To the (obvious) point that words that aren't really words keep popping to the surface of my mind or my tongue and that's just how I'm rolling these days.
Really, I guess...I'm angry.
Any time people ask me about anger or studies talk about anger or counselors discuss effective ways to deal with anger, I sort of think in my head (and sometimes say out loud), "I'm not really that angry."
And honestly, I haven't been.
Heartsick, devastated, broken, crushed, disappointed, betrayed, confused, aimless...the list goes on and on...
But angry hasn't really been on it.
Why? With or at whom would I be angry? God? I know people are and absolutely I understand why--and I believe without a doubt that He understands this anger as well.
It just never seemed productive to ME--anger in general doesn't really seem productive for me. It makes me more miserable than the person or circumstance with which I am angry, and I know myself (and my genes) well enough to know that I am a grudge-holder of epic proportions. Knowing this, and knowing that I am also driven by guilt (my own and that of others' given to me in the form of never-ending trips)...I just really tried from the start of my life without Matthew to not allow myself to be angry.
In my Bible study, I even said I WISHED I could get angry because I was just too heartbroken to be much of anything but that...heartbroken. At least with anger, I am more motivated to do something--to right the wrong; fight the fight...funnel emotion into finding the justice.
There are some situations in life, though, where that's just not possible.
That's what the last few days have been like--situation after situation after situation where I just can't get over the INJUSTICE. The lack of equity. The sheer UNFAIR factor in life.
Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I can NOT stand injustice. I am the perpetual fighter of the underdog and John and I often even bicker sometimes because I feel compelled to fight the fights that need fighting--whether they are mine to fight or not.
The funny thing about this intense drive is that I am also the first person to say, "Life is not fair...never has been." I have a career's worth of children who will tell you, "Life's not fair...if it was, Mrs. Ennis would be tall, rich and blond," or "We all have our crosses to bear...Mrs. Ennis is short and she deals with it, so you can deal with _________."
Yes, children pay attention to EVERYTHING you say.
My point is that I think I hate the fact that life is not fair because I so strongly know that LIFE IS NOT FAIR and there's nothing that can be done about it.
In the last week, three women I have come to know and love and been honored to follow their story have lost their babies. THREE. All three have suffered so much in loss before...all three have been SO hopeful for their new, restored joy and the reminder of what a bit of happiness and hope feel like.
And all three have been crushed. Again. And are so honorable and valiant in their attitude about it all right now.
But I'm angry. Very, very angry. This morning, as I read the precious words of one, I was just SO reminded of the hours in the hospital with Matthew...telling everyone it was going to be ok...feeling a little ashamed of myself for the melodrama of it all because I KNEW he was going to be ok...I had more faith than I've ever had in my entire life about anything and I KNEW that faith would be rewarded....we were surrounded in prayer by so many people all over the world...and I felt SO betrayed in my faith when John told me he was dying.
Those feelings are really rearing their head again in these last few days.
We had a wonderful long holiday weekend. My niece and nephews and family came out and we had several glorious days on the boat in lovely weather. We played games and had great food (more chicken than I care to remember) and there was chaos in the dogs and the kids and I loved EVERY . SINGLE . SECOND of it.
My sweet little niece at one point even said with pure glee, "Could this day get any better?"
And it was all I could do not to cry...because it just reminded me that as wonderful and glorious and fun those days with family were...someone was missing. A sweet little boy who had an adorable little 4th of July outfit in a tub in the basement--never to be worn. It was a little white overall outfit with light blue pinstripes and a sweet little appliqued red crab waving a flag and firecrackers. I remembered being on that very same boat in the very same water last year and taking pictures and videos so Matthew would always remember his very 1st 4th of July...and as I sat there this year, I desperately prayed that his little brother or sister would not only have one 4th of July....
I got home on the 4th in the evening and checked the computer because I'd not been on it much with the family in town...and I just couldn't believe what was going on...
Everyone went to bed and before I did, I went in Matthew's room and sat in his chair with his little monkey and just cried. Cried for me, cried for those women...cried for all of us who are hurting and won't ever have any more days that couldn't get any better...
And I'm angry. It's not fair and I hate it. I hate that we weren't promised fair. I hate that we weren't promised our earnest faith would yield the results for which we pray. I hate that this life is hard. I hate that it's full of trials. I hate that it doesn't make sense and I hate that hearts can hurt as much as they do.
So I just remember and replay in my head the Natalie Grant song, "Held"...
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held.
Love you, Miss Lori. I can't believe this! It makes me so angry too ... so mad and frustrated and brokenhearted for those mama's. It makes you wanna shake your fists at the sky and demand answers ... but I know their aren't any and that makes me more sad. I thought of you last night while we were at our towns 4th celebration (they have a 5th of July Symphony Above the Clouds). Jillian was sitting in my lap with her eyes closed (afraid of the fireworks and canons) and I was wishing so desperately that it was you. YOU holding your child and soothing those fears. Snuggling under a giant sky ...
ReplyDeleteJust this moment, Jillian is sitting next to me and she saw Matthew's picture at the top of the screen. She said, "lum mooo." (love you) Thought you should know that we all love you and Matthew.
I LOVE that song. Sometimes I have to change the radio station if I'm driving because the tears just stream down my face.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, it's just not fair. The only thing we know is that we will be held when the unfairness knocks us down.
I feel your pain as you sit in Matthew's room and cry. I have done that very thing. I'm sure my neighbors would have called the asylum on me if they'd seen me rocking an urn while bawling my eyes out, but that's what I had to do.
(((hugs))to you and the others who've dealt with baby loss.
and Hugs to Miney...I hope s/he is growing bigger and stronger every day!!
I just heard that song for the first time this morning in fact. It is so sweet. So much tragedy, it seems so senseless. Praying for you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOf course you are angry. We are all angry with you. I wish Matthew were here in that adorable outfit. xo
ReplyDeleteperfectly spoken words...... xoxoxoxox
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is Amen! I have questioned and questioned WHY? and HOW? My heart breaks for you and for all of us. How can it ever be okay? I am thankful for Jesus, because without Him, I know there's no way I could go on. I pray for you and your husband and Miney all the time. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteAnger is such a normal feeling and I can't believe you haven't really felt it before. I have been angry for awhile now and I wish I could get over it. You are such an amazing person and I look up to you so much! You are doing an amazing job with your grieving and you faith is unbelievable. I wish I could have your faith. Mine feels broken! I hope to have it back soon. That song is absolutely beautiful. I love it!!!
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself and know that I am here for you anytime you may need to talk.
I Love you Lori. And yes these things are not fair, but I am learning that there is a silver lining. No i cannot see it right now, but i know it, i feel it and i'm choosing to hold on that. Yes it hurts and i wanted to be angry, truly truly angry, but it's by Gods grace that we aren't. Yes those feelings are there, but that's not it, it's still heartbreak and it's still hurt. But guess what! We will all make it. Why? Because we know that God cannot lie. I know there are promises he has for me, I know that you know the promises he has for you. and i don't mean the ones we read in the bible, i mean the ones god puts in our spirit, the ones that we just know and feel and believe. And b/c he cannot lie, i know that they will come true. It's just that it's not in my time , it's in his. And yes it hurts and of course makes life seem so unfair but i am reminded of this "for we are saved by hope:but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for ?" And so i choose to hold to my hope, to his promises. Not only the hope for me , but hope for you and for all of the other women here who have been dealt a hand that seems unfair. Sending you lots of love. Know that i am okay, and not because of me, but because you prayed for me. (hugs;0))
ReplyDeleteI love that song. There's a line in it that says, "The wise hand opens slowly To lilies of the valley and tomorrow." A friend mentioned that she will always think of my Lily from now on when she hears that song. I also had a fourth of July outfit picked out for 3 1/2 month old Lily. It was adorable. I've missed blogging the last couple weeks since I was on vacation. But, now I'm home and it's good to be back. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on all of that Lori! Thank you for your prayers, love and support. I played that song on repeat over and over after both of my losses and again yesterday as we waited and prayed. And I listened over and over last night to "While I'm Waiting". I continue to honor the God who gives me so much! I may not have the baby I've always dreamed of (yet), but I have a husband who loves me, friends who uplift me, prayers said for me constantly, 4 fun & loving pets, and beautiful home, a spectacular job, the list goes on and on, but it is sad what we miss. I had a 4th outfit too, and I'm keeping it, hoping that it will be used for our Cala one day! Love you sweet friend!!!
ReplyDeletei tried to avoid being angry too, well i just couldn't see how i could be angry because i was so filled with sadness. now i understand the anger and i let it out, its a natural part of grief after all and we know what happens if you hold back on anything. so with you lori on so many levels, you're doing great hun and yep life is unfair and thats just the way it is, nothing to be done about it. thanks for all your sweet posts, so glad to be sharing this journey with you xxx anne
ReplyDeleteLife isn't fair at all. After my mother and brother died within two months of each other I remember everybody asking if I was angry at the world. Honestly, I think I was just dumbfounded for the first year. Was this really my life??? How could I lose my father, mother and brother within two years of each other...all by the time I was 25?? My one constant thought was life is not fair. Now I tread a fine line with my kids...I want them to remain innocent and naive to the evils that can happen at any time; but it is so hard for me to let go of my knowledge that life is not fair and bad things can happen to good people. Argh! The injustice of it all just makes me want to scream!! Holding you and the other mommies in my heart and prayers.
ReplyDeleteDear Lori,
ReplyDeleteWhenever I think of the unfairness of death and rail against it, I like remembering 1 Cor. 15:26, "The last enemy to be destroyed is death." I like thinking that God hates death, too. Makes me less angry at Him and more hopeful about the future. And, despite its evil, we somehow have to make peace with death, in order to live. At one point I even questioned to myself whether it was fair to create children, knowing that by their birth I was condemning them to death someday (of course I was hoping it was of old age). Finally, I just decided to heck with it and stopped trying to make sense of it all. All I know is that today is the day God made for me, and He wants me to rejoice in it, and to do that we have to fight our way back against depression, anger, etc. There is a season for anger and grief, but there is also the Al-anon suggestion, "fake it till you make it," which refers to focusing on the good things until they are the only things in your mind, even if you have to pretend that there ARE some good things to think about. Frankly, these are suggestions I can say but not always do, so please don't think this is anything more than saying what I say to myself to help myself, and offering it to see if it can help you. I am certainly not suggesting that you need to change your grieving, and even the Psalms talk a lot about ranting to God! For infants to die is a travesty, and everyone has to hate that, including God. I do hope you find a way to somehow make peace with death, even though it is making peace with pure evil, not an easy task.
God bless,
Sherry
I too, sat by myself and cried for all of our babies. I just dont understand and feel very lost about it all. But reading the inspiration that comes from all of these fabulous women is amazing, that they can still see the rainbow thru the storm and still trust that it will be ok. But the thoughts of doubt and fear creep in anyway, and there is no stopping them sometimes...regardless of the person or the situation, I guess its just what you do with them that takes you to the next step? I dunno.
ReplyDeleteLots of love, Nan xxx
OH Lori I pray SO hard for all of us...I pray for our Angels, the rainbows, and the moms and dads all the time...I feel like there HAS to be happiness in the future...right?? You read my blog, you know my feelings etc...but one good friend of mine taught me that "anger" is fear...and if you re read your post you will see the ANGER is the FEAR you carry in your heart. and the fear we all carried with us at one point..most of the time i am just sad and heartbroken...and I GET angry too...but im just too sad to have a different feeling most of the time....my anger always comes when i have to defend Alyssa's life and the truth is its the "fear" i have that she will be forgotten to the rest of the world....oxoxoxo...thinking of you always...and I too cried for these mothers and fathers this weekend....i just dont get it and i dont think i EVER will..((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI feel so devastated for the unfairness and sadness that these women have to go through. I feel lost for them. Like I can't make sense of why this has to happen. You are right...life is unfair and I am completely saddened that when we want something we just can't get a break.
ReplyDeleteLove those pictures of Miney...such detail for so early! Baby looks perfect. :)
I read your blog and there are so many thoughts running through my mind and I just can't capture them all in a little "leave your comment" box, ya' know? I remember that 4th of July photo of you on the boat. I remember thinking how happy you looked and how cute you were pregnant. Please, please, please, Lori, enjoy these moments too -- as much as you can. You only get THIS pregnancy one time. As a mom who only got to be pregnant once, I think, "I wish I had enjoyed it more." I wish we lived in a perfect world where things were fair. We will one day -- THAT'S where the faith is, THAT'S the promise. Honestly, nothing here is promised to be good. God only promises to always walk with us through it, "And though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil (Satan), for THOU are WITH me." I know some days I feel the same sorts of feelings -- but for different reasons. We'll talk about those one day -- in person, hopefully!!
ReplyDeleteAnd, on another note: I have a receipe for something called "Strawberry Lasagne" that you should make and take it. People will LOVE it. :-) I'll try to remember to email it to you!
I feel the same way about fighting the injustices of the world. I've gotten so much better since losing Lilly but I still get that way.
ReplyDeleteI have definitely felt this way from time to time and I think that's inevitable.
It is unfair :( My prayers are with the three women you referred to in your post.
many hugs to you
elena