Something has been weighing on my heart since last Sunday and Mark's sermon.
Had Matthew lived, he would have had some serious issues.
I have not really had the courage or the strength to really broach *just* what happened to Matthew and what was said about him and what was done. I have not had the courage to research vasa previa more. I have not had the courage to even try and understand any of it any more because frankly--it doesn't change anything and it just makes my heart hurt.
So, after listening on Sunday, that night, we did our Hanging on to Hope devotional. This was week 8 and Nancy (Guthrie--if you have a hurt heart, she's been there and writes about it beautifully--this book has spoken to us so much in 8 weeks) focused on --wait for it -- DEATH.
Yep, after hearing that death is a deliverance and healing from the horrors of this world, that night we read about something that tied right in with that.
After, I asked John some questions I haven't been brave enough to ask. I asked him if Matthew really lost a lot of blood. (Yes.) I asked him if Matthew was without oxygen for a significant amount of time. (Yes.) I asked him if Matthew would have had serious, serious issues had he lived. (Yes.) I asked him if the doctors had told him that if he survived, Matthew would not have had an easy life. (Yes.) I asked him if he really and truly believed that knowing all of this, did he feel Matthew was better off in Heaven. (Yes.)
Oh friends....please, please, please do not think that John thinking that means that he was not prepared to go to the ends of the earth to ensure that Matthew's life would have been the best life it could have been if he survived. He WAS! I WAS! He told me the NICU doctor from Georgetown had told him Matthew was very sick and was facing some serious issues and he meditated on that the whole drive up there. In his head, he thought about what that meant and how we would deal with it. And deal with it we WOULD!
But...would Matthew ever say my name? Maybe not. Would he ever even walk? Maybe not. Would he have been able to eat or would he have needed tubal feedings? Who knows? Would his life had been the life it would have been 10 minutes before he was born and the vessel hadn't broken? No. Not anywhere near it.
We see little boys and girls with disabilities all over the place and look at each other and say, "We'd take that in A HEARTBEAT."
And we would.
But, in continuing to think of the many, many, many prayers offered for my precious little boy--prayers for him to be ok--I have to really be honest and ask if I think those prayers were answered and he's ok.
I'm not sure I can answer that right now. In my heart, as a mother, I absolutely would not want my son to suffer even one second. In my heart, as a mother, the thought of my son being cradled by Jesus Himself is what I'd want.
But in my heart, as a mother, with unknown possibilities swirling around what could have been, I still ache for him to be right here with me.