It's Ok, He's With Me...

We are headed to Maui tomorrow. For the last several years, this has been a rough time of year. Dad passed on November 27, 2006. We sat at an empty Christmas tree in 2007, missing Dad and still no children. At Christmas 2008, we pretty much realized the adoption we'd been working on for nearly a year and a half was not going to happen, and anticipated what IVF was about to bring. Matthew was born and passed on November 28 and 29, 2009. Last year, we were hopeful, but cautious, sadly missing some of the joy of Christmas simply because we were uncertain about Luke's impending arrival.

And this year...

This year, I am taking my precious little almost one-year old on a plane bound to celebrate Christmas with family in Maui. He's standing on his own (just a few seconds at a time, and often falling with a thump), cutting four teeth at once, and talking up a storm. He insists on trying to feed himself (heck, he's insisting on trying to do everything himself) and he is such a joy there just aren't words to express it.

When people ask me how I've been able to survive, and more, survive with my faith in God in tact, it's moments like this one I am having right now...typing as that sweet boy plays with a rubber watch he finds fascinating as he wears a snowman shirt and reindeer socks. After Matthew died, my heart was so broken and so crushed, I knew that I'd never, ever, ever be able to have the same level of happiness I'd once had before.

And I was right.

But I have a deeper and different level of happiness, and that can only be from God. A few weeks ago, while having communion, and quietly praying before taking the wafer, I prayed, "Jesus, forgive me. Forgive me for wanting Heaven so badly because I want Matthew and not You. Not that I don't want You, but Lord, I want Matthew so badly. Please just forgive me for not having You at the top of my list...but know it's because my heart misses him so much."

I am not someone who 'hears' God very much.

But I did that morning. I heard, as clear as anything I've ever heard in my head, "It's ok. I know. He's with me. And I've used his little life to bring you closer to me. It's ok."

Friends, for the first time in two years, I finally, finally, finally believed that it IS ok. I felt like instead of losing Matthew, I had been given more. Not only have I been able to have a deeper relationship with God (amazing what sole dependence will do), but I've been given the most amazing gift of Luke, AND I have Matthew in Heaven too.

Instead of hurting over what I've lost, I was able to see what I've been given. I feel like I've been appreciative of every second with Luke, but for the first time, instead of feeling like I'd been totally robbed of Matthew, I was reminded that I HAD him...and one day would have him forever, and in the meantime, was blessed with so much.

That Sunday morning just a few weeks ago touched me in a way that I've been begging God for for over two years now.

And I am reminded that the best gift I've ever been given is Him.

Truly.

I hope anyone who still even reads this has the most blessed of Christmases. I know many are hurting, and I remember so well that raw, intense pain.

But I know the joy I have in my life right now, and know that truly, the only way that could be is God. It's just not anything but the supernatural power of God.

All our love,

I get it...

My husband loves his mother.

Really. I've always thought that to be a good quality, as you can really tell a lot about the way a man will treat and love his wife by how he loves and treats his mother.

My husband has always loved his mother and I think treats her well, and he does the same with me.

And frankly, I really love her too. Not in that in-law kind of way that you have to, but in the really-glad-and-grateful-to-have-another-mother-in-my-life kind of way.

Especially since my mom is gone.

But raising Luke, and praying for his future wife someday has really taught me a lot about how some mothers-in-law can get 'those' reputations.

You know, the ones that won't let go of their little boys? That insist that their boys put them first, even before their wives? Those mothers-in-law.

I get it. I don't agree with it, and I certainly hope that I am not one of those one day (and please know that my sweet mother-in-law is NOT that way either...she's wonderful!), but I get it.

Because I don't want to ever let him go. And I do love that he loves me so much. Cries for me. Wants me to get him when he is unhappy or sad or whatever. Lights up when he sees "Mama!" I love, love, love that I am his best girl. I want that forever, ha ha!

Yes, I know how 'those' mothers-in-law can be created, and I get it. I get it.

Who He'd Be Today...

Luke,

Mama wants you to know this--November 28 is a special day.

It's your brother's birthday, and even if he isn't here with us, I want you to know what an amazing gift our family was given on this day two years ago.

Oh, Luke...he, like you, truly is such a sweet, sweet part of my life.

In such a different, different way.

When Matthew died, I ached. I hurt. I longed to hold my baby and I wept because my arms and heart and everything in me was just empty. It felt like it would never be full again, and really, I guess until we get to Heaven, it won't.

When we found out we were pregnant again with you, hope came back into our lives. My arms still ached and every time I saw a mama give her baby boy a hug or a kiss, I really just felt this pit in my stomach wishing it was ME giving MY baby boy hugs and kisses.

But you gave me hope that one day I WOULD give a baby boy or girl of mine all the love I've wanted to for years.

And when you were born, my arms didn't ache to be filled as much because YOU filled them. You busied my every second and you still fill my days with such joy. I know you think I hug and kiss you too much, but too bad because I have wanted to do that for so, so many years.

I still ache, though. I physically wish I could still hug and kiss Matthew, but what I miss more is who he would be.

I never really missed that initially, I think. I missed the tangible parts of parenting--the sweet baby smells and the soft sighs of contentment. Dressing him up in all the things we'd bought for him and quiet nursing sessions in the middle of the night. Things that I have been so, so grateful to have with you.

Now, as I watch you grow and change into this amazing and funny and charming little boy...

...I wonder who Matthew would be.

What he'd be like.

Before you were born, I said that I felt like you were so much of your daddy...lives for food and likes to just live the good life.

I was SO right!

I had my predictions about what Matthew would be like too.

I miss that I will never get to verify them. I miss knowing what his first word would be...how he'd react when Dixie licked him or what he'd think of Santa Claus and pumpkin pie.

You are growing up so quickly, and with every day, something new happens and you become more and more YOU.

This year, on Matthew's second birthday, I feel pretty sad that I still just don't know HIM. His little life was so brief...but leaves me with what seems like eternity wondering what would have been.

We were able to go back to Maryland this weekend for his birthday. We went to our church, saw our sweet friends, and were able to visit Matthew's resting place. I am so touched by the care that is given to it in our absence, and was so happy to be back 'home' for even just the weekend. I stood in the same pew we always stand in and looked at the altar and thought about how it had looked 105 weekends ago when Matthew's coffin was there. I thought about how much my world stood still at that time and how heartbroken I was.

And how much of my world moves at a crazy speed today and how I am not necessarily heartbroken as I am heart-healing.

You are so much a part of that heart-healing. In fact, the heartbroken really only pours out mostly when I am just consumed with the joy of you. I know that seems weird, but it's true.

I get overwhelmed with emotion because it makes me realize what I am missing with Matthew even more.

I know that to many, the expectation is that two years have passed...you are here now and Matthew's gone and life goes on.

That's all true.

And I think it's pretty obvious by the beaming I am usually displaying whenever you and I are together that I am truly happy and content...even at Matthew's grave, my heart is so joyful because of you.

So knowing how much I adore and cherish you, I think it stands to reason that your brother, even though not with us, is just as adored and cherished.

Because he is. And always will be. As will you.

Luke, don't ever think for one second that you do not have every piece of my heart. You do, without question.

But on November 28, 2009...my heart took on a completely different look and feel...and so it's that heart--the one that misses your big brother so much, yet is so grateful just for what little time I had with him--that's the heart you have.

The heart that will always wonder who he'd be.

From my sweet Pensacola girls. They love you boys so much!

Luke, When mama is gone, will you do me a favor? Please keep eating chocolate birthday cake for Matthew on his birthday. It would make me really happy.

...Even though you had to think about it some tonight!

The End Of An Era...

Definition of an era: A period of time characterized by particular circumstances, events, or personages.

The era of nursing Luke is over. Actually, it ended yesterday, just as I had planned for it to...on his ten-month birthday.

I have enough milk stored for a couple more weeks and then we'll switch over to formula.

Sounds so cut and dry, doesn't it? Sounds just like the old me...Planned it. Prepared for it. Executed it. Finished it.

It's NOT that cut and dry!

Yes, I've been planning it and have been talking with doctors, nurses lactation consultants and most helpful, other mommies.

Yes, Luke has (true to his easy manner!) made it so easy for me. (Maybe too easy, if I am honest!) He has switched over to bottles fairly well now (only The First Years BreastFlow, though I have tried all sorts of others!) and cracks me up at how he can totally hold it, yet won't. Mommy may have stopped supplying directly, but he still holds me accountable for making sure it gets to him easily and without much work on his part, ha ha!

Yes, it's for a bigger goal. A chance at a sibling with whom he can grow up.

Yes, even if we the testing comes back saying it's a no-go on another IVF, I'll still at least know we tried.

But it hurts. I sort of feel like my body is in mourning...kind of like the poor puppy who brings a ball to his master's feet, willing to run and play and jump like they always have, only to learn the master has a baby now and just doesn't have the same time for the puppy that it once did...and the puppy just sort of takes the ball, longingly, and waits for things to go back like they were before. (Not that this has happened in our house, right?) That's how my body is right now...wondering why we are not feeding that baby like we always have and whether or not it is even appreciated anymore. I'm not in physical pain (seriously, Luke has been somewhat weaning himself anyway, according to the lactation consultants, and that's helped tremendously,) but more emotional.

I have plenty of milk. I always have. He's a good nurser (after some major effort, of course). I honestly would go until he completely stopped or I dried up.

But if we are going to get this testing done, and further, should the testing prove positive and we attempt a cycle or two...we have to get going. And I have to stop making milk and the accompanying hormones so test results are not skewed.

I told my sister-in-law (Who, by the way, really is a good conversationalist. She listens, even when one rambles, and has good insight and good, honest support. I never remember to tell her this, but am doing so right now!) that I feel like I am always robbing Peter to pay Paul when it comes to sacrificing one child's needs for another's...sacrifice feelings I have for Matthew to be the mommy Luke needs. Sacrifice mood and energy level for Luke because I'm drained in giving to Matthew when I just have those horrible, terrible achy days.

Now I am sacrificing something so precious and intimate and sacred with Luke, for the mere possibility of another sibling.

It just isn't fair.

But I already know that, and she reminded me that's just how it goes when you have multiple children.

And it is. I guess it's the fact that this next sibling is truly just a dream right now and having to stop nursing Luke to get there is a very tangible thing I am giving up.

The knowledge, either way, will be worth it. I will not regret weaning Luke and having another child. I may wish wistfully that I'd not had to stop nursing Luke only to find out we weren't having another one, but I would always regret not knowing whether we could or not.

So, as stated. The end of an era. A wonderful and magical one, though very bumpy and not without it's share of frustrations. Sweet little Luke, I want you to know it has been my honor and my privilege to nurse you these 10 months, and I am so grateful for the amazing experience and memories. Thank you, thank you.

Today we took some pictures out at the beach. They mostly stink because it was so bright out they are all overexposed and frankly, I don't know how to compensate for that. I was in manual, and I was using all my tricks on my camera to balance exposure, but still...blech. I want to learn how to adjust white balance in Kelvin and I also need to learn more about metering with my camera. But I digress...the purpose of this paragraph was to preface the pictures. My niece is visiting and after I took a few of Luke, I set the camera and gave it to her. She captured some really sweet ones...because the most important part of the pictures are the expressions...they show how much I adore this little boy and how happy he is.

I am so blessed with him.

Light-Bulb Moments...

Sometimes, they just hit.

Sometimes, someone hits you with them.

Today, I was hit with a few.

I have to stop using the "My child died, so don't expect _______" card. In fairness, I don't think I use it that often, but even when I do, I am totally cognizant of the fact that I do, and that in and of itself makes me unhappy. I get mad when other people use Matthew's death to somehow be all about them, so why do I hold myself to a different standard just because I am his mom?

Life stinks...for a lot of people. Look at the famine in Africa right now. Watch the news and try not to cry over those poor mothers who can't feed their children. I cannot imagine Luke crying to me because he was hungry and I was helpless. I cry thinking about it. I do not want to use Matthew's death, and my residual 'hermit-yness', for lack of a better word, as excuses for not being the person God calls me to be...to serve where He calls me to serve, and to do what He asks me to do. I often joke that we all have our crosses to bear, but I am jealous of those who carry 'tissue-paper' crosses when mine is more like cement.

Maybe it is, but that's no excuse for me to just claim "But you don't know my story..." and I do that. Again, not often, but I do. I want to stop.

Also, it may be pretty apparent (by my lack of writing, which a good friend says always worries her!) and in the conflicted things I write that I've been having a hard time of things lately. Hard time with being unsettled. Hard time with John being so busy. Hard time with missing my little cocoon of protection and support in Maryland. Hard time missing my boy....hard time feeling guilty about having a hard time.

Yes, just hard time.

So the other lightbulb moment thrown at me, when talking about the guilt that comes from being happy with Luke and not sad about Matthew (though I am, of course...) was this, "Luke not only wants you to be happy, he needs you to be happy. Matthew really doesn't care either way, does he?"

Nope. The reality is that it makes no difference to Matthew whether I am happy, sad, guilty, depressed, manic, content, whatever...but it makes all the difference in the world to Luke.

Don't get me wrong--Luke is a happy, happy boy and I know he knows that he is my whole world. It's very obvious to just about anyone that meets him that he is a very loved and happy baby, and very secure in his parents just being thrilled to be his parents.

But until a few minutes ago, that carried such tremendous guilt. It's just NOT NATURAL to be so darned happy and content when you have a child in a grave. Any way the coin is tossed, it's NOT. People don't understand how elation and devastation can coexist and again, it's mostly because those two feelings usually are not naturally felt together. Being so happy to be Luke's mom and to love him and mother him, I feel guilty because I AM happy...even though Matthew is dead.

That guilt is so powerful, but I'm not going to give it any more power. My guilt does NO one any good. It doesn't honor or respect Matthew...he doesn't even know or care.

But Luke does. It matters to Luke. Or could matter if I allowed it to. My counselor told me about a patient who lost a sibling at an early age, and remembers his mommy and daddy always being sad after that happened.

I have to give both John and myself credit in that I don't think we let the grief of losing Matthew color our relationship with Luke--Luke is just so darned easy to love and cuddle and be so happy for and with. He really doesn't ever see either of us with anything but pure glee on our faces with every single thing he does!

I intend for it to stay that way. I want him to know that his brother passing was the worst thing in our entire lives, but that it didn't break us. It almost did...but didn't. And that Luke is so easily capable of making our hearts full. I don't want him to ever think that he wasn't enough...or that he never had the fullness of our love because our grief stole that from him.

The grief is there...and will always be.

But I won't feel guilty about not letting it steal what is rightfully Luke's...the knowledge that he is supremely loved for who HE is. Matthew being gone will never change, but Luke's security in what he means to this family depends on us. As I said, he's so darned lovable, it's been easy to be completely in love with him--to the point that sometimes, I feel guilty that I love him so much and can't easily show the same love for Matthew.

No more guilt over that. I'd love him like I do whether or not Matthew was alive, and that's how it's supposed to be.

Speaking of...he just woke up from his (2 hour!) nap and is calling for mama. Today, at 12:08 pm, he made the sign for milk and TOTALLY meant it. That boy is growing up so much.

I love every second of it. Guilt free.

Sunshine

Luke, I hope one day you are surrounded--be it in real life or virtually--by people with kind, compassionate, empathetic and sympathetic hearts.

Mommy sure is.

I needed to get what I wrote last night off my chest. I *really* need to do your blog because it's been over two weeks with no new pictures, but I just feel like my heart is so heavy sometimes with things I want to be understood, and sometimes, writing them and then being told, "I get it." just makes my heart a million times lighter.

I know everyone doesn't get it. That's ok. Even if no one did, that'd be ok. Many days, I don't.

So I want you to know, one day when you read this, that while I do think about what my life would be like if Matthew had lived and you'd not been born...there is no, no, no way that I would ever choose to give you back. For anything.

Or anyone.

That makes my heart hurt too, because I feel like in saying that, I'm saying I love you more than I love Matthew. That's not it. Nor do I love him more than you.

I wouldn't have chosen to give him back, either...if I had the choice.

I just want you to know how much I love you. You have been screaming your poor little head off for nearly an hour and 15 minutes, which is about the longest I've EVER heard you do that! You went to sleep just fine, but woke up sort of yelping and wouldn't settle. I changed you, nursed you, tried to rock you, let you try to settle yourself...Tylenol, Highland's Drops...nothing, nothing, nothing would settle you. Finally about 15 minutes ago, you let me hold you and rock you to sleep. I imagine it's a bit of your teeth, and a bit of you just being worked up, but I just wanted to fix it. As I held you, you gave those poor, poor little whimpers that proved you'd been crying a good cry, and I just melt over those every time I hear them. You are so precious to me. You brought sunshine back into our lives. Even on nights like this, I just thank God that I was able to sit in that chair with you and rock you...hold you in my arms and sing to you and let you know that I was there and would always, always love you.

If you ever wonder if you are loved, please know you are. If you ever doubt that I'd not move Heaven and earth for you, please know that I would. If you ever question whether I am glad you were born, regardless of how it came to be, please know that I am.

So much. More than I can put into words, and more than I think you could imagine.

You are truly our Luke...bringer of light...and I love you, sweet boy.

Home is Where The Marine Corps Sends Us....

...right?

I used to have a plaque that hung on our wall that echoed those sentiments (yes, during my Americana phase)...I believed it then, and for many, many, many years after.

Not so much now.

Nowhere we are stationed is home.

This earth is not my home.

A huge piece of my heart is where my Home is...and I just try and keep that in mind as we are ready to move back to North Carolina for awhile.

My Matthew is Home.

One day, we will be Home with him too.

Until then, I have to say that we are blessed to be loved by so many in both our 'homes' here in Maryland and in North Carolina. That always makes just about anything easier--to be loved, and supported and cared for.

Many people have told me that they will visit (or will continue to visit) Matthew's grave for us while we are in North Carolina. I cannot even express how much that means to us. I pray that anyone who does knows what a priceless gift they are giving to us in doing so, and any pictures or notes will brighten any day I have in North Carolina.

Our house is packed. The movers come tomorrow. We'll be vagabonds for the next month and a half. Everything that Luke does is prefaced by me with, "This is the last time you'll...blah, blah, blah in this house for a while, buddy," and I realize that chokes me up far more than it does him.

As I posted on Facebook the other day...I have a much easier time coming to grips with my things being packed up in order for me to continue to exist in the days ahead than I do packing Matthew's things up to be stored for the next two-three years because there's really no 'need' to have them in limited space.

His whole little life is basically summed up here...in this house, this area, this state. Who knew years ago when I decided to "Do Maryland" that my precious little boy's life would be summed up that way?

And yet...North Carolina, here we come! I loved North Carolina. I have so many good friends who are more like family down there, and I am so excited to share Luke with them as well.

It just hurts to leave the tangibles of Matthew behind...

They are precious to me.

********************************************

Luke is just out of control with all the amazing things he is doing! He finally rolled all the way over from back to front (he does front to back at warp speed, continuously!) but we'd have never known had we not been watching him fight a nap on the video monitor (seriously, one of my FAVORITE things!). He is constantly reaching for everything he can, exploring face after face after face, putting anything (and I mean anything!) he can into his mouth and now reaches for us when he is in his glider or bouncy and we walk by and he wants us to pick him up! He is definitely becoming more determined in his needs and it's so funny!

Checking Brett's face out!!!

...and Miss Nia's....

He squeals! With utter delight, he squeals and squeals and squeals some more because he finds it so great! I love to hear him coo and squeal with just sheer joy. He LOVES having his toes and feet played with so much so that when you stop, he lifts his feet up in the air for you to continue. He is just now finding his toes and loves them.

"Play with my toes, daddy!!!!!"

Every time we put a warm cloth on his bottom when we are changing his diaper, he freezes and gets the most gigantic smile on his face...he literally acts like it's a wonderful spa treatment and his eyes just twinkle.

He is a happy, happy boy.

He was 15 lbs., 8 oz. and 25.75 inches the other day. That's 29th%tile for weight and 48th%tile for length. As predicted, long and lean for now. He is teething up a storm and get this--he has SIX teeth we can see that are working their way here!! SIX. His two upper front teeth are the ones that Dr. Sheth predicts will be here any day. There are 3 on the bottom back right and one on the bottom back left.

Yes. BOTTOM BACK! Dr. Sheth said that it certainly is early to see those, but that could happen. Just because they are at the surface and hard, though, does not mean they are about to erupt, and could be months. Hooray. Teething is so much fun.

Not.

I feel terrible for him, though he really isn't fussy at all. He just tries to stuff his fist as far down his mouth as he can...and puts everything else there too.

"Can I get my fingers back there any further?????"

Plus, sleeping is still hard for him, though I am working hard at getting naps under control and then hopefully using better napping for better night time sleep. Still hard to do with teething, moving, visiting and such, but we are working on it. He's good for at least one that's about 40 minutes around 9 and another that's about 30 minutes around noon. Then another around 35 minutes around 2 and another 20ish minutes around 5. He'd like to take another cat nap later, but I try not to let him and instead am trying to get him to bed a bit earlier. Tonight seemed like success.

There's no telling about tomorrow.

Sneaking in a nap...mommy couldn't stop this one!!!

We tried homemade organic brown rice. He was NOT a fan. My favorite part of it all? Him TOTALLY pushing his daddy's hand away every time John brought the spoon there. He is definitely interested in eating, but things he likes. He basically grabs his medicine syringe out of my hand and sticks it in his mouth and starts sucking away because he loves it. Pushes stuff he doesn't away. I think he's ready to try some more stuff in the next few weeks and I'm excited for him. I predict he'll love fruits --he has one heckuva sweet tooth!!

"What the heck is this stuff?

"Ummm...how about no more, 'K? Thanks."

I can't believe he's growing so fast.

The boy is still working on sitting by himself, though not as much as he likes to STAND!

Yeah, so check it out. He's standing. Leaning on the crib, but still...STANDING, for Pete's Sake!

"Yeah, mom...just so you know...this will be happening WAY sooner than you'd like!!!!"

Seriously, he is a mover, mover, mover and he just wants to STAND or have you stand with him...preferably moving around so he can take everything in. Everyone tells me you can really tell he's a thinker.

I think I'm in trouble when that thinking gets put to action!!!!

Cute, yes. Diabolical? Oh, yes!!!!

Here are some pictures from the week...it's been busy!!

Still LOVING his baths!!!! Now he reaches for the hand-held wand!

Yep...teethies for sure!!!

His new book. He LOVES those!!! Thanks to "Uncle Craig" and "Auntie Shelby"!

Oooohhhh....that's my foot!!!

You mean daddy will buy me a pony when I get bigger than Froggy????

Wait...what's a pony????

He was ALL about this precious little puppy!!! The puppy loved him back!!!

Yep...trying to put the puppy's nose in his mouth!

Luke and his expressions!!!!