Thursday, July 19, 2012

Adoption Loss IS Loss!

I'm not really sure how to write what I have been thinking about for the last 24 hours.

I mean, other than the pain in my ....


Anyway, the whole reason I started this blog four years (gasp) ago was because we'd come to the point in our family-building that we'd decided to adopt.  We started down the path of Russia, then looked to Kazakhstan, then our agency convinced us that the new Kyrgyzstan program was for us.

Little babies.
Beautiful little babies.
Fast process.
Great program stability.

Um, yeah.  And an ocean front house in Malibu with every baby adopted.  Sure.

The babies WERE beautiful.  So many different ethnicities creating such beautiful, beautiful children.  Sign us up! We started the process,  I started this blog so I could keep record for my little one to read about one day, met lots of other moms and dads from this country, as well as others and were on our way!

And we all know how it didn't turn out....about a week out from our expected referral, the country closed.  A year and a half...all that money...and again...we spent another Christmas without a little one looking at the twinkling lights.

Obviously, this 'setback' was what made us decide to look into Shady Grove's Shared Risk program, and obviously, I am beyond grateful we did.

But don't love hearing, " worked out the way it was supposed to!"

Two dead babies for me and a country full of orphans stuck without the full-time love and support of families who so desperately want them?

Don't tell me that's how it was supposed to be.

ANYWAY...of course we are grateful for what we ended up doing...and grateful for the lives I've been honored to carry.

But we still miss what could have been with that little girl we named Emma.  I remember the day I woke up (do you remember, Terri?) and KNEW that was the day she'd been born...I just knew it.  I felt it.  I went to school, was giddy, and couldn't contain my excitement knowing that the little girl we were going to adopt was born and somewhere across the world, waiting for me.

Then again, we know how my gut works, so....whatever.  The bottom line is that we were in love with what we thought would be.

And heartbroken when it wasn't.

But I admit...of course loss can't be compared and I don't know why people do except they are just not validated enough in their feelings and they feel like they have to create their own validation. Sad for so many on so many levels.  Regardless, as sad as I was, John and I were SO thankful we had *not* gotten the referral yet.

Had not gotten the glimpse of her...who she was and what she looked like and how she would fit in our family.

Because to have seen that and lost it....well, we know how that feels and it is just life-changing and painful beyond painful.  We were glad that we had not actually been told that our child was just waiting for us to come and get her.

Especially since that wait would go on for at least three years.  Or more.  To be blunt, we were grateful we were not as attached as we could have been just a few weeks later.

Attached like 65 other families I knew were....families who had gone to Kyrgyzstan...met their children...held them.  Loved them.  Imprinted what those babies felt like in their arms.  Families who had no choice but to move Heaven and Earth to bring them home—even if that meant putting out insane amounts of time and money and heart day after day after day.

This last few months has been hard on those families.  Sadly, children have died while waiting.  Heartbreaking.

Other families have had to drop out—for whatever reasons—and I cannot even begin to imagine how hard those decisions were.

Other children have become 'unadoptable' and that in itself has been a travesty and devastating to the adoptive parents.

But some...some have been able to have their families—families who have been waiting for three or more years to come back and get them—go back to Kyrgyzstan and continue the process, as their moratorium recently was revoked.

Some are LITERALLY days away from those children being theirs forever.

And then another blow.  Another moratorium.  Who knows if they will be grandfathered in?  Who knows if they will be able to bring them home?

I want to scream for these families.  I can't imagine.

Yes, I've buried a baby.  I've lost another's heartbeat inside of my body.

But death, though devastating and not final in my beliefs, IS final on this earth.

There is no wondering what Matthew is doing in another part of the world right now.
There is no wondering whether or not he is hungry.
There is no wondering whether or not he is tired or cold or just needs his mama to hold him.
There is no gut-wrenching pain knowing that he COULD be in my arms but the politics of another country are keeping us apart.

I am just sick to my stomach because I know how much it hurts missing your child...feeling the ache of knowing that family members are missing.

But I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel for those families—who are there in that country or about to be and may be told that those beloved and prayed for children will STILL not be able to go with them...that when they leave those children, they may never see them again and it's NOT DEATH that is stopping that.

Death can't be controlled.

But politics can.  And that's heartbreaking.

Please, please, please pray for those families and those children.  I am laying all I have to God and begging Him to have mercy on those parents' hearts.  I know just a little, in a different way, how much they are grieving right now, and the weight of that pain on their hearts is crushing mine.  Please pray that these children will be grandfathered through and these babies will finally, finally be able to come home...that these parents hearts will finally be able to heal.

Please, just pray for that country and orphans everywhere.  The thought of Luke being alive, and yet, me not ever being able to hold him again literally has me crying my eyes out right now.  Pray for all mothers and fathers who may suffer that as their reality.


  1. You have a heart of gold. Sometimes I just cry when I read your blog. I pray for those families and those kids every day and not many days go by that I don't shed a tear for my sweet beautiful Alek Manas. <3

    1. I can only imagine friend. The joy of what we have can't ever erase heartache of little lives never to be held by us. Never forgotten. xoxoxo

  2. IT is hard to believe it has been four years since we to had our hearts crushed when Kyrg shut down and still most babies are not home yet..So sad and heartbreaking to hear of the recent news again !!! Never
    a day without thinking of those families and children.

  3. We lost an adoption between Julia and Rauan. Actually it was what spurred us onto Rauan. You are right--I still 8 years later wonder about that little boy, how he is, what he is doing. It gives one very mixed emotions--I wish he was here with us, but at the same time we wouldn't have Rauan.
    The whole thing is ridiculous!! Government power plays that play, manipulate, and destroy the lives of families. I realize I am one of the "lucky" ones--but it just makes me so mad. I know my lost boy is happy and healthy--I have been able to keep some tabs on his situation--but I can't even imagine what these other families are going through. I would have literally lost my mind by now. Always always ALWAYS--these families and their children are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. My niece's second adoption failed due to the birth father threatening to fight. It wasn't worth the possible pain and the birth mother feared that he would be harmful to the sweet boy that she decided to parent. But it was my niece who was there for the delivery and parented for that first week in a hotel room, alone waiting for the DNA results. What a difficult experience. But she does know that he is loved and safe, which is such a blessing.

  5. I'll be praying for these families and these children...

    We've looked at adopting but at the end of the day, my heart can't take the ups and downs...


  6. Just read this and my heart broke! You are so right, Lori and this happens daily! Adoption is so near and dear to my heart and I am forever in prayer for the families and children that will become involved in this process... as well as praying for the women who give birth to these precious babies. So many children need loving arms to hold them and make them safe... so many families can offer that and desire to so deeply. I often wonder how the 'politicians' that spread this red tape so very thick would feel if their child were starving, cold and alone. Prayers for these families, children and these countries, always. xoxo!

  7. Can't even imagine.

    I'm adopted - and before I came along for my parents (adoptee number 2) there was an 'incident' where they became invested with a birthmother, traveled to see her, and she backed out.

    My Mom has only mentioned it a few times (when we're talking about IF - which she did not have) but when she talks about it's in such detail despite it being 30 some odd years later I know it was heartbreaking.

    I've never lost a child but I've lost a parent (not the same thing, I know) and while that sucked there's a finality to it. You're in a boat, others are in your boat, and you don't have to watch some people get out of it out of pure luck.

    Anyhoo - visiting from ICLW and it's amazing what you've been through.

  8. I remember Emma. :( I'm so sorry that dream didn't come to fulfillment for you and John. I remember playing word verification games. I even had a dress I saved for "Emma". Hard.

    Word verification: sssuppl as in "Let's get some supple [supper], I'm starving." See, I was never as good at this as you were.

  9. Then I get "Treach" as in how my son would likely spell what a teacher does. :) Hugs, friend!

  10. Praying for these families. It is so hard to explain the devastation of adoption loss but you hit the nail on the head. I know my babies in Heaven are safe and in the best care. It is final on this earth. I don't know that about our sweet Samuel. Infact, right now, I know he is sick and I can't care for him. It is heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing about these families. I'm praying for the parents and children too!