How ungrateful are the thoughts going through my head today.
I know that. I have prayed all morning for them to be taken away. I'm trying really, really hard to overcome them.
But they are there.
Mother's Day. Bleh.
My mother is dead.
Two of my three babies are dead.
I had to spend nearly 11 years just to even get to babies who die.
Year after year of sitting in the pew hearing all about how being a mother is the most important job there is and there is no greater honor for a woman than to be a wife and mother.
So do you not get to be honorable if you can't bring babies home to raise?
I know that's not what is ever meant, but I think it's very rarely thought about when pastors all over the country are making their Mother's Day sermons. Or planning baby dedications on Mother's Day.
I think they are forgetting about the vast amount of women for whom Mother's Day hurts. Stings. Stirs up more aching and more longing.
Here's the way I look at it....I am grateful beyond grateful for the blessings of my children. For the joy that Luke gives to me every.single.second. (Even the ones where he's flapping his arms and throwing whatever toy he has down in protest of something I am doing.)
But that's every day. Every day is Mother's Day to me with that boy. Every amazing day I am thankful for hearing him say, "Mama? Mama?"
The day that's *designated* Mother's Day? That one hurts. Makes me miss my mother so much. Wish there was so much she could see and I could talk to her about.
Makes me realize that this whole 'motherhood' road I've been on really hurts in a lot of places on a lot of days.
Makes me wish for just a nanosecond that I didn't even know what infertility and loss felt like...even if it meant that I just never had a desire for kids. To save me from that pain.
It's just one of those markers that stares me in the face and reminds me I'm supposed to feel one way but really feel another and I have to reconcile those feelings within myself and to the world.
Tough job on a day that's supposed to be all about me.
Did you know that Mother's Day the holiday eventually came to be as the result of women gathering together during the civil war times...mothers who were grieving together and mourning the losses of their sons?
Now that's a Mother's Day that's more realistic and applicable to me. Sadly. I'd rather accept that kind of background and remembrance for Mother's Day proper, and then spend the other 364 days relishing in the joys of motherhood. The gratitude I have for the mothers and grandmothers I've had in my life. Being glad that my dad has another woman in his life who loves Luke. Celebrating the wonderful mom and Grandma (Luke's almost there in saying it!) that John's mom is to us with little things through the year, instead of one day that has all these expectations placed on it.
Just not having to act like Mother's Day is this great, all-about-me day that is all celebration.
The reality is, I don't need a lot of celebrating. I'm psyched at the nap I am getting (rather, should be getting...as soon as I finish typing this blog!). One day, I'll be all about flowers made of pipe-cleaner and handprints, macaroni necklaces and candles made from baby-food jars.
Now, though...it's just too soon after losing Matthew and his littlest sister or brother to not have some pretty heavy melancholy. I know too many moms who are not recognized as moms. Too many women without their mothers. Just too much sadness that's sort of overshadowed. That bothers me just a bit too much.
I'm rambling. I don't even know what point I am trying to make...other than I get how Mother's Day is a great and amazing day—how I am grateful beyond words to raise my hand when told to in church.
I just also know how much it hurts for so, so, so many women. And I hate that. If you are one of them, and reading this, I'm sorry.
Truly. I'm sorry. I get it.
(And I should mention, my service at church this morning, even with a baby dedication, was AWESOME! My pastor and his wife have dealt with infertility for years. He gets it. My church in Maryland never made me feel less of a person because I wasn't a mother either, even with baby dedications on Mother's Day too. What is it about baby dedications on Mother's Day? Anyway, just wanted to put that disclaimer in. For the last few years, we've been very, very blessed with our churches and church families. Just know that sometimes, even the small "Raise your hand if you are a mother," or watching a baby dedication on Mother's Day really, really stings.)