Really?

So, thankfully I got back on track for a transfer last week.  Hooray.  BCP being taken, mock transfer and baselines being scheduled, plans for the end of June ironed out.

And then I went to my RE here in NC yesterday.  To do the mock transfer.  Technically, since we just did one in December for Trey's cycle, I didn't need one, but since I had a D&C almost two months ago, it wouldn't hurt to just have a saline ultrasound and make sure all was well.

It wasn't.

Dr. P's resident started the procedure.  No offense to residents, of course, but the reality is they are just getting into gaining experience, so someone presenting with a little bit of difficulty may throw them.  I have no problem helping someone gain experience; we all have to somehow.

That said—OH.MY.WORD.

This is a procedure that usually is pretty quick and pretty painless.

Not yesterday.  That poor guy was just flustered, and FINALLY, after turning my insides out, he told Dr. P he needed help.

So Dr. P took over.

And discovered that I now have a stenotic cervix.

I try not to Dr. Google anymore.  Too much that just makes me crazy.  What I was told was that scar tissue from the D&C has essentially closed my cervix.

I just cried.  There on the table.  As he's talking about all the things that could be...like I may not even be able to transfer the two blasts we have left EVER, much less at the end of June.

He tried a bit more to get the catheter into my uterus and then I just began to bleed.  A lot.  So much that they wouldn't let me sit up from the table for 15 minutes because they were worried about me passing out.

I was a bit dizzy, I guess, but more in shock.

Seriously?

More insult to injury.

I called Jackie and she said Dr. K wanted me up there in Waldorf ASAP.  He wants to see what is going on.  There are things that can be done, but he needs to assess.  Luke and I are driving up tomorrow and Dr. K is going to try this mock transfer again there in his office and see what he thinks.  Depending on what he finds, he may have me go in for a hysteroscopy on Monday.  Super fun.

Jackie told me that worst case scenario was doing the transfer, but under sedation so they could just 'push' through that scar tissue.

Which presents its own set of problems.  Lots of women have been known to suffer from incompetent cervix as a result of this...a stenotic cervix due to D&C.

MORE RISK.

And at this point, is it worth doing the transfer now?  At the end of June, rather?  If I am still having issues, why exacerbate?  Take a chance on getting pregnant, even get pregnant only to LOSE AGAIN because it was just too early after the D&C?

How would I or doctors even know what the right decision would be?  It's all supposition.

The silver lining is that we found this out NOW—in an office in NC rather than at Shady Grove on June 25 as I have two precious blastocysts all thawed out with no place to go.

I cannot imagine.

So, until Friday...more limbo.  I hate the limbo.  I hate it.

So many people push for 'acceptance' in the grieving process...heck, just acceptance of life in general.

It is what it is.  Bloom where you are planted.  Recognize what you can change and live with what you can't.

Yada yada yada.

I'm so over all the what-ifs.  I am and always have been a planner.  After Matthew died, I realized that the best plans fail.

Miserably.  So, I am a lot more go-with-the flow now.

But this is ridiculous.  I'm about at the top of my load.

And oh, Luke??????

The WORST case of Hand, Foot Mouth his doctors have ever seen.

As was quoted last night, "He looks like Job."

Yep.  He does.  And it's been miserable for him.

Us too.

This is just a little glimpse..I can't keep him still enough to show how bad his hands and feet look.  Thankfully, he's on the upswing as the sores are scabbing over, but God love him.  Poor thing.