Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Eight Months since I touched his skin...

I'm having a rough day.

Still don't feel well and I'm conflicted. I still am not 100% sure I have an infection, and though I don't feel TONS better, I feel a hair better than yesterday and still wonder if I really need the antibiotic. So, I haven't taken it and I hate not being sure. Most days, "Better safe than sorry," is my mantra, but I don't necessarily know which is the 'safe' and which is the 'sorry'. Medicine we don't need vs. not taking medicine that we *may* need.

I'm not sleeping. That's not unusual, but at least when John is home, I sort of get forced to try. I didn't go to bed until close to 4 am and was back up at 9 for the cable guy.

Which brings me to the next frustration. He came, he did stuff, he said he needed to send someone else out tomorrow (but I don't need to be here), he left, cable is still all jacked up (with the possibility of the internet being lost looming). I talked to the cable company for an hour (and ran back and forth between THREE different tvs on THREE different levels of my house) and was given the resolution of: They'll squeeze me in tomorrow, but I'll have to be here after all and because they are squeezing me in, they can't give me a time frame. Not 9-1, not 1-5....ALL FLIPPING DAY. Good grief.

Mostly, though, my heart aches.

Eight months ago, my perfect and precious little boy was born. As time goes on, I have so many regrets. I regret that I had some of the medicine I did when I was in labor because I think that is sort of what made the time after Matthew was born a bit fuzzy and hours seem like minutes. I wish I had made better use of the time that I could have had with him before he was taken to Georgetown. I only got to touch a sweet little cheek and shoulder...never even got to see his face full-on.

I could not STAND the mess my office has become so, to combat insomnia, I tore it apart and cleaned it up in a major way. I came across the fetal heartrate strips of Matthew's when I was in labor. They broke my heart as I got closer to the end and saw how erratic they were....I'm not and never have been one to put a lot of 'feeling' on a newborn. That's just me, but I really feel like at those stages, it's all instinct and God sort of just leading the way for them...I don't believe there's much cognizance of what is happening in their world, but more reacting.

I deviated from that, though, when I saw those strips for a minute. I just cried and cried thinking about what must have been going through his head those last few minutes...when his heartrate was crazy...then nothing...then back, but so weak...I saw those heartate variations and for just a minute, wondered if he was scared or suffering.

I can't get that out of my head.

Eight months. Time has just gone by in a way I cannot even fathom, yet it still seems so frozen. Flashbacks are still so vivid, and come without any warning or trigger.

I should be taking a picture of him with a sweet little 8 months sign. I should be posting about how he's pulling himself up in the crib and doesn't like rice but loves bananas. I should be taking him to the beach and cleaning sand out of poopy diapers.

Like I said, mostly, my heart just aches.

We wrapped up our Anchored By Hope Bible Study on Sunday and shared our memorials. It was hard to do one for soon after you've left us, but even still, so soon after I did the last one. This time, I just wrote a letter to Matthew with some pictures and Katy did a lovely job putting it in video.

I think it says a lot about where I've been and to where I've come...but leaves me longing still for where he is.

Of course, it also leaves me longing more for where He is, so I continue to cling.


  1. Lori, I'm so sorry. I understand those rough days. I know that doesn't make yours any easier, but I am lifting in you prayer as I type. It seems that otherwise insignificant irritations (like dealing with the cable company) are magnified on days like this.

    Remembering Matthew with tears of my own,

  2. Oh Lori, it does hurt. So. Much. Those flashbacks are awful, and then our minds spirals down to even more awful thoughts and questions. You have always a wonderful mom for your babies.

  3. Oh, Lori....I know those days. Oh, how I know them. They're so hard. I'm so sorry. And not sleeping just makes it worse.

    Your video was beautiful, I'm still crying. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. A lovely, lovely letter to sweet Matthew. I've been thinking about you all day, praying for comfort and peace.

  5. I experience "flashbacks" that aren't even my own memories. Since we weren't with Ayden when he passed, I have horrible images in my head...that I fault Satan with whenever they pop into my head. I become overcome with guilt at even the questions of "was he scared?" or "did he even know what was happening?" or "was he looking for me to help him?" It's hard to push that out of your mind. And then, the true flashbacks come to the ER...the team working on him looking at me with such pity and helplessness. Satan is even so cruel as to bring back a memory of a time when I became frustrated because I didn't know what Ayden needed/wanted....he was fussy and couldn't be soothed by anything or anyone...and I remember being frustrated with him. That one, believe it or not, is the one that hurts the most. I think Satan throws those at us on days like today, for you, and yesterday, for me, because he knows it's a fragile moment for us. I know our experiences are different, but we both have such joyous, beautiful, wonderful memories of our boys that far outweigh the horrible flashbacks that creep in. While they will always be a part of our time with our boys, at least they're momentary. I agree with what another person said...trivial things like dealing with the cable (or moving and my case) can be the one thing that sends us over the edge on days like today. Praying for strength, comfort and encouragement for you today. And thinking of you guys and Matthew...and Luke...always. :)

  6. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I'm having a rough day as well. Still crying over your video. Hope you feel better soon. Good point about 'safe' and 'sorry'. I can never figure that out, either.

  7. Praying for you on this difficult day. Those days really do seem to just sweep us off of our feet. Being sick on top of that does not help. Thinking of you and hoping your day gets better!

  8. Oh wow, I have so many tears as I watched the video. What a sweet way to make more memories of Matthew. These rough days seem to pop up all over the place. My heart aches for you. I too think about the things I should be doing. it is just so hard.

    Thinking of you!!!

  9. I know what you are feeling and saying when you remeber those last moments of Matthew's life. I still agonize over weather or not I should have gone in sooner for an U/S, would we have seen Amelia alive. I cried rivers over what I thought she may have felt in the last moments. And everyone has a 'nice' answer for that like 'peaceful, falling asleep, no pain' but as a mother ~ I don't think that is necessarily true. I will never know until I see her in heaven, but I have to find peace in the world now.

    What I do believe, totally, is that both Matthew and Amelia felt our love for them. That in each moment of being in our bodies, our feelings released hormones that washed over has a chemical effect. So I choose to focus on that, that she was washed in my love each and every moment...even with the last heartbeat and as her spirit left our bodies. I hope that you can focus on something 'reassuring' about Matthew's last moments to hold on to.

  10. Oh Lori, this is so heartbreaking. 8 Months is still so fresh sweetie. I know what you mean about the beach. I have the most GORGEOUS bathing suits for her, about 5 and I keep thinking that SHE should be doing the same *sigh* the "what ifs" the "shoulds" the "wonts" are awful!!

    I teared up reading about the heart rate strips. It makes me wonder too if she suffered. You have read that in my blog. No mother wants to know their baby suffered and to have to see those strips, how can you not wonder. It just breaks my heart for you. That video DID make me tear....It was perfect...the words, the photos...everything...You are doing the best you can...Thinking of you and your sweet miracle!!

  11. That is such a beautiful video. Thinking of you. I have to believe that they did not suffer and that they only felt our love.


  12. I'm so sorry you're having a rough day. I know the feeling. (((hugs)))

  13. Those flashbacks are so hard...I have them come and go too, and it seems more often lately.

    Like yourself, I often wonder what Julia was feeling as she died. I hope with my whole heart that she went peacefully without any pain.

    This all sucks and is so unfair! My heart aches, and I'm missing Matthew with you and hoping that God lifts you up and holds you.

    Love the and pictures always touch my heart so.

    Hugs, XOXO

  14. The flashblacks and those regrets are horrible. I have them very often. So many things I wish I would have done different in my short time with my son. Your letter to Matthew is just beautiful and so touching. Thank you for sharing your wonderful memorial for you son.

  15. Oh Lori... there are some stories that break my heart more than my own and yours is definately way up at the top of the list. I'm so sorry. :(

    It's weird how the jolting flash backs take us back not to the sweet moments interspersed in our pain, but rather to the moments that were the most climactic. It seems unfair, yet I'm terrified that there will come a day when I don't get the flashbacks at all.

  16. I wish there were a way to banish all those thoughts ... I can only imagine the thoughts and pain surrounding the idea that he was in another hospital, away from you. He was wrapped in his Daddies arms, and I know he was only feeling that love and knew he was cherished and adored. Makes me wanna sing that song from VBS, "and if the devil doesn't like it he can sit on a tack!" He can NEVER take any of Matthew with him (and I know that makes him angry) ... so he wants to attack you with guilt and images and ideas of a painful passing for your love. I will pray for those things to dissolve before they appear and for you to place that tack in his path and give him no choice but to sit on it. Much, much love.

  17. I don't know if this will help, but I hope you know I mean to be helpful--medically speaking, I don't think Matthew was scared or in pain. The birth process gives babies lots of hormones that suppress pain, so that they can go through the pushing and squeezing without trauma.

    Hugs to you on this grief-filled day.

  18. oh its just all so sad honey, you are such a beautiful human being, i'm really sorry you are having a rough day, wrapping my arms around you with as much love as i can muster. perhaps we are at the guilt stage of grief, i don't know. all i know is that 'this too shall pass' sending love xxx

  19. May God give your heart peace and rest right now. I am sorry, sweetheart. Grieving takes a long time. I love you and I am praying for comfort for you.

  20. beautiful blog..pls visit mine and be a follower.. thanks and God bless..

  21. Oh, Lori. I just love the letter and video for dear Matthew. I'm thinking about you a ton today. I wonder too if Lily was afraid and hurting when she died or if she was simply taken, painlessly. It breaks my heart to think she may have been hurting.

    I wish you were taking that 8 month old picture today. I wish you had Matthew to play with you while you wait for the cable guy. :'-(

  22. Thank you Lori for a beautiful testimony of faith in the midst of ongoing grief. May you and John continue to rest in the grace of the One who holds you both. God Bless! Pastor Mark

  23. Things a mother should never, ever have to wonder about. Between the post and the video, tears (again) over the unfairness of it all. Not having "been there," I'll just say that hearts ache everywhere for your Matthew. Hoping the cable got figured out (I *can* relate to that battle) so you have one less thing to deal with. While in the grand scheme you know it's not really that important, it can still be the proverbial straw on the camel's back that makes or breaks your day.

  24. Hi Lori !

    What a beautiful and emotional video
    What a wonderful way to honour your firstborn baby Matthew.
    I love your letter to him and it warms my heart that you keep the faith despite your grief, thats a wonderful gift from God.
    I thibk about you and pray for you and John and your second baby that you carry now .