Monday, June 11, 2012

It's Only Been Two Months...

Sometimes I just can't express how much a 'random' kind word or thought means.

Especially when it may seem it's not really necessary anymore.  When one seems to be ok with things; maybe even back to 'normal,'; there's really no need to say something, is there?  Why bring up old wounds and stir the pot again?

The thing is, even if one 'seems' great...'seems' like they are just fine and all is well, so often, it's just the face they are putting on because they know it must be worn.

If it's not, people will worry.
People will tell you how you should be (or not be) feeling.
People will worry about how you are interacting with your living child.

You will just worry about what people are thinking of you, so it's just easier to wear the face.

So it is always so nice when there are those who do not do any of that...those who randomly email you and let you know that THEY know it's only been two months.

That two months ago, I walked into Dr. Sweeney's office thinking we might get a prediction for Trey's gender, and walked out with a broken heart.  Again.

It's not that long, two months.  It seems like it's been longer, and yet, it seems like just yesterday we saw him sucking his thumb on the ultrasound at Dr. P's office...wiggling and thumb-sucking.


I am so grateful for that message.  She who sent it knows who she is, and she sent it because she gets it.  I am grateful.  Thank you, friend.

I'm taking the estrogen shots every third day for the upcoming transfer.  The yucky thing about a frozen transfer is that there are so.many.shots.  More than a fresh cycle, at least in my case, and the drugs are in oil, which is always so much fun to inject.  The needles are bigger and I feel the side effects more than I do when doing a fresh cycle, for some reason.  I had my baseline ultrasound on Thursday and it was great.  As they were counting my follicles, the tech said, "Wow.  This is a great AF count for a fresh cycle!"  She mean that if that was an antral follicle count ultrasound, to see how many little possible follicles-to-eggs I had, I'd rock it.  She counted 23, and I always end up with a few more during the course of the cycle, and for my age, that is not too shabby.

I hope I NEVER AGAIN have to do that type of ultrasound again.  I'm tired of counting eggs and praying they hatch and I bring home the chicks.

Anyway, just had to get that out of my head—the gratitude for remembrance.  It's just the most supportive thing ever to have people share our excitement at the possibility of these embryos we are transferring growing into sweet little people we get to raise, while at the same time, sharing our sorrow and recognizing that our loss is still so fresh.  Our losses, that is...our losses are still fresh.

It's not even been 30 months since we lost Matthew.

So long ago...and yet still feels like I was just at his grave, shivering in the cold and saying goodbye to a sweet little boy I'd waited my whole lifetime to meet.


  1. Those random, thoughtful comments always mean the world. Remembrance from others.
    Those who care enough to let you know it's okay to be sad missing those gone far too soon.
    So valuable and precious.


  2. Love you....always thinking of you.

  3. (((((((((((((((((love you))))))))))))))))

  4. You are so right...when you break it has only been a tiny fraction of time despite the yawning gap you feel in your heart.

    Always, always thinking of you.....

  5. Love you, Matthew, Luke, and Trey. Your boys are so lucky to have you as their momma. I think of and pray for you often. I am praying so hard for this next cycle (and I agree that FET shots are the WORST!). I wish I could give you hugs in person. I hope we can meet for lunch again soon!!!

  6. Continued love and prayers as you walk this path.

  7. Just sending you, your boys, and John some love and praying this FET is one to culminate in a bring home baby! Hugs sweet friend!!!

  8. Praying for you! I'm asking the Lord to have mercy on you and to give you the desires of your heart.

  9. Lori,

    Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you.