Eight Months since I touched his skin...

I'm having a rough day.

Still don't feel well and I'm conflicted. I still am not 100% sure I have an infection, and though I don't feel TONS better, I feel a hair better than yesterday and still wonder if I really need the antibiotic. So, I haven't taken it and I hate not being sure. Most days, "Better safe than sorry," is my mantra, but I don't necessarily know which is the 'safe' and which is the 'sorry'. Medicine we don't need vs. not taking medicine that we *may* need.

I'm not sleeping. That's not unusual, but at least when John is home, I sort of get forced to try. I didn't go to bed until close to 4 am and was back up at 9 for the cable guy.

Which brings me to the next frustration. He came, he did stuff, he said he needed to send someone else out tomorrow (but I don't need to be here), he left, cable is still all jacked up (with the possibility of the internet being lost looming). I talked to the cable company for an hour (and ran back and forth between THREE different tvs on THREE different levels of my house) and was given the resolution of: They'll squeeze me in tomorrow, but I'll have to be here after all and because they are squeezing me in, they can't give me a time frame. Not 9-1, not 1-5....ALL FLIPPING DAY. Good grief.


Mostly, though, my heart aches.

Eight months ago, my perfect and precious little boy was born. As time goes on, I have so many regrets. I regret that I had some of the medicine I did when I was in labor because I think that is sort of what made the time after Matthew was born a bit fuzzy and hours seem like minutes. I wish I had made better use of the time that I could have had with him before he was taken to Georgetown. I only got to touch a sweet little cheek and shoulder...never even got to see his face full-on.

I could not STAND the mess my office has become so, to combat insomnia, I tore it apart and cleaned it up in a major way. I came across the fetal heartrate strips of Matthew's when I was in labor. They broke my heart as I got closer to the end and saw how erratic they were....I'm not and never have been one to put a lot of 'feeling' on a newborn. That's just me, but I really feel like at those stages, it's all instinct and God sort of just leading the way for them...I don't believe there's much cognizance of what is happening in their world, but more reacting.

I deviated from that, though, when I saw those strips for a minute. I just cried and cried thinking about what must have been going through his head those last few minutes...when his heartrate was crazy...then nothing...then back, but so weak...I saw those heartate variations and for just a minute, wondered if he was scared or suffering.

I can't get that out of my head.


Eight months. Time has just gone by in a way I cannot even fathom, yet it still seems so frozen. Flashbacks are still so vivid, and come without any warning or trigger.

I should be taking a picture of him with a sweet little 8 months sign. I should be posting about how he's pulling himself up in the crib and doesn't like rice but loves bananas. I should be taking him to the beach and cleaning sand out of poopy diapers.

Like I said, mostly, my heart just aches.

We wrapped up our Anchored By Hope Bible Study on Sunday and shared our memorials. It was hard to do one for you...so soon after you've left us, but even still, so soon after I did the last one. This time, I just wrote a letter to Matthew with some pictures and Katy did a lovely job putting it in video.

I think it says a lot about where I've been and to where I've come...but leaves me longing still for where he is.

Of course, it also leaves me longing more for where He is, so I continue to cling.

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Miney's Nine(y) Weeks....

For 38 weeks and 4 days, I lived for Thursdays. Thursday was a new week, Matthew was doing something new and great and I loved every new Thursday. During the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy with him, I loved Mondays and Thursdays--Mondays were our visit with Dr. Sweeney (pictures and hearing he looked like a million bucks!!!!) and Thursdays were with Drs. Shonekan or Polko (hearing he was nice and comfy and planning on December, oy!). Mondays and Thursdays made the weeks go by faster and I was just so excited and SO ready to meet that precious boy!

I look back at this time last year with Matthew and am just so wistful. It was our first OB appointment and even then, I was pretty sure it was a c-section for me. Why, why, WHY didn't I trust MY gut? Why didn't I trust MY instincts? Even if they were for TOTALLY different reasons, why didn't I stick to my guns???? In that post, I went on and on about how *I* was the most important person on Team Baby and while I'd certainly take all expert advice and suggestions into great consideration, ultimate decisions would be mine.

And I caved. And he's dead. And I just have to let that go.

Working on that.

ANYWAY--so Miney was 9 weeks yesterday and tomorrow is his or her first appointment with Dr. Polko. I haven't seen her since our post-partum on January 17. It was very, very hard--but she was so wonderful--compassionate and caring and taking Matthew's picture for her wall and giving us his baby spoon. I know tomorrow will be emotional.

I've decided that Dr. Sweeney and his office need brownies or some other baked goods more often than every other week. Which is code for, "I need more reassurance than an ultrasound every two weeks." I may be cashing in on all the offers to help me with anything or keep me company on those trips to Annapolis because I just need the reassurance. I've been having some cramping for the past few days that I am sure is nothing but growth, but I am still a bit worried. I also am continuing to lose weight...at this time with Matthew, I was VISIBLY pregnant and this is my second with still VERY relaxed stomach muscles and nada.

They say call your doctor if there's severe cramping, bleeding or concern that doesn't abate.

Ummmm, I'd be calling the doctor every day. The concern does NOT ever abate. Even in my dreams (which seem to have some sort of miscarrying event at least 3 times a week), the concern is there and vivid.

In any event, I keep my mantra--"This one, she will keep," on repeat in my head and am glad to see the doctor tomorrow. Hoping her doppler will pick up the heartbeat as mine is not yet. Then 5 days later, we see Dr. Sweeney and I will feel MUCH better with pictures and hearing the heartbeat!

ADDED ABOUT 20 MINUTES AFTER I POSTED THIS: Last night, John and I tried to use the doppler. It was very staticky and didn't pick anything up, really...not even me. It was sketchy to say the least, though for about 15 seconds, we thought we caught it and it was around 163.

So, after I posted the above (and below), I decided to see if my full bladder would help make it easier to hear. I tried to look for it in the same spot as last night and today was much better. I'm 99.9% I heard it, though it was hard to find and didn't stay long. It's behind my woosh-woosh-woosh, but definitely a faster little pattern--like a little train trucking along!!

SERIOUSLY, HUGE shout-out to Hi-bebe 2000!!! YOU ROCK!

Here's the 411 on what's going on with Little Bit right now:

	Week 9: Fingers and Toes form
	You are in week nine of pregnancy. (seven weeks from conception) The embryo has grown to measure 30 mm (1.2 inches) in length. The fingers and toes are well defined. Cartilage and bones begin to form. The upper lip as well as the nose tip is being formed. The tongue begins to develop and the larynx is developing. The eyelids are developed, although they stay closed for several months. The main construction of the heart is complete. During this week of pregnancy your baby is now swimming round in a little bag of fluid. The arms and legs have lengthened. They fingers and toes are forming, but are still joined by webs of skin. They can flex their elbows and wrists. They are growing eyelids as well as forming their anus. The embryo is protected by the amniotic sac that is filled with fluid. Inside the embryo swims and moves gracefully. The embryo is now about 1 inch long. During this time of development, the baby's head appears much larger than the body because the brain is growing very rapidly. Brain waves can now be measured. The main construction of the heart is complete. Through its parchment thin skin, the baby's veins are clearly visible. During this week the ears, the teeth and the palate are continuing to form.

Rockin' Father's Day Gift!

Ok, I try (or at one time, tried) to pride myself on being a good gift-giver. I really like getting someone a great gift and often like it better than getting gifts...so, when we heard the baby's heartbeat last week at Dr. Polko's, on her hand-held heart monitor, I thought, "That's cool...wonder how much those are?" Well, I looked online, researched and found one of two that kept rising to the top...the Hi Bebe 200 (the other was a Sonictrax) and it was $115 (free shipping) at Amazon.com. So, I used a gift card that some very sweet parents gave to me, threw in some $ I had been saving for a girlfriend's weekend in Myrtle Beach and voila...bought one for John for Father's Day.

As you well know, yesterday was pretty emotional for me because I was just about fed up with the injustices of the world, and frankly, was really worried something was wrong with baby. Even though her heart rate was fine at the hospital, I'd been a bit crampy and where I'd normally not worry, the accident makes me second-guess every little twinge. So, when miracle of all miracles, the monitor arrived on the front porch yesterday, I tore that baby open and went to town.

Unfortunately, all I could find was a heartbeat that was about 85-90 beats. Of course, I FREAK out...it was 172 the other day. I called the doctor, but they were closed. I Googled and saw HR needed to be 120-180...so, I panicked...John called to let me know he was on his way home (he was in an airport in Indianapolis) and I just broke down....

"John, (sob, sob)...I got you (sob) a Father's Day gift and I used it and I think (sob, sob, sob) the baby's not well."

"What did you get?"

"(Sobbbbbb) A fetal heart Doppler...and the baby's heartbeat is only 80-90...(soooooooooobbbbbbb)"

"Lori. That is probably your heartbeat."

"NOT DOWN THERE! I KNOW WHERE MY HEART IS! (SOOOOOOBBBB, SOOOOOBBBBB, SOOOOBBBB)"

"Lori. It's Doppler. You'll hear it. Really. Just rest, I'll do it when I get home. I'm sure it's fine."

Well darn it all if my boy's not every bit as smart as I always swear he is. I Googled (again) and realized that indeed, you DO hear your heartbeat, and need to make sure you find the baby's, NOT YOURS. Duh. Perhaps that is why some medical practitioners prefer people not to have too much technology because they FREAK like me.

So...I Googled (AGAIN) for videos, filled my bladder a bit more, and 30 minutes later, found not only my heartbeat again (still 85-90) but baby's as well! The LCD rate display is not as great as I'd like but it was registering between 153-163 and I was JUST fine with that. WHEW!

So what does John (who called me a knucklehead) want to do the SECOND I come home? Look for baby's heartbeat. Which we heard, and measured to be between 159-168. So not only do we have some reassurance every now and then between doctor visits, I scored LEGENDARY on the Father's Day gift!

In other news, unfortunately, my car? Total loss. We'll be looking this weekend. Sigh.