Sunday, January 3, 2010

A little ashamed...

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." - Romans 5:2b-5

This was a friend's Facebook status today. Here I wrote yesterday that I thought I was doing all that I was supposed to in living my life and then very easily and quickly this morning in church did I get the slap on the hand that I needed.

Not only is it not my place to be disappointed in God, I realize that my disappointment and anger, are just misdirected. My pastor told me this morning that someone (forget who) said after losing a child that they were angry...and then the guy was told by someone else that he had every right to be angry--just give credit where credit is due. Death is not what God created us for. It was introduced to us by evil himself, and at that evil should my anger be pointed. And trust me, every day it gets easier and easier to be angrier and angrier. Remembering to whom I need to direct that anger makes me feel better--I know this may sound weird, but I mean it in the way that it surely relieves my guilt and anxiety being totally and wholeheartedly disgusted with the devil than to even contemplate anger at God. Sort of like I feel vindicated in being angry at the devil but anger at God just leaves me hurt, scared and guilty.

John told me yesterday that all of this certainly puts perspective on how fragile and precious life is, and maybe that's what I needed to remember. I admit, I got a little aggravated at him for telling me that because I have ALWAYS known how fragile and precious life is. Remember, *I'm* the one that is constantly consumed with fear of losing my loved ones because I know how easily life is ended. And this is who I was WAY before Matthew was even thought of...I was the one who was writing letters to the editor when I was 7 because I didn't want people to have abortions and their babies to die...boxing up my food (and not just the peas and lima beans) for the starving little boys and girls in Ethiopia. I am the one who people (affectionately, I'm sure) call worst-case scenario Sue because I know how fragile our human lives are. I am the one who has always craved the big, boisterous family get-togethers because I know how fast time flies and have never wanted to miss a second to enjoy my family and friends. I am the one who constantly has given thanks to God for everything--when I find a pair of shoes I was looking for, or remember where I parked the car, I always, always say, "Thank you, Lord for helping me." I am the one who has begged and plead with God for years to make me a mother, to give me the opportunity to have a child and give that child to me, I knew far before we lost Matthew how precious lives are...from conception to the last breath. I do NOT think that is what I am supposed get out of all of this.

Seeing this verse this morning, and seeing that I am commanded to rejoice in my suffering...ouch! This hurts because while I want to do what I am commanded to do, my suffering is so deep right's very hard to rejoice when one feels as if they will never get rid of the lump in their throat or the gaping wound in their heart. But to go from suffering to perserverance, then character and then hope--well, I have to admit I am so thirsty for hope. And take note...hope does NOT disappoint us. Hope does not disappoint us.

So how can I be disappointed in God? I can't.
I miss Matthew so much that I still cannot breathe sometimes. Literally. I can't swallow, I tear up and I just can't breathe. I want to crawl into my bed and just cry. I think if I allowed myself, I'd literally run out of tears before I lost the motivation to cry...I want that baby in my arms so badly, I feel like I'd make just about any deal out there to have him. (Yes, I realize this is part of the bargaining stage) My heart feels like it will just explode and I feel like my world has come to an end.

But I have to say, in all of this...I still feel like this is a test...and tests have winners. I have hope that if I just hold up my end of the deal, as impossible as it seems, and continue to try and glorify God and show that even in devastation, we survive...I'll win.

And hope does not disappoint. It seems like it does, friend...beleive absolutely, positively SEEMS like it does. But without it, there's nothing...and that just can't be and isn't true. My fear is that we don't realize that unless we stay the course. The course, though, is hell and easy to fall from.

BUT....hope does not disappoint.


  1. Tests do have winners and you, my friend, are a type A, go get 'em personality. You go get'em and win! Don't let Satan have this win. Praying....


  2. You are already winning, Lori. Even when it doesn't seem like it, that is part of the winning. This is a test I just didn't want you to ever take, dear friend.
    It is "nice" to be chagrinned every now and then by other's words. A dear friend of mine continually does so for me through her blog.

  3. Lori,
    You are the biggest winner I know of! God is so lucky to have you beside him, for there is never enough people who stick with him through the toughest of times. He my friend is Lucky to have you, John and Matthew in his faith,path and footsteps. I am very sure he is extremley proud of such a wonderful, loving and giving family, such as you, that he has created. You are all in my thoughts and prayers EVERDAY!

    Lots Of Hugs,


  4. Please don't stop blogging. I don't know you, but heard about your blog via a friend. I am so sorry for your loss. I am rooting for you and rooting for your faith. You are an amazing mom. Please know that you have a lot of people praying for you and your family. Matthew's story and your story is, and will continue to be, inspirational. Hang in there. -Katie

  5. Lori,
    Just wanted you to know TODAY, right NOW.. that I was thinking of you and John.. praying for you!! Praying for you daily...
    Love ya tons.. and know that you are being wrapped in HUGE hugs of prayers... :)

  6. {{{hug}}}
    Your blog redesign is beautiful. Your post is challenging to me. I've always taken comfort in knowing that God is big enough to handle my anger and i sometimes picture myself being held in the loving arms of my Daddy as I kick and scream and beat His chest and He just keeps on loving me through the storm. But you are right that death was never His plan and it's a convicting statement to be careful about where I'm placing my anger.
    Praising God that Christ's victory shines through you even in this darkest hour. {{{hug}}}

  7. Oh I know that feeling of being unable to breathe. It's awful.

    You are such an inspiration - you make me examine my own relationship with God and want to do better. God is definitely not the cause of the death of our babies. The hardest thing for me to grasp was that He could've healed her, but for whatever reason, chose not to do so. I just have to keep reminding myself that while He didn't ordain her death, he knew it would happen, and He worked that into His plan. In addition, her life, as well as Matthew's life, had so much purpose, so much more than we could understand.
    You are an amazing woman.

  8. Your post said so much of what I am going through right now. Thank you for sharing!! We will fight to hold on to hope...and believe that it is not just a comfort word! And fight against the devil. Does he not realize that even though we have lost babies...we have gained eternity with them so long as we remain with God! Yes, we are angry...but we will have forever with love! Heather

  9. Your journey reminds me of Langston's Hughes' "A Dream Deferred" Here is the poem:

    What happens to a dream deferred?

    Does it dry up
    Like a raisin in the sun?

    Or fester like a sore--
    And then run?

    Does it stink like rotten meat?
    Or crust and sugar over--
    like a syrupy sweet?

    Maybe it just sags
    like a heavy load.

    Or does it explode?

    ---- Don't let the unfulfilled dream of Matthew's life bring you down. You touch lives every day. Right now, you are evolving and changing. You can determine what happens to your deferred dream.

    Although I have not lost a child, I find comfort in your blog. I have lost all the joy that I have had in my career and it was a great dream that I feel is lost to me. You remind me to focus on what is important in life. You are a very talented writer. Have you thought about publishing your writing in a book?

  10. You don't know me, but I want you to know that amazing people of great faith throughout history have been angry at and questioned God after tragedies happened....please don't be hard on yourself, God can take it, and you are working through it. My heart hurts for you and for your husband, your Matthew was a beautiful boy....just know that you will be happy again someday, you will laugh, you will love a child. You won't be the same person, but life will have joy again at some point, and God understands your anger. Until then, just get through each day, and know that many people support you and are praying for you.