Raw...

So, today was a take-it-easy day.  Though I didn't do much but drive yesterday and had help with loading and unloading, the house was in somewhat abandoned state and needed at the very least, some surface work so Luke could crawl around some!

There are tons of studies that actually refute the whole 'strict' bed-rest agenda for post-IVF transfer.  The studies say something about the way the uterus is horizontal vs. vertical, and that pregnancy rates are often even better than when there is such rigidity in bed rest.

Which is not to say that I did not spend 24+ hours after the transfer in bed with Mom taking over and not letting me do anything.  Even the next day, didn't do too much more than pick Luke up some.  Yesterday was busier loading and unloading, with a bit of cleaning, but the bottom line from pretty much all sources say that it's the inherent health of the embryos that really decide the pregnancy rates and they will either implant or they won't.  In fact, light activity may be helpful.

But...I DO have to worry about OHSS still and can definitely tell my sides are sore!  They get more sore when I do stuff, even just little bits, so I really decided to take it easy today.  We got up to get ready for church, but Luke went back to sleep and after the traveling and stuff, I couldn't bear to wake him.  Then we just spent the day playing (more him than me) and straightening up (more me than him) with loooong rest periods (that sweet boy napped for 5.5 hours today (one nap was 3 hours and the other 1.5 hours!) and I took all those hours to rest/nap too!).

At lunch, I put Luke in his chair and let him have some snacks...Cheerios and Pirate's Booty.  Then I popped a new video in for him.  Right now, he still only watches about an hour of tv a week, and it's pretty much Wonderpets for two episodes!  I thought I'd shake it up a bit and see what he thought of Praise Baby, because I'd heard so many rave reviews of it.

He was mesmerized. Even when Wonderpets are on, he doesn't pay total attention to the tv (which is NOT a bad thing!) but he was mesmerized.

So was I.  Praise Baby is basically a whole bunch of worship songs sung to babies playing and nature naturing and letters and numbers and colors floating in and out too.

I'm sure it's not helped by the hormones, but as I sung with Luke (many songs he already has heard me singing to him!) I started bawling. I realized that every single song was on a playlist I had when I was pregnant with Matthew and played at least twice a day.  Every day.  On the way to work and on the way back.

I was so, so happy then.  I was so grateful for the miracle that was Matthew.  I felt so honored to carry him.  I just felt like I couldn't do anything but sing out of gratitude to God for Him FINALLY giving us our son.  Our gift from Him.

Listening to those same songs...one after another... (and I kid not.  EVERY.SINGLE.SONG was on Matthew's playlist)...watching Luke happily munch cheerios and wave his hands watching the babies wave their hands...just got me.

I cried and cried so much.  Like serious crying.  The kind you don't even call anyone and cry to about because it's SO much they couldn't even understand you.

Instead, I just got down on my knees in front of the sink and looked out the window and prayed.  Prayed for God to take the rawness of losing Matthew away.  Thanked Him for the amazing little boy sitting in his high chair.  Begging Him to let this cycle work, but telling Him again (and meaning it) that Luke would be enough.

But mostly just asking Him for mercy on my heart because it's been so, so raw these last few weeks.  I know it's early, but I'm feeling like this is going to be a negative.  That there's just NO way that it could work for us not once, but twice and now we are asking for three times????  I look at 'odds' of success for women and obviously, their 'take-home baby' rates are higher when there is a higher number of cycles because many people take a few before they achieve success.

But not us?  Why not us?  It's our turn.  It's our turn for the negative. (I know I got a negative with the frozen transfer of our Little Yellow Fish, but really, I sort of expected that so soon after losing Matthew).

Like I said...I'm sure it's the hormones.  I'm really trying hard to compensate because I know they are coursing through my veins and I want to maintain Luke's Jolly Mommy Mode (and boy, he makes that sooo easy!) for him and anyone else who's had to deal with me for the last month (again, thanks, Grandma!  You're a saint!).

Hormones or not.  Grief or not.  Dreary winter day or not.

It's raw.  I miss him.  I miss that little boy I sung to before he ever took his first breath.  I miss not knowing what his personality would be like or what words he'd be saying or foods he'd like (or not, as in his brother's case!).  I miss that dimpled chin.  I miss him.

I miss him.