Monday, March 12, 2012

Surreality and Fear...

I sort of feel as if I am living in a very surreal life.

It is just about insanity to me that I am pregnant for the 3rd time in less than 3 years.  One week from now is another one of my favorite days—March 19.  That's the day we found out for the first time that we were pregnant and I just couldn't believe it.

Three years later, I'm at a loss.  A loss for a name if we have a baby boy, because I'd only ever had one picked out...Matthew.

Luke's name fell perfectly into our lives, and I guess I'm hoping for that again should this baby be a boy because I'm stumped.  A little girl has long been named Molly Jane...but another boy?

When in my wildest dreams would I have imagined three baby boys in my life?  Three baby boy names????

It just feels very surreal.

Really, this whole pregnancy seems that way.  I have to say that I went through most of the IVF cycle banking on it working.  Don't ask why, but I just felt like it would.

But fear is trying to creep back in, which is really strange because honestly, I don't remember feeling more fear than excitement with Luke.

I know that's crazy, but it's true.  I REFUSED to allow my fear to steal one single second of my joy over that second pregnancy test.  I just reread what I wrote HERE and it's funny how it's somewhat similar but quite different from how I am feeling now.

Obviously, fourteen months raising an amazing little boy has given me purpose again...unimaginable joy and happiness.  I couldn't even have imagined that then because my heart was so heavy.

It's not as heavy now.  Two years have gone by and so many people share their love of our Matthew with us nearly every day...somehow...whether a quick email or FB "thinking of you" or picture from the cemetery or whatever...we are so blessed by people who remind us that Matthew MATTERED.  His life is not just one that's gone and made no impact.  We are grateful.

I think with Luke, though...I tried to reinforce my remembrance of odds...that MOST babies go home just fine and seriously?  What were the odds of another catastrophic happening back to back?

We're not back to back anymore.

I feel joyful and happy so, so much of the time.

Life feels different than it should...but it still feels good.  Amazing, actually.

That FLIPPING SHOE just keeps hanging...dangling...taunting.

I still am not feeling all that pregnant.  Thankfully the OHSS has simmered mostly down (though ovaries are still pretty big, most fluid is gone) and I've been so sick in the last several weeks that I've lost several pounds.  I was 92 pounds at retrieval and am currently about 86.

No one needs to get in a dither about that.  The baby is fine.  Fabulous.  Taking everything it possibly needs from me.  I am getting full daily amounts of all vitamins and minerals I need, and though eating has not been easy for me, I am certainly making sure I do my best to keep fed and hydrated.

I'm just small.  Skinny, really.  John keeps saying we need a picture.  I know, we do.

Just not feeling up to it these days.

Which of course makes me twitch a bit because it's soooo like most would laugh about and say, "Yep...second child syndrome.  They never get all the pictures and documentation and attention like the first."

Except this is not our second child.  Our first is dead and his little brother is basically being raised as a first/only child.

Anyway, just not feeling or looking pregnant.  I know we are early...8w2d today, but other than being really tired, I'd not believe I was pregnant except for the wonderful ultrasounds I had on Friday.  I was terrified that we'd go in and find that the growth had stopped.

Nope.  It was perfect.  Measured exactly as I was...7w6d with a lovely, lovely heartrate of 160.

Of course everyone thinks "girl" because that's a bit faster, but I don't believe that for a second...Matthew's at that 8 week appointment was 162 and Luke's at the 8 week appointment was 169!

Both all boy.  In fact, none of the old wives' tales ever I carried, what their heartrates were, whether or not I had heartburn... (and yes, HORRIBLE with Luke and the boy is STILL bald!)

So...we'll see...we go back to see our beloved Dr. Sweeney Easter weekend for the NT scan and then...we're done with the first trimester!

Friends, that is LESS than a month!!!!  Another surreality...that I'm a little less than 4 weeks from being out of the 1st trimester already!!!

Holy cow.

As for the one got it!  Not one got right beside it.  So, I just took the entries on time order and drew a random number.  The number was 11 and that was by dayzeegirrl (J!) at 7:08, March 7!  Friend, I messaged you on HP, but was having a hard time finding you on FB, so email me your address so I may send the cd!!  Congrats!

No fear.  No fear.  No fear.
Working on it.


  1. Those old wives tales ... they were never correct for me either! But that makes it kind of fun, huh? Still praying everyday and sending out oddles of hope and peace ... I love ya, lady. Maybe I should send some ice cream cake and blizzards your way ... beef you up a bit. xoxoxo

  2. I'm praying for that sweet baby growing!!!! And I love Molly Jane. :-) somehow, I imagine that third baby boy name might fall into place too.
    The No Fear business is hard!!!! I'm not quite sure how I made it through my whole pregnancy, but here I am. Having a baby girl tomorrow..And that fear is still lurking. I totally cannot imagine not having Him in my life. That's how we make it!
    I pray for you often!!!!!!

  3. I have actually wrestled fear more this pregnancy, being the second rainbow, than the last one. I'm not totally sure why, but I think I was somewhat in a bubble last time.

  4. Matthew, Mark, Luke :) I know what you mean about the second/only. My son is actually our 4th but we no longer have 1,2, and 3 so people think spoiled first when it's really a case of lenient last. So glad the ultrasound went well. Grow Molly grow!