Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Study

When Matthew died, I was lost. Just lost.

I was alone, even though there were literally hundreds of people emailing and calling and sending cards and basically offering to me (and John) anything we could possibly think of needing.

I felt like it was John and me...we were the only ones in the world who knew what losing Matthew felt like.

We were.

But we weren't the only parents who had ever lost a baby. Sadly, in a few minutes of searching on the computer, I found out that there were SO MANY babies who left their parents far too soon. More specifically, there were several mothers who wrote about and shared their experiences and I can not express how grateful for that openness I was.

I wasn't alone any more. There were others who shared similar experiences and were asking the same questions and feeling the same things I was. I found some of them on a wonderful website called Hannah's Prayer. This is a Christian site for infertility, but as so many of us who have suffered infertility know, pregnancy loss is often part of the road traveled. On this site, I came across Heather...and was SO grateful for her blog and her story and just her ability to share and to support. She and Julie were putting together an amazing outreach program through Grieve Out Loud, and I joined their team--looking for support and to be supportive. What a blessing that has been! I also came across, through Heather, Katy and all she does In Hannah's Honor. Again, such a blessing of resources from those women--mainly in the blogs and stories of others who I could relate to and who related to me.

And then...I became part of the Anchored By Hope Bible studies...The Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy study that was specifically designed for pregnancy loss. Each week, I'd do the study questions and scriptures and then share with several other women every Sunday night.

I can't explain how the fellowship and support of this Bible study helped me through so many, many rough days. I had to ask and answer questions I didn't necessarily want to, and I was able to hear the heartache and healing of others as we all processed the "New Normals" we were living. I got so much out of the study, I took it again right after the first one was over...I just needed to continue to be supported in my questions and thoughts, as well as the fellowship that comes from being in a group of those who TRULY get it.

I know the answers and insights and support from those women and those sessions truly were what enabled me to come to a place where I could function every day with hope...hope for reuniting with Matthew, hope for being able to smile again one day and really mean it, hope for the joy of another child...just hope. It is a very aptly named ministry. More, it reminded me that even in those very days that I felt alone....I wasn't.

I am honored to be able to lead the spring study, which will start on March 6, 2011. If you are interested, or know someone who may be, please have them go to the Anchored By Hope page and fill out the information to join. There are only a few spaces left, but there will be another study in the summer as well if this one fills up. One can participate with a phone or video through Skype. The sessions will be on Sunday evenings, from 6-8 EST.

I have to say, I am just grateful for the opportunity, and grateful for the amazing blessings this ministry provides. As ever, just grateful.

On Birthdays, Expectations, Mirrors and Other Things...

At this time a year ago, I think Dr. Shonekan and I were talking over Matthew's survivability. We both agreed that there would probably be some issues due to his blood loss and associated loss of oxygen. Probably not too much later, the amazing pediatrician on-call, Dr. Hickey, and I were also discussing his survivability...what had happened, how he was such a fighter...how he'd rallied.

No one...

No one...

NO ONE expected he'd die.

And if they did, they were gracious enough and sweet enough and compassionate enough to keep that from me.

Because I had NO DOUBT that baby boy was going to live. He was going to prove to be even more of a miracle than I already knew he was. He was going to be the reason I had been a teacher...and one with a special affinity for special needs children....because it was God preparing me for how life with him might be.

We'd be grateful, grateful, grateful.

And then Dr. Hickey was called away...and she didn't come back. I know now she was called away because she was receiving information from Georgetown.

Information she didn't want to have to give. Information no one wanted to believe.

He was not going to live.

I don't remember much, admittedly. What I remember is random and based on what medicine I'd been given for the emergency surgery, iffy perhaps for accuracy.

What I remember the most is that God let me down. He betrayed me. He betrayed my trust. He betrayed my faith. He did not intervene and He broke His promise of a little boy with spaghetti all over his face for me to love and raise.

I was numb and I was shocked and I was in denial. And while even then I didn't believe that God had broken my heart, I sure as heck didn't care...because at that time, whether he allowed my heart to be broken or broke it didn't really matter. The bottom line was that it was broken. And has remained so for 365 days.

Will remain so for the rest of my life.

Today John and I marveled at how fast a year has gone. We talked about how much faster it would have gone if he was here, because I think we all know that children grow at astronomical speeds.

Well, the living ones do.

I did pretty well in church, all things considered. I prayed last night and before church to just make it through without crying. I was almost successful...right as I was leaving the dam broke, and thankfully, for just a bit in the car. We took flowers to his grave and shivered as we realized how it seemed like it was yesterday and a million years ago at the same time...how our life doesn't seem so different than it did a year ago and how it has been changed in the most dramatic way forever. Someone had left a sweet ornament at his marker and I was immediately touched by the remembrance that had been shown.

We got home and I crashed. I was tired and just tried to nap. I was somewhat successful.

We did not do anything big for his birthday. In fact, we didn't do anything.

I planned to make cupcakes for the hospital. I planned to bring them and some hats I've made today after church. I planned to send out blankets and hats and stuffed animals to Georgetown's NICU. John says that it was so clinical and could use some warmth. I planned to have already bought the rocker for our local hospital nursery. We've been planning to get the granite bench for his marker for months and months, but never have the right car when we go by the statuary. I planned to have some tradition set so that Luke will know that even before he was born, Matthew's place in our family was worthy and meritorious of tradition, whether he was here or not. I planned to have his remembrance cards out in the mail already. I planned to eat chocolate cake.

So when thinking about what I've 'learned' this year, I realize that plans are worthless.

They don't always happen the way you want them to and that's just the way it is. Whether it's because of something you did or didn't do...some basic things still remain.

Matthew is dead. He's not coming back. Nothing I do or don't do changes that and anything I do or don't do is really and truly for me and for John.

And we are ok with getting the things I'd planned to do done as we feel we can. (Which, the over-anxious Lori inside of me is screaming, better be SOON!)

I've also learned a lot about expectations...and how they really just have too much power in our lives. We've been sorely disappointed in our expectations of some and unbelievably and overwhelmingly surprised and grateful for things said and done by those that if we are honest, really did not expect much of. We've learned that we are happiest when we expect nothing and are just blessed beyond belief with whatever people are capable of being and doing.

I really and truly believe that people do the best they can, just as we have, and though it's easy for us to say what we'd do in certain situations, we often don't know until push comes to shove.

Push certainly came to shove this year...and we are ok with the roles that the people in our lives play...while sometimes we may wish it different, we also understand that just as we don't have any rule book for how to grieve a child, there's not really a rule book for how to deal with people who are grieving a child. So we try to be graceful and understanding and share our hurts with only one another so that we can behave the way we hope God wants us to behave.

I looked in the mirror today. I saw a face I haven't seen in long time. I'm grateful that it has been a long time since I've seen it, but I admit, seeing it again just sort of instantly transported me to every hellish moment I've had this year.

It was my eyes. They were tired and sad and just defeated. I was sort of surprised that I saw that look...I really did and still sort of feel like Matthew's birthday was going to be a hard day more because people are so thoughtful and caring and recognized and remembered it...and in doing so, sort of forced me to have to think about it with every hug and kind word or email. Of course, that's necessary, but hard nonetheless....and I guess I was just surprised when I looked in the mirror and realized the toll that had been taken.

The mirror doesn't lie, does it? It's been a hard year and my face shows it.

The thing I remember most from the day Matthew was born and died was how I felt about God...and how I felt God felt about me. And John.

And now, a year later, I can say that I don't feel betrayed anymore. I don't feel like my faith was shattered. Mostly, I don't feel that He broke His promise to me.

I feel like I'm able to more understand what His promises are. He gave me a beautiful, beautiful baby boy. He made me a mother. He surrounded and still surrounds me with people who comfort me and care for me and support me in a way that I often can hardly believe. He promised He'd never leave me or forsake me...and the fact that I continue to breathe is proof that He does. He promised He'd supply me with all my needs. I've not even known what they were...and yet they've been so abundantly met this year. He promised victory over death, and though I have to say that Matthew's death most certainly stings still...it stings because I ache for him...not because I don't believe that it's been conquered. I sometimes feel like taking a big victorious breath when I think about how amazing that is.

He promised His grace would be sufficient. It absolutely has been.

He promised eternal life...far longer than the life on this earth...and through sacrifice none of us can imagine.

He is faithful and His promises can be believed and trusted.

So, of all things planned and wanted, one thing we've decided to do is put our Christmas tree up on Matthew's birthday.

I was not keen on Matthew's birthday being lumped together with Thanksgiving or any other holiday/day for that matter. Again, the best laid plans...

In any event, we will put up the Christmas tree every year on Matthew's birthday. I want Luke to know that it is because of the miracle sent to us in a tiny baby boy we will one day see our precious boy again. When he thinks of putting up the Christmas tree, I want him to always remember we did it on Matthew's birthday...and we did so because we remember, celebrate and honor the sacrifice God made to ensure we will one day be reunited.

And we'll eat chocolate cake.

Missing my sweet boy....grateful for his birth and his life.

So Much Going On....

Again, I have eight million and four things that I'd *like* to write about, and about half of those, I feel like I *need* to write about because I don't want my lack of motivation to go through the tears of writing to prohibit me from documenting things for Luke. I feel like in the last few weeks, that's been happening more and more. So, Luke, sorry. Mommy's doing her best to keep it all together. I'll bullet so I don't forget what I want to write about and then hope in the next few weeks, before you are born, I'll get to them.

• Luke's shower was amazing. He is a very loved little boy and John and I were once again reminded of how blessed we are. Also want to write about the precious surprise shower given by my sweet Bible study ladies.
• Luke is 32 weeks today. Unbelievable.
• Haven't forgotten about Women of Faith.
• Haven't forgotten about the many, many sweet gifts that have been sent for Luke (and Matthew).
• Decided to post about Matthew's room. Just have to get the pictures together.
• Have more 'thank-yous' running around in my head than I can even begin to number, and just want to make sure they are known.
• Grace is sufficient. Even when you don't believe it. Or feel it. Or know how it's possible. It is. I swear.
• Things I've not felt the need to do...

That last one is really a big one running through my head. This is the week of "One year ago...." and yet, it's not. Technically, of course, a year ago, I was two days away from my due date (and BEGGING him to come and be on time!!!!). Tomorrow is an ultrasound for Luke (usually Mondays, but shaking things up with the holidays) and a year ago tomorrow, I saw my precious Matthew wiggling around inside of me for the last time. He was an itty bitty peanut, according to the ultrasound, but it was a wonderful ultrasound. We laughed and joked about how hopefully I'd not come back the following week because he'd be born...which he was. I brought pumpkin spice cake. The best pictures were of his sweet feet because he was so cramped...but those sweet feet were so present on screen and in my side, I could almost kiss them RIGHT THERE!

In two days, one year ago, I saw Dr. Shonekan and we scheduled Matthew's induction. It was set for November 30, and I'd be 41 weeks. This year, in two days, I again have an appointment to see her...for a NST for Luke.

In three days, I sat at the table with Mom and John and Andi and had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner. Still no Matthew, but a phone call asking if I wanted to come in the next day and be induced. I shook with fear. John was giddy with anticipation. This year, we'll probably put up the Christmas tree and plan on *Thanksgiving* dinner the next day with all of the sweet family we have coming in.

And then, of course, in just a few days, a year ago, Matthew was born. And died. And my heart was broken.

But here's the thing....though these are 'markers' and milestones, I don't feel compelled to do big things. These days will probably present a bit more emotionally for me, but honestly....I miss Matthew with the same intensity every single day. Whether it's a holiday or a milestone/marker day or just a random Thursday...I miss him and think about what would have and should have been every single day. I know it may sound weird...but I think these next few days will sort of be like any other day for me...another day where I try to remember to breathe and take in the blessings of everything I've been given and cling to promises.

Basically, more desperate days where I go to sleep at night not having a clue of how I made it through, yet knowing that not only did I, but I was able to laugh some, even if I cried a good bit too, and able to exist with my heart in a million little pieces but each sliver sprinkled with such joy and anticipation for Luke, I can't get over it.

And that's how I know His grace is sufficient.

So similar...and so different....

One of the things about having pregnancies so close together is that it's not too hard to remember how things were and compare them to how they are. Even if you don't want to, you just can't help it.

So, periodically, when my heart can take it, I go back and read about how things were with Matthew at this point (23 weeks!) in my pregnancy with Luke. Because as much as it shouldn't be too hard to remember...it's painful and my brain just doesn't always let me go there. I am so, so thankful I wrote as much as I did, and I wish it was more. Every time I read one of my posts about Matthew, I feel motivated to write more about Luke so that I have every morsel of him available to me whenever I want.

Then life gets in the way and I just need to make the time.

Last July, I was 23 weeks with Matthew. We saw Dr. Sweeney at 23w3d and yesterday, with Luke, we saw Dr. Sweeney at 23w0d. I love that I had appointments with both of the boys at this point. So many things similar....but so, so different, obviously.

Luke looked fabulous yesterday! Dr. Sweeney (who was very, very missed these last few weeks!!) said Luke was a very easy, easy baby to examine and was just adorable. (I have to agree!) He was measuring at 1 lb., 4 oz. (52%ile and 4 ounces heavier than Matthew did at this point) and had really full little cheeks. He definitely has my chin and it is getting more and more pronounced to the point that you can see the dimple and I again am so thankful for that in him because it is one of the most precious things I loved about his brother. I thought about going to one of the ultrasound places for a 4D video, but honestly, I get the same pictures at Dr. Sweeney's (better, I think!) and it feels like hanging out with your family watching the baby there!

I haven't gained anything; in fact, I went back to about 108, but honestly, I think the prior weeks were a little fluffed from cruise indulgence. Luke's gain is just lovely, so that's what counts. The heartburn is way worse than it was with Matthew (probably because I'm carrying so much higher!) and sleep is evasive. John tells me every night that he hopes I sleep well. I thank him and then say, "I just hope I sleep." Of course, I type this as I've been up since 5 am because that's not happening, but that's ok...I can nap if need be.

It turns out that there was no UTI (but took the medicine anyway), but Dr. Shonekan's office wants me to come in on Wednesday and test again to see if anything is going on. Dr. Sweeney isn't the least bit worried--he said that a lot of time there is white blood cell contamination in the clean catch samples and as long as there was not any bacterial growth (there wasn't), he'd not worry.

So I'm not. Honestly, I am not worried (much) about Luke. I'm more worried about something happening to John...and that seems to be getting worse and worse, but I was telling a friend on Sunday that I really and truly have been blessed with a peace about Luke and his little life. She told me that she could actually see that on my face.

So when you see pictures and see happiness and joy, know that it is the grace of God, pure and simple.

That joy and lack of anxiety lives with such a deep and drowning heartache every day...and wins.

That's grace. That's mercy.

Here are a few pics!

22w6d...not thrilled to take a picture because we were about to give the dogs a much-needed bath, but John insisted...

Luke...look at those cheeks!

"I wanna rock and roll all night!"

Sweet little grin...

Practicing his swallowing...in the middle of a swallow!

"That's all, folks. No more pictures, please!"

(For the record, this is SUCH a familiar face...I've seen it on my grandmother and my mother and in the mirror many, many times!)

Like I said, I had an appointment with Dr. Sweeney yesterday at 23w0d with Luke and last year with Matthew at 2323d...and I am so glad that I have similar pictures. There are definitely similarities in the boys--especially their penchant for keeping their hands up by their face and their chins. Luke (on the right) has fuller cheeks and Matthew had his Granddad's eyebrow structure. Love, love, love the pictures I have. I am so grateful for them.

Here's what's going on with Luke this week:

Week Twenty Three: Sense of balance develops

You are 23 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 21 weeks) He or she measures over 28cm and weighs up to 550 grams. The baby is over 11 inches tall, weighs about a pound. The eyebrows are visible. The child can successfully suck. Bones located in the middle ear harden. Your baby does a regular 'workout' inside your womb. He or she turns from side to side and head over heels. Thanks to a fully developed inner ear, which controls balance, your baby may have a sense of whether he or she is upside-down or right side up in the womb. Skin pigment is now forming. The fetus is now proportioned like a newborn except it is a thinner version of a newborn baby since its baby fat has not developed much yet. The pancreas, essential in the production of hormones, is developing steadily. Baby has begun producing insulin, important for the breakdown of sugars. If born now, your baby would have a 20% chance of survival, the odds going up with each passing day. By this week, your baby weighs a little over 1 pound (500g). Its crown to heel length is 11 inches (28cm).

Nine Months Isn't Just For Pregnancy...

It also can denote how much time has passed since your pregnancy ended, you gave birth to your son and he died.

At least for me, today, it does. Nine months ago...on a different Sunday, my precious boy left this earth.

How is it that he's been gone almost as long as he was with me? How is it that so much time has passed and I'm still breathing?

I went to Women of Faith this weekend with Nanci (will write more on that at another time...need some time to decompress, process, assess and reflect) and though I don't remember the context of this conversation, we were talking about how people say things like, "I don't know how you are doing it...if it happened to me, I'd ________________."

And the fact is that no one can really say how they'd react to something if it happened to them because honestly, one just does not know.

I'll tell you how I know this.

Before Matthew died, if I had contemplated what happened to us actually happening to us, I can guarantee that I would have said, "I would kill myself."

I've never been suicidal, never felt the need even in my darkest, darkest days to hurt myself and don't feel it is any answer.

But before Matthew died, I loved him so much that the thought of something happening to him truly would have made me consider it. I would have told you that I wouldn't want to live. And I would have meant and believed every word.

Some days, if I am really honest, I still feel that way...that without him, I just don't have that will to press on. Still don't have the desire to hurt myself, just don't have the will to press on.

Which is where the supernatural grace and mercy of God come in to play.

Because though I thought I would have wanted to die without him, I don't.

For nine excruciating months, I've pressed on. I've been given strength and ability that just defies logic and understanding. I've been given joy and hope and feel firmly planted on a path of restoration.

So when you look at me and see strength or bravery or courage or just about whatever it is that you see, please know it is not me.

It is solely the grace of God. Left to my own will and ability, I'd be nothing, have nothing and show nothing.

My heart aches at how quickly nine months have passed and yet how long the rest of my life without Matthew seems. While our time on this earth may be just a blink of an eye, when viewing it in light of not having your child with you for the rest of it, it seems like eternity.

Nine months.

Nine months of a new life I never wanted.

Nine months of learning how to navigate that life.

How so ironically it juxtaposes the 'nine months' of pregnancy.

Missing my sweet boy...

Oh, the frustrations!

So close, and yet, so far...our home study is STILL not done, mainly because we want the numbers our CPA verifies to match the numbers in the home study. The information for the home study was in February, CPA (who is VERY STRICT) is using numbers from April 30, and it is common for the financial numbers to need updating to match as they are often done at different times and money situations change even in a couple of months. The big thing, though, is like I said, our CPA is VERY particular, a trait I admire, but a trait that is also causing me and Ally some frustration. In our income letter, she uses median income info from 2006--which is the most current available (and she parenthetically says that it is the most current available) but Ally said NO WAY because it is 2006 and this is 2008 and the CPA letter doesn't even need what year the info is based on but our CPA is putting it there anyway. I emailed her and asked her to just word it as based on the most current data available and leave out the fact that it's from 2006. If not, then well...heck. I don't know. We've already sunk a ton of $$ in her, I REALLY like our CPA, and she and Ally have had several conversations that I wish I was a fly on the wall for based on each participant's side of the story!! Funny, though, Ally said to just let her keep calling her and she'll argue for me. I don't know how far that will get me, though, because it seems as if there is no love lost between the two. Who knew?

On the name front, John actually used the words, "Emma Grace is a nice name, Lori." Which, I must say, is about as much as I have ever heard from him on any name opinions. I like it a lot too, but I still like Jane a lot as it would honor my mom. Emma Grace would be Strong, All Consuming, and in the Divine Favor of God. Emma Jane would be Strong, All Consuming and the feminine form of John--which is The Lord is Gracious. They would both be very appropriate. So....of course, at this rate, I'll have TONS of time to think about it. Ha ha...and I planned to have my dossier in by June 14th. Ahh...silly me and my thinking that I had any control in anything.

Oh, and I'm just watching now NBC declare Obama as the democratic nominee. Guess we know who our president will be in November. Look, whatever your political beliefs, it's my blog and I can say what I want to say. I TOTALLY respect those who may have opposing ideas, and truly feel that is what makes our country great. Bottom line is that I am not really thrilled with anybody for President--though I am a conservative (Baptist, no less), pro-life, military spouse who believes in prayer being allowed in school if children so choose, I am also (or would like to consider myself) an educator who realizes the SEVERE lackings in school, a woman frustrated with the disparity in our country between the haves and the have nots (and I blessedly consider myself a have) and don't necessarily feel PETA goes about getting their point across in the most appropriate ways, believe wholeheartedly in the humane treatment of all animals. I prefer the Washington Times to the Washington Post but also have NPR on in my radio fairly regularly. Not to mention that I read John McCain's book and consider him a true American hero, but I worry about his age. I love the fact that he considers himself a Reaganomics man (yep, I loved Reagan) but also really appreciate Obama being faithful in marriage for all these years. Regardless of who wins in November, I will do as I have done every night before I go to bed. I will pray that God grants them the wisdom and compassion they need to take care of our wonderful country.