Goodbye...

Well, as sad as I am to say this, we are going to say goodbye to Kyrgyzstan. Not to following all the work wonderful missionaries are doing there, not to continuing to sponsor and help when we can. Not to all the families waiting for their beloved children, and certainly not to the prayers for all of those families.

Just goodbye to our dossier and our plan to adopt a baby girl from Kyrgyzstan.

Our caseworker sent out her Friday message and basically it said that someone in office was assassinated, there was some investigation and lots of innuendo to corruption...and basically, the adoption issues are YET again going to be put on the table later...an indefinite later.

When you figure that there are 65 families waiting for their already matched children, and then there are 199 dossiers just hanging out with ours...well, the odds are not looking in our favor. Then you top that off with the fact that our agency is obviously actively trying to get its Kyrgyz families to switch to other countries and Magic 8-Ball is saying, "All signs point to No."

I won't lie and say that being pregnant doesn't influence this decision either. In the beginning...we started this because we were trying to build our family. I've never denied that my purpose for adoption (or pregnancy) was selfish--I want desperately to be a mother. I know some may be uncomfortable with this, and as I've said before...stop reading.

But I KNOW I was born to be a mother. I knew it when I was 5. I knew it when I was 15. I've always known it. I don't know why it has been an uneasy path to get there, but mine is not to reason why.

So, I have all my hopes in RFBF right now, and later down the road, our little frozen Sam-I-Am (just for you, Cindy)...and if they are not meant to be, we still have more cycles with Shady Grove (though I so dread the thought), and if NONE of that works...we'll adopt domestically.
Again, I know that may be disappointing, and for that I am sorry. We have spent the last year+ pouring our hearts into a process that in the end, we really just have no leverage and control in. And that's the way IA works--there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that any other country should do as we say just because we say so. Even IF it is perhaps in the best interest of their citizens, a country's autonomy is its right. And with that comes the realization that there is no recourse that I, a woman used to law and structure and legal ways to right wrongs, have when dealing with another country. Though I know domestic adoptions have their heartaches, at least working within the confines of a system I know and have some power in, I'd feel more comfortable.

And so, on Monday, we will probably end our relationship with our adoption agency. In a way, that will be sort of a relief, because in truth, it has been nearly a YEAR since I have truly felt they were acting in my best interest and not theirs. We will consider the thousands of dollars lost expensive (and heart-wrenching) lessons learned, though I still don't know what lessons, because for most every step of the way, I truly and whole-heartedly believed that we were following paths we were supposed to.

And I will always wonder about the giggly, pig-tailed little girl we would have swaddled in pink princess gear and loved more than she could have ever imagined. Every time I look at something I bought specifically for Emma Jane, I will be reminded of the excitement and anticipation I felt as I bought it. I just hope it doesn't always sting like it does now.