Monday, March 19, 2012

Days No One Remembers...

Those are the ones that hit me most.  Not because no one really remembers them...honestly, I really don't expect anyone to.  They are just super, super special to me.

But I always, always remember them.  They hit me hard.  They make me happy, but I also find myself so much more aching than I'd expect.

I expect I'll be sad on his birthday.  Really, though, I haven't been.  More wistful.

I expect I'll be sad on the day he died.

I expect I'll be a little sad on Mother's Day and Father's Day and Christmas and Easter.  Those are pretty typical markers for most people.

But in Target?  Walking up and down the aisles carrying Luke on my chest and seeing the "Pregnant" on the EPT test on aisle 11?

Buckets of tears.

(Which Luke laughs at because in the carrier, his face is SO.CLOSE to my face and he likes the way the tears feel.)

I just remember this day.  Three years ago.  I was so, so, so grateful and thrilled and IMMEDIATELY bought an EPT so I could FINALLY see the word I'd coveted for years... "PREGNANT."

We are beyond blessed with people who share their love for us and their remembrance of our precious little boy...many times on days I don't even think about. Today is not one of them. Even John didn't remember (and I am not upset about that...dates are not his forte, haha).

I remember, though.

March 19, 2009 was the day that changed my life forever.  I was given the most amazing and precious and wonderful gift and I miss him.


  1. So absolutely feel your post!!!

    Much love, hugs and kisses to heaven to sweet Matthew!

    I cherish the picture of our children together in heaven, and what the day will be like when we all get to meet and introduce each other to our families!

    Hugs and love to you my friend!

  2. Yup, always important and remembered by moms. I remember every single day I tested and exactly what I was doing. Sweet boy has been your son for 3 years! Just wish he were here :( love you

  3. That is August 28 for me....which follows August 25...the day of my biggest nightmare come true...and august 27...the day he should have turned 4 months old but was the day of his funeral. So many days that only we remember and hold such depth of meaning. Love you guys...

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  5. Love you, dear Lori. Thinking of you and all your sweet babes today and everyday, even when I don't know what special day it is for you...

    I understand...There are days people don't remember in my life, but I will ALWAYS remember. Like February 13, the day of my Valentine's Baby Shower and August 15, the day I had an abortion set up at PP and the Lord intervened in my life and changed my heart forever with the LIFE of my little girl. And October 9, the day I found out she was indeed, A GIRL! These are just a few, but I definitely get it. Those are the days that can hurt the most.

    Also, funny you mentioned Target. I shopped in Target ALL the time when I was pregnant. There is one only about a mile from my house and I loved just going in there and looking around. I even registered for my baby shower there. So, in the months after first losing Lily, it was SO bittersweet to be in there. It felt like HER store, and it will forever remind me of her. It's not as hard now as it once was, but there will be times where I'll be walking past the baby section and see all the spring clothes for little babies and I'll remember the spring when I was shopping there for my own little baby that I never got to bring home...the little baby that never got to wear any of those clothes. And the tears will come and it will feel so raw and fresh again. <3

  6. xoxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxo

  7. oh Lori -- i am just catching up and need to go further back in your blog -- I've been LOA for a bit due to illness here... anyway == I am so touched by you, your honesty, and yes, i get it... I remember the exact days of things along the path of our adoption - the losses along the way, as well as the joy days that took us to where we are now... Hugs to you...

  8. over from iclw. i get this. even when no one remembers, i do. glad i'm not the only one.

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