You were so, so, so little....
There are a million things your mommy wishes for you. I wish you joy. I wish you happiness. I wish you success. I wish you LOVE. (I wish you bring home a woman JUST LIKE YOUR MAMA!)
I wish you every good and wonderful thing I could possibly wish for you.
But the most, most, most important thing I wish for you is that you know how special you are and how purposed you are and how amazing a gift you are. I want you to remember that you, this good and perfect gift, were given to us by God. I want you to grow up knowing you are ultimately HIS, and I am only the blessed one who was given the privilege of raising you. I want you to know that when life is hard, you are not alone. There is always One who will love you and hold you and cherish you, even when your entire world is falling apart.
You may not feel it very strongly in the middle of the heartache, but I want you to grow up knowing it every.single.day so that in good or bad times, you are able to turn to Jesus.
Your Great-Grandma Gosnell used to send your Mommy boxes. The boxes always had the best and strangest stuff. Ribbon candy, orange jelly slices, green Wrigley's gum and underpants that were about 8 sizes too big. Seriously. Those panties could have been state flags, they were that big.
As much as I loved getting those packages, as a grown-up Mommy, I know that the most important thing about those packages was in the letter she'd write each time. She'd usually tell me to be sure I was minding my Mommy, your Grandma Jane, and she'd ask me if I was doing anything new in school. She'd tell me how important it was to brush my teeth and comb my hair (which makes your daddy and me LAUGH because in her later years, Grandma Gosnell was known for having some wild hair, let me tell you. In fact, many mornings, when Daddy and I wake up, he'll say, "Wow...that's some crazy Grandma Gosnell hair you've got going on!"
She'd end every letter like this: "Lori darling (or honey), please ask Jesus into your heart. Please know that Jesus loves you and wants you to ask Him into your heart so you can live with Him forever. It's very important, honey. Grandma loves you, and so does Jesus."
Those letters are priceless to me because honestly, there are days that I don't even know how I made it through, except that I was just given the grace of God.
Mommy has been missing your brother a lot these days. I think I felt your baby brother or sister very lightly kick or punch me this morning, and it reminded me of the first time I felt him kick. Like popcorn popping in my tummy. This pregnancy is a LOT like Matthew's was (aren't you unique?!) and it is bringing up many things that make Mommy's heart ache. Mainly...I wish I'd gone to Georgetown and and held Matthew. I wish I had been able to be with him when his last heartbeat happened. I was with him for his first...and I am so heartbroken that his last was without me. I wonder if he knew what was going on? Was he scared? Was he wondering where that voice he'd heard for 10 months was? I wonder what it felt like when he took his last breath.
I wonder so much. This week, I heard a song that I haven't heard in a bit, but I love. It's by Chris Rice, and it says every thing I want you to know and do in your life. It's been ministering to Mommy's heart quite a bit lately.
When you are lost and wounded, I want you to turn to Jesus.
When you are beginning new things, and fall...it's ok. Fall on Jesus.
When your heart hurts so much you can't stand it, cry to Jesus. (Mommy does this a lot.)
When your heart is SO full of love and joy and happiness that it spills over, sing for Jesus. (Mommy does this every.single.day.)
And when your heartbeats for the last time, fly to Jesus. Nothing gives me greater comfort than knowing your brother's last heartbeat set him in motion to fly directly to Jesus.
I want to raise you and shape your life for the very same to happen when you take your last breath.
There is no greater wish I have for you.
(And I have a feeling, your Great-Grandma Gosnell would agree.)
I love you sweet boy. You are my sunshine and my renewed heart and my restored hope. You are precious and funny and mischievous all at the same time. (Yes, you KNOW you are not supposed to drop that food on the floor for Dixie, because you look at me and GIGGLE when you do it, you little stinker!) I am amazed by so many things you do every day and my greatest prayer is that one day, when you recognize what I am talking about, you decide that you do everything you do for the glory of God.