Monday, November 22, 2010

So Much Going On....

Again, I have eight million and four things that I'd *like* to write about, and about half of those, I feel like I *need* to write about because I don't want my lack of motivation to go through the tears of writing to prohibit me from documenting things for Luke. I feel like in the last few weeks, that's been happening more and more. So, Luke, sorry. Mommy's doing her best to keep it all together. I'll bullet so I don't forget what I want to write about and then hope in the next few weeks, before you are born, I'll get to them.
  • Luke's shower was amazing. He is a very loved little boy and John and I were once again reminded of how blessed we are. Also want to write about the precious surprise shower given by my sweet Bible study ladies.
  • Luke is 32 weeks today. Unbelievable.
  • Haven't forgotten about Women of Faith.
  • Haven't forgotten about the many, many sweet gifts that have been sent for Luke (and Matthew).
  • Decided to post about Matthew's room. Just have to get the pictures together.
  • Have more 'thank-yous' running around in my head than I can even begin to number, and just want to make sure they are known.
  • Grace is sufficient. Even when you don't believe it. Or feel it. Or know how it's possible. It is. I swear.
  • Things I've not felt the need to do...
That last one is really a big one running through my head. This is the week of "One year ago...." and yet, it's not. Technically, of course, a year ago, I was two days away from my due date (and BEGGING him to come and be on time!!!!). Tomorrow is an ultrasound for Luke (usually Mondays, but shaking things up with the holidays) and a year ago tomorrow, I saw my precious Matthew wiggling around inside of me for the last time. He was an itty bitty peanut, according to the ultrasound, but it was a wonderful ultrasound. We laughed and joked about how hopefully I'd not come back the following week because he'd be born...which he was. I brought pumpkin spice cake. The best pictures were of his sweet feet because he was so cramped...but those sweet feet were so present on screen and in my side, I could almost kiss them RIGHT THERE!

In two days, one year ago, I saw Dr. Shonekan and we scheduled Matthew's induction. It was set for November 30, and I'd be 41 weeks. This year, in two days, I again have an appointment to see her...for a NST for Luke.

In three days, I sat at the table with Mom and John and Andi and had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner. Still no Matthew, but a phone call asking if I wanted to come in the next day and be induced. I shook with fear. John was giddy with anticipation. This year, we'll probably put up the Christmas tree and plan on *Thanksgiving* dinner the next day with all of the sweet family we have coming in.

And then, of course, in just a few days, a year ago, Matthew was born. And died. And my heart was broken.

But here's the thing....though these are 'markers' and milestones, I don't feel compelled to do big things. These days will probably present a bit more emotionally for me, but honestly....I miss Matthew with the same intensity every single day. Whether it's a holiday or a milestone/marker day or just a random Thursday...I miss him and think about what would have and should have been every single day. I know it may sound weird...but I think these next few days will sort of be like any other day for me...another day where I try to remember to breathe and take in the blessings of everything I've been given and cling to promises.

Basically, more desperate days where I go to sleep at night not having a clue of how I made it through, yet knowing that not only did I, but I was able to laugh some, even if I cried a good bit too, and able to exist with my heart in a million little pieces but each sliver sprinkled with such joy and anticipation for Luke, I can't get over it.

And that's how I know His grace is sufficient.


  1. You make me love you more and more. Luke and Matthew will love having these words to look back on, but I think they'll love just having you more than anything. I don't think there are many people that I admire quite as much as I o you, but the way you mother and the way you love inspires my heart to try just that much more. Even with a broken heart, you love so much bigger and with so much more of yourself. You'll be the mom every kid wants to adopt as their own. They'll be begging Luke to let them come for dinner or sleepovers because they'll just want to be around that kind of spirit. And it makes me weep. Of course Matthew's in your everyday sorrows and joys. Of course. But it's still almost a year since I fell in love with Matthew and because of him, you. It's almost a year since perfection joined your family. We will all be celebrating that and we will all continue to miss him as well. Always. xoxoxo

  2. Simply beautiful. I know the days ahead will not be easy but know that you are in my toughts and prayers always ((HUGS)). You are a wonderful mommy!!!

  3. always always thinking of you Lori , my heart is with you every step of the way. keep going, because as difficult as it is , and i know it is, like you say so well his grace is sufficient. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  4. Lori,

    Lifting you up right now in this moment and in the days to come. I understand all the mixed emotions that you are feeling and also with keeping things simple. And I pray for your heart, truly I do.

    The journey of a BLM to a Rainbow is filled with such joy, yet such pain...the two collide and do co-exist. Yet, it is through our FAITH that we continue walking forward. As you said, "his Grace is Sufficient"

    Sending you love. You, John and your family will be close to my heart this Holiday season.


  5. Hi Lori !

    Just to say that I will pray for you and think about you and your husband and little Luke and your angel baby Matthew.

    Love Angie

  6. His grace is most definitely sufficient. Love and continued prayers for you walk this path, balancing sorrow and joy.

  7. Thank you for checking in on me! I wanted to drop over, let you know I read every word, but I haven't been commenting many places lately.

    I'm just so worn out right now.

    Much love to you and your boys.

  8. what a beautiful post and person you are -- the next few weeks are going to present with new emotions, challenges, and spiritual lifts... lift you high and shining in the light of the glory.... matthew and luke have an amazing mommy....

  9. Maybe the coming days will be like all the others, but still I'm thinking of you and praying for you in the days ahead. I'm definitely with you - we miss them intensely EVERY day. I'm not much into making a big deal of markers or milestones myself. There are too many sad ones, but I don't make a big fuss even about happy ones. It's all about taking it a day at a time - celebrate when you can and cry when you need to, regardless of what the calendar says!

  10. Always, always, always praying.

  11. Yes, His grace IS sufficient. Sometimes, I don't know how I get through the days either, but I get through each and every one. Day by day. Week by week. Month by month. Now, year by year.

    I hang onto hope, just as much as I hang onto the loss.......

    Beautiful post...... Your family is blessed to have you.

  12. Beautifully written!!! You are such an amazing woman and a huge inspiration to me!!! Thank you allowing me to be part of you life!!! Sending you all my love and prayers! xoxo

  13. You always have a way with words and express so clearly what I am thinking in my head. *hugs*