Friday, July 27, 2012

Trust Issues....

Trust is a tricky word.

One definition is the reliance on the ability, integrity or strength of something or someone or something; confidence.

Another is the confident expectation of something happening.

To me, those definitions are pretty far apart a lot of the time.

When people tell me to "Trust in God," I say, "I do."

And I do.

But that doesn't mean that I'm confident that what I expect to happen will happen.

Actually, it sort of does, I guess.  I guess I've gotten to where I sort of expect the worst to happen and am just overjoyed beyond belief when it doesn't.

I know that people mean well.  I do.  I know that there is freedom in just laying things down at God's feet and saying, "I just can't do it all.  I need you."

But I also know what it feels like when I say that...and still, I bury my son.

I lose his baby brother for no reason too.

I know that trusting in God does not mean that He's always going to let what I want to happen happen...and sometimes, when people give that statement to me, it seems so...well, pat.

So easy..."Oh, just trust God.  It'll all work out."

Yeah, it does.  But for some, not without great, great, great devastation and heartache.

A funeral.
A lifetime of longing.
Unanswered questions that I just stopped asking because there is no answer that I can live with comfortably on this earth.

I took Luke to the doctor yesterday.  He's been running a fever for several days, and with no other symptoms.  Frankly, he has been PITIFUL.

Lethargic.  Whiny.  Clingy.  Not eating.  Not drinking.  Just pitiful.

Because he has hydronephrosis, if he runs a fever of 101 or higher, I have to have his urine tested to rule out UTI.  He's had four fevers in his life—two (low grade, never over 100) with strep throat in February and in May with Hand, Foot, Mouth.  One other time—his first fever—came on at night and was gone by morning.

My point is that we have not had many fevers, and certainly none (thankfully!) that we've had to have urine tested for...

Until yesterday.  There were no other symptoms, no exposure to anyone with anything, and he was running around 101.7 for several days.  Yes, he was teething, but the doctors said that teething fevers are lower and inconsistent...they felt this was more.  And, given his history, we had no choice but to test his urine.

My poor boy.  He was miserable to start, but let me tell you that holding him down while they did that broke my heart.  I cried and cried.

I didn't cry at any vaccinations.  I didn't even cry when he was 2 months at Children's and had that horrible VCUG done.  I don't really cry much with him and doctor visits because I'm confident that he's going to be ok.

I'll walk out with him alive.

But I cried yesterday because it was just so pitiful and I hated him having a fever and not knowing why.

His urine came back with elevated proteins and ketones.  Ketones elevated are normal because he's not been eating (at all) or drinking (much).  But the proteins concerned the doctor because it could be indicative of something more involved with his kidney.

Again, it's common to have elevated proteins in urine when sick...and especially in little ones...but when co-morbid with an already diagnosed kidney condition...well, I got nervous.

The doctor said not to worry just yet.
God was bigger than anything, and this was not even a for-sure something yet.

But really, I didn't care.  My baby boy was running a pretty significant (for him) fever, did not have a UTI, and could have some kidney problems.

And I was sick to my stomach.

I do not know what would happen if I lost him.

He is our world.

Yes, I lost Matthew...and Trey...and am surviving.

But because of Luke.

My sweet little Luke.  He is exactly what God's healing feels like on this earth and without him, I don't know what we'd do.

We were so, so blessed to get pregnant with him when we give us hope when our world was so dark.  Luke, our bringer of light.

I remember daring God to heal my heart...dared Him to make it new.  Knew He couldn't after losing Matthew.

But He did.  He gave us Luke and reminded us that He is good and we can be happy.

What if I didn't have Luke?  What if Luke died?  What then?

What could He possibly do that would help heal that loss?

I trust that I'd survive.

But I wouldn't want to.  And wouldn't try to.  I know myself well enough to know that.

All of this may seem extreme to some...and in light of more results today (no UTI, proteins were low and not initially indicative of anything more—will find out for sure on Tuesday what the urologist thinks), my being sick to my stomach yesterday was not necessary because Luke is feeling better.

Fever broken.  More energy.  Still won't eat (except Lucky Charms) but at least is drinking and more like himself.

Yes, that's a Lucky Charm Marshmallow in his hair.  Don't judge.  Desperate times call for desperate actions!

I know many who are going through much worse with their children and I feel sort of silly being so dramatic...letting my mind go there when I work SO hard to try and prevent that.

But like I said...I admit I have trust issues.

I'm working on them.


  1. Amen for you being so honest and open ! just a little insight i guess as to how we all have trust issues when we have lost a child no matter what gestation :(
    I still do the whole @is he breathing@ check on his baby monitor at night... I still panic when he hurts himself , I still overprotect because like you ... our children are our reason to carry on, to live and survive without too much thought into it. to just try and get through the day. Without that.. well.... morbid thoughts enter my head... trust issues ... yes... a whole whole heap of them. thank you for being so honest and for sharing. saying things that sometimes just dont get said.

  2. I feel like I always have that panic hidden in my heart. It takes the smallest thing to bring it out...

  3. So sorry you are going through this. I pray Luke gets better and it isn't anything to serious. If it helps, I had kidney and bladder issues all during my childhood. Kidney reflux was my issue. Doctors can do so much and I pray they find the exact remedy for you precious boy.

  4. So so so been there and done that. You do much better than me, I go there every time, even if it is just for a minute or two. I pray for both of us that it isn't always this's exhausting!

  5. God bless you! I have trust issues too & crazy my mind flies random places in such small situations!!!

  6. Hello from ICLW! I hope Luke feels better soon!

  7. Sick is scary. I'm glad he's feeling better. Praying for you.

  8. (((((hugs))))) my heart goes "there" so much more than i ever admit. xoxoxox i'm praying

  9. I totally, totally get that you are surviving because of your beautiful Luke!
    Thinking of you all, and hoping that he is feeling much better, with a clean bill of health very soon x

  10. Your honesty is refreshing and I appreciate it. I, too, grapple with trust issues. Some days I think my trust is completely shattered and some days I think maybe I can grasp onto some shred of the ability to trust again. And I, too, understand the reality of living for a surviving child. I often wonder what I would become if it was not for my son. Thanks for sharing and I hope Luke continues to mend!

  11. Every time Aut has been sick I feel sick too, I have near panic attacks thinking about taking her to the doctors, I honestly don't know how to handle it yet except a Xanax to stop the's a horrible feeling and I think all of these exact thoughts...u r never alone...hoping he is much better by now and you can rest your head...I love you hon xoxoxo

  12. Lori, I call these my daymares (like nightmares but usually during the day). They are the scary what-if complete horrible scenarios that run through my head when my living son (who is 19 months) has any sort of ailment or bump on the head or a strange reaction to a fall or what have you. My heart also nearly sinks to the bottom of what must be the deepest hole when I imagine him leaving this Earth to go to Heaven with his two day old brother and his little sister (from a miscarriage at 8 weeks). Daymares are hard for my spouse to understand -- let alone someone who has all thier children living. I don't know what makes daymares better. But like you I cry out to God and when I feel that desperation (even if shortlived) I am comforted knowing that others are praying for me and on my behalf. That helpful and fortifying peace that comes from knowing someone is saying your name, your Heavenly babies' names and your living child's name to God is a great comfort in daymares. I would encourage you to ask those who care about you to pray for you when you experience this understandable anxiety. And your anxiety is understandable. Somehow it helps even though the daymares don't completely go away and they continue to occur (that is just the way life is now). Unfortunately, after such losses fear and anxiety are not rational. Thank you for sharing your post.