Will the rest of my life be spent counting weeks?
Will this be another pregnancy that starts with me counting the weeks of life, and ends with me counting the weeks since death?
Will I be able to bear it if it is?
Obviously, I am worried.
I'm trying very, very hard not to be. It may not seem like it, but I am. The last thing I want is something to happen and then to have to suffer the guilt of thinking it was my worry.
Not to mention I don't want to waste a second of another miracle to be wasted with worry.
I was on one of the IVF boards I frequent and a woman wrote about how she'd had high betas and was expecting to hear twins when she went in for her 6-weeks ultrasound. Instead, she saw no yolk, no baby. Our ultrasound is Wednesday so I've been praying that doesn't happen to me.
The Internet is wonderful. It is full of boards and forums and blogs of women who TOTALLY get my life. SO many understand the frustration and heartbreak of infertility, or adoption, or failed adoptions, or child loss, or infertility after child loss, or of pregnancy after child loss...or, like me, ALL of that in some way.
And there is comfort in *meeting* them and sharing with them; encouraging them and being encouraged by them because they remind you that YOU ARE NORMAL even when others in the world who *think* they get it, don't--and make you feel like you ought to be dong something else.
But like EVERYTHING in my life, these blogs and groups and boards are also bittersweet. They are in-my-face reminders of all that could go wrong...and educators about things that could go wrong that I didn't even KNOW about! It's very easy to look at and know some of the many, many stories and think, "But that's not the norm. That's not usually what happens. That was tragic. That was unexpected. That was shocking. That is rare. That just doesn't happen."
But when YOU'VE BEEN that ONE....you know it does. And there's nothing to say it won't again.
And so I just try and remember that I'm not in control and that we are living through the worst thing we can possibly imagine...and if more sorrow is to come, God will continue to sustain.
While I understand the meaning behind being anxious for nothing, it's not easy. As I told a dear friend last night...with Matthew, I WAS anxious for nothing. I believed more than anything I'd ever believed in my life that Matthew would live and grow.
And look where that got me.
So, while I know that I WILL survive should anything tragic happen again...surviving is hard.
It's unimaginably painful.
And frankly, I don't want to be there. Again.
So, yes, I'm worried.
I get weekly updates from Silent Grief. At first, I didn't realize they were weekly--they just came at the right times. Always the right words at the right time. Even after I realized they were weekly, still seemed that way.
So this morning, what's in my email? Today's Silent Grief is titled, "When All You Do Is Worry."
And I got it not once...not twice...but three times. It was emailed to me three times. Weird.
It's not anything that I haven't heard before, but times 3, nice to know that again, God is telling me there's no use in worrying and that He will carry me.
Even if it is through more pain and more anguish and more heartache.
(Personal plea, though, God, please let's not go this route?)
SO...today is six weeks. I'm feeling more hungry than nauseated, though still queasy often. I'll be fine and then all of a sudden, feel like the flu is all over me. I keep saying it, but it is true. It is very different than Matthew.
I'm not a big believer in Old Wives' Tales, but I do think she's a girl. There's a lot of things I think about which I am very wrong, though, so...we'll just wait.
A sweet little guy (whose name I love) at church yesterday told me one of the nicest things I've heard in a long time...with a huge smile and a precious heart, he said, "I can't wait to see your baby in the nursery."
Neither can we, little friend...neither can we.