You know, people (so sweetly, by the way) call all the time and when I feel up to it, I try to answer as much as I can. Sadly, they typically start the conversation with, "Oh, is it a bad moment?" because I obviously sound as if I have been or am crying.
Most of the time, they are probably right. I then say, "No, no...it's fine, I'm just having a hard day."
Good night! EVERY day is a hard day. EVERY minute is a hard minute. Not a second of my day goes by without me somehow being consumed with Matthew--He's not here. He was here. Where is he? How is he? When will I see him? What will he be like? What would he have been like? How is this my life?????????
Making tea, I ask those questions. Sitting at my computer reading others' stories or researching information, I ask those questions. In the shower, I ask those questions. In the car, I ask those questions. Watching television, I ask those questions. Standing in Lowe's, I ask those questions. Sitting in church, I ask those questions. My every thought somehow, someway always revolves around Matthew. So, every day is hard.
This was a tough week, though, and I'm not sure why. By tough, I mean even MORE difficult than the weeks before. Maybe it's reality settling in? It's definitely a lot of anxiety about what I am to do and where I am to go from here. Maybe it's the fact that it has already been over 7 weeks for everyone, but to me, it seems like it was a few hours ago. Literally. Maybe it's the realization that it's been 7 weeks and it STILL hurts like it was a few hours ago. Maybe it's the fear that it will hurt like this for a lot longer still...shopping didn't help, nor did going back for my post-partum checkup. Maybe it's all of that. Probably so.
Someone said something to me this morning--she said, "There's something out there for you." This was in reference to the fact that I told her I just sort of felt aimless...I was saying purposeless, but that's not true. I have a purpose--I am a wife, a daughter and a friend. I am a grieving mother. I am a sister and an aunt. There's purpose in all of those roles, though I admit some are far more definitive than others.
But I am aimless. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go. I know what I don't have, and I know I am heartbroken. Heartbreak hurts, and frankly, I hate hurting. I want a definitive aim. I want the anxiety gone. I want a focus. I want all of that and yet, I still want Matthew with me every second in my thoughts. I guess the bottom line is that Matthew was my focus and aim and now...well, now what?
Growing and moving on to me means I accept that what I spent the last 10 years planning for, and the last year growing and loving no longer is a valid option and that just overwhelms me. It means I accept Matthew is gone and while I knew my life was going to change the minute he was born, it has abruptly turned into a change with which I have no idea how to deal.
I just don't know....
Yes, it's been a very tough week.