Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Who I am...

Perhaps that definition is why I have been having such a tough few days. Or week and few days. Heck, let's be honest, 7 weeks and 3 days.

  • Who I thought I'd be was a tired but jubilant new mother.
  • Who I thought I'd be was a woman who falls in love with her husband more and more every day as I watch him continue to be so darned cute as a new daddy.
  • Who I thought I'd be was a woman finally able to have the conversations about pregnancy, labor and delivery with other moms at play dates, while we watched our little miracles coo and grow.
  • Who I thought I'd be was a woman who finally, finally was able to claim there was nothing more in the world I could ask for: A wonderful husband, beautiful baby, amazing family and friends and lovely creature comforts.

I could go on and on with the various ways I thought I could describe myself.

I am tired...but because I do not sleep and grieving is exhausting.

I am a mother...but jubilant would be the last word I'd use.

I do fall in love with John more and more every day...because I am amazed at his strength and in awe of the depths of love he had for my son. Yes, I know Matthew is John's son too, but knowing how much my husband loved our little boy...and how broken-hearted he is that Matthew died...truly, I cannot imagine my life without John.

I can have those conversations with other mothers...but not at play dates and not without making the other mothers somewhat uncomfortable because we all know how tragically my story ends...and seriously, what does one say? We all know there are NO words for this. None.

And while I still have a wonderful husband, amazing family and friends, lovely creature comforts and had a BEAUTIFUL baby, oh....there's SO much I would ask for...namely my beautiful little Matthew--living, breathing and growing as I have the honor of raising him.

So, essentially....I am a mother without my baby. Try learning how to be that. It's not easy, I promise. It's heart-wrenching and makes you feel as if you have been slammed against a brick wall--over and over--and can't catch your breath. It's constantly reliving the events that led to the delivery...remembering that even right up to the VERY second John called and told me Matthew was going to die, I was JOKING. I was my typical self--crack a joke and try to be a good patient so no one is put out....because I KNEW Matthew was going to be ok.

It's reading blog after blog after blog about the heartache of so many mothers who also have had their babies die--and realizing that the flip side of knowing I am not alone is that the tragedy of losing your baby is SO much more common than we realize.

It's questioning every single thing you've so EASILY believed in because up until now, those beliefs have never TRULY been challenged...and now that I am challenged to BELIEVE what I say, it's not as easy some may think.

It's wondering what in the world I do now. What is a mother without her baby?

That's who I am. A mother without her baby.


  1. Wishing you weren't. Praying you will catch your breath soon. Soon, Lori. I am sorry it hurts so all the time, my friend. Praying for Him to carry you close to His heart.

  2. It makes sense that you are feeling "aimless" and seeing the "withouts." Given your personality -- such a dynamic one! -- and all the hopes, dreams, and expectations for your life and family after Matthew's birth that aren't currently being met, many that won't ever be met, given that your role as teacher is not filling your day-to-day world either, the "don't-haves" are surely in the forefront. The world tilted and the balance shifted.

    That you recognize and acknowledge the "haves," that you strive to keep them, is a wondrous thing.
    I pray that one day, the world will tilt again and you'll get your equilibrium back. You'll always feel for Matthew, but I pray that the "haves" will shift and balance. Isn't that God's promise?

    "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

  3. I'm so sorry, Lori. I don't know what I can say to help. I know I never met him but, I miss Matthew too...Praying for your comfort and healing.

  4. Lori,

    I have been reading your blog for quite a while now. You don't know me but I am Jenny's sister-in-law, Susie. I read your blog and my heart breaks. I pray for you and for John. As I read your blog I thought about a song: "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns.
    I wish I had something better to say to you; but you are right, there are no words.

    "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3


  5. I just continue to say I am sorry because no words I say are going to make you feel better. Just know that I am praying for you and thinking about you much.

  6. My heart just aches for you. I wish I could take away even the tiniest bit of grief off your shoulders. I will continue to pray that God continues to comfort you and hold your family in the palm of his hands.

  7. You left out that you an AMAZING INCREDIBLE AND VERY STRONG person! Love, J

  8. I'm with J on this one... you are an amazing and incredibly strong woman. You are beautiful outside and in. And most importantly... you are Matthew's Mother and you always will be.

    Sending you peace and love!

    Sarah xoxo

  9. Play dates...I looked so forward to those, but look forward to Pray Dates instead.

    Wish I had all the answers, but I don't and know that I never will...none of us will. But, what I do know is that you are very much loved and cared for in this community :) Keep writing, as its so therapeutic and healing.

    In another post you said that Matthew never got his song. And, I've thought of that so many times. However, today I realized Matthew did get "his song", his was the song of a heavenly choir and there is NO more beautiful song than this. I hope this helps just a little.

    Much love to you and know that I pray for you daily.


  10. A mother without her baby shouldn't exist. It's not fair and it feels cruel. I wish I could take that status away from your life.

    I am so glad you found this community, because I know it has been my lifesaver, and made me feel so much less alone.