Monday, July 9, 2012

What's Next?


Great embryos and great doctors and great lining and great transfers and great EVERYTHING do not always equal great success.

This is why I often get under-my-breath infuriated when I hear things like, "Why don't you just do IVF?"

Because it's not "Just doing IVF."

There's so much involved in an IVF cycle that people's minds would spin if they realized what we who do it actually go through.

How much medicine is involved.  The toll that medicine takes on one's body.

How much it costs.  The program we are in is mega-expensive.  Then you throw in medicine on top of that.  Luke's first and maybe second year of college already spent.

And hey, don't forget about the toll on one's heart.  Because trust me, it's huge.

Hope is beautiful.
Hope crushed is really, really painful.

IVF is not the automatic guarantee one will get to bring a baby home that so many think it is.  It's not popping into the doctor's and walking out pregnant.

And even if that easy, it sure as heck is no guarantee that one brings that baby home and gets to raise it.


THREE fresh cycles and TWO frozen.

Do the math.  Look at my life.  Tell me if those numbers add up—If I'm just not "doing IVF" right?

Anyway...this morning's test results were obviously negative.  As perfect a scenario as could be...and still negative.

So we are at a point of decision.  We still have 5 more fresh cycles we can try.

NO WAY.  That's another $25K in MEDICINE alone.

Not to mention my heart.

John would like to do one more fresh cycle.  I told him that I had one more in me.

One more where I could maintain hope...excitement...a positive attitude.

One more for which I am willing to put my already very tender heart out.

Just one more.

So many people have been very, very kind in telling me how brave I am and how strong I am.

Really, it's just self-interest, I promise you.

The reality is that I am willing to ONCE again put my heart out because the pay-off is so amazing.  That little boy I hug and kiss all day long is the most unbelievable joy in my life.  In John's life.

Yes, we want more of THAT.  I want to be able to give more of that to John.  To Luke.

To have for me.

Look at this miracle cleaning up on his half-birthday.  Can you blame me?

I am completely, completely ok with accepting that may never happen...that Luke is the only one we get to raise.  He's MORE than enough, as I tell him over and over.

The opportunity for more is here though, and I am so much more fortunate than so many that I can take advantage of it, so I will with a grateful heart.

But only one more time.  That's all this heart can take.

Funny, it seems like I say that a lot...I can't take much more.

But there it always is...more.

I start a new cycle within the next two weeks.  Please keep us in prayer over the next month or so.


  1. I'm so sorry this one didn't work out, Lori. Big big hugs. <3

  2. 4May I ask why they seem to rush you to the next cycle? What if you took a break from it all for a few months? Is that not good? I have no idea I just really want it to work for you. So sorry it didn't this time again. Luke is so precious in those pictures! Just want to squeeze him! Love & prayers for you!

  3. Ah Lori, I'm sorry it didn't work out this time.

    Sending hugs, love and big wishes your way.


  4. I am sorry the perfect scenario didn't work out. Your posts are so beautiful, and remind me that I also have a little more in sure isn't easy.

  5. I'm so sorry Lori. I was hoping for you.

    Give yourself some time today to grief and reflect. You're absolutely right that IVF is simple (mentally, emotionally or physically), so healing is important. Sending hugs and love.

  6. i am hoping so much for this next cycle for you. big hugs to you.

  7. I'm so sorry this cycle wasn't the one. Holding you and Jon in my prayers as you prepare and begin the next cycle.

  8. I am so sorry it didn't work. :(

  9. I was thinking of you yesterday as I went to bed knowing that you would be testing today. Im sorry it hasnt worked out this time round. You are so brave. xx Amelia

  10. I am so sorry but wanted to wish you the best moving forward.

  11. A mommy who has lost two sons does have a tender heart and my heart is heavy with you for this cycle turning out negative. And I understand how it is bitter sweet to say that your one living lovely son, is enough. Amen, he is enough! But I know you still want the joy of another baby to raise here on Earth (until you meet again Matthew in Heaven). Please know I am praying for your strength as you move foward to do another cycle. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and letting me heal through you journey.

  12. I am sorry this wan't THE one...but I am hoping for you that the one more, is the one for you.

  13. No words, just love and continued prayers for beautiful you. And, thank you...for baring your heart and soul with truth, always.

  14. so, so, so many prayers for you!!!