Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Who I Am Today...

Today, I am 39 years old. (Gasp.)

I am a shell of who I used to be.

I am stronger than I ever wanted to be.

I am a former extrovert...now an introvert with super acting skills.

I am a former social butterfly who could befriend just about anyone but now, a self-proclaimed hermit.

I used to enjoy and be energized by new people and new circumstances where I could roar.

Now, no one really wants to hear what I feel like roaring.  I don't blame them.  I wish it didn't pulse through my veins with every beat of my heart.

HE'S GONE.


NO ONE TAKES HIS PLACE.


I CAN'T BREATHE.

But...

I am a mother. Unbelievably, and against many odds, I am a mother.

And though I want to just scream with agony at the top of my lungs sometimes....

I sing every.single. day.

Every day.  Imagine Snow White with birds fluttering around and silly squirrels happily twittering.

Because I am so often overwhelmed with gratitude and love and joy for the precious little brother who also leaves me not breathing...gasping for air because he makes me laugh so much I nearly cry.

Happy tears.  Joyful tears.  Bittersweet tears.  But sweet nonetheless.

I am a tornado.  Emotions raging through me so strongly I can't contain them sometimes.

Injustice??????  LET ME AT IT.

Threaten harm to my family?  Consider yourself in a war you will not win.

Tenacious?  So I've been told.

But tamed.

Tamed by the knowledge that everyone has a story.  Some, we just don't know.

Tamed by the arrogant way I so easily threw around, "Everything happens for a reason," as I would console someone...and how those words now sear my skin.  Then, I thought, "Oh...if only this person had the faith that *I* have...their hearts would be comforted."  The arrogance has me humbled and tamed.

Just tamed.

I am defeated.

I am a winner.

I am able to accept it all.

I am not able to happily accept it all.

I have smiled more in the last 14 months than I have in my entire life.

I have cried more in the last two years than I have in my entire life.

I am barely a newlywed in my head.

I am old enough to be the grandmother of some of the little ones in some of Luke's playgroups. (And I'm not talking 12 year-old motherhood either.  Like seriously, I was in college when some moms were born!)

I feel I was targeted.  I feel I was tested.  I feel I was punished.

I feel I am blessed beyond measure.  I am so, so grateful that I don't have to worry about food or clothes or a roof over our head.  We have amazing things and an amazing life.

I am well-traveled.

I just don't really feel like going many places anymore.

I am well-educated.

But I can't find my keys or wallet half the time, much less do anything more taxing with my brain.

I feel like I am capable of doing so much more in my life.

But don't even know what more I'd want to do.  I never want to be away from Luke.

I am infertile.

But... infertile women don't have children.

Yes,we do.  And I am.  Still.  

I am a person completely different than I was November 28, 2009.

But the same.  Same face, more wrinkles.  Same hair, now with gray.  Same eyes, only without the same sparkle.  Same laugh, just more guarded about its use.  Same body, but with scarring reminders of what it's been through and what it's given up.

So very much the same and so very much different.

Any time I hear the Kenny Chesney song, "Who you'd be today," I always wonder just who I am?  Today?

And all I ever can answer is that I am in the Great I Am's hands.

Every day, who I am changes, but being held never does.  It feels different at different times, and that doesn't always settle as well with me as I'd like it to.

But I believe Him for who He says He is.

One who does not plan to harm me.  One who has great plans for my future.  One who has given me the strength to wake up every single day for 39 years.  One who has given me the most amazing miracles I could ever fathom.

One who knows who I am.

10 comments:

  1. Wow, that is a powerful affirmation!!

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  3. These are the words I've been trying to form for 6 years now. Everything I've wanted to scream, but not able. Thank you for sharing this today. Blessings to you.

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  4. LOVE this Lori! And am so excited to be getting to know you through SS! I love your little Matthew... and just read your post on SS and I got chills when I read the It Is Well With My Soul part... big sigh... What a journey... Love to you and I am now following your blog so I can get to know you better! xoxo! (the other Lori!) ;)

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  5. beautiful! happy birthday, Lori!!!

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  6. It's strange how often I read your post and I feel like I could have written it myself. Well put...and Happy Birthday!!!

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  7. Lori, The very first time I happened onto your blog I was up hours later than I should have been, reading backwards into yours, your husbands and Matthews' story. Your words, your emotions and the rawness of your honesty had me hooked from the very first lines that I read...and I am still hooked. You don't expect accolades, you're not asking for understanding or acceptance and you don't want anyone's forgiveness...you just tell it like it is, say how you are feeling in the moment honestly, painfully, joyfully, reverently, excitedly, angrily, proudfully, hopefully, happily or sadly...what is so beautiful about your honesty is that you allow others to see and to know that they are NOT ALONE and that it is perfectly normal to still miss their children they have lost long after the rest of society has "moved on" and the so-called "mourning period" is supposed to have ended. I lost a baby through MC at 12 weeks and although it was a very painful experience I do not presume to understand how it feels to lose a child much later in pregnancy or after delivery...I believe that the pain would be much deeper. As I read Matthew's birth story as told by both you and your Husband I cried...having given birth to 3 of my own children I known how it is "supposed" to play out and I was remembering the joy WE felt at holding our babies for the first time at each birth and cried even harder knowing that you missed out on that and so much more...I absolutely LOVE the JOY and LOVE that I can hear in your posts when you talk about Luke and that you were able to feel that again after losing Matthew. I have a close friend who lost a 22 y/o daughter and she has told me that everything in her life is separated into two separarate time zones: before Rachel died and after Rachel died. Everything changed in that one moment at the hospital that day when she died from the injuries she rec'd in a car accident. Her biggest fear when Rachel died was that no one would talk about her ever again for fear of upsetting her and in reality hearing Rachel's name doesn't hurt her, it heals her! It lets her know that others think of her and that Rachel MATTERS to others too, that she MEANS SOMETHING!!!

    I know with two kids under 3 you will have your hands full, but you write so beautifully and honestly I think you should consider writing your story out into a book. The story you have to share could help so many women not only dealing with infertility, but also the loss of a child, being a military wife, and finding joy in your every day life while still trying to process through the loss of Matthew and finding time to keep the spark of your marriage lit!

    Thank you for sharing and for your honesty! I'm looking forward to watching the new little miracle unfold!

    Melanie Whitaker

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  8. I absolutely love this Lori!!!

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post!

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  9. Beautifully written. Happy Birthday!!!

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