Monday, May 24, 2010

6 Weeks...25 Weeks and Two Days...

Will the rest of my life be spent counting weeks?

Will this be another pregnancy that starts with me counting the weeks of life, and ends with me counting the weeks since death?

Will I be able to bear it if it is?

Obviously, I am worried.

I'm trying very, very hard not to be. It may not seem like it, but I am. The last thing I want is something to happen and then to have to suffer the guilt of thinking it was my worry.

Not to mention I don't want to waste a second of another miracle to be wasted with worry.

I was on one of the IVF boards I frequent and a woman wrote about how she'd had high betas and was expecting to hear twins when she went in for her 6-weeks ultrasound. Instead, she saw no yolk, no baby. Our ultrasound is Wednesday so I've been praying that doesn't happen to me.

The Internet is wonderful. It is full of boards and forums and blogs of women who TOTALLY get my life. SO many understand the frustration and heartbreak of infertility, or adoption, or failed adoptions, or child loss, or infertility after child loss, or of pregnancy after child loss...or, like me, ALL of that in some way.

And there is comfort in *meeting* them and sharing with them; encouraging them and being encouraged by them because they remind you that YOU ARE NORMAL even when others in the world who *think* they get it, don't--and make you feel like you ought to be dong something else.

But like EVERYTHING in my life, these blogs and groups and boards are also bittersweet. They are in-my-face reminders of all that could go wrong...and educators about things that could go wrong that I didn't even KNOW about! It's very easy to look at and know some of the many, many stories and think, "But that's not the norm. That's not usually what happens. That was tragic. That was unexpected. That was shocking. That is rare. That just doesn't happen."

But when YOU'VE BEEN that know it does. And there's nothing to say it won't again.

And so I just try and remember that I'm not in control and that we are living through the worst thing we can possibly imagine...and if more sorrow is to come, God will continue to sustain.

While I understand the meaning behind being anxious for nothing, it's not easy. As I told a dear friend last night...with Matthew, I WAS anxious for nothing. I believed more than anything I'd ever believed in my life that Matthew would live and grow.

And look where that got me.

So, while I know that I WILL survive should anything tragic happen again...surviving is hard.

It's scary.

It's unimaginably painful.

And frankly, I don't want to be there. Again.

So, yes, I'm worried.

I get weekly updates from Silent Grief. At first, I didn't realize they were weekly--they just came at the right times. Always the right words at the right time. Even after I realized they were weekly, still seemed that way.

So this morning, what's in my email? Today's Silent Grief is titled, "When All You Do Is Worry."

And I got it not once...not twice...but three times. It was emailed to me three times. Weird.
It's not anything that I haven't heard before, but times 3, nice to know that again, God is telling me there's no use in worrying and that He will carry me.

Even if it is through more pain and more anguish and more heartache.
(Personal plea, though, God, please let's not go this route?) is six weeks. I'm feeling more hungry than nauseated, though still queasy often. I'll be fine and then all of a sudden, feel like the flu is all over me. I keep saying it, but it is true. It is very different than Matthew.

I'm not a big believer in Old Wives' Tales, but I do think she's a girl. There's a lot of things I think about which I am very wrong, though, so...we'll just wait.

A sweet little guy (whose name I love) at church yesterday told me one of the nicest things I've heard in a long time...with a huge smile and a precious heart, he said, "I can't wait to see your baby in the nursery."

Neither can we, little friend...neither can we.


  1. I know it's so much easier said, than done, but I encourage you to cherish EACH moment with this miracle! Try and remind yourself that "Worry doesn't add peace to tomorrow, but it does drain your strength from today!" I am praying for peace for you today!!

  2. Unfortunate I think we will forever be cursed counting the days, weeks, months and years...... I want you to try and enjoy the counting process right now though.


  3. I love the last part about the little boy...ahh, the sweet hope and love of a child. Be gentle with yourself, friend.

  4. We're in such similar places right now, and as much as I hate that you're going through a lot of the same emotions, it does make me feel better knowing I'm not crazy. I know all of these things are normal. And you are right, God WILL be there for us. No matter what. I pray, though, that in about 7 months we will both be bringing home beautiful, screaming babies.
    I just keep telling myself - today I am pregnant. Today I am pregnant. Today my child lives. Sometimes, that's all I can handle.

  5. having gone through what we have gone through and shared others stories is very grounding lori. i totally believe though that we all have our own individual stories in our lives and what can happen to others doesn't mean it will happen to us. i have to believe that. enjoy meeting your little one at the scan, i'm sure she is beautiful and strong, sending love and positive strength xxx

  6. I am happy you have met people in forums that you can share with. People who tell you that you are not alone. I think counting time whether it is to a new life or remembering a precious life that once was will always be a part of us in some way.

    I will be thinking about you Wednesday and wishing for you to see little heartbeat(s) on the screen!


  7. Can't wait to hear about your sono!!:) I am praying that all will go smoothly, and that you will see a beautiful healthy peanut!!
    God bless you...


  8. Take care of yourself, my friend. I wish I could tell you not to worry, but I am a PhD worrier, so my advice on that front is not worth much. But I hope all your worry is for naught and you have a beautiful baby (babies?) to love and cherish. I am thinking of you and checking in on you. Love, J

  9. thinking of you xoxoxo....Counting?? it is all we can do right now...Good luck Wednesday, but I have a feeling you will be JUST fine and see that baby!!

  10. What a blessing to have women in your life who can share in your grief, sorrow and life experience. I know it certainly helped me to have fellow adoptive mamas encouraging me during Caleb's adoption!

    The other day a dear friend and I were talking about various struggles in life and she said of her own struggle, "If that is what God needs to do so I can know Him better and in a different way, so be it." If only we could look at every worry and say, "God how will I know you better because of this?".

    Hugs to you, 'internet friend'! Thanks for sharing your heart.

  11. Sometimes I wonder why I've had to endure the challenges in my life. When I start to worry about them, all I do is get anxious and grumpy. Over the years, I've tried to let go and let God have control...easier said than done.

    In the midst of all the horrible delays with the Kyrgyz adoptions and all of the challenges getting to the finalization of E's adoption, I realized that the more I let go, the easier it was to cope. I kept telling myself that when God said there was a baby who needed me for a mommy, then that is when it would happen, inspite of all the stressful setbacks that might occur.

    Today, I'm more grateful than ever that the Lord helped me to find the patience I needed to get through the uncertainty of E's adoption - to help me find the courage to move forward on the path He laid out even when it looked dark and scary.

    Sorry that I don't have any words of advice to share. Just know that God DOES INDEED LOVE YOU and that he will lead you in the direction you are meant to travel. Have the courage and the strength to travel along that path with confidence. He will not lead you astray.

  12. It is beautiful the support available to us in this day and age, that you can connect with others who truly get it, but I hate the loss of innocence your heart is wrestling through. Praying for you as you count down to Wednesday. {hug}

  13. I understand this all to well I have been scouring forums for moths with each new issue I have. It is so very bittersweet, when you've been through the worst to ever think it could happen again is something you can't fathom and yet you know how real the possibilities are. I am praying for you and this baby and your peace.


  14. Hi Lori !

    Love your honnesty.
    I am also very thankful for the blogging community as it has helped me to cope and I have made beautiful friends here .I am a better person today thanks to that.
    About worrying I guess the best advice is to give your worries to God and let him take you through this , I know its easier said than done and Im not even pregnant yet after my loss so Im in a different place than you but I know I will worry too if I get prego again.The innocence is gone unfortunately.
    I think about you and pray for you that you will have a very happy end in about 32 weeks .
    Love Angie

  15. We'll be praying for you guys this week. Hope the ultrasound goes well and that you can find peace through little milestones. I know your worry so well. I had to mark milestones with Collen...and every time I hit one, I'd feel a little better about the possibility of us getting to meet this little miracle, bring him home, and raise him. For us, reaching the milestones after birth will be even more of a triumph, and while I anxiously and timidly anticipate those milestones, I know it's something we have to face. When you mentioned being the ONE it happens to...I was just nodding my head...saying yep, I know exactly what she means. Makes you wonder why God chose us to be among the few. Praying for and thinking of you always...

  16. Even when you don't feel normal anywhere else, you can feel normal here.

    It's hard not to worry about things even when you trust God to take care of things.

  17. I wondered if it was possible not to feel the way you just described when you first started on the new round of IVF. I've never been through what you are going through and imagination I know isn't remotely like the real thing. I am glad, at least, you can express the worry, even fear, that your awareness of tragedy brings with it. That must be somehow a step on the road to dealing with it -- I hope?

    Kathy W

  18. I've been reading through some old stuff -- yours and mine -- and thinking about worries. One thing N's doctor said when we were actively working on eliminating her can't-get-to-sleep-so-the-worries-come-pouring-in cycle was that it was going to be really hard for her. She had had all these worries filling her time, taking her attention. If we eliminated them, what was she going to do with herself then? How was she going to fill that time instead? How could we replace something bad with something positive?

    I've been trying it with my own middle-of-the-night panic attacks, with some success, but stopping the worry cycle is really hard. (And now that I've read about snakes coming out of a car's AC vents, all bets are off!)

    Praying tonight for all of us who worry, especially when that worry becomes debilitating.

  19. I've always been a major worrier. My first year of teaching, I found a quote in a teacher planner I used. I've tried to remember this when my worry gets the best of me.
    "Worry: Interest paid on a debt you may never owe."

  20. I get Silent Grief too!

    Bless you, Lori. I can only imagine what you must be going through. I ponder it myself sometimes when I wistfully wish to be pregnant again. Pregnancy will never feel the same to me again either. We are so tainted.

    I love you girl and I am praying for beautiful things for you and your hub! xoxo

  21. I so get it, it is so hard to see through clear eyes after a loss. As if we are wearing colored glasses that no one else seems to have to wear. I hope and pray for your peace and continued support from this amazing community.

  22. Praying for you, Lori! Do you think you could send me the info. of the forums for infant loss? My email is That would be awesome. After hearing you all talk about them, I'm interested. Thanks!! :)

  23. I think you need to hear more sweet things from little guys!

  24. Lori,

    I am praying for you and your sweet baby(S). I've been praying for you for quite a while in fact. I just thought today would be a good day for you to know it. :) I am praying everything goes smoothly for you. I'm praying gods love washes over you and that tomarrow is beautiful.

    Hugs Crystal

  25. Praying for you today as you go to the doctor, as you think about Matthew, as you think about this new one....praying, praying, praying....

  26. Sending you lots of love and hugs. I know how you feel. I hold my breath at every appointment. Right now i count down the weeks until i turn 18wks and am constantly hoping and praying i make it past this time and then i know i'll be holding my breath til 20 wks and so on and so on. It's hard not to worry, like you i know that whatever happens i can handle it but i'm praying it's me with a living breathing healthy full term baby in my arms. Just know that i am thinking of you and praying for you. I hope your appointment went well today. Hugs to you .