Today was a day I was and was not looking forward to--my post-partum checkup. I remember thinking about how that would be--taking a newborn to the appointment, finishing up nearly a year of relationships formed throughout the pregnancy...I never dreamt it would be like it was. I seem to say that a lot, don't I?
I wanted to have this day come because if I get my OB's clearance, then that goes to Shady Grove next week for my appointment with Dr. Kipersztock.
I dreaded this day coming because I knew it meant I'd be in the same place that had so many memories--memories that now choke me up.
When I got there, as always, the staff was wonderful. They asked if I wanted to just go straight back to a room because Dr. Polko was running behind. They were considerate of how sitting in the waiting room may be. I decided to tough it out--after all, it's Matthew I miss, and he wasn't there. I DID miss seeing Matthew's picture on the boards, and teared up a bit over that, but went back to my cool new super phone and really didn't even realize an hour had passed. Thank God.
In the exam room, I pulled my hankie out, just hearing Dr. Polko's voice in the room next door. I looked in the magazine rack and saw a couple of magazines. And that's when I lost it...because there was also a child's Dr. Seuss book...yep, it was One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.
My little Red Fish...I cried for him. Cried and cried and cried. I don't think I even cried for me, but for him...who he would have grown to be and what his life would have been like. I called Mom, and she cried too. What I wouldn't give to have my little Red Fish with me...
Dr. Polko was, as per expected, amazing. She cried with me, smiled for me and most importantly, loved on my picture of Matthew. I showed her how big his feet were and we laughed. I told her not seeing Matthew on the board broke my heart. Of course, I didn't think that they put pictures of babies who only lived a few hours up there. IMMEDIATELY, she said, "Honey, just give me a picture....he's one of our babies." Let me tell you how compassion truly makes the world a better place. I gave her my favorite picture of him, the one at the top of this blog where he looks like a perfect angel. She honestly made my day.
The exam was fine. She doesn't think the residual upper-abdomen pain is anything but abdominal muscles still strained and told me to still just be easy if need be when it hurt. Everything else was great, and I was given the clearance for all prior activities--Dyson, here I come! I told her we were going back to Shady Grove next week and would try for a brother or sister. She hugged me again and told me that she saw no reason for that not happening.
Then, she did something that made my heart swell and break at the same time. She gave me Matthew's baby spoon--a little silver spoon given to the moms who deliver there. Again, she said, "He's one of our babies," and we both cried.
Nothing takes the heartache away, but don't doubt friends that compassion surely helps soften it. I am very blessed with so much compassion from so many people.