So, I know sometimes I say or write something that others may see differently.
I mean, I can't be right all of the time, can I?
In seriousness, though, I have to say I can't stand the usage of the word 'journey,' sometimes.
As in, "What a journey you've been through," or "This journey of yours has been quite amazing."
Honestly, I do NOT feel like the last three years have been a journey.
To me, a journey is something we have a choice in—decide to go to college? Maybe a journey.
Decide to get married? Maybe a journey.
Decide to change careers? Maybe a journey.
Decide to keep breathing as you walk away from your dead baby's casket on a cold December day?
Decide to keep breathing?
Love for your husband and hope for the future.
But journey? Just don't know....
I meant it because I was (gasp) sucked into the last couple of Bachelorette shows—the home visits and her choice.
I nearly gagged as they talked about this amazing 'journey' they were on and wanted to continue.
So romantic. So idyllic.
I don't know...so unrealistic.
Over the last few years, people obviously have shared many of their lives' stories.
Some call them journeys.
That's ok! Their words and lives to define!
Some even tell me they wouldn't change a single thing because though the 'journey' was difficult, so much was gained from it.
I think that is wonderful. Truly. I think it is a wonderful thing for people to be grateful.
It's just not me.
Do not doubt for one.single.second that I'd not choose this life I live.
It's a GREAT life. An AMAZING life. A life that I give God thanks for over and over and over throughout every day.
But it's a life where my babies died. I had to bury one and have another mutilated and sucked out of my body.
And there is not a day that goes by that if given the choice, I'd not choose for it to be different.
Every day, I'd choose for Matthew to have lived.
Would Luke exist?
Would Trey exist?
I don't know.
But honestly, when people imply that I have to be ok with Matthew being dead because if he'd lived Luke wouldn't exist (and maybe not Trey either), I just....
Well, I bristle.
To me, that's like telling me I should be completely able to take a living Matthew and a living Luke, throw them both in the ocean and then choose one to save.
So, no, the euphamism of life being a 'journey,' is not one that fits me.
To me, life is a gift.
I may make choices that put me on different adventures and journeys (HELLO! Marry a Marine and definitely prepare for a journey!)....
When I make those choices, that's when I'll call them journeys.
When things happen to me that are clearly out of my control, I'll endure and survive.
With as much gratitude as I can.