Sunday, January 10, 2010

Dear pregnant friends...

I know you are being extremely thoughtful and considerate of our feelings right now and I cannot tell you how touched I am by this compassion.

The thing is--as much as I admit I am wistful when I see happy families and expectant moms just glowing with all the promise of pregnancy--I am GLAD for you!!! Pregnancy was wonderful--even with all the aches and pains of it. I want you to enjoy every second of it!

Most importantly, know this...I am hurting because I miss Matthew. I am broken-hearted because I miss Matthew. And your baby, or any other child I may have is not Matthew. I know if Matthew had survived, I wouldn't blink an eye when I see you with your baby bump. I may think, "I remember that, but BOY am I glad it's over!" I'd probably put cute little "What does sleep feel like?" remarks as my Facebook statuses, and I surely would laugh and joke about how I was glad I was able to wear normal clothes again....and that's EXACTLY what mommies-to-be and new mommies SHOULD be talking about.

We should NOT be talking about the heartache we feel when we realize, 6 weeks after, that our babies never heard the lullaby that is played on the Labor & Delivery floor when a new baby is born--I realized two nights ago that Matthew never got his song...all involved were far too concerned with saving his life. For some reason, it is just breaking my heart into pieces that my boy never got his song. I don't know why this hurts me so much right now, but it does...and should NOT be what I'm thinking or feeling.

Yet it is. And those are the cards I've been dealt and with which I am dealing. It's Matthew I'm missing and your pregnancy doesn't replace Matthew and neither will any future pregnancy I may be blessed to have. Your pregnancy and new baby are joyful things for which I am honored to know about--and I don't ever, ever, ever want you to think otherwise. I'm nothing but joyful and excited for you, for motherhood is the absolute BEST THING EVER--I promise!

9 comments:

  1. You are such a dear to want to bless those that are currently with child. To realize they may be sensitive to what you might be feeling with regard to their impending delivery. We all just love you and Matthew so much, we don't want to cause you any additional stress or sadness. Thank you for telling us how you're feeling about preggos!

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  2. You are amazing and courageous.

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  3. You just have the biggest heart Lori. No one will ever forget your sweet Matthew.

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  4. It mades me so sad he didn't get his song too!

    And it is very amazing of you to write this. Sometimes I still have to talk myself into being happy for my pregnant friends. But I just keep reminding myself, as it sounds like you do, that their baby is not Madelyn!

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  5. Lori, bless your heart for writing this. What a special and beautiful woman you are.

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  6. You have such a loving heart.

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  7. Lori,

    I visited your blog just a few days ago and can't seem to get you off my mind. Your loss is so recent and I know the pain you are feeling and I'm so sorry you have to experience this. I'm amazed at your great strength and in awe of your FAITH.

    It's so hard to travel this journey of loss while others we love celebrate life. I have to admit, I just not there yet with being able to fully embrace the bumps and announcements. It's an honest emotion...on in that I am Joyful for those who are pregnant, but reminded of my loss. Thank you for being so open and sharing your emotions.

    Most of all, I'm sending you love and will be journeying with you.

    Stop by my blog sometime:
    www.persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com

    Love to you
    xoxo

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  8. like I said u R an angel on earth sweetone!
    :-)

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