Applicable.
I called the lab today to see if all my loss testing results were in. They were and i had them faxed to my nurse at Shady Grove. She was having a crazy day because there were a few nurses out of the office and she was covering, so I told her not to worry about getting back to me with the results unless there was a reason to.
I know that if anything came back as other than normal, she'd have called me.
She didn't call.
My assumption is that all the results came back as within normal limits.
Not that I expected anything to be found, really...but...nothing wrong means nothing to fix.
Nothing you can feel like you have a handle on.
Nothing wrong means there really, really, really was no reason for Trey to die.
I was sick. Doctors always say the baby will take whatever it needs from you, and that's true. However, it can only take what you have. Strep throat, Norovirus and bronchitis back to back for the entire first trimester took its toll on me...so it stands to reason it took its toll on Trey.
I took medications, though pregnancy safe, that could have hurt him.
Who knows?
I'm not blaming myself. I couldn't have done anything differently.
Guilt never leaves, but rest assured, I don't blame myself. I tell people all the time that they are no more in control of some of their bodily functions than they are eye color or hair color.
I feel the same about getting sick. How could I have stopped that? How could I not treat those illnesses? If I'm unwell, the baby will be unwell. Not to mention, I have a little boy that depends on his mother.
I wish things were different, and while there is no way to prove that being sick or taking any medicines is what ended his life....there is no way to prove that it didn't.
And finding NO issues anywhere....backs that up. Sometimes, all there is to say is that it stinks.
It just stinks.
BUT...it is somewhat reassuring. If I am blessed to find out in three weeks that I am pregnant again...at least I know what I *theoretically* don't have to worry about, right?
Nothing wrong means nothing to fix, but it also means nothing to fear.
Nothing known, that is...
I've been reading here for over a year and a half now and have never posted, but tonight I wanted to say that I am hoping beyond hope for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteNothing to fix = nothing to fear...I should take a dose of that advice myself.
Bittersweet, indeed. I remember feeling similarly when I was dx with "Unexplained Infertility". It was nice to know it was nothing that would completely prohibit us from becoming parents but tough because it also meant there was nothing to zone in on and fix. It was hard for me to have faith in IVF when I felt like I was just throwing spaghetti at the wall and hoping something would stick.
ReplyDeleteSending mucho hugs and kisses your way!
This gave me chills. Words from my blog looked at in a different light. That is the beauty of having an outlet where other's know what you are going through. Maybe not the exact same...but enough where you can "get" each other and pick them up. Nothing to fix...nothing to fear - I am fighting back tears just thinking about it. That's what I need to think about and pray about. I have done all I can and have to leave the unknown alone. Thank You.
ReplyDeleteWell put, but still so hard to have to think these things....big hugs and lots of baby sprinkles xoxoxo Love you
ReplyDeleteIt really does suck, darling. I am so, so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are not blaming yourself though. That is such a relief.
I am sending you lots of love and hugs! xoxo