As I drove to church this morning, that same nearly-crippling fear that I tend to be having these days just overcame me. Will John be safe? Will the baby be safe? Is he okay? Will we be here a few more years? If we aren't, what will we do about the houses? Will Dixie be okay? What will I do as my poor Matthew grows up in an increasingly God-less world? What would happen to us if something happened to John? Is healthcare reform going to make already bad healthcare even worse? What are those crazy North Koreans going to do? When and where will the next act of terrorism be? And so forth...I'm talking just overwhelming, heat-flash inducing panic and fear and anxiety...anxiety and I are certainly well past the "getting-to-know you" stage, and probably have been since birth. I've been really trying very hard, though, to just not worry and not stress because I want no extra stress for Matthew. How does one literally turn her brain off, though, and just stop thinking? Because really, sometimes it seems all I think about is anxiety producing.
So...in Sunday School, not even 15 minutes after my hot flash, what do I read? Phillipians 4:6 -- Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Can it get any clearer? Right before? Phillipians 4:4 -- Rejoice in the Lord always. I say it again: Rejoice!
I always joke that I'd love for God to just write me a note here and there and let me know what He wants me to know. Yep...He's that good and I feel great.
I know I wrote that having a human being move around inside was weird and I still stand by that. I want to add though that it is absolutely amazing also. Matthew has been hiccupping and it's just unbelievable that I have been given such a gift and am able to experience it. I often say that pregnancy is just a means to an end for John and me to be parents...and it is. But I don't ever want to forget what an amazing and miraculous means to an end it is. Just thinking that there's a little human inside who is floating around and dependent upon me is a feeling that I never thought I would have, but more than that, such an awe-inspiring one. I am so humbly and truly thankful to God that I was given this miracle of life I don't even know how to put it into words.
While this mush and gush *may* be hormonally inspired, it is nevertheless true...I do not know what I've done to deserve the sweet baby boy I am carrying, but I'm so thankful for him.