Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Countdown Continues...

So, we're like 7 weeks out. If that.

38 weeks will be January 3, so more than likely, we'll be scheduled for the 4th or 5th of January.

Which is NOT. THAT. FAR.

I've had a million things going on in my many that I can't even get them out and that just adds to my t0-do list. I constantly walk around with a list (which I am forever losing, thus forcing the need to make a new list and endure the anxiety of trying to remember what was on the original list...oy!) of things and while I am grateful for the things on the list because they keep me busy, busy, busy-----I'm tired! Not physically; I actually have quite a bit of energy...just mentally.

So I just have been trying to lay low lately. I've had several people tell me that they worry when I don't write or update FB for a few days. I'm so blessed to have people even pay that much attention to me, much less know that may mean that I've got stuff going on internally, so to speak. I guess they are sort of right--not so much in the need to worry, but that it typically means I am processing *stuff* and just needing the time/space/energy to do that.

There's a lot to process these days. Heather wrote about how she has a million posts she'd like to write but then they end up internalized and I SO get that!!! And those 'internal' posts just add to the jumble that's already there!

Luke's appointment Monday was great. No measurements since we just did that last week, but he's doing lovely. He was moving all over the place (and I PURPOSELY ate/drank NOTHING with sugar to keep him more calm. Nope. Nothing doing!) and as usual, Dr. Sweeney did a fabulous job of getting some side profile shots of him. He's got some sweet chubby cheeks like his brother, and huge feet and long legs...again, like his brother. If nothing else, apparently, John and I are consistent. His little lips and pout are his mommy's, along with that chin, and I'm even starting to see some of his Granddad's eyebrow shape like I saw with Matthew. I am so grateful for all these pictures...

I'm also grateful for the care we get from that office. It's like we're rockstars or something! They ask us what we think about the new decorations, feel comfortable enough to make baking requests (FINALLY!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!!! Black-velvet cupcakes were recently requested--and with my homemade icing, not the cream cheese! I couldn't make the cream cheese icing last time because I couldn't tolerate the smell, so I made my own and they LIKED it enough to ask for it again!!!!) and just generally treat us like we are old friends. Dr. Sweeney sent us over to L&D to see 'his buddy' (as he casually says!) who just so happens to be the head of L & D and as Dr. Morris was giving us a tour ALL OVER the place, people were looking at us like we must be very, very important for HIM to be doing that with us! He even took me back to the operating area (though he said he was sneaking us back there because we really weren't supposed to be there!) because "he didn't want anything to scare me or surprise me."

SERIOUSLY???? We are so blessed.

It was emotional, I admit, for both John and me...even though the WHOLE place is different, was just so, so emotional. John said the NICU was so very different from Georgetown's...and though Georgetown was wonderful, it was very clinical compared to the warmth and colors of AAMC. I reminded him that private hospitals have different money sources than schools! He knows that, but I just got the impression from John that if it wasn't for the amazing compassion of the Georgetown doctors and nurses who worked with Matthew, he would have even more of a cold and hardened memory.

So, we are all ok. I've been freaking out about the hiccups lately--Luke seems to have them often, and though Dr. Polko said that was a good thing, I also know that sometimes, fetal hiccups can be indicative of distress...especially cord I feel better when they are gone and he's back to the wiggly little acrobat he usually is!

The closer we get...the more worried I am. The more real it is, the more disappointment I feel I am getting closer to.

Every time I visit Matthew's grave...I just don't believe it will be any different.

My heart breaks. Missing Matthew and sadly, missing Luke.

I know that statement may not make sense, and is probably eliciting lots of, "She needs to think positive...she shouldn't feel like that...that's not healthy....yada yada yada."

All I have to say is that I doubt that would come from anyone who's lost a child. To us, it makes perfect sense.

There was NO, NO, NO reason to think that there would be ANY complications with being in the same boat with Luke is not really any comfort to me. And that's just reality.

I just keep begging God for His mercy and remembering, "This one, she will keep."

Soooo....those feelings and many others are why I have just preferred to internalize. Less judgement. Well-meaning, I know...but judgement nonetheless.

Luke's shower is this Saturday and I'm very, very excited! I'm attaching his sweet little invite and again hope that anyone who is nearby and sees it and would like to come, does. I can't say enough how grateful for the support we've received we are.

Luke, Mommy loves you...I love you, love you, love you and can't wait for the next 7 weeks!

Look at those SWEET cheeks!

Those lips and pout are SO mine!
More pouting and sweet cheeks...always with a little hand to his face!

That elbow is CONSTANTLY jabbing me! I love it!

Here's Luke's update for this week:

I'm still about 17 pounds or so of weight gain...NO SWELLING, Hallelujah!!!! I was about 10 pounds heavier with Matthew, but a lot of that was fluid. I could stand to gain a bit more, but Luke's actually a hair heavier than average, so he's doing just fine! As I said, I actually have a good deal of energy, though it's spent by about 3 in the afternoon! Of course, not sleeping much and getting up at 6:15 every day with John adds to that! Luke loves hearing the sunshine toy and he likes daddy's voice when he reads too!

Exercise? No. Hips and back just can't take it. I'm very active, though, and not overweight...nor need to worry about rough laboring, so, I'm ok with no exercise right now! (Or any day, really!)

Week Thirty One: Baby detects light

You are 31 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 29 weeks)
  • Baby weighs 3.5 pounds and measures 16.5 inches from the head to heel.
  • Baby's weight is about 1.6 kg and length around 42cm.
  • The eyes have now completely opened and are responding to light and darkness.
  • A loud noise near you may cause your little one to jump.
31 weeksYour baby continues to grow. Baby's lungs and digestive tract are very near to being mature. Now that almost all of the major organs are functioning, growth will focus on maturing those organs and growing muscle mass and fat stores. Baby's weight gain will exceed its growth in length from now on. He or she should more than double their weight again between now and birth. It weighs about 3.5 pounds (1.6kg), and crown to rump length is 11 inches (28cm). Its total length is 16.5 inches (42cm).

A loud noise near you may cause your little one to jump. Baby may move to the rhythm of music. Studies with heart rates show that they may also prefer some types of music to others at this stage. The eyes can now completely open and the irises are now responsive to light, dilating and contracting as needed.

You will probably find that though you have been feeling pretty energetic throughout your second trimester, you are beginning to slow down now. Pay attention to your body's signals and rest when you need to. Exercise is still an important activity for you, even though it gets harder as you get larger and heavier. Try swimming, stretching and walking all excellent options for pregnant women.

Your total pregnancy weight gain by this time should be between 21 and 28 pounds (9.5 and 12.5kg).


  1. You comment makes COMPLETE sense. I look at Collen every day, and while he is there in front of me, smiling away, I can dwell in the moment of him there, in person, with me and I can miss him at the same time. My heart knows the loss, and the thought of losing another...losing my so real, and as you said...almost expected. It's hard to wrap your mind around even if you've been through it, but you're not alone. Luke is going to be fine, though, and I can't wait to see pictures of this little guy once he's born! We continue to keep you guys in our prayers. We are waiting so anxiously for Luke's arrival!

  2. Wow! He really does have your lips! I love that you can see that already! SO amazing! I wish I were in MD for your shower. 7 weeks!!!!

  3. I hope you have a great shower!

    BTW, I'm so glad that I didn't know the whole hiccups and fetal distress thing when I was pregnant with Cooper! He had them ALL the time so I would've been a basket case! I always thought hiccups were a good thing until another blm was worried about them when she was pregnant with her rainbow.

  4. Awww! Beautiful pictures, make me cry they are so sweet. I sit and look at our photos of the little pumpkin all the time and I'm mesmerised over and over again.

    And how very thoughtful and compassionate that Dr.S send you over to L&D for a private tour with his friend. What a wonderful gesture. Dr. S is a gift from God, but I know you know that ;)

    Ok, so last night I over indulged a bit in sweet/sour gummy worms and thought of you and your sugar baby! Sweet thoughts, lots of them :)

    Much Love to you sweet friend and I will be thinking of you this weekend, as I know the mixed emotions it will bring.


  5. How neat would it be for Luke to come on Jan. 1. Jan. 5th would be great also. That is my birthday! Praying for the next few weeks to go smoothly!

  6. you make sense to me dear friend!!!!!! totally!

    you know my heart:) i am ALWAYS praying and ALWAYS remembering with you. forever and ever. both boys are a part of my heart- the joy, the agony, the uncertainty, the hope..... He knows, He is sufficient, He cares, He loves!

    sending you love and hugs always,

    ps- :D please let john know that some of us will be absolutely USELESS! on the day they induce you until we know all is well... hahaha, so, um, if he or someone else can at least post that luke is here safe and sound... some of us will at least be able to breathe until he-or you- has time to give details and pictures:)))) hahahaha though i fully expect him to be TOTALLY wrapped up in holding little man and catering to your every whim and not have more than a second to update your blog, so i am understanding the conflict here hahahaha.... xoxoxox

  7. Lori - Worry. You get to do that. I wish I could say something to take away your worry and give you a sense of peace; I know I cannot, except to say you have friends that love and support you.

    BUT ... as for the hiccups ... I CAN say something, E had hiccups ALL the time ... constantly. Like the kid never stopped, and now he is seven feet tall and a budding millionaire ( : so I can tell you that *can* be OK. I hope in seven years you will be telling Luke the story of how he hiccuped all the time and made mommy worry.

    Happy shower weekend! Cannot wait to see photos!

    Love to you, J

  8. it is getting so close now isn't it.... i think about you and Luke every day... praying for you as always and I so get what you mean, all of it. I really didn't know that about hiccups !!! :( I hope my LO is paying attention, no more hiccups little man !!! awww Lori, my thoughts and prayers and everything will be with you over the next 7 weeks, I have just over 8 to go so we will be so very close. Keep strong Lori. Keep smiling that lovely smile and keep us updated whenever you can xoxoxoxoxoxox

  9. "The closer we get...the more worried" Yes, that makes perfect sense. But this time can be so different. Tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow.

  10. SOO AMAZING!!!!!! 7 weeks?? i feel like we JUST seen him as a little 'diamond' and we were JUST waiting for him to show his 'bits n pieces' and look at his cheeks..they are so gorgeous!!!!

    The invites are so cute!!! I get the whole post...of course YOU know I would...but I do...wish we BOTH didnt know why...xoxo....i will be thinking of you so much this week <3<3<3<3<3<3

  11. Girl, don't you worry about what anyone thinks. Our judge is not mankind anyway. :-) You have every right to worry with what you went through. I can't imagine anyone wouldn't. I can't promise it will be fine, but I took think "this one will keep". If you are thisclose, then I need to be mailing a wee package. Email me your address again: so I can get it off to Luke. Must be there in time for his arrival. HUGS sweetie!

  12. Lori, I discovered an amazing way to remember everything on my list. There is a notepad feature on most phones. I put it on my main "carousel" and whenever I want to remember something or write something down (that great book I saw at Barnes and Noble that I'd like to get at the library, my Christmas wish list!) I put it into my notepad.

    Wish I could make your shower. We don't know each other a bit but I certainly feel as though I've gotten to know you. You have helped me be a better friend to the BLM in my life.

    Many blessings!

  13. That's almost the same exact design my Mom used for Evan's baby shower. :(

    I like the scripture quote though. I'm gonna steal that. :)

  14. Once Lainey got the hiccups she got them quite a bit it seems. And she still does!!

    I just love Luke's little cheeks. So pinchable already! :)

    And I totally get it. It's hard to remain completely positive you're bringing your baby home when it's already happened once that you didn't.

  15. Readying your heart simultaneously for the greatest joy and the greatest pain, knowing that one or the other is in the near future...sounds impossible. No (rational) reason to think it'll be anything but a perfect outcome, but "think positive!" cheers make no difference and aren't appropriate. My heart goes out to you for all you're having to deal with.

    At least if you weren't already convinced that everyone was preparing as much as possible for Luke's arrival, a VIP hospital tour should do it. He's already should have one of those Ron Burgundy "I'm kind of a big deal" onesies waiting for him :) And being surrounded by people who love both your boys and have supported you and John will make the shower such a special celebration. Hoping most of the inevitable tears are ones of joy. Can't wait to see what your friends put together for you.

    Black velvet cupcakes sound intriguing. I'm always looking for new ideas - maybe someday (with all the free time you have...) you can share your Top Five Doctor-and-Nurse-Approved Recipes.

  16. He is so beautiful, Lori. And, I completely get your comment and your feelings right now. It is quite normal for a mom to feel that way once she has walked the path of losing her sweet baby. I hope your shower is a wonderful day, filled with joy...and I'm praying for you as you wait to meet your precious Luke.

  17. Luke is so perfect! He definitely has your mouth! :)

    I remember how hard it was to wait the last few weeks. I just wanted to hold my child and know that everything was okay, and that it was all over. All of the worry of loosing your child in pregnancy, are gone, as the first cry is echoed in the room.

    God Bless you and your precious family.

  18. Will be thinking of you especially in the weeks to come, I can not believe how time has just flown by, though I know it may not have always felt that way to you. I look forward to hearing more about Luke and will be praying for his safe arrival as well as for the Lord to keep you safe too.