Chubby Cheeks and 36 Weeks!

Well....whew.

Just needed a breath!

It's been a busy week and I am so grateful! My sweet Pensacola Girls came in starting last Wednesday (missed you, Tina!) and as I suspected they would, the days just FLEW by! It was nothing to find it was 2 am and we were STILL jibber-jabbering, even with our eyes half closed! We made the last airport shuttle run last night, and the house is quiet in kind of a sad way...more for the dogs because they LOVED having some sweet little girls visit with them and treat them like they were the best things since sliced bread!

Now I am looking at the bottom of my computer screen and see a 22 on the calendar pad.

December 22.

Where has this year gone? How is it only 3 days before Christmas? I've been listening to Christmas music in the car on our drives, and with each song I sing to, I am so aware of this time last year. How "I'll Be Home For Christmas," nearly killed me...literally. I couldn't breathe listening to it...thinking about how DESPERATE I was to be Home...with Matthew. How he was there and I was here. Or the words from "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,".... "From now on, our troubles will be out of sight..."

Yeah, a year ago, there was no way that I could be sure I'd be able to get out of the bed the next morning, much less shower, get dressed and eat. Remember to breathe. Go for more than a half an hour without crying....my 'troubles' being out of sight was laughable at best.

Insult to injury at that time of year was more believable.

But here I've been....for a week of driving all over...and singing those very same songs. With a different perspective, of course, but determined to let Luke's 'first' Christmas be one where he hears his mommy sing words that she has always, always loved. Some songs still make me tear up, and I've not been brave enough to go back to my words from these days a year ago. There is obviously no doubt that we've known unimaginable sorrow this year but we've also known unimaginable blessings. "J" wrote something that SO warmed my heart...there's no way that Luke could ever fill the hole in my heart left by Matthew, but he has opened up parts I never knew could exist...and surely didn't think would exist after losing Matthew.

I don't know of a word that could more aptly define that statement than simply, "True." We are just nearly ecstatic some moments when Luke does something funny to us--like go nuts over food and especially candy and sugary stuff (which Dr. Polko told me to watch these days, darnit!). When he yawns or swallows on the ultrasounds...when he kicks around so much they can't get the fetal monitor to stay and get his heartbeat appropriately. When he smiles...

We are so blessed with and grateful for this sweet little boy.

He is doing fabulously. I'm measuring big still, which just makes me laugh. He is now in the 75th%tile and I have told everyone (and a few doctors agree!) that I don't know that I'd have made it to 40 weeks on my own anyway--he is definitely lower, my hips are DEFINITELY aware of it, he's bigger...there's just no place on my tummy that you can feel where there is NOT Luke pushing as hard as he can to fill that space! He's weighing in at 6 lbs., 9 oz., which is more than Matthew was at birth. Even if this is an overmeasurement, with the standard measure of error, he's probably at least about 6 lbs. He has chubby, chubby cheeks!!!! He has obviously enjoyed the cuisine of Hotel Mommy! Dr. Polko and I discussed the options for if he should decide to come a bit earlier than even the 38 weeks we planned, and came to the consensus that we had several, but should not necessarily plan on being too far from St. Mary's at the least and Annapolis at best. I think we'll make it to 38, but maybe just barely.

I'm gaining more steadily, about 25-26 pounds now and some light/moderate swelling is beginning. I think a lot of it has been me being so busy lately, not to mention it's just that time of a pregnancy when it should start if it will. It's not too bad at all and I plan to spend the next 11 days and 14 hours until his birthday just sort of taking it easy.

Still scheduled for 1:00 on January 4. Did I mention that's just a little over 11 days?

Don't know if I will get a chance to write before Christmas...we are looking at a possible Nor'easter this weekend and that could put a crimp in our travel plans because John doesn't want to be too far from home for too long either, and that includes taking the chance of being snowed in. We'll see.

In any event, for any who read, and for all who comment and take the time to give me a sweet word of encouragement or email or amazing little gift in the mail for me or for Luke or for Matthew....I just can't say thank you enough. I mean that literally. I am so behind in thank-you notes and acknowledgements and it's mostly due to the fact that we are just SO ABUNDANTLY blessed with the generosity of such precious hearts.

How appropriate to remember the generosity of a precious heart at this time of year...specifically the heart that so loved the world that He gave His only Son...so one day I'll see my first-born again.

Grateful.

Definitely still Mommy's lips and chin...look at those cheeks!

I LOVE this little pout!!!!

Me at 36 weeks..starting to fill out a bit more....

Dixie can't understand why a camera is pulled out and she is not asked to pose....

Pensacola Girls (minus Tina!)

Here's what's going on with Luke this week:

Week Thirty Six: Baby may drop into the birth canal

You are 36 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 34 weeks) The baby is about 19 inches (48 cm) long. Weight is around 6 pounds (2.7 kg). The baby's body is becoming chubby as fat layers build. Between now and birth they may gain about an ounce (30g) a day You may feel contractions of the womb, called Braxton Hicks contractions. While it says that your baby weighs six and a half pounds this week and measures 19 inches long, this is only an estimate. In general, babies are gaining half a pound (225 grams) per week now. Baby continues gaining weight as fat deposits and is forming creases in the neck and wrists. You may feel contractions of the womb, called Braxton Hicks contractions, which can be used to perform and practice breathing exercises. You may be visiting your caregiver weekly up until the birth. Regular internal exams may begin, to see if your cervix has softened, thinned, dilated or if your baby's head is dropping into the pelvis. Any of these could be signs of impending labor but there are no guarantees and you could be waiting for weeks yet. Your baby is almost ready, a pair of kidneys and the liver has begun processing some waste products, the only organ still to mature is the lungs. This week your baby may drop into the birth canal, this is called 'lightening' or 'dropping'. If this is not your first baby, this 'lightening' may not occur until right before labor. Your care provider may refer to it by saying that your baby is now 'engaged'. The majority of babies are now in the birth position, either head down (vertex) or butt down (breech), most will maintain this position until birth. Any movements that they make are more likely to be rolls from side to side.You may notice when this happens because it will suddenly become much easier for you to breathe. While breathing becomes easier, walking may be the exact opposite. If your baby has dropped you may find yourself visiting the bathroom much more often as baby is resting right on top of your bladder again. Keep talking - by now he or she can recognize you voice, and may respond to any loud noises with a swift kick out. The average twin birth occurs between 36 and 37 weeks and the babies weigh an average of 5 pounds apiece. A baby's average size is now 18.5 inches (47 cm) and 6 pounds (2700 g).

Somebody Has A Birthday Planned!

January 4, 2011.

That date is tentatively scheduled to be Luke's birthday.

Surreal.

Yesterday's appointment was fabulous. We brought Snickerdoodles and chocolate covered pretzels (it's that time of year!) and I think they were a big hit. I asked John on Saturday what he thought we should bring and he said, "I think Dr. Sweeney would appreciate some Snickerdoodles."

I should mention that John's favorite cookie is a Snickerdoodle, but he assures me there was no ulterior motive.

Sure.

Anyway, Luke was doing fabulously. He was moving around tons and tons...which is certainly not new! He was also VERY head down (no surprise to me, my hips or my bladder!) and facing my back, so there were not any good facial pictures. Sounds like he's all set for delivery, doesn't it? Well...in about 27 days, he'll have his time! Dr. Sweeney said that Dr. Morris (the doctor who is going to do the surgery, and the head of Labor and Delivery at AAMC) was on vacation my 38th week. Of course he is...that's the way things go for me.

Usually.

Dr. Sweeney then said that even though he was on vacation that week, Dr. Morris said he'd come in any day we'd like to deliver. Seriously? The man is on vacation the week after New Year's and he's coming in to deliver for a woman he barely knows. Well, I guess it's more for Dr. Sweeney, which should say spades about what a rock star Dr. Sweeney is! In any event, we've been having our ultrasounds on Mondays, and I'll be 38 weeks on the 3rd of January. The plan is to go in on the 3rd in the afternoon for our ultrasound, stay the night in Annapolis (and pray that the Hokies win the Orange Bowl!!) and then head in for surgery at 7:30 the next morning.

So that Tuesday will be his birthday.

I am still having a hard time believing we will be bringing him home. We only had a few things left that I wanted to pick up for Luke but I wanted to wait until there were fewer than 30 days in case anything had to be returned. I know that sounds really sort of morbid on some level, but it's just the way I'm feeling. We bought the video monitor and I'll order the rest of his cloth diaper stash and other than that...that boy is SET!

He has lots of hair still...and was hard to measure because he was tucked and crossed and basically smooshed. Haley got about 5 pounds, but I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't a bit over that because he was only half a pound away from that two weeks ago. The best part was how huge his feet are! Haley said he was going to be born wearing a 9.5 shoe size! He obviously takes after his daddy and is like his big brother! I love that!

His kidney is still enlarged, but Dr. Sweeney is not too concerned. He said that he'll probably order an ultrasound there at the hospital after Luke is born to see if it is anything more than reflux. I'm not worried at all. Matthew only had one for most of my pregnancy, and then was found to have a pelvic kidney right before he was born. I have learned that one working and functional kidney is just fine, and for that I am grateful!

Still only gained about 20-21 pounds, but not sure how because I am hungry ALL. THE. TIME! This boy likes his food and my appetite has definitely picked up even more! John thinks it's hilarious! I have no swelling and no stretch marks, and every time Dr. Shonekan tells me, "Remember...you do pregnancy well," I have to say that I somewhat agree based on the way things are going.

If only I did bringing the baby home well...

Here are some pictures from this week:

33w6d...it's starting to get cold!!!!!

Hair and his little ear...

Check that foot out!!!!! Holy cow!!!!

Here's how Luke is developing this week:

Week Thirty Four: Rapid growth continues

You are 34 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 32 weeks) Your baby now is approximately 18 inches long and weighs about 5.25 pounds. Baby is now 46cm crown to heel and the weight is 2400 grams. Your child has now an excellent chance of survival outside the womb. Fat accumulations plumps up the arms and legs this week. Eyes opened when awake and closed when sleeping. The fingernails are now completely formed. Even babies born earlier than this could survive outside the womb with hospital support although the risk of complications would be high. Your baby may have already turned to a head down position in preparation for birth. The skull bones are still pretty flexible and not completely joined to help to ease exit out of the narrow birth canal. Fat accumulations plumps up the arms and legs this week. The baby's skin is also becoming less wrinkled. Braxton Hicks contractions may be getting more numerous and stronger. Thanks to antibodies crossing the placenta the baby is developing immunities to mild infections.

Moving Forward, Minivans and Months....

...rather the lack thereof in the months department. We are probably looking at January 4-6 for Luke's birthday and friends...that's 34 days or so from now. I don't have to go through the whole figuring out/conversion of weeks-to-months in gestational terms for people when they ask when I am due. Now, I just can say, "Next Month." Hard to believe. REALLY hard to believe.

And that's where moving forward ties in...whether we like it or not, it happens. I guess more so, whether we are READY or not, it happens. Some days, I feel like I'm doing pretty well, all things considered, and even give myself a tiny pat on the back for how 'healthy' my 'grieving process' has been. Of course, this is usually following a counseling session where I've been told this and somehow, hearing it from someone else makes it more believable, right?

Other days...and I guess if I am honest, I'd even say most days to some degree...I just feel like I'm going through motions to keep my head above water. Don't get me wrong, I think that honestly, this is pretty much the only way to function sometimes--just continue to push yourself through the motions of things and the authenticity eventually will come (or you'll realize that it is not something of which you want to experience the authenticity and you just stop!)...call it 'fake it 'til you make it' or what you will, but I call it survival.

And really, isn't that what most of us do most days anyway? Whether it's because we've lost a job or a friend hurts our feelings or we are frustrated by the insurance company or we try and contemplate a lifetime without a loved one...we just do what we can do to best survive the day.

What an added blessing so many days are when I realize that I've not just survived, I've had such grace extended that I am able to enjoy and immerse myself in that authenticity that I prayed would come.

But it all starts with the going through of the motions...and those motions have to have the goal of moving forward. I'm on board, I guess.

John, in his efforts to do the same, does things differently. Of course...John has a way of needing what we'd call 'retail therapy' when his heart hurts. I'm not talking about a new book or sweater or fish for his tank. I'm talking about outrageously expensive bedroom furniture or basement renovation or a new car.

Yes, a new car. We bought a minivan yesterday. Last May, on the 31st to be exact, we bought a new Honda CRV. My beloved Accord had been totaled and that just broke my heart. But....we had two dogs and a baby on the way, so it was time to upsize a bit anyway. And Wally was bought. I really loved that car. We got a great deal on it and more, it just was proof that we were going to need more space because we had a real, live baby on the way!!!! FINALLY...after over 10 years....I would *need* a little SUV!

Driving a few weeks ago to mom's house, with two dogs and stuff for ONE night....John and I realized that when Luke came, we might be a tad bit cramped. The quest for the minivan was on. Of course, all those responsibilities were mine--(in defense of John, the responsibility of paying for it is his, so I think I got the good end of the deal!) and actually that's a good thing because when John and I play good cop/bad cop, I am SOOOOO the bad cop. And I'm pretty good at it too. I have NO problem saying, rather firmly I might add, "Well. That's a deal breaker. Let's go, John."

Which is met with John's pleading eyes..."But I LIKE it!" (Pensacola girls, can't you just HEAR him?)

Luckily for John, we got not only the deal I was looking for, but a bit better and the exact color we wanted, so Homer became part of our family. Yes, Homer. Named by John. For Homer's epic Odyssey.

Because it's a 2011 Odyssey:

We traded the CRV in and let me tell you, I cried. A LOT. Wally was the car we bought for Matthew. John didn't officially know it was for Matthew yet, but I did. I drove that car around and turned the music up and sang and sang to him. He responded heartily with kick after kick after kick. Like his Great-grandma, Grandma and mommy, that boy LOVED his music. We drove to appointments and baby registering and baby showers and baby birthing classes and baby feeding classes in that car. That was Matthew's car.

And as is happening so much more and more these days....one more thing that was Matthew's has disappeared.

It's like a knife over and over. I know it's dumb, because it's just a car...but it was HIS car. The new car is Luke's and I'm so thrilled to have it...but there are so few things that were Matthew's. Ours. They just keep dropping off and my heart hurts.

One of my most vivid memories--a narrative that just keeps playing over and over in my head--is getting into that car the morning we left the hospital. The car seat was there and huge and obviously, empty. Bad enough we were driving home without our son...but with the empty car seat as a cruel reminder. There may be pictures and memories I'll forget...but I doubt that will be one of them.

Anyway...

Luke has tons of hair! He looked fabulous yesterday and Katie, the sono tech said, "Wow...that's a lotta hair!" Matthew had a lot of hair also, but his was fine and long. Bless his little heart, John and I daresay even mullet-like. John said that he wonders if Luke will come out looking like a mon-chi-chi. I would love that--I think babies with all that fluffy hair are freaking adorable! We got the famous, "Lori, this kid looks like a million," from Dr. Sweeney and discussed dates for the surgery. He's going to see what day during the week of the 3rd works best for Dr. Morris at the hospital, and let us know next Monday. I asked about how often he'd like to see us that last week or two and bless his heart, again, he said, "As much as you need to so you don't worry!"

Again...so grateful that he gets how much I'm worried. I knew it would be like this, and for that reason, I am at least a bit prepared and can try and keep things under control...but the closer we get, the less and less I actually believe we will be dressing a little boy in the things I am washing and folding.

The more and more I fear I'll have another nursery that will be unused.

A bigger car with no need.

Another grave to visit.

It didn't really seem very real with Matthew...and I had NO reason to worry. I'm having a hard time believing this time will be different. I know that 6.3 in 1000 infants die in the US. I know that in Maryland, 8 in 1000 die. I know those are very, very low odds.

I've said it before though...when you are one of those very, very low numbers...the odds could be 1 in 1,000,000 and you can't completely rule out that you won't be that one. And just because you've already been that one, you don't feel like you've hit your quota or anything. It could just as easily be you...again.

As we get closer...I just continue to pray that this time, it won't be.

Here's a picture of Luke's hair floating around in the amniotic fluid!

I made it over 120 this week, but just barely, and now I'm back to about 118. Of course, for the past day or so, I've also had a touch of the stomach bug that's been going around, I think, so it's still probably about a net gain of 18ish pounds, but he's doing just fine, and growing beautifully, so I'm not worried about my weight. It's fine. STILL NO SWELLING!!! HOORAY!

32w5d...beautiful weather for Thanksgiving but WINDY!

Here's a bit of what he's up to this week:

Week Thirty Three: Lanugo is disappearing

You are 33 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 31 weeks) The baby inside you is now about 4.4 pounds (2 kg) and around 17.5 inches (44cm) in length. The diameter of the head is about 8.5cm. The baby fuzz, lanugo, is disappearing. Your baby drinks about a pint of amniotic fluid a day. You may gain a pound a week (500g) for the rest of your pregnancy. Half of your weight gain will go directly to your baby. The baby is using it's lungs to practice breathing by inhaling amniotic fluid. Your baby is drinking about a pint of amniotic fluid a day now and urinating the same amount. The early baby fuzz, lanugo, is disappearing now and being replaced by actual hair. The nails of your baby are now long enough to reach to the tip of the fingers or beyond and may need trimming as soon as they are born. They may scratch their face even before birth. You may gain a pound a week for the rest of your pregnancy. Do not stop eating or start skipping meals as your weight increases. Both you and your baby need the calories and nutrition you receive from a healthy diet. Calcium intake is extremely important during pregnancy because the baby will draw calcium from the mother to make and harden bone. This can greatly weaken her own bones and teeth because the developing fetus will take minerals from the mother's skeletal structure as and when needed.

Special Blessings....

So, yes, I cringe when I think back to some statements made when I was pregnant with Matthew...

"Why on earth does he want pictures of my ginormous stomach?"

"Who wants to see me? It's all about the baby and lots of that'll come AFTER he's born!"

"Not sure how I'll feel about a baby moving all around inside of me...kind of alien-like, if you ask me."

Oh boy, isn't hindsight 20-20?

Of course, I said I didn't know how I'd feel about the baby moving BEFORE I actually felt the miracle of a teeny little hand or foot jabbing mommy to let me know he was safe and sound. There are truly few things I love less than the feeling of baby movement. Thank goodness Luke moves a ton as well...I'd worry if after Matthew the Monkey, Luke was more docile. Well, I'd worry more.

So, as for pictures...I've always been a picture person--I'm always the one with the camera, telling everyone to get together for a picture to remember the moment. I've said that pictures are priceless to me...so I don't really know why I wasn't into more pictures of us while I was pregnant with Matthew.

I guess it's just because I felt I had a lifetime of photo opportunities.

Well. I've not made that mistake with Luke. We take and have tons of pictures. Of me, of my stomach, of us, of Luke via ultrasound...These are days we will not forget if for only because of the sheer documentation.

And we were blessed a few weeks ago to meet up with a sorority sister (Tri Delta, I think someone asked me that and I never answered...) for some maternity pictures.

Not just a sorority sister. An amazingly talented and adorable sorority sister with the sweetest heart. Talented enough to make us look like we don't do too bad of a job of cleaning up!

Talented enough to make us laugh and laugh and laugh all afternoon. Just amazing.

If you are in the Charlottesville area, I promise you, you will not find anyone more precious to take pictures and give you memories that you will hold dear and priceless for the rest of your life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Krissy!!!! You are such a blessing to us!

www.pringleblog.com

The Third Trimester Is Here!

I have no doctor's appointment until Thursday, and even then, it will be just checking to make sure I have no infection, my stomach is growing, Luke's heartbeat is strong, and to bring my OB's office some goodies. Luke is moving a great deal still and definitely growing as I feel him going further and further on my sides, so I think all will be well Thursday. We'll see Dr. Sweeney a week from now and then from that point on, every week until we get even closer. Which is not too far--10 more from today. Very, very hard to believe.

Google Reader HATES me. It told me it was going to drop me because it was getting tired of keeping track of the posts I need to read. Last night, when we got home, the count was 492. I am trying, trying, TRYING to keep up with blogs, but I don't like just doing the cursory reading and moving on...I get a lot of support out of comments, so I try to give it. Therefore, I don't read posts when I don't have the time to comment as I might like, and I've just been overwhelmed with so many other things I have to do. Or want to do...like make baby hats for our my hospital and Georgetown for Matthew's birthday. A sweet friend taught me how (who knew?) and now I'm a baby hat fool! Of course, it's just on a loom, so there's not TOO much diversity, but I have to say that even I am impressed with myself and my ability to make something that actually could be used.

In any event, I am so, so, so far behind in blogs. I think I am just going to have to schedule a day this week and just catch-up. Trying to catch up on a couple a day is still not working because there are so many and I just want to read them all. Thank goodness for Facebook--it at least helps me a good bit--so, if you are a blogger AND on FB, please let me know so I can somewhat keep up!

I'm still about 38 inches around, and 113 pounds. That's 13 pounds and I'm fine with that...think the doctors wouldn't mind seeing a few more on me, but if you actually see me in real life, you can see it's pretty much all baby. And baby food, if you know what I mean! I'm about 7 pounds less now than at this time with Matthew, but I attribute that to the fact that so far, still no swelling. Hooray. I'm trying very hard to keep that down! Luke seems to love the right side of my body (so did Matthew!) and I can feel body parts moving further and further around my side each day. This is something I really remember vividly with Matthew--I of course had no idea of how long he actually was, but I could certainly tell he was getting bigger because body parts seemed to just wrap from my belly button (which is still half-in/half-out!) all the way to the middle of my back more and more each day. Luke is following suit.

My back isn't hurting quite as much as it did with Matthew, but the round ligament pain on the right side, coupled with my scar pain on the right side are REALLY hurting. What's worse is the sacroiliac pain in the right side of my hip. I hobble like I am about 100 years old and hope that the chiropractor and acupuncture this week help some. Like my chiro says, it's all damage control because I just fall out of adjustment the minute I walk out the door, but it helps for a few days, so I'll take it. I had a lot of Braxton Hicks on Saturday (it was a busy day!) and think I really just need to monitor how much I attempt to do. I WANT to do tons, and actually have the energy to do so...but the body is not cooperating as much so I have to just stop myself from trying. I think I'm starting to worry John some because he sees me hobble or wince (or even cry) and tells me to sit down/stop doing whatever I'm doing/take it easy/etc....

He's usually NOT like that!

I'm getting up in the mornings with John (my effort to get more done with the day, but unfortunately I just tell myself that I have a little more time, so I can catch up more on the computer. Oh, the things we trick ourselves into believing....) so I'm falling asleep fairly easily at night by 11 at the latest. I wake up, however, about every hour and a half turning from one side to the other, and each time, Luke bounces around to see what's going on. He still likes the 3:00-4:00 am time period and I stay awake the most during that. It will be funny to see if he sticks with that. Well, maybe not funny, but interesting!

I tried a hamburger on Friday night. I was a hamburger-a-holic with Matthew. I have not wanted to LOOK at one since April. But John wanted to try the new Red Robin here, so we went. I asked for well-done, got raw, and basically don't want hamburgers anymore/still. They were very nice about it all, but it just killed an already weakened desire for a hamburger. Different pregnancies are SO VERY DIFFERENT. Everyone says it, and it's true.

We had a great day yesterday! A sweet friend and sorority sister is an amazing photographer in Charlottesville and was doing some shoots in NOVA. We went out to Meadowlake Gardens (beautiful) and couldn't have ordered a better weather day for pictures. John and I are SO NOT the "Look at each other lovingly" couple but that turned out to be just fine because in our attempts to do so, we laughed and laughed. Laughing has always been one of my favorite things, and it's so nice to be able to do so. I miss laughing without feeling guilty and yesterday was a day that I had lots of that--a day to remember our blessings and enjoy the sweetness of Luke. To feel guilty about that is just not fair to Luke and certainly not disrespectful of Matthew.

If honest, though, those are not easy words to say or type.

No pictures today, but I have two from the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Walk we went to on Friday. It was really a sweet, sweet event and for it being the first one in our area, was a good turnout. Which is sad, isn't it? There was a reading of the names of babies lost and remembered, and I didn't know that we'd be asked to go up to get flowers when our baby's name was called. I was doing ok for the most part, but when Sherrye said, "John Matthew Ennis," I just lost it. Sort of like I am now in remembering. I just did NOT WANT TO BE TAKING THAT WALK.

I know I wasn't alone.

Before we began the walk, we had a beautiful balloon release and they played a song that made both John and me cry. John and I have been 'together' since May of 1993. That's over 17 years! One of the sweet and endearing things from our early dating days was John either singing or leaving me the words to "You Are My Sunshine." Throughout the years, that's been a special little song between us. When we were adopting, the day I sent our dossier off, I bought a little sunshine crib toy. The toy has a pull-down that plays "You Are My Sunshine," and I couldn't wait for our little Emma to hear that every morning.

When that fell through, it went with all the baby things waiting....and when learned of our Matthew, I decided that HE would hear that song every morning....any and every child we held in our hearts was like sunshine to us.

It still is attached to his crib. I just pray every single day that his brother will get to hear it.

The song that they played as the balloons were released was "You Are My Sunshine."

I can't describe my heart.

I brought the camera, but really couldn't take pictures--John took a couple as we walked. It was two miles, but I only did about one because I didn't want to push it. Here are two he took...they aren't great belly shots, but they are with Luke at 27w4d:

You can tell my photography class is teaching me something because I am totally aware of the difference the lighting makes in each picture--the tones (again, who knew I could use that word with photography??) are very different and it's obvious one is facing sun and one is not!

Here's what's new with Luke this week:

Week Twenty Eight: May recognize your voice

You are 28 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 26 weeks) The fetus has its own regular intervals for sleeping and being awake. The weight has increased to 1000 grams and is 37.5cm in length. 2.2 pounds weight and is 14.8 inches in length from head to heel. The feet are just over 2 inches (5.5cm) long. The hair on the head is now clearly visible. The milk teeth have developed under the gums. The eyes are starting to move in their sockets. Brain waves show rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, which means your baby may be dreaming. Eyelids are opening. Eye color may change within the first six months of life especially if your baby's eyes are blue or gray-blue at birth. Remember to talk to your baby often; reading stories, singing songs has been seen to slow the baby's heart rate. He or she can recognize your voice now and will often calm to it later after birth. Your uterus will be about 3 inches (7cm) above your bellybutton. During this time of your pregnancy, your belly will grow about half an inch (1cm) each week. If you have been following a nutritious, balanced meal plan, your total weight gain is probably between 17 and 24 pounds (7.5 and 10.5 Kg). Branches of lungs are quite developed now, so there is a good chance that baby would survive if born prematurely now. If your baby is born this week, the chances of survival is now at least 90 percent. However, some complications are still possible.

Going...going....

....GONE!

That's what happened to last week! I don't know how, but it flew by. I'm grateful, too, because it was a hard one.

We hit 26 weeks yesterday. Luke is moving around so much. My journal said the other night that between 24-28 weeks, he'd seem the most active. Yep. And he's strong. I may have already said it, but Matthew moved all day long, just not as strongly. Luke doesn't move all day long (but often!!!!) and he's strong. His movements are more pronounced and seemingly purposed. Very different but still reminiscent.

We have less than 12 weeks. We're going to have pictures done in about a week and a half. Two weeks after that is the Marine Corps Ball. Two weeks after that is Luke's party. The following week brings family and Thanksgiving and Matthew's birthday. Two and a half weeks after that, Pensacola Girls start filing in for a wonderful visit. The week after that is Christmas. The week after that is New Year's Eve and then a few days later, we'll be delivering Luke.

Makes my head spin. And Luke flip.

All in all, we're doing well. Luke still loves his food and insists I eat a ton, but I have not gained and actually gone back a pound. I'm about 110ish for the most part, but have been dipping into 109/108 all week. Nowhere NEAR the swelling that I had with Matthew...in fact, no swelling, really, except my face is filling out a hair more. Waist holds at 37-38 inches, depending on Luke's positioning and the belly button is more out but still only half-way out. I'm sure it's going to be all the way soon.

Sleep is inconsistent...some nights are better than others, but I'll take any I can get. The worst right now is my hip pain. Sacroiliac to be specific. It's not sciatica, and I pretty much figured that because I don't have any symptoms. It's SI and it stinks because my hips are so stiff and sore, I can barely walk some days!!! My chiropractor and I were talking about the damage control he does, and I wish there was some way to let my hips know there's no need to spread since we are doing a c-section. Alas...not the case. I think it's funny that something called relaxin may make some things relax but it does NOT relax any pain! The cramping from last week was definitely round ligament, and the problem with taking it easy to lessen that is that it makes my hips stiff and hurt more. So, I do what I can, when I can and that's just as good as it is going to be.

We will more than likely be moving back to North Carolina in June. It's about 99% set. I'm excited because there are so many people I still love and miss there....and I've always loved NC. It's just going to be a lot of organizing, a lot of work, a lot of people here in Maryland that will be very missed. (Not to mention, how will I 'do' Maryland from NC?)

Mostly, I'll miss being close to my sweet boy's resting place. And his home. And his room. And everything that pretty much comprised his whole existence.

But I really think God's been trying to prepare me for something and I've prayed, prayed, prayed it was not anything to do with Luke. So, if this is it--well, I'll take it.

No pictures this week of Luke; that's next Monday. Tomorrow is our glucose test but being hypoglycemic, I'm not worried. Here's a picture of us at 26 weeks. The weather is just, just, just beautiful!

This is in front of Matthew's Camellia from his Kyrgyzstan friends. It's getting ready to bloom shortly and has recovered fairly nicely from the deer finding it yummy all summer.

Only 13 Weeks Left...Really?

Someone's FB (okay, not just any someone... the amazing, wonderful and fabulous gal that makes my hair anywhere near presentable) status today reminded me that there are 12 weeks left until Christmas.

Holy Cow.

As we hit 25 weeks yesterday, we have 13 weeks left until Luke is scheduled to make his arrival.

Again, I say, Holy Cow.

Believe it or not, I have already been working on getting Christmas shopping done...not quite as much on the getting-things-done-before-Luke-comes front. Working on that. Guess I better try and work a little harder.

We saw Dr. Sweeney yesterday and Luke was doing just fabulously. He weighed in at about 1 lb., 10 oz., which put him in the 51st%tile. Dead average. He was in the 52nd%tile two weeks ago, so that seems to be the continuing trend. Near this point with Matthew, we'd dropped to about the 38th%ile (for weight---certainly not for length!) and it kept getting progressively lower in percentile drop from that point on. I remember crying to Dr. Sweeney about IUGR when Matthew was in the 10th%tile (and that scored me weekly ultrasounds just to make me feel better---which is just proof that their office has been wonderful since Matthew died, but Dr. Sweeney was really wonderful throughout Matthew's pregnancy just because he's that kind of doctor).

Anyway.

Luke's doing great. He has HUGE feet, like his brother (and it's been everything I can do not to pick up cute shoes because those are some of the things I didn't really have too many of for Matthew and would LOVE to pick up for Luke, but not until I know what kind of snowshoes that kid's gonna need!) and I love, love, love pictures of those sweet feet. As per his usual, he kept his hands up by his head for most of the picture ops, but we were able to see him do some very sweet things...he yawned SEVERAL times, had the hiccups, was practicing breathing (hooray!) and we got really deep into analyzing his heart (looks GREAT!) and brain. It was a very thorough and long ultrasound and I loved it.

He has hair!!! I don't know that Matthew had hair (that we could see) this early, so maybe that's indicative of another baby boy with a head of hair at birth! John double-checked to make sure he was still a boy (which I found hilarious because we see the proof every time...this time she made sure we got another picture for John's peace of mind!) and all in all, Luke is, "Very happy and extremely healthy!"

Just what we like to hear.

I've not gained anything--in fact for a few days, was a few pounds lighter. The scale said 110.4 last night, that's what I'll go with. I pretty much weigh at the same time in the morning and the same time at night for my book, but really just use the weights at the doctor every two weeks for 'official' purposes. Ha ha. I *have* gained in the waist, though--37 inches. He's DEFINITELY filling out more and is no longer transverse but head down. Of course, he is a little frog, hopping all over the place, so we saw him bouncing all around on my bladder and cervix yesterday like it was a trampoline! Speaking of cervix, they were all pretty impressed with my 4.7 cervical length. Like Dr. Shonekan has always said...Fort Knox.

Last night after my photography class, I had some really, really, REALLY sore/painful cramping that I guess is more round ligament pain. It was better this morning, but then I got all energetic and did probably way more than I should have and could barely walk by this afternoon. Coupled with my hip pain, actually, and I really couldn't...so I spent a few hours in bed. It's a bit better now, but it's still really painful when walking (or ANY pressure on my stomach, really) so if it's like this tomorrow morning, I'm calling the doctor and see what they say. I'd hate to have to drive back to Annapolis tomorrow after just being there yesterday, so I may think about going to my wonderful L& D here if things don't get better but don't get too much worse. Too much worse, and I'll go to Annapolis just in case.

Luke seems to be just fine, though---moving all around, kick counts done in about 2 minutes and heartbeat good and strong. Just really, really painful and leaves me not able to do much walking. So, we'll see.

Anyway, here we are at 25 weeks:

Another rainy day...feeling like fall!

Sweet little profile!

Love, Love, LOVE my boys' feet!

There's some hair....don't ask how anyone is supposed to know that...

Pursing those little lips together after a yawn!

Here's what's going on with Luke:

Week Twenty Five: Exploration continues

You are 25 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 23 weeks) The unborn child is 34 cm in length and weighs almost 690 grams. Baby is around 13.5 inches in length and weighs 1 and half pounds. Bones are becoming solid, hands are now fully developed. The brain is growing rapidly, the brain cells are starting to mature. The sexual organs are fully developed. Baby is now pretty well built portion wise even though it still has little body fat and its skin is thin. The structures of the spine begin to form -- All 33 rings, 150 joints and 1000 ligaments. The tiny brain is growing rapidly, and the baby is starting to fill the space in your uterus. The uterus is now about the size of a soccer ball and mom looks pregnant. Your baby's hands are now fully developed, although some of the nerve connections to the hands have a long way to go. Dexterity is improving. Your baby can make a fist and clasp objects placed in palm. Exploring the structures inside your uterus may have become baby's prime entertainment. Fascinated by the amount of tactile stimulation a fetus gives itself; it touches a hand to the face, one hand to the other hand, clasps its feet, touches its foot to its leg, its hand to its umbilical cord. Twins will explore each other and begin their bonding. Blood vessels of the lungs develop. Your baby's nostrils begin to open. The nerves around the mouth and lip area are showing more sensitivity now. Their swallowing reflexes are developing. Baby can hear sounds outside the womb and the brain cells are starting to mature also. Already it can learn and remember and can recognise its mother and fathers voice. The inner ear bones have hardened so hearing is more acute. Baby may hear your partner's voice more easily than yours, as baby is sensitive to a deeper pitch. Babies born at 25 weeks of pregnancy have about a 50% chance of survival.

World Travels at 21 Weeks!

Okay...so not necessarily the world, but Luke was in international waters, traveled to a place for which his mommy and daddy needed passports stamped and enjoyed every bit of the non-stop food opportunities that accompany a cruise. In fact, he quite enjoyed eating about every hour and a half!

I didn't write much on the trip...really only the first day because we were busy enjoying ourselves. Which of course means that I have a million things in my head that I want to get out for Luke to know and will just have to probably do in stages. This was what I wrote from our first full day:

In these last few months, I *thought* I had been out and about--dealing with 'those' questions and fairly effectively, at that.

Ummm, no.

Nothing like a cruise ship full of strangers who come to be new BFFs with all their shipmates to give me some perspective.

"When are you due?"

"Is this your first?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

Peppered with the appropriate consolation looks, of course, and then depending on where you are or with whom you're speaking, awkward silence or continued conversation. Awkward silence in the elevator; continued (and kind and compassionate) conversation at breakfast or dinner.

Sometimes, it's as easy as, "You look really nice pregnant. Some people these days look so..." and the words are mumbled by the little old ladies making the statement but not wanting to essentially say they think there are some pregnant ladies wearing things they find inappropriate.

Or, my reply of, "No, he's our second," followed by, "Oh, how wonderful! Congratulations!"

Others--more difficult. "No, he's our second," followed by, "Oh, how wonderful! How old's your first?" or "Oh, but look at you now...you look great and you'll have a healthy baby this time." (One of these days, I'll have the courage to say, "My son WAS healthy. Perfectly beautiful and healthy. Which makes it all the more tragic, doesn't it?" Or, when someone tells me, "Everything happens for a reason," I will be able to respond with, "So...what do you think the reason my baby died was?")

Of course, their comments are well-intentioned, but so indicative of most people's inclination to see a smile and believe all is well. I don't blame them. I'd like to look in the mirror and smile and believe I have the perfect life...great husband, family, friends, home, comforts, new baby on the way and celebrating with a lovely cruise.

But as I told John yesterday, as nice as this vacation is--and it IS NICE!--I'd rather be at home trying a new food with Matthew or trying to get a stain out of his cloth diaper.

John said, "That's a given."

So, when it's a given that your reality is not what you thought it would be, you adjust.

I'm reading Pete Wilson's Plan B: What to Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Think He Should.

Great title. Very appropriate. And, I have to say, even just starting the book, I hope at some point he notes that when it's too late for God to show up the way you think He should (like your child is dead and not coming back), it's never too late to realize He's always showing up the way He's going to show up and there are blessings in that.

It takes some time to see them (and will probably continue to take the rest of my life), but that's where people get the idea that time heals. Time doesn't heal. Time is just God's way of helping you acclimate to the way it will be, the Plan B, if you will. (My apologies to Pete Wilson if that's what he says somewhere in his book. If he does, I concur.)

************************

We really had a lovely time, and I have lots of pictures for Luke to have. I'll post them soon. For now, the update on Luke is pretty benign. We didn't see any doctors this week. This was the first week since April (save our 2ww) that I have gone without seeing a doctor for Luke. Weird. He's doing well, though, and loving his food. He wiggles a lot when I am hungry and he wiggles a lot right after I've eaten. I measured my waist before we left and I was 35 inches (so a gain of 5 inches since 8 weeks) and I weighed myself when we got home today and was 109.2! So...that's a net gain of 9.2 pounds. Not too bad for 21 weeks, and pretty funny how quickly it is adding on! I'm going to have to pull my pillow out because those places in my back that were so uncomfortable with Matthew are rearing their heads again. I'm also going to talk to Dr. Polko on Monday about my breathing and what I am calling stomach shocks. I am having a really, really difficult time getting full breaths (and it's not my asthma) and there are times when I move (not even really doing anything special) and it feels like someone is electrocuting my stomach. My guess is that it's just nerves that I am hitting the wrong way, but I never, ever, ever felt anything like that with Matthew, so I'd rather be safe than sorry. My scar is also getting bigger and puffier and tougher, so Dr. Shonekan told me to rub bio-oil in it often because there's really not much to do...for that or for the rib/ab muscle pain. Every time I see her, she always looks so sweetly at me and reminds me that getting pregnant as quickly as we did after what happened was bound to bring these things on, and we're so grateful for Luke that we of course will deal with anything, but it's nice to have your doctor feel sorry for you because she understands that though you are carrying a miraculous little blessing, it's still hard.

Sometimes I think people forget that...pregnancy is hard. It doesn't mean I am not grateful or would trade it for anything; it means that I'm human and no one enjoys being in pain, so having compassionate doctors that let you know that even though there's nothing really they can do but to tell you that you'll have to suck it up, at least they feel sorry for you in telling you that.

Here are two 21 weeks pictures:

Luke Enjoying a Fruity Drink...

...And More Food!! Hooray!

Here's the update on Luke's growth:

Week Twenty One: Nourishment evolves

You are 21 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 19 weeks) Length is now measured crown to heel. The fetus has grown to 10.5 inches (27 cm) - 12.7 ounces (360 grams). It is now gaining weight steadily, with fat being added to the body. Bone marrow has started making blood cells. Their small intestine is starting to absorb sugars. Your baby's bone marrow has started making blood cells, a job done by the liver and spleen until this point. The placenta has provided nearly all of your baby's nourishment, now your baby will begin to absorb small amounts of sugar from swallowed amniotic fluid. Based on the size of baby's head, which is about 2 inches (5cm), the date of birth can be determined to within one week. The fetus is steadily gaining fat and has grown a whitish coat of a slick, fatty substance to protect skin in amniotic fluid and to ease delivery. In girls, the vagina is formed and the ovaries already contain over six million eggs which will be reduced to about 400 by the time of puberty. For boys, the testes begin to descend from the abdomen this week. (Boys don't produce sperm until puberty). The baby can hear and recognize the mother's voice, and may respond to some types of music.

Rebel Yeller!

So last week, a sweet friend emailed me and told me that they saw something that reminded them of Luke because he was already showing what a, um, personality he has! He stays up and parties all night, eats all the junk food that he wants, whenever he wants, and is constantly ordering things for himself with Daddy's credit card. (She was alluding to one of my FB statuses where I noted that Luke had ordered himself a pizza since Daddy was flying at night and he even used Daddy's credit card to do it!)

Whereas Matthew leaped for joy every Sunday morning as traveled to church and he listened to Elvis gospel tunes on the way, I just get the feeling that his little brother is in there wondering when I'm going to start jamming to AC/DC or something along those lines.

He's quite the little Rebel Yeller, this little Luke. I love it.

We saw Dr. Sweeney for what will be the last time for another 3 weeks (I know, I know...I'm VERY spoiled in how often we go!). We go out on our cruise this Saturday (provided the hurricane situation doesn't affect things) and then when we get back, we told Dr. Sweeney it was ok for him to take a vacation, since we know how hard he works and all. So, by the time he's back, it'll be September 20 before we see Luke again. Seems like a long time, but I know it will just fly with all going on in the interim.

Luke was pretty chill yesterday. Actually, it was more that he was sleeping off the all-nighter he'd pulled the night before. He was measuring 19w6d (which is just perfect as I was 20w0d) and a respectable 11 oz. He definitely looks like he's filling out some! He was practicing some yoga, avoiding pictures, and swallowing amniotic fluid quite a bit to get those little lungs good and mature.

He's kicking more and more (mostly after meals and at night...alllll through the night!) and John was able to feel him two nights ago. I love that the kicks are getting stronger! Keep growing, little one!

I started measuring my waist at 8 weeks and wish I'd started a hair sooner. It was 30 inches then. (When I first told this to John, he said, "Are you sure? That big?" Yes, if my husband wasn't so clueless about some of the things that come out of his mouth, I'd have some BIG issues with him. Seriously. Like 30 inches is big. Not to mention I had just had a baby about 4 1/2 months before. And was PREGNANT again. Geesh.) I measured earlier a few days ago and was at 33.5 inches. I measured this morning and was the same. So, I've added 3.5 inches. I've also picked a few pounds up. The average for the last week's nights has been 104.2, but for a few nights, I was back in the 102s. For this week's progress, I'm going to go with 104, which means that I've gained a total of 4 pounds so far. I know this is going to start changing rapidly.

It already is.

Luke likes his food. He LOVES his candy. He has been on a caramel kick like you read about. Bull's Eyes can't be consumed fast enough and I think the words Sugar Babies were written for babies like him--that seems to be what that boy is made of. So, he's been rocking the caramels and sour skittles. Good energy for his nighttime parties, right?

Here are some of the most recent pics of my boy. He's quite Bad To The Bone, if I say so myself!

Mommy and Luke at 20w0d

Good grief, people...don't you know how late I was up last night?

Knees to nose...to have that flexibility again...(or ever!)

This is his Fonzie Thumbs Up! "Ehhhhh"

More?

I hear my mommy has a thing for sweet feet!!

Getting plump!

Look at those sweet cheeks!

I'm getting tired of this!!

Lights out, people. Lights out.

Here's how Luke's developing:

Week Twenty: The halfway point
Congratulations! You are halfway through your pregnancy, 20 weeks marks the midpoint. Remember, pregnancy is counted as 40 weeks from the beginning of your last period if you go full term. You are 20 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 18 weeks) Baby now weighs about 11 ounces and is roughly 7 inches long. Baby is 17cm long crown to rump, and weighs about 310 grams. The baby can hear and recognize the mother's voice. The mother will probably start feeling the first fetal movements. The toenails and fingernails are growing. The growth of hair on the rest of the body has started. The skin is getting thicker. The heart can now be heard with a stethoscope. Your baby may react to loud sounds. Baby can actually hear noises outside of the womb. Familiar voices, music, and sounds that baby becomes accustomed to during their development stages often are calming after birth. This is an important time for sensory development since nerve cells serving each of the senses; taste, smell, hearing, sight, and touch are now developing into their specialized area of the brain. Your baby now weighes about 11 ounces and at roughly 7 inches long they are filling up more and more of the womb. Though still small and fragile, the baby is growing rapidly and could possibly survive if born at this stage. Note: Babies are measured from the crown (or top) of the head to the rump (or bottom) until about 20 weeks. After that, they are measured from head to heel. This is because a baby's legs are curled up against the torso during the first half of pregnancy and very hard to measure. Weight: 10.6 ounces - 300 grams Length: (crown to rump) 6.5 inches - 16.5 cm (crown to heel) 10 inches - 25.5 cm.