Today, with Still Standing, I am joining Tara as she (and others linking) are talking about where they are in this 'journey.'
If honest, I don't love that terminology. I feel a journey is something I chose to do...take a trip, an adventure. Planned a course and set out for the 'journey.'
These days, I feel it's more like I am on a really old and rickety roller coaster...the kind that makes you giddy and giggle in a very scared and anticipatory way, but after you are off, you look at it and go, "What in THE WORLD was I thinking????"
It's a ride that frankly, I'm tired of.
I've spent the last 12.5 years either wanting to be pregnant, trying to be pregnant, trying to adopt, trying to do both, being pregnant, being un-pregnant, trying to be pregnant again, raising a living baby, trying to be pregnant AGAIN, being un-pregnant AGAIN and trying to be pregnant AGAIN.
Did you get all that? Dizzying. And I'm tired.
I KNEW the second I typed that my nurse said my HCG decline was the fastest she'd ever seen, I was asking for trouble. I just knew it.
I have had to have blood drawn every other day for the last two weeks. It was 22. A couple of days later...15. A couple of days later...8. A couple of days later...SIX. SIX, people. (I need to have 5 or under to be officially un-pregnant and start the countdown for all the recurrent loss testing.)
Sigh. I'm SURE today is the day it will finally be official.
Thankfully, six is close enough to five that my nurse said we could use Friday's result as the first day for the countdown. That means that I will do the loss bloodwork on the 15th of June, get the results back, and then am scheduled for the transfer of our remaining two embryos on the 25th of June.
I had lunch with my sweet friend today and as we were talking about it, I said, "I know that will be here like, yesterday, but really...I am just sick of being in the middle of pregnant and not-pregnant. I just want out of the limbo. I either want to be pregnant and done or not pregnant and done."
That made me sad. I hated that I said that I felt stuck in the middle of pregnant and not-pregnant.
I am NOT pregnant.
There is no denying that. A month ago today ensured that. I sort of feel like I'm doing what I often accuse others of doing to me—assuming that getting pregnant again will make things easier.
Will make this pain as I am looking at a Mother's Day now with TWO babies gone sting a bit less.
But like Luke didn't take ANY sting of Matthew being gone...he DID add to the joy in our lives in exponential and immeasurable ways.
I can't lie and say I am not really, really hopeful for more of that.
I'm just getting to the point where my hope for more is not balanced with sheer disgust and lack of desire to create more babies only to have them die.
This ride is getting to be too much. Just too much.