Saturday, March 28, 2009


Well, as sad as I am to say this, we are going to say goodbye to Kyrgyzstan. Not to following all the work wonderful missionaries are doing there, not to continuing to sponsor and help when we can. Not to all the families waiting for their beloved children, and certainly not to the prayers for all of those families.

Just goodbye to our dossier and our plan to adopt a baby girl from Kyrgyzstan.

Our caseworker sent out her Friday message and basically it said that someone in office was assassinated, there was some investigation and lots of innuendo to corruption...and basically, the adoption issues are YET again going to be put on the table indefinite later.

When you figure that there are 65 families waiting for their already matched children, and then there are 199 dossiers just hanging out with ours...well, the odds are not looking in our favor. Then you top that off with the fact that our agency is obviously actively trying to get its Kyrgyz families to switch to other countries and Magic 8-Ball is saying, "All signs point to No."

I won't lie and say that being pregnant doesn't influence this decision either. In the beginning...we started this because we were trying to build our family. I've never denied that my purpose for adoption (or pregnancy) was selfish--I want desperately to be a mother. I know some may be uncomfortable with this, and as I've said before...stop reading.

But I KNOW I was born to be a mother. I knew it when I was 5. I knew it when I was 15. I've always known it. I don't know why it has been an uneasy path to get there, but mine is not to reason why.

So, I have all my hopes in RFBF right now, and later down the road, our little frozen Sam-I-Am (just for you, Cindy)...and if they are not meant to be, we still have more cycles with Shady Grove (though I so dread the thought), and if NONE of that works...we'll adopt domestically.
Again, I know that may be disappointing, and for that I am sorry. We have spent the last year+ pouring our hearts into a process that in the end, we really just have no leverage and control in. And that's the way IA works--there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that any other country should do as we say just because we say so. Even IF it is perhaps in the best interest of their citizens, a country's autonomy is its right. And with that comes the realization that there is no recourse that I, a woman used to law and structure and legal ways to right wrongs, have when dealing with another country. Though I know domestic adoptions have their heartaches, at least working within the confines of a system I know and have some power in, I'd feel more comfortable.

And so, on Monday, we will probably end our relationship with our adoption agency. In a way, that will be sort of a relief, because in truth, it has been nearly a YEAR since I have truly felt they were acting in my best interest and not theirs. We will consider the thousands of dollars lost expensive (and heart-wrenching) lessons learned, though I still don't know what lessons, because for most every step of the way, I truly and whole-heartedly believed that we were following paths we were supposed to.

And I will always wonder about the giggly, pig-tailed little girl we would have swaddled in pink princess gear and loved more than she could have ever imagined. Every time I look at something I bought specifically for Emma Jane, I will be reminded of the excitement and anticipation I felt as I bought it. I just hope it doesn't always sting like it does now.


  1. Lori,
    As terrible as this may sound, I am so glad you have your pregnancy to help carry you through this. I know one does not replace the other, but at the same time, you have something (or maybe TWO things) going very right in your life right now... something to focus your time on. To me it would be more difficult without something positive. For us, well, we are done with Kyrgyzstan as well, and will likely move onto another country. Like you, my husband is hesitant as this is now our THIRD country (Vietnam, Kyrgyzstan and now the 3rd yet to be named)tens of thousands of dollars, two 1/2 years and still no child. But, for us, God is leading us Internationally. We'll see how that goes.
    God has wonderful plans for your family and I'm very anxious to hear what they are as they unfold for you.

    In Christian Love,

  2. I know your mixed feelings, because we have moved on as well. I also wonder what will happen to the little boy I dreamed of--even though I never saw him, I know he is real and out there. Knowing about Kyrgyzstan and helping even in a small way with their struggles may be enough of a reason why we were drawn there in the first place.

  3. Lori,

    I've got a referral in Kyrg and will be waiting to see what happens. But I know that I may never get to see him home and I've been working on my options as a result. Very heartwrenching -- to say the least!

    I will be continuing to follow your journey to parenthood and in some ways, thanking Kyrg for getting to you to try the option that is showing every sign of being a home run for you.

    My blessings to whoever might have been Emma Jane and my prayers to RFBF who it looks like will enrich your home.

    Kathy W

  4. I completely understand your decision. This has been a hard process for all us. I will continue following your journey and keep RFBF in my prayers. You are going to be a great mom!!!!!!

  5. I don't know if you remember, but I went through something very similar to this after we found out we were pregnant with the boys. I couldn't even smile about them until I was about 13 weeks pregnant. Even now, I have sadness and longing in my heart for our little girl that we worked so feverishly to bring home. I don't think I will ever "get over" losing her. The experience was the same as the miscarriage almost a year earlier. God placed us on the path to adoption for reasons that are still unknown to me. I have faith that someday He will reveal why He did that and until that day I just have to have faith in Him through the heartache. And that's all I have to say about that.

  6. That is a tough decision to make, but God has placed on your heart a country you would probably never had thought about, and that is a true blessing! I know your heart aches and I am so sorry about that, it'll be a story you'll have to tell your children someday and maybe they will come to love Kyrgyzstan as you have!

  7. And what you will find is that the things you bought for Emma Jane will STILL give you the same joy when either RF or BF or another child is enjoying it. Believe me, I know. I just gave Ellie a Cabbage Patch doll I bought for a child I expected from China. Did it matter - NOPE!!!

    I'm sad, honestly, because I wanted that "connection" with you, but I know that God leads us in different directions sometimes. And, I know that you and I will still be blog buddies FOREVER!!

  8. You already have your answer, God has provided you with it! Praise God!! If I were to be starting all over again, now 10 years down the road, I might rethink International Adoption as well. Things are much harder, we are beating our heads against a wall with Kazakhstan...but Mom's will go through hell and back without a fireproof suit for their children and frankly at the moment that is what this feels like. Fortunately I have 3 handsome faces in front of me reminding me it CAN be done.

    RF BF will fulfill your dreams...and Sam-I-Am will be waiting for you (thanks for that by the way! hahaha!).

    God is good. No regrets.