It's so funny how people who really know me will always call me out when they haven't heard from me in a while.
And I realize I've been a little less vocal.
I do want to thank everyone for sending me so many kind comments and emails and messages. I really, really, really do feel loved beyond measure and appreciate so many of you just opening your hearts to me and sharing my hurts. You really don't have to take them on, and yet, you do, and I am honored.
I guess I don't really know what to say. I probably shouldn't even have written that the other night. I wasn't looking for anything. I guess, if anything, I was aggravated with John because I felt like we should have had a deeper conversation after that movie than we did, so I took out my frustrations somewhere else.
And really...completely being honest here... I do NOT blame myself for Matthew dying. Do I believe that if I had a scheduled c-section (which my doctors would have allowed, though they definitely preferred natural delivery), Matthew would have lived?
I believe that with my entire being. While I recognize I am not the one who gives or takes life away, I also believe that we, in God's sovereignty, are given free will and brains with which to make choices, and that as a result of living in this broken world, our choices have consequences.
I don't believe that I was being punished by Matthew dying.
I don't believe that John was being punished.
I don't believe that I was given any medical advice that EVERY.SINGLE.OTHER pregnant woman in my shoes would have been given.
I just believe that if I'd stuck to my guns, it would have been different.
And I won't lie. I know that a lot of people also feel a bit of that regret...my sweet doctors even told me so..."Maybe we should have listened to you..."
For about two-tenths of a second, the human, hurting mother in me wants to scream, "YES! YOU SHOULD HAVE! YOU SHOULD HAVE! I TOLD YOU!"
But I won't. I absolutely, wholeheartedly believe and know that I received THE BEST MEDICAL care and advice that could be provided for me. THE BEST. Period. For a single person to tell me, "Oh, yeah...go ahead, cut him out...easy peasy!" would have been completely irresponsible and frankly, close to medical malpractice.
I won't allow myself to give that thought more than two-tenths (which is frankly, two-tenths of a second too much) worth of time because it's just not fair or true.
In the end, *I* made the choice I did because I trusted those who could be trusted. I believed those who knew what they were doing. I wanted to do what was best for my baby.
I still believe that a natural delivery IS the best, first path.
I'm just aggravated that I felt so, so strongly about something, regardless of the reasoning, and was talked into something else. That's just not me.
What IS me, though...is trying to maintain faith. What good are providers if you don't trust them? Listen to them? BELIEVE them? They are worthless, and you are arrogant.
I had FAITH in them. And I still do.
So...another sticking point for me has been the whole "God's plan" conversation being debated in my heart and mind and even in writing, apparently. And while I, by pure definition of being a good little Southern Baptist girl, claim that God is SOVEREIGN and ALL-KNOWING...I have to say that I am yet convinced He purposely planned for Matthew to suffer.
I know people mean well when they tell me this. But what I hear is:
"It was God's plan to make you ache as you saw nurses frantically doing CPR on Matthew."
"It was God's intention to break your heart."
"It was God's purpose to force your husband to do the thing no person should ever have to do...give your newborn and now dead son back to the nurses and leave empty-handed."
"God planned for Matthew to suffer."
"God planned for Matthew to hurt."
"God planned for Matthew to be afraid."
"God purposed that blood vessel to specifically break and bleed the life from your son."
I know that's not what people mean to say.
But that's essentially the nuts and bolts of it.
I know this. God allowed all of that. Why? I'll never know. And it's futile to ask.
I know that God was merciful with Matthew. I have no doubt that He was merciful in taking Matthew home instead of allowing him to live a life that might not have been much of a life at all.
I know that God has made beautiful, beautiful things from the devastation in our lives, and has changed the world (and my heart) using my sweet baby son. Actually, using BOTH of my sweet baby sons.
I know God is Love.
And I know a God who is Love and knows the plans He has for His people (and those plans are not to harm them), does not PURPOSE the suffering of a tiny infant, only hours old.
I know there is evil that scours the earth and seeks to destroy. And that God allows that.
I know that's the stuff denominations are made of, and I understand there are many who may disagree.
I understand and I'm ok with that.
But at the end of the day, it's me and God. And we've agreed that He did not purpose Matthew's suffering. Or mine, for that matter.
Thank you all for commenting and reaching out to me. I guess it's obvious I've had some difficult days.
I'm ok. I know all things can be made beautiful...and I am grateful for the many beautiful people in my life.