It wasn’t you who finally made it come true—
My motherhood.
It wasn’t you who gave me the first taste of kicks and wiggles and squirms; bulging belly and backaches and entrance into the coveted Mommy Club.
It wasn’t you I spent hours and hours researching every little thing for…deciding on each item bought so specifically and purposefully.
I didn’t read all of those books for you.
I didn’t see you in that crib…on that changing pad…in that chair…in that room.
It wasn’t you I spent years and years dreaming for.
It won’t be you who enjoys me as a “New Mommy” because I am not.
I am seasoned in a way that many others can’t imagine.
I was your brother’s mother first, and though he is not on this earth, I still parent him.
I love him.
I dream of him.
I miss him.
I grieve him.
So your mommy will not be the same as I would for him.
Because it wasn’t you.
But make no mistake: It IS you.
It is you who gives me hope.
It is you who makes me smile again.
It is you who I now include in my dreams and cherish the thought of every one.
It is you who holds a place in my heart that no other ever will.
It is you I’d again give my life for and it is you who will know me in a way that no other would.
You will know the mommy I’ve become.
The mommy who is so honored to have two sons and so humbled by their presence in my life, no matter how brief it was, has been or will be.
It is you who will know the mommy capable of the deepest sorrows and the greatest joys existing within, and it is you who will grow knowing that in all things, there is a season.
It is you who epitomizes the power of God’s restoration and healing, and it is you that reminds me again and again that He was and is and always will be faithful.
It wasn’t you who first showed me that, but it is you who perpetually maintains the concept.
You will never be him and he will never be you and I am blessed, for I have known and loved you both.
No, it wasn’t you…but it never had to be.
You are both cherished.
My sons.
Very nicely said! You are an amazing Mommy!!!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful blending of sorrow and joy. Reading what is deep in your heart these past few months has been difficult, as your grief has been so palpable. Yet seeing the gradual morphing is a gentle grace to witness.
ReplyDeletejust beautiful Lori, just so sweet and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteOh my Gosh Lori, TEARS CENTRAL...this is perfect, I love you, Matthew, Luke (((hugs))).....im not on the rainbow march, but if i ever was this would be exactly how I feel...im so sorry matthew is not here, but the love you show him is just PERFECT!!! Luke is so lucky to have you be his momma, and all the hope and love he gives you gives ME hope and love too....Luke is getting so big. he was just a diamond ring a few weeks back and now he is the love of all our lives...this was just...just..perfect!!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Lori.... So very beautiful just like you. Your sons are very blessed indeed to have such a wonderful mommy. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI think those of us that lose our firstborns almost have a harder time when we go on to become mothers to our rainbow babies. The rainbow babies aren't the ones that gave us our "mother" titles but they hold a special spot in our lives and our hearts...
absolutely beautiful <3
ReplyDeleteTears came fast on that one :)
ReplyDeleteTrue words.
This brought tears to my eyes...so beautiful and so honest. Loved and love your thoughts. I hope to have my own rainbow baby someday to share those exact thoughts and emotions with.
ReplyDeletebeautiful!
ReplyDeleteCrying a river...what a beautiful way to honor Matthew and Luke. I love looking at their names side by side :)
ReplyDeleteLove you!
I hate when I'm at a loss for words. I want to be completely understanding of the feelings you are going through, yet I know I can't. I don't know anyone who can write her feelings as perfectly as you do.
ReplyDeleteI see Luke as a man, knowing the way his mother loved him and his brother with such fierceness and uniqueness. I see him scooping you up in his arms and telling you how paramount your testimony and guidance has been to him ... holding you close, not letting your feet touch the ground. I love the picture of that. I love knowing that no matter what, love is abundant. I love you and those darling boys and I'm thinking of you always.
That's just lovely.
ReplyDeletexxx
You are so eloquent, darling. What an amazing way to honor both of your sons. Thank you for sharing the deepest part of your heart with all of us once again. You continue to amaze all of us. Love you.
ReplyDeleteThat was absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteOk...I'm stealing this. I hope that's okay. As soon as I started reading it, I was nodding with every sentence and could feel the depth of every word. It's exactly how I feel about Ayden and Collen but have never been able to put into words. Beautiful...hope you don't mind me using it. I'll be sure to give you credit ;)
ReplyDeleteWow, such powerful words! I love how you express your emotions with words. I know that one day, Luke will read this and know that his mama is a wonderfully blessed lady and a blessing to have. Matthew and Luke both know such love and commitment from you!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! So glad you shared those thoughts. I love the term Cindy used in her comment about gradual morphing. I see it too. Just look at the wisdom the Lord has poured out on you as you write. You are truly a blessing!
ReplyDeleteThat was just simply put gorgeous. It is so true of how we feel about our first born and hopefully when the chance is given about our rainbows. I might have to borrow this as well but switch it up just in case this one turns out to be a girl.
ReplyDeleteBawling. My eyes. Out!
ReplyDeleteThat is so perfect and brought me to tears. HUGS to you!
ReplyDeleteLori That is so wonderfully beautiful. The words hit my heart in a very similar way.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing all your joy and your sorrow. Hugs!!!
Wow, Lori -- so very powerful... Your heart is so big, and your arms so ready for your future... i agree with Cindy LaJoy - gentle grace we are witnessing and oh if only we all had your grace... inspirational..
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read - a tribute to both of your boys and your unique love for each. Not to mention the different-but-just-as-important role each of them has played, and will play, in your life. As always, tears for what *should* be and smiles for what *will* be.
ReplyDelete(((Lori))))
ReplyDeleteThank you for such precious words and feelings.
Heather (heathershope - HP)
Lovely Lori.
ReplyDeleteSo beautifully written!!! You are so amazing with your words. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOh Lori--I loved this post. You are a beautiful writer...and an even more beautiful mommy. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment, and thank you for folling my blog! This post is beautifully written; thank you for sharing your heart. Your boys are lucky to have such a great Mama! I know I don't comment much, but I read often and pray for you and your family, and especially Luke. I look forward to watching him grow, both in your tummy and once he's in your arms.
ReplyDeleteLori, you are such a beautiful writer. Tears and hugs for you, dear one.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and very touching. Well said, amazing way with words as always.
ReplyDeleteI ♥ this
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, just beautiful
ReplyDeleteVery moving post, I have no words to explain just how moving.
ReplyDelete(Arrived from the Crème de la Crème list)
This is beautiful.
ReplyDelete(here from creme)