Paper after paper after paper with penned signature to bring a baby girl who needed a family into our family that needed a baby.
Didn't happen.
Penned journal entry after journal entry about a baby boy who will never read how much his mother loved him.
Because he died.
A calendar that tells me that this week, I'd be 18w4d pregnant.
With my third baby boy.
Every week, carefully and joyfully marked so that my countdown could be forever memorialized and one day I'd show him how much I was waiting for him.
Written in pen.
Ruined calendar.
Ruined dreams.
Ruined.
I'd like to blame it on the pen.
But I know better.
You'd think I'd know better.
It's never wrong to give our hearts fully to every moment, even though we know from experience it will sometimes ache unbearably.
ReplyDeleteSweet, sweet Lori. My heart continues to ache for you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteDang the reminders, the things we canNOT help but allow our hearts to hope for and dream about. Definitely nothing wrong with it, it just hurts us afterwards for being so hopeful, though Hope is never bad! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, Lori. Of course we have to write these things in pen -- if we were too afraid to, we'd got crazy!
ReplyDeleteI was tortured by the calendar when Janessa died. I had to see how many weeks pregnant I should be each time I glanced at it. When I was pregnant with our rainbow I only allowed myself to write on the calendar up to week I lost Janessa, and it was in pencil. Big Hugs to you. xoxo
ReplyDelete{{{ Hugs }}} Thinking of you so much. reminders they get me everytime. I think I like to use pen so I never forget , I don't want to forget what should have been a part of my life. No matter what they are w/ me forever.
ReplyDeleteLori,
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your blog, I thought . . . but God writes on our hearts, so whether or not the calendar reads a sad reminder or not, your sweet heart is still loving your babies. I wish I could erase all the calendar reminders for you, but I am so happy to know that God has written a special love for you and through you, on your very heart.
Are you still getting spam email from pregnancy sites & baby formula coupons in the mail like I am from the last time I was pregnant & lost him or her? Don'tcha just love that? I've written 3 letters & still get emails from pregnancy.com talking about the stage of life Baby Ali should be in. Ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteYep! After having to throw away a perfectly good calendar after my first loss, I wrote everything in pencil for K and C's pregnancies. And I would only go like 2 or 3 weeks out, never a full 40. Ever. It was a mixture of supersticion and anxiety and the fact that I really didn't want to have to throw away another calendar.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you so much Lori. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and on my heart often. I wish I could give you a hug! ((HUG))
ReplyDeleteMany hugs to you my friend!
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. Hugs and prayers... <3
ReplyDeleteI know just how you feel. I wrote in very faint pencil how many weeks I was but only a month past where I actually was. That was if I ever needed to, I could bitterly erase those weeks I would never make it to. I had made that crappy mistake several times. It seems that I'm in that "should have known better" club too.
ReplyDeletexoxox
I get it. I have all Samuel's would be milestones written in pen. I have his birth mother's birthday written in pen in October in my calendar. You would think by know I would have learned to use pencil. Love you Lori.
ReplyDeleteFeeling the ache of your words. Praying for you on this journey.
ReplyDelete