Really kind of hard to believe, and I am so very grateful.
Of course...I've been here before too...so while I celebrate every little success in each new day...I know what could happen at any given second.
I've not really felt like writing much.
Well, that's a lie. I have. I've had a lot on my mind and a lot of things to write about and even sort of feel a bit guilty because they are things that I want this little one to know and understand one day.
Just haven't been motivated, for various reasons.
I'm tired of reading blogs where people share their thoughts and feelings and then just get bashed from here and back again for that. It makes me very, very angry for them and considering that there's not much I can do but send the poor criticized person an encouraging word, I just have to pull back.
More than that, I don't feel like having that type of backlash directed at me just because I am honest in my feelings and opinions. Blocking anonymous comments doesn't prohibit the, "I read your blog...and really enjoy it...and think you are amazing....BUT...."
...and then the need to tell the author about how their feelings are wrong; how the author's perspective colors everything and the rest of the world can't be blamed because they don't have that perspective, yada yada yada...
This hasn't happened to me lately, but as I've said, I've been seeing it a lot elsewhere and I just do not understand how people feel they have the right to tell others what they should or shouldn't be feeling.
I'd say 90% of the time I write about something that is frustrating or aggravating to me, I realize that it's probably frustrating and aggravating to me because of MY PERSPECTIVE. MY LIFE EXPERIENCE. MY REALITY.
And I'm usually pretty purposeful in reminding myself that thankfully, most people don't have my perspective and therefore cannot see fully how I look at their specific situations...like complaining about stretch marks or not being able to 'party' any more due to pregnancy.
Yes, I still find those things petty. I did before Matthew died and I won't change that. But I DO realize that it's my perspective that makes me see them as petty....years of infertility and a dead child will do that.
The thing is, this blog is ALL ABOUT my perspective. The way I look at things based on my perspective. My reactions and feelings about things based on my perspective. I've never, ever, EVER claimed to be perfect in my thoughts or opinions and I certainly realize that sometimes, they are pretty jaded and harsh...based on my perspective. I don't need others telling me so and if I do, I am blessed to have a few friends that I trust with my heart and can ask for THEIR perspective on my feelings.
Whether we like it or not, our life experiences affect our perspective.
So...I can't EVER expect someone who has not gone through what I or so many others have to have this perspective....and though that may frustrate me because I wish sometimes they at least understood, I am so glad that the innocence and bliss of so many experiences still exist in this world. It's wonderful, and I miss it.
But I don't think it's fair for me to not be allowed to feel what I feel because of my experience without being told that others just can't know how this feels and I shouldn't be so judgmental.
I know others can't know. That's why I write about my feelings HERE instead of saying everything I WISH I could actually say to real people. I'm not looking to hurt feelings or take the right of others to feel how they feel.
I'm simply documenting my own and don't need to be chastised for it.
And no, this has not recently happened....like I said, I've just seen it in a few other blogs and SO identified with those women being ripped apart for their feelings and I just hate, hate, hate it.
Sometimes I feel like I just ought to make this private because in the same vein, I AM putting things out in a public forum and people DO have the right to comment. I'm in a sense, asking for opinion. I just can't believe that the very same people who tell me my feelings (or the feelings of others) are wrong do so in the name of defending the right of others to feel what they feel.
What about me? Because my child is dead and no one wants to go there, I don't get to have my feelings validated and vent MY frustrations and aggravations? Right or wrong as the may be?
In other news....my mother's birthday was Sunday. She would have been 62. I miss her every day. I wish she was here to talk about all of this. I'd love to know HER perspective.
It's Baby Week this week on Discovery. I was glued to the TV last year. I can't bear to watch this year. I'm grateful for every happy ending. I'm just still so heartbroken for mine not fitting that mold. It's too raw to watch and I don't need any MORE things to worry about. One show/topic I'm particularly unhappy with is the Freebirthing movement. And of course, I'm unhappy with it based on my perspective. We had the best medical care EVER. We had the most AMAZING doctors and nurses from beginning to end. We had absolutely NO REASON to believe we could even POSSIBLY need a NICU.
And our son died.
So I am very, very, very worried, nervous, concerned and yes, even a little angry at what I believe is presumption and a bit of arrogance. In this world, where we are so blessed with the technology we have, to thumb our noses at that technology in the name of an experience vs. doing whatever needs to be done to ensure a safe and healthy delivery....well, I don't get it and I just pray for every one who engages in freebirthing to have both the experience AND the baby. It doesn't always work that way and I just can't justify or see any reason to take chances.
MY opinion. No need to tell me I'm wrong.
I guess I've just been in a funk. My heart still just aches for a few women who are missing their babies right now. I just am so sorry for them. I wish I could do more and yet, I know I can't. That's hard.
I know that soon we will be needing to decide on nursery things.
I'm not ready. I don't want to. I don't see how I'm supposed to take every little decision and piece of my heart put into Matthew's room and magically transform it to the happiest and safest place in the world for his sister or brother. And his sister or brother deserves no less. So, if you'd like something specific to pray for our family for...that would be it. It's not easy for John, either and us having two different ways of looking at it certainly makes it even more complicated.
Yesterday was the 1st day of our 2nd trimester! I'm fairly sure that I'm feeling bits of fluttering here and there...not enough to actually have it last long enough to be completely confident, but knowing what a little acrobat this one is, I'm betting it is. I can't wait for it to get a bit stronger...I thought I felt Matthew around 14-15 weeks and was sure of it at 16-17, so...I'm excited about that. Today I have a regular OB appointment (no pictures!) and then on Monday, we'll get better pictures of the girly/boy bits and know who she/he is!
Here's what's going on this week:
****With me: Still no weight gain and back to 95-96 ish...metallic taste in my mouth is back and though I am often hungry, I have NO DESIRE to eat....no motivation to make anything or put it in my mouth but I am. Thought this was on it's way out, but seems not. I'm very tired and it doesn't take much to make me just need a nice long nap. Grocery shopping's the limit! I'm showing a bit more (and John told me I needed to post more pictures, so I will) but still feel I look more jiggly than pregnant! Waist is still about 31-31.5 inches and I'm still feeling somewhat more confident, but the worry about the previas and acreta is really setting in. I'm going to talk to Dr. Sweeney about that next Monday and see what we can do to eliminate that worry. Nothing, completely, as the vasa previa absolutely would have been found if it could and it wasn't....so there's no guarantee that won't happen this time. Thank GOD for him and his office and them monitoring me so closely. I know I am very, very spoiled with that care.
Week Thirteen: Baby flexes and kicks
|You are 13 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 11 weeks)|
Your uterus has grown quite a bit. You can probably feel its upper edge above the pubic bone in the lowest part of your abdomen, about 4 inches (10cm) below your bellybutton. At 13 weeks, your uterus fills your pelvis and starts growing upward into your abdomen. It feels like a soft, smooth ball. Soon you will start feeling the first flutters of the unborn child kicking and moving within.
The first three months were period of rapid development, next three months will be period of rapid growth. Baby quadruples weight during the 4th month. Your baby is about 2.91 inches (7.4cm) and weighs around 0.81 ounce (23gm).