What's Next?

Well.

Great embryos and great doctors and great lining and great transfers and great EVERYTHING do not always equal great success.

This is why I often get under-my-breath infuriated when I hear things like, "Why don't you just do IVF?"

Because it's not "Just doing IVF."

There's so much involved in an IVF cycle that people's minds would spin if they realized what we who do it actually go through.

How much medicine is involved.  The toll that medicine takes on one's body.

How much it costs.  The program we are in is mega-expensive.  Then you throw in medicine on top of that.  Luke's first and maybe second year of college already spent.

And hey, don't forget about the toll on one's heart.  Because trust me, it's huge.

Hope is beautiful.
Hope crushed is really, really painful.

IVF is not the automatic guarantee one will get to bring a baby home that so many think it is.  It's not popping into the doctor's and walking out pregnant.

And even if that easy, it sure as heck is no guarantee that one brings that baby home and gets to raise it.

FIVE TRANSFERS.

THREE fresh cycles and TWO frozen.

Do the math.  Look at my life.  Tell me if those numbers add up—If I'm just not "doing IVF" right?

Anyway...this morning's test results were obviously negative.  As perfect a scenario as could be...and still negative.

So we are at a point of decision.  We still have 5 more fresh cycles we can try.

NO WAY.  That's another $25K in MEDICINE alone.

Not to mention my heart.

John would like to do one more fresh cycle.  I told him that I had one more in me.

One more where I could maintain hope...excitement...a positive attitude.

One more for which I am willing to put my already very tender heart out.

Just one more.

So many people have been very, very kind in telling me how brave I am and how strong I am.

Really, it's just self-interest, I promise you.

The reality is that I am willing to ONCE again put my heart out because the pay-off is so amazing.  That little boy I hug and kiss all day long is the most unbelievable joy in my life.  In John's life.

Yes, we want more of THAT.  I want to be able to give more of that to John.  To Luke.

To have for me.

Look at this miracle cleaning up on his half-birthday.  Can you blame me?

I am completely, completely ok with accepting that may never happen...that Luke is the only one we get to raise.  He's MORE than enough, as I tell him over and over.

The opportunity for more is here though, and I am so much more fortunate than so many that I can take advantage of it, so I will with a grateful heart.

But only one more time.  That's all this heart can take.

Funny, it seems like I say that a lot...I can't take much more.

But there it always is...more.

I start a new cycle within the next two weeks.  Please keep us in prayer over the next month or so.