Remembering with Anguish and Joy...and Another Giveaway

I'm doing the Beth Moore Bible study on James.  The concept that has struck me to my inner core so far is the concept of living with anguish and joy...how the very nature of our humanness unfortunately means that we can experience such joy and glee that makes our heart sing...while at the same time, know in the depths of our hearts an anguish that seems unquenchable...never able to heal...never able from which to recover.

How those two completely opposite, heavy and all-encompassing emotions can co-exist in so many lives.

And how we are to count it ALL as joy...even the anguish.

I admit.  I've struggled at times in this study because it really hits home.  Beth's example of a time that she's experienced an anguish that was gut-wrenching was far, far, far different than mine.  And in her situation...all lived.

(Don't get me wrong...I LOVE BETH MOORE!  She has gone through struggles and trials unfathomable herself, and still praises Him beautifully.  I'm just saying that as she was taking us to that 'place of anguish' in her video, mine was much, much, much deeper and soul-crushing.)

Anyway. Remembering. THIS POST is from this day exactly three years ago.  I just reread it.  I cried.  Even more than this morning when I updated Facebook, remembering this day.

This was the day I became a mother.  I remember it so vividly.  I was terrified we were going to have a difficult time getting to Rockville because of the two feet of snow we'd just gotten.  I had no idea what to expect.  And really...I just couldn't believe that it would work our first try.

As I reread...I am also struck by my feelings then...God's will...what will be, will be...my ease and ability to so carelessly toss it all into that big bin of "God is in control," and really believe that.

It's easy to believe it when it hasn't been really challenged.

Oh, it was challenged when my mom died and when John's dad died...cancer...a sick, evil word.  Two precious people gone way before they should have been.

But they were parents.  We expect our parents to go before we do.

We do not expect that we will have to be sure the 'baby' coffin we pick out for our son is long enough for his tiny body because he was so tall.

THAT challenged my ease of belief.

Regardless, March 6 is one of my favorite, favorite days.  March 6 gave me the best early birthday present ever...a sweet little one nestled in his mommy's tummy...allowing me the honor of protecting and serving him until we met.  Even if just in a caress of a shoulder months later.

To honor Matthew, I'd like to do another giveaway.  Several months ago, a talented pianist named John Albert offered, out of the generosity of his heart, beautiful music made in honor of bereaved parents...parents he'd found out about through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...and parents everywhere who knew the grief in losing a little one far too soon.  He was (and I believe still may be) offering FREE downloads of the music, as well as the option to purchase the beautiful CD versions to honor several little ones.  I thought it was so kind of him to do so that I bought two.  One for myself and one to giveaway...one day.

Today is the day.  We have another ultrasound and visit with our amazing doctors in Maryland on Friday.  We graduate from Shady Grove, and also get to see our beloved Dr. Sweeney so he can tell us this little one looks like a million bucks.  To enter this giveaway, just give me another guess at the heartbeat rate.  Honestly, I'm trying to stay away from Dr. Google, so I don't even know what the average heartbeat rate at 7w6d is, so I can't help with guesses.  Whoever gets it, or comes closest, wins.

And as we wait for the winning answer...please say a little prayer for my anxiety.  I admit I'm worried about having a good ultrasound on Friday.  There's no reason we shouldn't, but I'm having a hard time keeping the fear at bay.