that it was just a cough, there wasn't a fever and there were so many germs we would be exposing him to if I took him.
ReplyDeleteI wish I would have taken him. Obviously, it may not have made a difference. SIDS has taken the lives of babies who were admitted to the hospital, on monitors, surrounded by the best medical staff. But, would I feel better about it? I don't know. I may just end up blaming the hospital staff instead? Which in a way I already kinda do in some way?
I imagine that if I would have taken him in, he would be alive today terrorizing his sisters. But, I also know that just because he may not have died that night, he may have died another. It may have just prolonged the inevitable.
The sad thing is, even if you would have had a cesarean, it may not have changed the outcome. It could have decreased the odds of him dying, but we just never can know. Problems happen in the OR all the time and so much new research has come out (even this week) showing how harmful cesareans can be to a baby, weakening their lungs and other vital organs. While a cesarean may have made a huge difference in Matthew's outcome, it may not have :(
I hate the thought of "God's Plan" or "meant to be" but there are times I can't help but wonder if his life on Earth wasn't meant to be long. Perhaps he already accomplished what he was to in this world and is just now waiting for us in the next. While it doesn't make me feel any better, it does make me hope that one day, maybe I'll stop wondering what I could have done differently, and realize that I can't change the past. No amount of wishing, hoping, wanting, praying or crying will grant me a wish that changes it all. Sending you lots and lots of hugs, good thoughts and a wish for peace of what could have been.
You can't know for sure that he wouldn't have died if you'd had a c-section. Who's to say something else wouldn't have gone wrong no matter how stubborn you were or how many feet you put down? Punishing yourself with these thoughts won't bring him back, you know that. How do you think Matthew feels about you down here blaming yourself for something he knows was not your doing? Courage is putting your wants, needs, emotions and PAIN second to the needs and well being of the ones who depend on you. Pushing forward when it hurts. When you don't want to anymore. But you do because you have to knowing that the reward is eternal life one day that no one and nothing can ever take away. Eternal life with your baby. You are courageous because you have to be though it doesn't matter why. You just are.
ReplyDeleteYou can't know for sure that he wouldn't have died if you'd had a c-section. Who's to say something else wouldn't have gone wrong no matter how stubborn you were or how many feet you put down? Punishing yourself with these thoughts won't bring him back, you know that. How do you think Matthew feels about you down here blaming yourself for something he knows was not your doing? Courage is putting your wants, needs, emotions and PAIN second to the needs and well being of the ones who depend on you. Pushing forward when it hurts. When you don't want to anymore. But you do because you have to knowing that the reward is eternal life one day that no one and nothing can ever take away. Eternal life with your baby. You are courageous because you have to be though it doesn't matter why. You just are.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is...I get it. I absolutely understand where you are coming from. And no matter how many times we are told we "had no way of knowing" or "weren't to blame"...I think we will always feel that guilt and "what if" inside...because our sons are not here in our arms. And any mother would wrack her mind with trying to see how things could have been different if only...
ReplyDeleteI get it. I understand. And I'm praying for your heart right now.
love you friend!
Heather
I feel the same way...if I'd gone with my gut and delivered in another hospital, I have little doubt Rip would have lived. Glancing through the comments here, it looks like a lot of mamas who have lost babies feel the same way. I don't know what the lesson is, I know we can't change the past and when it comes to losing a child that is little comfort, but I alos know I will fight tooth and nail to follow my instincts when it comes to Gracie and maybe that is all we can do.
ReplyDeleteIt pains me to think you believe you are not brave or courageous. I have a healthy child (our first) and I do not think we will have another because I am terrified something will go wrong. You experienced something that is so horrifying and yet you have put yourself out there TWICE because you want to grow your family. You are one of the bravest people I have ever encountered. I hope one day you can see that.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you. I didn't take any pictures that day, but the day long lives in my brain.
ReplyDeleteRainy and cold.
Many people were there.
little white casket, white flowers, white tulle, and lights
Bruce & Claire singing so beautifully
So many wanting to touch you so you would know they were there for you and John.
The pictures on display of Matthew were breathtaking.
The slide show didn't leave a dry eye...
Love you friend!
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and all those fancy words too :( you know my heart dear friend.
ReplyDeletei'm refusing to watch the movie. period. even though my husband's friend wrote the title track.... i don't want to see this movie.
same reason- right, wrong, justified, not justified..... moms with dead babies have unmentionable regrets that can rip your heart wide open "for no good reason".
love you much-
Lori, I clicked on the link for your story, and I remember seeing it in the news. I live in Edgewater and see Dr. McKeeby. I would love a local IF sister, since the Annapolis office doesn't have support groups and my real life IF friends all live in other states.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the post, I wish I had words that could help.
ICLW #6
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine all the feelings you have regarding your situation. But please know you are not alone even though everyone's story is different.
ReplyDelete