Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I'm Tired Of This Ride....

Today, with Still Standing, I am joining Tara as she (and others linking) are talking about where they are in this 'journey.'

If honest, I don't love that terminology.  I feel a journey is something I chose to do...take a trip, an adventure.  Planned a course and set out for the 'journey.'

These days, I feel it's more like I am on a really old and rickety roller coaster...the kind that makes you giddy and giggle in a very scared and anticipatory way, but after you are off, you look at it and go, "What in THE WORLD was I thinking????"

It's a ride that frankly, I'm tired of.

I've spent the last 12.5 years either wanting to be pregnant, trying to be pregnant, trying to adopt, trying to do both, being pregnant, being un-pregnant, trying to be pregnant again, raising a living baby, trying to be pregnant AGAIN, being un-pregnant AGAIN and trying to be pregnant AGAIN.

Did you get all that?  Dizzying.  And I'm tired.

I  KNEW the second I typed that my nurse said my HCG decline was the fastest she'd ever seen, I was asking for trouble.  I just knew it.

I have had to have blood drawn every other day for the last two weeks.  It was 22.  A couple of days later...15.  A couple of days later...8.  A couple of days later...SIX.  SIX, people. (I need to have 5 or under to be officially un-pregnant and start the countdown for all the recurrent loss testing.)

Sigh.  I'm SURE today is the day it will finally be official.

Thankfully, six is close enough to five that my nurse said we could use Friday's result as the first day for the countdown.  That means that I will do the loss bloodwork on the 15th of June, get the results back, and then am scheduled for the transfer of our remaining two embryos on the 25th of June.

I had lunch with my sweet friend today and as we were talking about it, I said, "I know that will be here like, yesterday, but really...I am just sick of being in the middle of pregnant and not-pregnant.  I just want out of the limbo.  I either want to be pregnant and done or not pregnant and done."

That made me sad.  I hated that I said that I felt stuck in the middle of pregnant and not-pregnant.

I am NOT pregnant.

There is no denying that.  A month ago today ensured that.  I sort of feel like I'm doing what I often accuse others of doing to me—assuming that getting pregnant again will make things easier.

Will make this pain as I am looking at a Mother's Day now with TWO babies gone sting a bit less.

It won't.

But like Luke didn't take ANY sting of Matthew being gone...he DID add to the joy in our lives in exponential and immeasurable ways.

I can't lie and say I am not really, really hopeful for more of that.

I'm just getting to the point where my hope for more is not balanced with sheer disgust and lack of desire to create more babies only to have them die.

This ride is getting to be too much.  Just too much.

I'm tired.


  1. I'm here too. Though I haven't been on the rollercoaster as long (you have 10 yrs on me), I'm also tired of all of this. I don't want to be in the waiting room anymore, I just want my family. Why does it have to be so hard?

    Hoping that the next beta is below 5 so that you can move forward. And I'm hoping that this is the final ride on the rollercoaster, ending with happiness and hope.

  2. {{{ hugs }}} Thinking of you always xo

  3. Big big hugs. So tight you feel claustrophobic. Sweet sweet Lori. Just make sure you are buckled in, I'm not even going to ask you to hold on. Right here beside you.

  4. I am here too, though my roller coaster has had different hills and turns. 15 years of highs and lows, twists and turns. Like you, I am so tired. Keep your head held high, dear friend, and remember to smile at all the beauty life gives you.

  5. i'm sorry you're so tired of this ~ it is certainly understandable. june 25th sounds like a great date for a transfer! it's my wedding anniversary. i hope it turns out to be a lucky date for you, too!

  6. There is no getting off this ride, this roller coaster, or stepping off the path. I loath the ride (though I don't know why they call it that either). The only positive thing I can throw your way is to remind yourself that there will be a high. The lowest of the lows are always followed by the highs. It's hard to continue to remind yourself of that, especially when you're in a low (and frankly, hard not to expect the low whe you're in a high). "Hang in there" and "hold tight" just don't cut it, I know. Just be, and remind yourself that you are allowed to feel this way. Don't try to talk yourself out of your feelings, just experience them... before you know it you're experiencing the best that you could possibly imagine!
    I so wish I had the right thing to say to make it all better, but I know, there's just nothing that takes this away or changes it... but you do wake up one day and realize that it has changed.

    Much love and thoughts!!!!

  7. I just want to tell you that it's ok to be tired and it's ok to not be strong for a while and it's ok to fall apart if you need to.

    There are plenty of arms to hold you while you do.

    I know that you already know this but sometimes it bears repeating.

    Wishing peace and all good things for you my friend.

    And thank you for your continuing support. It is very very much appreciated.


  8. I could have written this post. Except you have a better way of saying it all. Hugs and prayers, Lori.

  9. Oh honey to get off the ride! Don't we all wish we never were thrust on to that rickety roller coaster?!?! Just love honey, nothing but love!!!!

  10. Lori, I am so so sorry. I wish so much you didn't know this crazy ride you're on. I can feel your tiredness in your words. Thinking of you this weekend friend, and praying for rest for your heart. xxxx