The Countdown Continues...

So, we're like 7 weeks out. If that.

38 weeks will be January 3, so more than likely, we'll be scheduled for the 4th or 5th of January.

Which is NOT. THAT. FAR.

I've had a million things going on in my head...so many that I can't even get them out and that just adds to my t0-do list. I constantly walk around with a list (which I am forever losing, thus forcing the need to make a new list and endure the anxiety of trying to remember what was on the original list...oy!) of things and while I am grateful for the things on the list because they keep me busy, busy, busy-----I'm tired! Not physically; I actually have quite a bit of energy...just mentally.

So I just have been trying to lay low lately. I've had several people tell me that they worry when I don't write or update FB for a few days. I'm so blessed to have people even pay that much attention to me, much less know that may mean that I've got stuff going on internally, so to speak. I guess they are sort of right--not so much in the need to worry, but that it typically means I am processing *stuff* and just needing the time/space/energy to do that.

There's a lot to process these days. Heather wrote about how she has a million posts she'd like to write but then they end up internalized and I SO get that!!! And those 'internal' posts just add to the jumble that's already there!

Luke's appointment Monday was great. No measurements since we just did that last week, but he's doing lovely. He was moving all over the place (and I PURPOSELY ate/drank NOTHING with sugar to keep him more calm. Nope. Nothing doing!) and as usual, Dr. Sweeney did a fabulous job of getting some side profile shots of him. He's got some sweet chubby cheeks like his brother, and huge feet and long legs...again, like his brother. If nothing else, apparently, John and I are consistent. His little lips and pout are his mommy's, along with that chin, and I'm even starting to see some of his Granddad's eyebrow shape like I saw with Matthew. I am so grateful for all these pictures...

I'm also grateful for the care we get from that office. It's like we're rockstars or something! They ask us what we think about the new decorations, feel comfortable enough to make baking requests (FINALLY!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!!! Black-velvet cupcakes were recently requested--and with my homemade icing, not the cream cheese! I couldn't make the cream cheese icing last time because I couldn't tolerate the smell, so I made my own and they LIKED it enough to ask for it again!!!!) and just generally treat us like we are old friends. Dr. Sweeney sent us over to L&D to see 'his buddy' (as he casually says!) who just so happens to be the head of L & D and as Dr. Morris was giving us a tour ALL OVER the place, people were looking at us like we must be very, very important for HIM to be doing that with us! He even took me back to the operating area (though he said he was sneaking us back there because we really weren't supposed to be there!) because "he didn't want anything to scare me or surprise me."

SERIOUSLY???? We are so blessed.

It was emotional, I admit, for both John and me...even though the WHOLE place is different, obviously...it was just so, so emotional. John said the NICU was so very different from Georgetown's...and though Georgetown was wonderful, it was very clinical compared to the warmth and colors of AAMC. I reminded him that private hospitals have different money sources than schools! He knows that, but I just got the impression from John that if it wasn't for the amazing compassion of the Georgetown doctors and nurses who worked with Matthew, he would have even more of a cold and hardened memory.

So, we are all ok. I've been freaking out about the hiccups lately--Luke seems to have them often, and though Dr. Polko said that was a good thing, I also know that sometimes, fetal hiccups can be indicative of distress...especially cord distress...so I feel better when they are gone and he's back to the wiggly little acrobat he usually is!

The closer we get...the more worried I am. The more real it is, the more disappointment I feel I am getting closer to.

Every time I visit Matthew's grave...I just don't believe it will be any different.

My heart breaks. Missing Matthew and sadly, missing Luke.

I know that statement may not make sense, and is probably eliciting lots of, "She needs to think positive...she shouldn't feel like that...that's not healthy....yada yada yada."

All I have to say is that I doubt that would come from anyone who's lost a child. To us, it makes perfect sense.

There was NO, NO, NO reason to think that there would be ANY complications with Matthew...so being in the same boat with Luke is not really any comfort to me. And that's just reality.

I just keep begging God for His mercy and remembering, "This one, she will keep."

Soooo....those feelings and many others are why I have just preferred to internalize. Less judgement. Well-meaning, I know...but judgement nonetheless.

Luke's shower is this Saturday and I'm very, very excited! I'm attaching his sweet little invite and again hope that anyone who is nearby and sees it and would like to come, does. I can't say enough how grateful for the support we've received we are.

Luke, Mommy loves you...I love you, love you, love you and can't wait for the next 7 weeks!

Look at those SWEET cheeks!

Those lips and pout are SO mine!

More pouting and sweet cheeks...always with a little hand to his face!

That elbow is CONSTANTLY jabbing me! I love it!

Here's Luke's update for this week:

I'm still about 17 pounds or so of weight gain...NO SWELLING, Hallelujah!!!! I was about 10 pounds heavier with Matthew, but a lot of that was fluid. I could stand to gain a bit more, but Luke's actually a hair heavier than average, so he's doing just fine! As I said, I actually have a good deal of energy, though it's spent by about 3 in the afternoon! Of course, not sleeping much and getting up at 6:15 every day with John adds to that! Luke loves hearing the sunshine toy and he likes daddy's voice when he reads too!

Exercise? No. Hips and back just can't take it. I'm very active, though, and not overweight...nor need to worry about rough laboring, so, I'm ok with no exercise right now! (Or any day, really!)

Week Thirty One: Baby detects light

You are 31 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 29 weeks) Baby weighs 3.5 pounds and measures 16.5 inches from the head to heel. Baby's weight is about 1.6 kg and length around 42cm. The eyes have now completely opened and are responding to light and darkness. A loud noise near you may cause your little one to jump. Your baby continues to grow. Baby's lungs and digestive tract are very near to being mature. Now that almost all of the major organs are functioning, growth will focus on maturing those organs and growing muscle mass and fat stores. Baby's weight gain will exceed its growth in length from now on. He or she should more than double their weight again between now and birth. It weighs about 3.5 pounds (1.6kg), and crown to rump length is 11 inches (28cm). Its total length is 16.5 inches (42cm). A loud noise near you may cause your little one to jump. Baby may move to the rhythm of music. Studies with heart rates show that they may also prefer some types of music to others at this stage. The eyes can now completely open and the irises are now responsive to light, dilating and contracting as needed. You will probably find that though you have been feeling pretty energetic throughout your second trimester, you are beginning to slow down now. Pay attention to your body's signals and rest when you need to. Exercise is still an important activity for you, even though it gets harder as you get larger and heavier. Try swimming, stretching and walking all excellent options for pregnant women. Your total pregnancy weight gain by this time should be between 21 and 28 pounds (9.5 and 12.5kg).