Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Second Trimester...

We've made it.

Really kind of hard to believe, and I am so very grateful.

Of course...I've been here before too...so while I celebrate every little success in each new day...I know what could happen at any given second.

I've not really felt like writing much.

Well, that's a lie. I have. I've had a lot on my mind and a lot of things to write about and even sort of feel a bit guilty because they are things that I want this little one to know and understand one day.

Just haven't been motivated, for various reasons.

I'm tired of reading blogs where people share their thoughts and feelings and then just get bashed from here and back again for that. It makes me very, very angry for them and considering that there's not much I can do but send the poor criticized person an encouraging word, I just have to pull back.

More than that, I don't feel like having that type of backlash directed at me just because I am honest in my feelings and opinions. Blocking anonymous comments doesn't prohibit the, "I read your blog...and really enjoy it...and think you are amazing....BUT...."

...and then the need to tell the author about how their feelings are wrong; how the author's perspective colors everything and the rest of the world can't be blamed because they don't have that perspective, yada yada yada...

This hasn't happened to me lately, but as I've said, I've been seeing it a lot elsewhere and I just do not understand how people feel they have the right to tell others what they should or shouldn't be feeling.

I'd say 90% of the time I write about something that is frustrating or aggravating to me, I realize that it's probably frustrating and aggravating to me because of MY PERSPECTIVE. MY LIFE EXPERIENCE. MY REALITY.

And I'm usually pretty purposeful in reminding myself that thankfully, most people don't have my perspective and therefore cannot see fully how I look at their specific situations...like complaining about stretch marks or not being able to 'party' any more due to pregnancy.

Yes, I still find those things petty. I did before Matthew died and I won't change that. But I DO realize that it's my perspective that makes me see them as petty....years of infertility and a dead child will do that.

The thing is, this blog is ALL ABOUT my perspective. The way I look at things based on my perspective. My reactions and feelings about things based on my perspective. I've never, ever, EVER claimed to be perfect in my thoughts or opinions and I certainly realize that sometimes, they are pretty jaded and harsh...based on my perspective. I don't need others telling me so and if I do, I am blessed to have a few friends that I trust with my heart and can ask for THEIR perspective on my feelings.

Whether we like it or not, our life experiences affect our perspective.

So...I can't EVER expect someone who has not gone through what I or so many others have to have this perspective....and though that may frustrate me because I wish sometimes they at least understood, I am so glad that the innocence and bliss of so many experiences still exist in this world. It's wonderful, and I miss it.

But I don't think it's fair for me to not be allowed to feel what I feel because of my experience without being told that others just can't know how this feels and I shouldn't be so judgmental.
I know others can't know. That's why I write about my feelings HERE instead of saying everything I WISH I could actually say to real people. I'm not looking to hurt feelings or take the right of others to feel how they feel.

I'm simply documenting my own and don't need to be chastised for it.

And no, this has not recently happened....like I said, I've just seen it in a few other blogs and SO identified with those women being ripped apart for their feelings and I just hate, hate, hate it.

Sometimes I feel like I just ought to make this private because in the same vein, I AM putting things out in a public forum and people DO have the right to comment. I'm in a sense, asking for opinion. I just can't believe that the very same people who tell me my feelings (or the feelings of others) are wrong do so in the name of defending the right of others to feel what they feel.

What about me? Because my child is dead and no one wants to go there, I don't get to have my feelings validated and vent MY frustrations and aggravations? Right or wrong as the may be?

In other news....my mother's birthday was Sunday. She would have been 62. I miss her every day. I wish she was here to talk about all of this. I'd love to know HER perspective.

It's Baby Week this week on Discovery. I was glued to the TV last year. I can't bear to watch this year. I'm grateful for every happy ending. I'm just still so heartbroken for mine not fitting that mold. It's too raw to watch and I don't need any MORE things to worry about. One show/topic I'm particularly unhappy with is the Freebirthing movement. And of course, I'm unhappy with it based on my perspective. We had the best medical care EVER. We had the most AMAZING doctors and nurses from beginning to end. We had absolutely NO REASON to believe we could even POSSIBLY need a NICU.

And our son died.

So I am very, very, very worried, nervous, concerned and yes, even a little angry at what I believe is presumption and a bit of arrogance. In this world, where we are so blessed with the technology we have, to thumb our noses at that technology in the name of an experience vs. doing whatever needs to be done to ensure a safe and healthy delivery....well, I don't get it and I just pray for every one who engages in freebirthing to have both the experience AND the baby. It doesn't always work that way and I just can't justify or see any reason to take chances.

MY opinion. No need to tell me I'm wrong.

I guess I've just been in a funk. My heart still just aches for a few women who are missing their babies right now. I just am so sorry for them. I wish I could do more and yet, I know I can't. That's hard.

I know that soon we will be needing to decide on nursery things.

I'm not ready. I don't want to. I don't see how I'm supposed to take every little decision and piece of my heart put into Matthew's room and magically transform it to the happiest and safest place in the world for his sister or brother. And his sister or brother deserves no less. So, if you'd like something specific to pray for our family for...that would be it. It's not easy for John, either and us having two different ways of looking at it certainly makes it even more complicated.

Yesterday was the 1st day of our 2nd trimester! I'm fairly sure that I'm feeling bits of fluttering here and there...not enough to actually have it last long enough to be completely confident, but knowing what a little acrobat this one is, I'm betting it is. I can't wait for it to get a bit stronger...I thought I felt Matthew around 14-15 weeks and was sure of it at 16-17, so...I'm excited about that. Today I have a regular OB appointment (no pictures!) and then on Monday, we'll get better pictures of the girly/boy bits and know who she/he is!

Here's what's going on this week:

****With me: Still no weight gain and back to 95-96 ish...metallic taste in my mouth is back and though I am often hungry, I have NO DESIRE to eat....no motivation to make anything or put it in my mouth but I am. Thought this was on it's way out, but seems not. I'm very tired and it doesn't take much to make me just need a nice long nap. Grocery shopping's the limit! I'm showing a bit more (and John told me I needed to post more pictures, so I will) but still feel I look more jiggly than pregnant! Waist is still about 31-31.5 inches and I'm still feeling somewhat more confident, but the worry about the previas and acreta is really setting in. I'm going to talk to Dr. Sweeney about that next Monday and see what we can do to eliminate that worry. Nothing, completely, as the vasa previa absolutely would have been found if it could and it wasn't....so there's no guarantee that won't happen this time. Thank GOD for him and his office and them monitoring me so closely. I know I am very, very spoiled with that care.

*****With Baby:

Week Thirteen: Baby flexes and kicks

You are 13 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 11 weeks)
  • The fetus has grown to about 3 inches (8cm) long.
  • Weight approximately 1 ounce (25 grams).
  • Bone is beginning to replace cartilage and the ribs are appearing.
  • The nose and chin are well defined.
  • Movements can be measured.
  • The child will begin to learn to suck its thumb.
  • The child can open and close its mouth.
  • The external genitalia are well defined making it is possible to determine the baby's gender.
Your baby is now producing insulin the hormone that controls their blood glucose. The fetus is now 3 inches long and weighs about an ounce. The baby's unique fingerprints are already in place. The muscles lengthen and become organized. You can't feel it yet, but your baby can move in a jerky fashion, flexing the arms and kicking the legs.

Your uterus has grown quite a bit. You can probably feel its upper edge above the pubic bone in the lowest part of your abdomen, about 4 inches (10cm) below your bellybutton. At 13 weeks, your uterus fills your pelvis and starts growing upward into your abdomen. It feels like a soft, smooth ball. Soon you will start feeling the first flutters of the unborn child kicking and moving within.

The first three months were period of rapid development, next three months will be period of rapid growth. Baby quadruples weight during the 4th month. Your baby is about 2.91 inches (7.4cm) and weighs around 0.81 ounce (23gm).


  1. Love you. Love you. Just ... love you.

  2. Congrats on the 2nd trimester. I totally understand celebrating every success even though we know what could happen at any given moment.

    It breaks my heart when I see some of the harsh comments people leave on blogs. This is your space though so keep doing what you have been. Share yourself and your thoughts. It is your blog. It is your perspective. So many of us are here to support you.

    Sending love your way!

  3. happy 2nd! :) praying that some of the difficult side effects go away a bit.


  4. Praying you, John, and baby #2. Also praying for the hard times ahead as you have to get baby #2s nursery together. :) I know that it's going to be rough... but God will get you through it! I'll be praying...

  5. yipee! glad to see you are back on and that you are well and in your 2nd trimester!!! this is your page, do your thing and do it proudly cuz ya do it so well :)

  6. Yay for the second trimester! I'll celebrate every milestone with you on this journey because each one is so very worth it.

    I absolutely LOVE that you share your thoughts and your opinions here. Thank you for putting yourself out here. I feel like I get to know you better because of it. And I like you. :)

  7. I can't believe that in a world full of people to pick on, someone would pick a grieving mother. Ugh.
    You have every right to say how you feel. It's YOUR blog.. it's about your feelings, and if people don't like it.. they shouldn't be here. (or on another mommy's blog)

    Congrats on the 2nd trimester! It sounds very similar to my second pregnancy... I had a hard time gaining weight at first, I even lost at the beginning. And I was EXHAUSTED! I would fall asleep sitting on the edge of the couch =)

  8. Lori, I am going to send you a message elsewhere! I love you and am praying for peace to settle into your heart and the worry to decrease (as I know it won't disappear!). I know that little bean is a girl and I'm excited that there will be confirmation tomorrow! Sending you lots of love, as I'm feeling blah with you!!

  9. Love you! That's it. Just love you!

  10. Congrats on the second trimester - and I totally agree with everything you wrote, about the hurtful comments and about the free-birthing - some things just don't make sense, they certainly don't to me anyway! I can't wait to hear pink or blue.

  11. Congratulations on reaching the 2nd trimester! I think you're amazing, and that it's awesome that you share so freely. I hope you won't let those negative nellies get you down--your perspective is so important to us!!! (((HUGS)))

  12. thanks for the update! i'm just as pleased as punch for you. love you! :)

  13. Second trimester :)))This is your place to say whatever is on your heart or mind! I am praying that you will get peace about the nursery. I can not imagine how difficult that would be. I do feel the same as you about these baby television shows. I used to love to watch. Now, I can't bear to watch them. xoxo

  14. My motto is, if I don't like what someone is writing to the point that it bothers me, I QUIT reading period. I don't get it when people write to disagree--that is why it is YOUR blog. Whoever reads your blog does so for very different reasons. Me personally? Well, we go way back to Kyrgyz but then I was hooked on you. I want nothing more than for you to experience the raising of a child and find a certain peace within yourself.
    My thoughts are always with you and regardless of what you write, I will continue to follow along because it is YOUR blog, YOUR perspective on life and in some ways, it is very different from my own and I enjoy learning and seeing things through others eyes. My, what we all could learn if everyone was willing to just let go of judgements, critisism, and hatred and truly try to see a differnt way of looking at things...perhaps the world would be a much more understanding place in which to live?

  15. I'm sorry for the friends who've been attacked in spaces they use for their own healing. If a writer doesn't specifically ask for readers' thoughts and perspectives, staying neutral (unless you agree) is the way to go. The lack of blogging/posting etiquette is disheartening.

    While "The Business of Being Born" made good points and my second birth was more medicalized than I'd have liked, I'd never do anything without having medical care available at a moment's notice. Gambling with an unborn baby's health...I shudder when I read about Freebirthing. For what it's worth, I think you're 100% justified at being angry over it.

    I hope the insight of others who've faced the "nursery dilemma" help you and John figure out something you're both comfortable with. Prayers for sure.

    Already feeling flutters...soon you'll be able to use kick counts as well as the doppler for peace of mind. Maybe Miney was inspired by the World Cup?

  16. hi sweetheart, congratulations on reaching second trimester hun! i'm right behind you. and as others have said you just keep doing what you do, this is your space and yes its public but its still yours. i would hate for you to make it private, what would i do!!!! sending loads of love to you all xxx anne

  17. Happy 2nd trimester!!!

    Freebirthing - scares me too. As a former L&D nurse, I've seen a perfect situation go wrong, even saw a vasa précis once. I totally agree with you, why risk it for an experience? I told my OB (after finding out I'd need a c/section with baby 1 after the twins) that he could take him out thru my nose if he had to, as long as he got out safely.

    On the worry - I had complete placentia précis with the twins & 1st baby after (Riley) so I was convinced I'd have it with Ella , but didn't! There's always hope, I was scared so about that.

    I will continue to pray for peace on the nursery & growth for miney & mommy!

  18. i don't even know where to begin, there was so much in this post that i identified with. we were on the same page about needing to have our honest space. i totally respect your opinions, and you should always feel free to share them here. Your words" What about me? Because my child is dead and no one wants to go there, I don't get to have my feelings validated and vent MY frustrations and aggravations? Right or wrong as the may be?" I can so totally relate.

    congrats on the 2nd trimester. i am praying for you and your hubs. i know what it is to have two different perspectives on these things. i know you are strong in your love and your marriage and as it pertains to the nursery, you will address it at a time that is good for you both. i can't even imagine going there (thinking about the room) and i am praying for you.

    sorry about the metallic taste. i can relate there too. i have no desire to eat anything, and when they do they taste like metal or soap. i keep rinsing and rerinsing my dishes, thinking soap got left on them. i hope you are feeling better soon, and i am praying for you and your sweet little one.

  19. Congrats on making it to the second trimester! I enjoy reading your blog and all of the thoughts that you have because it helps me feel "normal". I also read as it gives me hope of what I truly beleive is to come for me. This journey has its ups and downs and I beleive that you are showing much grace and class in all your posts. This is your blog, your thoughts. You have the right to feel and post how you choose. I support you 100%.
    I still believe in if you don't have anything nice to say dont say anthing at all. The same goes with criticism.

  20. I agree with you strongly about so-called Free Birthing. I know another doctor who thought he would deliver his wife at home...in their case, a 2nd normal pregnancy...and the umbilical cord caused a terrible tragedy. These things do happen, and can be prevented with trained helpers. I know that medical intervention can't prevent all death, but it can prevent some.

  21. I LOVE reading about the baby's growth/development. It is so fascinating. I hope you find something you can/want to eat this trimester. :-) If it makes you feel any better, I got a call from my mom this week telling me her best friend called her to tell her that she didn't like what I posted about MIDOL (yes, Midol) on my blog -- that it was a personal subject and I shouldn't write about it. HELLOOOO??? Did I make her type in the address for the blog? Did I make her eyeballs read it?? I don't think so. It's everywhere, I think, including in me sometimes -- that desire to tell others how they "should" do things when we have absolutely no clue how to run our own lives much less someone else's. Just realize that it's just our humanness - our fallen state -- and TRY to shake it off. I know it's hard; it's one more lesson we have to learn to develop our character, I suppose.

    Sec. Word: undow as in "I'd certainly like to undow some of the comments I've made in the past to people." Lame, yes, I know.

  22. So happy you are in your 2nd trimester already!! You have EVERY right to say what you want here without having to remind them that it is your perspective...I know exactly which post you are talking about, and Id like to see what those people think NOW after torturing her for two days :/

    I have gone private and I have to say i LOVE knowing who is reading and I feel safe, and at the same time I feel trapped with my voice. I would say that if it gets too much for you then you should, but I think each day about just undoing the whole thing and just being "free" again in that sense....

    I wish you can be that naive woman and not have to think twice about a nursery etc...but look at it this way...YOU say what you want right? SO DO what you want...if you feel like waiting then wait, if and when you find out the bits and know its a boy or girl and want to start getting ready then DO IT....no one can tell you what is right or wrong, unfortunately there is NO right or wrong after you lose your child, it is only what brings you comfort....

    Happy birthday to your mom....!!!

    Thinking of you xoxoxo

  23. Yay for the 2nd trimester!! :)

    And totally agree on the perspective thing. We all have a right to voice what we feel and it's always the people who have no clue that try to bash. Annoys me greatly. Why can't they just move on and let it be?

  24. I could not have said it better myself. I have been planning on a post similar to this one. I really feel this way today that I don't want to be more important I just want to count and feel that I am equal in feeling the loss of my daughter. I don't feel we should have to fight to feel how we feel. Its not easy outliving your child/children.

    It is very painful to watch others we know who are going through this to have this added on top of what they have already had to endure, which is the worst thing any parent can imagine. Losing a child is hard to learn to live with, I don't think we will ever fully learn to live with it we just will survive.

    Our blogs should be a place for our opinions and yes people are entitled to their opinions as well but as they feel their entitlement you are entitled to yours as well.

    You are not forcing your opinion on anyone, just expressing it and there is nothing wrong with that. You are not trying to hurt anyone, none of us that have our blogs as outlets are trying to hurt, offend, or upset anyone.

    Thank you for this post, you expressed a lot of what I have been feeling lately.

    keeping you in my prayers always and many hugs