Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The cemetery....

I went.

By myself.

It was hard.

I hated it.

Friends, I'd love to tell you I am at the point where I am joyous about the thought that I will see my son in Heaven, but I simply am not...I'm selfish. I want him here now. I don't want to wait. I waited for him for over 10 years. How much longer must I wait to hold my son? Thinking about that is just not where I am right now.

If you have never seen the grave of a newborn, and I hope you haven't, it is small. The square of freshly dug ground was so, so small. It broke my heart.

We have an appointment on Friday to pick his marker out. Funny...I figured I'd be at the pediatrician's for his 2 month shots.


  1. Lori - I honestly don't know what to say, what IS there to say? I just want you to know I am thinking of you. Xoxo, J

  2. you are not selfish. Far from it.
    Wanting your son here,now, is natural, not selfish.

    so much love to you and John

  3. I wish you were going to his shots. I will pray for strength and endurance on Friday. I am proud of you for going to visit his grave today. That was a huge step for you. I hope it gave you some closeness to him even though he is always right there with you. I am so sorry, sweetheart. Please call me.

  4. I remember counting the days after wards. What I thought I'd be doing - how I couldn't stop myself from going on youtube and looking up videos of 3, 4, 5 week old babies... there is no escaping the valley. :( I'm so, so, SO sorry for your loss.
    Kendall from Canada

  5. Lori,
    So sad for you. I wish you were taking Matthew to get his shots. Praying for you daily...


  6. It sucks Lori. It sucks so much and I am incredibly sorry.

  7. Thinking of you. Praying for peace beyond understanding on Friday.

  8. Oh sweetie...(((hugs)))

    It is hard - really hard. I am the same way - the thought of heaven is the only reason I made it through many days, but I too would so much rather have her here with me now, the way it is SUPPOSED to be.

  9. You are not selfish at all! I remember the day of Zac's funeral like it was an hour ago, and his gutted me. I wanted to just pick him up and run. And I feel the same...even though I know I will be with my heavenly children doesn't help the pain of missing them here now! I miss our son, and I'm sad that Evan will never have an earthly day playing with his twin brother. The day we picked Zac's grave marker was so unreal! We couldn't believe this was what we were having to do.
    I go to the cemetery by myself frequently. I write Zac notes and leave them there in a little bag my brother started. And somehow it "helps". Everything I wish I could be telling him to his face now has to suffice being written on a piece of paper. Oh how I wish you had your sweet Matthew in your arms!!! I am so sorry you are having to face all this.
    Hugs!!!! Heather

  10. {{{hugs}}} I hope that some day it will help ease the pain to have that place to go and think about him and talk to him. I hope you are able to pick the most perfect marker to represent everything he means to SO many of us.

  11. I wish that you didn't have to face tomorrow's so difficult task. Keeping you in thoughts and prayers as you do.

  12. Oh Lori, I am so sorry. It broke my heart to see how small the casket was for my Jenna, and the plot. It isn't right. You're not selfish, it's only natural that you want him here. For a few weeks it helped me to know she was perfect and pain free and then it sunk in one day, that she will NEVER be here with me on this earth. It is so hard, just know you are not alone. If you ever want to talk, please do.


  13. Lori,

    Tears, many of them, as no Mommy should ever have to endure this wretched pain. Honestly, none of us can grasp the thoughts of waiting to hold our babies in heaven, as it's not supposed to be that way. It's unfair and you are not selfish. I suppose we all think about where we should be, I know I do. It hurts.

    Recently, I read the blog of a man who lost his wife just after his baby girl was born. He talked about going to the cemetary to visit his wifes grave and seeing people standing near another grave and thinking "how sad they look" to only be reminded where he actualy was, and that he would be just as sad.

    Much love to you...keep writing and know that we care.


  14. I don't know how any good mother could not want her child with her. KNOWING where he is and actually letting it process are so different. You miss him and will be with him again, but for now... You are stronger than you know, Lori. Really, truly. Keep fighting.

  15. I'm thinking of you today.

  16. I am so sorry. No mother should have to experience this. You are by no means selfish! You are the most giving person I know. Who would not want their baby with them? You are an amazing mother! Praying for you always!