Monday, February 13, 2012

Answers I Won't Find...

There's a song (that I love, by the way) by Building 429 that is called "Where I Belong."  When that song comes on, and it does pretty regularly on my iPod, I turn it up and just sing at the top of my lungs.  Yes, Luke loves it.

(Really, he does.  He's a singer!)

Anyway...there is a line..."I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find."

I think I decided that myself about two years ago.  More like two years and two months ago.

To ask questions that I just won't find the answer for is really futile.  There are just no good answers for too many questions.  Or good enough for me right now.  Or ever.

But I can't help wondering why it couldn't be different.

I am over the moon thrilled that this cycle worked, and that so far, things are really great.

But having Luke toddling around and being pregnant makes me wonder why it couldn't be Matthew toddling around and me being pregnant with Luke.

Why I might be blessed to raise two children on this earth, but it's not my first two.

I imagine this may come across as ungrateful.

I'm not.  I know this little one (or ones?) inside of me right now is amazing.  I already know it because he or she is such a miracle.  There's a little soul and spirit with a life planned for it before *I* was even born. Like Matthew and Luke, I know this little one or ones was meant to be.

And I won't ask an unanswerable question.

I just can't promise I won't think about it.

My beta on Thursday was 54.5.  I was 7dp5dt (seven days past a five day transfer).  Pretty early, but still, pretty great number and we were thrilled.  Today was my next beta (my official one was supposed to be tomorrow, but since we've already had one last week, we went ahead and are doing them today, Wednesday and Thursday) and it was 715!!!  Doctors hope for numbers to double every 48 hours, and these are doubling approximately every 25 hours.  That's great.  Though it's a high number, it's not uncommon for me.  Luke's first beta at 15dp3dt (I am now 11dp5dt, so two days earlier than when I tested with Luke) and was 806.  Two days later, his numbers were 2971!!!  That's when everyone started screaming, "TWINS!" and yet...not.

So I'm not buying two bassinets just yet.  I am saying that the numbers are high.  And really doing a fabulous job of doubling (or even quadrupling!).

But that's just how my kiddos (both singletons!) roll.  So we test again Wednesday and then Friday...but the real way of knowing if there is one in there or if there are two will be in the way of the ultrasound on February 24th.

Yes, more nail-biting.  Guilty!

1 comment:

  1. So much love for all your precIous babies. Can't wait til the 24th! Xoxo