Monday, March 16, 2009

Dear Heather...

Okay, so I'm using the guise of my sister Heather to vent, but hey, that's what big sisters are allowed to do. AND, yes, she reads the blog and knows exactly the spirit behind my sentiments.

My sentiments, being of course, that this waiting sucks and it sucks even more because there is a very likely possibility (nay, I say probability, if we are looking at statistics) that on Thursday I will get the results that say this cycle didn't take.

And so, why Dear Heather? Well, she just gets to be the embodiment of all the well-intentioned but pain in my butt comments about "being positive," "not stressing," and the one I thought the funniest (sorry, Heather)--"Welcoming what the universe has in store for me," (Um, by the way, Heather, we need to talk about that, but later....)

I know people do NOT mean it when they say it, but the bottom line is that EVERY time someone tells me that I need to be positive or stop thinking negatively or stop worrying about it, they are basically insinuating that *I* have any control WHATSOEVER in whether this is successful or not, and further, you are insinuating that if it is NOT successful, then it is basically *MY* fault. Now, do NOT get me wrong--my sister, and MANY, MANY others would love nothing more for me than to get pregnant and become a mother. Further, their comments are truly based on nothing more than hope for me and to give me comfort and security...of that, I have no doubt.

But, I'm going to be really, really honest. Those comments TICK ME OFF. It is NOT up to me. I'm pretty sure I've stated before that if I had a nickel for EVERY FLIPPING TIME I thought, no, REALLY thought I was pregnant--I'd be bailing the US out just out of the kindness of my good old benevolent heart. I HAVE been positive and hopeful and absolutely SURE that it was going to happen. Like I said--I have TEN YEARS worth of toys, books, baby clothes and more that proves that. If ME being pregnant was up to my positive and sunny attitude about successfully getting pregnant, well...I'd be rivaling the Octo-mom, trust me. I WAS positive and sunny--every single flipping month, after month, after month, after YEAR that I took my temperature every blessed morning, and took all the fertility herbs and scheduled the "Baby Dances", read the books, prayed and prayed more...did the NAME IT. There were days that I was SOOOOOO SURE that it was FINALLY going to be two lines that I bought the stupid little cards to give to John to tell him we were pregnant.

And, for naught.

So, when I approach this cycle, which had a 48% chance of success if all went PERFECTLY to my doctor's plan (which it didn't!) with a little more realism and cautious optimism, forgive me for not doing cartwheels and starting little RFBF's college funds just yet. Like John said yesterday, if I knew I had a 40% chance of dying on my way to work, would I go? Ummm, probably not. His point being that even though it is a smaller chance, it is still chance enough to expect it to happen. I agree.

But, I also have to add this to that....If someone told me I had a 40% chance of dying on my way to work, and I still went, every day, for TEN YEARS, still living at the end of each day....well, I'd have to say that I'd be pretty safe in expecting NOT to die.

So, as I am now 10dp3dt (10 days past the 3 day transfer), and set to take the test on Thursday, I will NOT be surprised if it is negative. I will be very pleasantly surprised if it is positive, and yes, I DO think that could happen. I desperately hope it will happen.

But don't sue me just because I am realistic.


  1. Lori...wanting to comment on so much, but simply unable to tonight...doing a little wallowing of my own. But I did want you to know that I care.

  2. How about this -- I'LL stay positive for you and then if it doesn't work you can blame me. You know my heart is so with you on this one and I wish I could reach through the computer and {{{{{HUG}}}}}} you.

  3. Lori,
    I have been following your blog for quite some time and appreciate your honest, raw feelings as you write. Please update us quickly on Thursday as you have many a friend in the blog world who are really rooting for you. Until then, I'll pray for you. God already knows what will happen on Thursday, and He also knows the desires of your heart.... so I pray for God to give you the child you want to have (hopefully on Thursday!!!) and for the strenghth/patience for you to wait on his timing.

    Christian Love coming to you from SC,

  4. Lori,
    I also appreciate your honesty and emotion through all this. I can't say enough how many times people's well meaning comments can really flip my lid yet I don't have the courage to tell them to tame their tongue. And good for your for saying it the way it is, I really get tired of the pretenses that good people have and yes, at times I have been one of them, sorry to say.
    I pray that God will touch your womb and bring forth the desires of your heart.

  5. Just wanted to say that I have been thinking about you as I myself am entering the same world! =)