Sunday, January 17, 2010

Tough Week...

You know, people (so sweetly, by the way) call all the time and when I feel up to it, I try to answer as much as I can. Sadly, they typically start the conversation with, "Oh, is it a bad moment?" because I obviously sound as if I have been or am crying.

Most of the time, they are probably right. I then say, "No,'s fine, I'm just having a hard day."

Good night! EVERY day is a hard day. EVERY minute is a hard minute. Not a second of my day goes by without me somehow being consumed with Matthew--He's not here. He was here. Where is he? How is he? When will I see him? What will he be like? What would he have been like? How is this my life?????????

Making tea, I ask those questions. Sitting at my computer reading others' stories or researching information, I ask those questions. In the shower, I ask those questions. In the car, I ask those questions. Watching television, I ask those questions. Standing in Lowe's, I ask those questions. Sitting in church, I ask those questions. My every thought somehow, someway always revolves around Matthew. So, every day is hard.

This was a tough week, though, and I'm not sure why. By tough, I mean even MORE difficult than the weeks before. Maybe it's reality settling in? It's definitely a lot of anxiety about what I am to do and where I am to go from here. Maybe it's the fact that it has already been over 7 weeks for everyone, but to me, it seems like it was a few hours ago. Literally. Maybe it's the realization that it's been 7 weeks and it STILL hurts like it was a few hours ago. Maybe it's the fear that it will hurt like this for a lot longer didn't help, nor did going back for my post-partum checkup. Maybe it's all of that. Probably so.

Someone said something to me this morning--she said, "There's something out there for you." This was in reference to the fact that I told her I just sort of felt aimless...I was saying purposeless, but that's not true. I have a purpose--I am a wife, a daughter and a friend. I am a grieving mother. I am a sister and an aunt. There's purpose in all of those roles, though I admit some are far more definitive than others.

But I am aimless. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go. I know what I don't have, and I know I am heartbroken. Heartbreak hurts, and frankly, I hate hurting. I want a definitive aim. I want the anxiety gone. I want a focus. I want all of that and yet, I still want Matthew with me every second in my thoughts. I guess the bottom line is that Matthew was my focus and aim and now...well, now what?

Growing and moving on to me means I accept that what I spent the last 10 years planning for, and the last year growing and loving no longer is a valid option and that just overwhelms me. It means I accept Matthew is gone and while I knew my life was going to change the minute he was born, it has abruptly turned into a change with which I have no idea how to deal.

I just don't know....

Yes, it's been a very tough week.


  1. I don't know what your goal is now either, but I know for certain you have one and you will find it. I will pray that you find it sooner rather than later. You are much like me in that you need that purpose. Having a direction will help you get going where you need to get going. But Matthew will always be going there with you. He is always a part of your life now. And even though it is not in the way we wish it were, his presence is still very real. It still seems like a few hours to me sometimes, too. My heart is still so,so heavy. I love you.

  2. Lori, I wish I could take all your pain away. The pain only a mother of an angel knows. I cant. I can tell you, you will find your purpose it will be when you are not ready for it. Like Amber said, Matthew is always close by sending you little messages to let you know he loves you and misses you and everything will be ok. Hugs friend.

  3. Hugs to you Lori. Wading through pain like this is completely unfair and confusing. You will find your purpose and your direction. Be gentle with yourself ~ 7 weeks is a blink for a mother in mourning. I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better, but since I can't just know that I think about you and sweet Matthew all the time.

  4. Lori - please be kind and gentle with yourself - time is in perspective to events that happen with in it -- and 7 weeks is a short time when you've lost the biggest piece of life you've waited and worked so hard for... Life will find for you an aim, even if it's not one you were expecting or looking for... I hope it finds you soon, and I agree w/ Amber - your Matthew will be going with you on that road... if it does not end up being at shady grove, please remember the email i sent you...I know a soul is making his/her way to you...we are all just praying god will show you the path soon...

  5. I remember all too well those days that I felt lost. If I am honest, I still feel lost and its been 8 months. Somedays I just wander about and I've come to accept that those days happen and I have to navigate them as best I can. Loss is complicated and there is no script for the grief process. The old normal is no more and we try to find our way in the new normal.

    Thoughts of Christian enter my mind minute by minute, day by day and I never even held him in my arms. My heart aches for you, as no Mother should ever face such pain. Like you, I think of my angel everyday and in every setting, but that is what Mother's do. Sweet Matthew will always be with you, always...and your love will forever be with him.

    Just wish there were more I could do to ease your pain. *tears*

    Much love and may God continue to hold you in the palm of his hand.

  6. I am sorry that you had such a tough week. I cannot even imagine what you are feeling or going through, but please know that I am praying for you!

  7. (((((((((LORI))))))))))

    I am so sorry you are having a hard week. I wish I could take the pain away for you and ease your burden. Please know that I am here for you... I am sending you lots of love and hugs!

    Just take each day at a time and be kind to yourself!

  8. Lori,
    I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. I haven't commented recently, but I've been checking in on your blog daily and thinking about you and John.
    What you're feeling is so very valid and common. I think everyone feels aimless at some point in their life when unexpected change happens or when hopes and dreams are dealt a blow. I have felt this way so often....through miscarriages, through changes in our adoption plans, through career transitions. I know it is so hard right now.....but you WILL get your compass back; you will feel that sense of purpose and direction again; you will be filled with hope and anticipation again. Nothing will ever replace Matthew or the hopes and dreams that you had for him, nor should it. But you will feel purpose and meaning and direction again, though I'm sure it is so hard to see right now.
    Kim H.

  9. I know you will find your direction, and I will be praying for you as you do.

    I remember falling into a particularly dark hole about 6 or 7 weeks into my loss - and I just felt so lost. Sometimes I still feel that way. But I do know there remains a purpose for us. I wish we could know it now, but one day we will.

    I think it's also easy to define our whole lives in our losses. At least I know I tended to do so. It's all-consuming, and for this reason it becomes easy to forget that there is more to us than that. Loss is a part of who we are, but it does not define us, nor does it complete us. There is more to your purpose than carrying the weight of your child that you only hold in your heart.

    I hope I am making sense. Sometimes I feel like I'm just rambling as I try to make sense of these things myself.

    Please know you remain in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. Just thinking of you tonight and wanted to drop by with a quick {{hug}} and reminder that you are held close in prayer. I'm sorry it was a harder week. :(

  11. I hope the next week is better. Even the next hour .... step by step. Hugs, J

  12. Oh Lori, reading this brings so many familiar feelings to the surface for me. And while you feel aimless and wonder what to do next...the pain of the hole where Matthew should have been will overwhelm. I often wonder how to "accept" losing Zac...and I have no idea how. Moving forward to me means leaving behind...and it scares me even though I know Zac and my Jack and Ethan are in every breath I take. Even though I know we must move forward.
    When we lost our first identical twins in 2007 my whole world changed...and so did I. Then losing change. I miss my Jack and Ethan as much today as 2 years ago...and the pain of losing Zac also feels like it happened just yesterday.
    I am praying for you. I am praying as you will continue to ask questions and could you not. This is such a confusing time of life. I am so very sorry!!!! Grief becomes this strange, unwanted companion...yet it becomes a piece of who we are while we mourn our sons lives.
    I wish I could just give you a great bit hug.