One definition is the reliance on the ability, integrity or strength of something or someone or something; confidence.
Another is the confident expectation of something happening.
To me, those definitions are pretty far apart a lot of the time.
When people tell me to "Trust in God," I say, "I do."
And I do.
But that doesn't mean that I'm confident that what I expect to happen will happen.
Actually, it sort of does, I guess. I guess I've gotten to where I sort of expect the worst to happen and am just overjoyed beyond belief when it doesn't.
I know that people mean well. I do. I know that there is freedom in just laying things down at God's feet and saying, "I just can't do it all. I need you."
But I also know what it feels like when I say that...and still, I bury my son.
I lose his baby brother for no reason too.
I know that trusting in God does not mean that He's always going to let what I want to happen happen...and sometimes, when people give that statement to me, it seems so...well, pat.
So easy..."Oh, just trust God. It'll all work out."
Yeah, it does. But for some, not without great, great, great devastation and heartache.
A lifetime of longing.
Unanswered questions that I just stopped asking because there is no answer that I can live with comfortably on this earth.
I took Luke to the doctor yesterday. He's been running a fever for several days, and with no other symptoms. Frankly, he has been PITIFUL.
Because he has hydronephrosis, if he runs a fever of 101 or higher, I have to have his urine tested to rule out UTI. He's had four fevers in his life—two (low grade, never over 100) with strep throat in February and in May with Hand, Foot, Mouth. One other time—his first fever—came on at night and was gone by morning.
My point is that we have not had many fevers, and certainly none (thankfully!) that we've had to have urine tested for...
Until yesterday. There were no other symptoms, no exposure to anyone with anything, and he was running around 101.7 for several days. Yes, he was teething, but the doctors said that teething fevers are lower and inconsistent...they felt this was more. And, given his history, we had no choice but to test his urine.
My poor boy. He was miserable to start, but let me tell you that holding him down while they did that broke my heart. I cried and cried.
I didn't cry at any vaccinations. I didn't even cry when he was 2 months at Children's and had that horrible VCUG done. I don't really cry much with him and doctor visits because I'm confident that he's going to be ok.
I'll walk out with him alive.
But I cried yesterday because it was just so pitiful and I hated him having a fever and not knowing why.
His urine came back with elevated proteins and ketones. Ketones elevated are normal because he's not been eating (at all) or drinking (much). But the proteins concerned the doctor because it could be indicative of something more involved with his kidney.
Again, it's common to have elevated proteins in urine when sick...and especially in little ones...but when co-morbid with an already diagnosed kidney condition...well, I got nervous.
The doctor said not to worry just yet.
God was bigger than anything, and this was not even a for-sure something yet.
But really, I didn't care. My baby boy was running a pretty significant (for him) fever, did not have a UTI, and could have some kidney problems.
And I was sick to my stomach.
I do not know what would happen if I lost him.
He is our world.
Yes, I lost Matthew...and Trey...and am surviving.
But because of Luke.
My sweet little Luke. He is exactly what God's healing feels like on this earth and without him, I don't know what we'd do.
We were so, so blessed to get pregnant with him when we did....to give us hope when our world was so dark. Luke, our bringer of light.
I remember daring God to heal my heart...dared Him to make it new. Knew He couldn't after losing Matthew.
But He did. He gave us Luke and reminded us that He is good and we can be happy.
What if I didn't have Luke? What if Luke died? What then?
What could He possibly do that would help heal that loss?
I trust that I'd survive.
But I wouldn't want to. And wouldn't try to. I know myself well enough to know that.
All of this may seem extreme to some...and in light of more results today (no UTI, proteins were low and not initially indicative of anything more—will find out for sure on Tuesday what the urologist thinks), my being sick to my stomach yesterday was not necessary because Luke is feeling better.
Fever broken. More energy. Still won't eat (except Lucky Charms) but at least is drinking and more like himself.
Yes, that's a Lucky Charm Marshmallow in his hair. Don't judge. Desperate times call for desperate actions!
But like I said...I admit I have trust issues.
I'm working on them.