Monday, February 6, 2012


So, today was a take-it-easy day.  Though I didn't do much but drive yesterday and had help with loading and unloading, the house was in somewhat abandoned state and needed at the very least, some surface work so Luke could crawl around some!

There are tons of studies that actually refute the whole 'strict' bed-rest agenda for post-IVF transfer.  The studies say something about the way the uterus is horizontal vs. vertical, and that pregnancy rates are often even better than when there is such rigidity in bed rest.

Which is not to say that I did not spend 24+ hours after the transfer in bed with Mom taking over and not letting me do anything.  Even the next day, didn't do too much more than pick Luke up some.  Yesterday was busier loading and unloading, with a bit of cleaning, but the bottom line from pretty much all sources say that it's the inherent health of the embryos that really decide the pregnancy rates and they will either implant or they won't.  In fact, light activity may be helpful.

But...I DO have to worry about OHSS still and can definitely tell my sides are sore!  They get more sore when I do stuff, even just little bits, so I really decided to take it easy today.  We got up to get ready for church, but Luke went back to sleep and after the traveling and stuff, I couldn't bear to wake him.  Then we just spent the day playing (more him than me) and straightening up (more me than him) with loooong rest periods (that sweet boy napped for 5.5 hours today (one nap was 3 hours and the other 1.5 hours!) and I took all those hours to rest/nap too!).

At lunch, I put Luke in his chair and let him have some snacks...Cheerios and Pirate's Booty.  Then I popped a new video in for him.  Right now, he still only watches about an hour of tv a week, and it's pretty much Wonderpets for two episodes!  I thought I'd shake it up a bit and see what he thought of Praise Baby, because I'd heard so many rave reviews of it.

He was mesmerized. Even when Wonderpets are on, he doesn't pay total attention to the tv (which is NOT a bad thing!) but he was mesmerized.

So was I.  Praise Baby is basically a whole bunch of worship songs sung to babies playing and nature naturing and letters and numbers and colors floating in and out too.

I'm sure it's not helped by the hormones, but as I sung with Luke (many songs he already has heard me singing to him!) I started bawling. I realized that every single song was on a playlist I had when I was pregnant with Matthew and played at least twice a day.  Every day.  On the way to work and on the way back.

I was so, so happy then.  I was so grateful for the miracle that was Matthew.  I felt so honored to carry him.  I just felt like I couldn't do anything but sing out of gratitude to God for Him FINALLY giving us our son.  Our gift from Him.

Listening to those same after another... (and I kid not.  EVERY.SINGLE.SONG was on Matthew's playlist)...watching Luke happily munch cheerios and wave his hands watching the babies wave their hands...just got me.

I cried and cried so much.  Like serious crying.  The kind you don't even call anyone and cry to about because it's SO much they couldn't even understand you.

Instead, I just got down on my knees in front of the sink and looked out the window and prayed.  Prayed for God to take the rawness of losing Matthew away.  Thanked Him for the amazing little boy sitting in his high chair.  Begging Him to let this cycle work, but telling Him again (and meaning it) that Luke would be enough.

But mostly just asking Him for mercy on my heart because it's been so, so raw these last few weeks.  I know it's early, but I'm feeling like this is going to be a negative.  That there's just NO way that it could work for us not once, but twice and now we are asking for three times????  I look at 'odds' of success for women and obviously, their 'take-home baby' rates are higher when there is a higher number of cycles because many people take a few before they achieve success.

But not us?  Why not us?  It's our turn.  It's our turn for the negative. (I know I got a negative with the frozen transfer of our Little Yellow Fish, but really, I sort of expected that so soon after losing Matthew).

Like I said...I'm sure it's the hormones.  I'm really trying hard to compensate because I know they are coursing through my veins and I want to maintain Luke's Jolly Mommy Mode (and boy, he makes that sooo easy!) for him and anyone else who's had to deal with me for the last month (again, thanks, Grandma!  You're a saint!).

Hormones or not.  Grief or not.  Dreary winter day or not.

It's raw.  I miss him.  I miss that little boy I sung to before he ever took his first breath.  I miss not knowing what his personality would be like or what words he'd be saying or foods he'd like (or not, as in his brother's case!).  I miss that dimpled chin.  I miss him.

I miss him.


  1. Even without all the extra hormones, the rawness is just so strong sometimes. Praying for you on all fronts, my friend! Much love to you!

  2. I'm praying right there for/with you. I'm not sure what it is, but the last few weeks have been so rough. I've had so many moments that have felt so raw and so rough, like we're back in those days right after he died. I must say though, I am so looking forward to your BFP :)

  3. (((hugs))) to you. You will always miss your sweet boy, no matter if you have only Luke or a dozen running around. That's what is so special about him, he is irreplaceable! I too wonder all those things about our babies....and we have a new mom at playgroup with boy/girl twins and, 10 years later, I cannot watch those children. It just hurts my heart. That's a hole that can never been filled or repaired.

    I'm praying for you and your little g-hog & v-tine! <3

  4. Sitting here in tears with you Lori.... taking it all in....

  5. I totally get this post. It's so hard because even as full as your life is, your heart is, your family is, HE is still missing. I don't think that rawness ever goes away, quite honestly. I think with time there are more breaks in the pain, but it is always there, laying dormant, ready to come when you least expect it (or are most vulnerable) I am praying for success in this cycle for you. Did your doc recommend GUZZLING gatorade? I had to do that with OHSS (the pain of which is no joke) so you really want to keep it at bay if possible. Most of all I am praying for peace in your heart. PS there is nothing to say that you shouldn't get a BFP. You are no less deserving of one just because you have had success with your earlier IVF's. Don't do that to yourself. xoxo Think of it this way. Your high success rate gives HOPE to others.

  6. Prayers and hugs to you friend.
    Every time I look at Evan I see Zac's little face too...they looked an awful lot alike for fraternal twin brothers :) How can pure joy be so tightly intertwined with pure sorrow. But it can, and it does. And I think it's ok so long as our sorrow does not hurt the precious little child we get to be silly with every day.
    I totally get the song thing though. There are songs I still can not listen to because I break in to that very same intense crying. Songs that I played on my belly day and night, especially when I ended up in the hospital with the boys. Songs that became music at Zac's funeral. Youch...raw is the only word to describe it.

    Praying for your heart, and praying for the best in this cycle! It's never about who "deserves" what/who...

    We have to just know that God has us in His hands no matter what!

    Kisses to heaven for Matthew and my children, and hugs to you and that precious little Lukester!

  7. Love you, Lori.

    I don't know much about IVF, but I know if the Lord desires you to have another baby, it won't matter whether you're standing, sitting, or what doctors say, or what "success rates" are.

    And I definitely get the "raw" feeling. I've been feeling it so much these days. I wish you didn't feel it, but it's kind of good to know I'm not crazy in still feeling so sad

  8. It's so hard.. on so many levels. I am thinking of you mamma. Sending love...

  9. Praying for you and asking God to send down His comfort when your heart feels raw. Hugs to you!!!

  10. Lori...oh how my heart shares your rawness. I too lost a baby named Ian after only two short days here on Earth. And I thank God for making me his Mommy and again for making me Mommy to my 13 month old here and now. But I miss him dearly as we try for a third baby for the first time this month. Every little thing reminds me of my first pregnancy with Ian rather than with his brother. Know that you are prayed for and loved from afar. And that your thoughts help my own heart heal. I will continue to pray for you adn your family.

  11. I know there is only so much I can actually understand ... in the places where I don't or can't quite get it because I've never been exactly where you've been, I just stop and pray to the One who has been and can be there in all those tiny places that seem untouched. In all that rawness ... and ask him to draw you up like HIS little baby, and to rock you to sleep with His sweet, soft voice. Peace, my treasured friend. Love you.

  12. Tears! I need praise baby for C. And I think we all are just waiting for that other shoe to drop. Just know you're being prayed for in a big way! Those hormones are a witch and I wish they weren't part of the process, it seems unfair! :( Love to you!!!!! Big hugs!

  13. Praying for you so much.

  14. Lori,
    When Jessica transferred, I WAS A NERVOUS wreck!!! I was terrified that if she didn't lay down for a month, they would fall out of her!?!?
    What got me thru it was when she told me her Dr. said it was like putting 2 grains of rice in a bowl of peanut butter...that totally calmed me down...our babies will be here on March 5th or my thoughts and prayers...
    MK Hucko

  15. ♥ Praying for you. When I listen to music from when I miscarried the first time it still brings moments of sadness for me. It is how I poured out my heart to God during that time of sadness. I am sure the hormones didn't help any, but as others have will always miss him, and those songs will probably always remind you of your pregnancy with him. So the sadness probably would have been there without hormones coming into play.