Admittedly, I have been sick (literally) to my stomach since Tuesday.
A lot is going on in and around our lives, and frankly, much of what has been going on gives me quite a bit of perspective.
So, while I have been sick to my stomach, wondering what would happen today, I have also been at peace.
It has been well with my soul.
But it has. I am very happy with the life I live. I am fulfilled. I am busy. I have good friends and good family and am seriously thrilled to mother my amazing little Luke on this earth and be the mother to two more precious boys in Heaven.
I ache for what is gone, only because I know what could have and should have been...but I also realize my life is still pretty great.
I devised all my 'worst case scenarios,' and even THEY were livable.
Funny what becomes livable once the shock of death has entered your world, isn't it?
It would not be fun to have a hysteroscopy.
It would not be fun to do the transfer under sedation.
It would stink to have to push the transfer off to give me more healing time.
It would be heartbreaking if there was just no way to ever transfer them to me.
Livable, livable, livable.
I sat on the table waiting for Dr. K to come in and just prayed for mercy. To just take away my anxiety because no matter what, I'd live. And be ok. I don't know if anyone even understands how many back-up plans on top of back-up plans I have...and though some of them stink, they all leave me ok.
Dr. K had not one.single.bit of trouble getting through my cervix and into my uterus. Not.one.bit.
He said he knows exactly what happened--the other day, the resident just didn't realize how small I am. How really small my uterus is.
He bets dollars to donuts that poor little guy actually WAS through, but just didn't realize it. He kept pushing but not because my cervix was stenotic--because he was hitting my uterus wall!!!!!
Dr. K showed me where an 'average' woman would normally mark on the catheter (measuring how far in the catheter had to go to get into my uterus).
Then he showed me where the typical 'small' woman's mark on the catheter would be.
Then he showed me my measurement.
WAY different. Dr. K bet that resident had never seen anything like it. By the time Dr. P took over, that poor resident had just done quite a job of wrestling and doing things more forcefully than needed, and Dr. P didn't want to make it worse.
But Dr. K had no problem. Didn't even need to really 'negotiate' as he sometimes has to do with me.
He said my uterus looked pristine. A true testament to the thorough work my OB had done.
He said it looked fabulous; I was great at making fluffy lining and that he saw no reason whatsoever not to have a transfer on the 25th.
Everything looked and was GREAT.
He told me not to worry about my small uterus. (I wasn't until he said something, ha ha.) He said, "Lori, I'm sure you've been told you are a unique woman. Your uterus is no exception. You have successfully handled two full-term pregnancies in less than three years. Your uterus may be small, but it is mighty."
Small, but mighty. John usually tells me that I'm small, but scrappy.
I'll take either one, thank you, very much.
Back on for June 25th!!!
One more reason I love Dr. K? When I told him how sick I'd been, he said, "Lori, you know 90% of what we worry about never even comes to fruition."
Then he stopped for a second, looked at me and said, "I'm sorry. Even though that is true, the 10% you and John have had to endure is awful. It is no wonder you always assume the worst. You live it."
YES. It is NO WONDER.
So glad that he gets it.
And loves us anyway!