Friday, February 17, 2012

Numbers Don't Lie????

I feel like I've had lots of posts in the last few weeks and all of a sudden, in the last couple of days, nothing.

Not because I don't have a lot on my mind.

Just don't know how to put it all to words.

So, the basics are that I am very, very curious about what next Friday's ultrasound is going to show.

I did another HCG test on Wednesday.  At this point, I was 18dpo (18 days past ovulation) or 13dp5dt (13 days past a 5 day transfer).  The number 715 from two days before was great, and honestly, I was wrong about the numbers from Matthew's and Luke's pregnancies.  Though their numbers were high, and their doubling rates were definitely faster than the 48 hours that every RE seems to be looking for (though that doesn't always indicate any problem or super success story), they weren't as fast as I thought.  Jackie told me that I actually tested 3 and 4 days between each beta, whereas with this pregnancy, I tested 4 days and then 2 days later.

All that blah-blah-blah means that when I was 18dpo with Luke, my hcg was 806.

(And that was considered high.)

Wednesday, two days later at 18dpo with this pregnancy, my hcg was 1999.


Again, not looking into double strollers just yet (well, sort of I am since I will also have a two year old!) because my body tends to be an overachiever and inundate my babies with HCG...but, I have to say, this feels more like it could be multiples than I've ever thought.

I was anxious for Luke's 6 week ultrasound because I was terrified there might not have been a heartbeat.  I know that's a possibility next Friday, but I don't feel terrified about not seeing a heartbeat.

I'm just going crazy wondering how many we'll see.

Speaking of that boy of mine...he sure is turning into a feisty one!  He is finally signing "more" (lazy..he doesn't really do it, more a right hand pats the top of his left hand, or sometimes his left forearm, but good enough to get his point across) and "all done," although his "all done" is quite obnoxious and universal for pretty much EVERYTHING he wants to be done with.  Food, drink, mommy.  Being apart from daddy for a month made him awfully clingy to daddy last week.  That's fine with me...of course I want him to love daddy.  It's the fervent and forceful "all done" signs he makes at me anytime John is holding him or playing with him and I come near that are making me a bit crazy, that stinker.  I know, I's me he wants most of the time, and the boy has always loved that daddy...but it's pretty funny how very adamant he is about me NOT taking him from daddy or even when daddy isn't around and he's playing with his toys, if I come to get him and take him for a diaper change or something, he flails and furiously signs, "ALL DONE!" as protest of me taking him from what he wanted to be doing.

Mind of his own that boy has.  Mind of his own.

And totally off-topic, but can I say how much joy I get from hanging his sweet little clothes in the closet?  One of the things that just hurt me so, so, so much after Matthew died was his closet.  His chock-full, perfectly organized, full of love and anticipation closet just mocking me...screaming at me that he was NEVER going to use a single.solitary.thing in that closet.  Ever.  I'd go into his room, when I could get the gumption up, and just stare at that closet.  One of the things I remember very vividly about Christmas after he died was my nephew going upstairs to look in Matthew's room.  Their family was stationed in Germany, but had come out for Christmas, and so this was the first time we'd seen them in a long time (and certainly since Matthew had died).  I went upstairs to be with him, not wanting that sweet 15 year old to be by himself, and just saw him doing the same thing.  Standing. Staring. Stunned.  Just staring at that open closet full of Matthew's things.  I went in, put my arm around him and just stood there with him.  He said, "I just don't get it.  I just don't."  And you know, I didn't (and still don't) either.  But I totally got what he meant.

So, I admit.  When I hang outfits that I have put on Luke several times up each time I do laundry, I just give thanks that I am able to have a closet full of things that a dear little boy DEFINITELY makes use of.  I am so, so grateful for the opportunity to use that closet.


  1. This brought tears to my eyes! Those darn closets! Praying for a terrific U/S! Can't wait to hear all about it!

  2. No matter what, I'm thankful there is hope. Hope for new life, for Luke's future, and for that beautiful promise that Matthew is not too far away and you'll all be an eternal family ... hope for now and hope for ever after. So looking forward to finding out the great news ... because one heart or two, either way, will be great, great news. xoxoxoxo

  3. I knew not to stock my closet, but there were still those stray things I didn't expect to matter that always got to me. I still stare at them.

  4. This brought tears to my eyes...You are an incredibly strong woman!

    And I am SUPER excited to find out how many little heartbeats they will see on your ultrasound ♥

  5. I totally think its twins! :) SO excited for the next update!!

  6. I just found your blog and your story and your faith and trust in the Lord is so powerful. god bless You and Your Family

  7. So So excited for you & praying for a awesome U/S.

  8. Just letting you know I am reading and thinking of you. XOXO, J

  9. I used to put a lot more weight into HCG numbers.. until this pregnancy proved it all to be completely useless in my eyes. Regardless I hope that the upcoming U/S shows one (or two) beautiful heartbeats!! I can't wait!!!

  10. I remember that closet and all those drawers after Ian went to Heaven. I would avoid going in there for days then I would stand in there and just stare. I too thank God for dirty laundry, tripped over toys and food covered dishes from my little boy that I got to have at home now. Thank God for those every day signs of live together here on Earth