Thursday, May 13, 2010


Well, I think it should go without saying that having something life-changing and utterly devastating happen to you when you are so pumped full of emotion-affecting hormones is about 18 million and seven times more difficult with which to deal.

Apparently, that's not the case. People feel the need all the time to tell me where I should be and how I should be feeling. Thank you. Feel free to write a book; I'm a big reader and maybe I'll give you a little more credibility when you can tell me you know just what this is like because you've lived this life too.

So I was glad yesterday when in counseling, my therapist confirmed that this is NOT a 'normal' (if there is one) grieving process for a dead child. I'm chock-full of hormones that drive women to desperate, desperate things during periods of post-partum depression, or the death of their child. Don't believe me? Check this post of Kristin's out. You'll need tissues as you feel for those poor, poor women. At least I did.

Anyway, I'm glad she finally honed in on this for John. Not because I think John doesn't get it, though in honesty, I don't see how any man can *really* understand what effect hormones have on one's body--heck, even I didn't get it until I became pregnant. Seriously. I have never been one of those women who had, um...well, moody times due to hormonal goings-on in my body. John will testify to that. Even pregnant, hormones were raging, and John often said he was so glad that I wasn't what he was expecting--crazy woman. (Yes, friends, he REALLY does say these things.) I was just incredibly weepy. Really, really weepy. But purely HAPPY crying...always, always, always shedding tears of joy. Even when I was miserably uncomfortable, I was just so happy to be where I was in my life. point--my point is that while many, many people are watching me and monitoring me to see how I'm dealing with all of this, (and I know this is all completely and totally done out of love and concern)--I do not think that the gravity of this whole grieving picture is being fully measured.

I started back on hormones/fertility drugs at the end of January. Less than two months after Matthew died. So...remembering that the hormones a woman's body produces to maintain pregnancy don't often leave completely for 2-4 months after the baby has been delivered, and then factoring in the artificial hormones I have been pumping through my body in MASSIVE quantities and well, I am just going to go ahead and give myself a big pat on the back for putting my feet on the floor every morning. Seriously.

Grieving the death one's child is in and of itself something that is simply unimaginable if you've never walked in the shoes. Trust me, you *THINK* you can imagine it--I looked at the pictures on the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep site a week before Matthew was born and just cried and cried, *imagining* how those women felt...but I promise--WHATEVER it is that you imagine, when it is your life and it is real, it is a billion times worse.

Top it off with simultaneously pushing yourself through the arduous process that is IVF, and honestly, I'm surprised I have not just tucked myself in my bed for the last 165 days and been done with it all.

So when my therapist FINALLY realized that I have been, in light of the fact that I have TWO very difficult, very different, yet very much related situations (exacerbated by hormones on top of hormones) that are my day-to-day reality, doing an AWFULLY GOOD JOB of coping with all of this...I felt very vindicated. She then went on to tell me that unfortunately, as I probably have not been able to effectively deal with some of the things that go with missing Matthew because of the drugs and emotions of the IVF process, I'm still going to have to. At some point. And this 'process' (hate that word) will be longer.


I know that.

That's not news to me.

Just wish more people knew that too.

Tomorrow is our blood test. I am not feeling very optimistic. I want to--I am hopeful. I haven't taken a home pregnancy test because I WANT to MAINTAIN hope.

I'm really having a hard time believing that I'll get a phone call telling me we're pregnant again. I hope I am wrong.

And on Sunday, we go to Georgetown for a memorial service to remember all the babies who died in the last year.


>>>>Dead baby son. Still. Always.
>>>>Negative pregnancy test. Again.
>>>>Memorial service for dead baby son and other dead babies.
>>>>Hormones like you read about.
>>>>John goes out of town on Monday.

Sounds like the perfect storm to me.


  1. Lori- you've been on my mind quite a bit lately. And I can't imagine being more affected by my hormones (natural) than I aleady am cuz they really do get you when your grieving but I can't imagine the affect of adding in addition artificial hormones. You're doing great for all that you're going through. Big hugs.

  2. I agree with your doctor -- I can't imagine how you have been going through all that you have with the addition of the fertility hormones. You are simply amazing.

  3. I can't imagine it, I don't think I could do it. You have a lot of courage to even try.


  4. I don't believe you're getting a negative pregnancy test. I just don't!!

    And I never knew until now how much of a process IVF is, and I just went through an FET. And it was several months more since I lost my Madelyn that I went through it. So I can't even imagine how emotional all this must be for you. (((hugs)))

  5. well said dear friend..... ((((hugs))))

    you are loved right where you are, feeling what you feel, doing what you have to do, dealing with what you deal with....

  6. Lori, I don't know why but whenever I read your blog it always makes me have a good ol blubber... and I never realised hormones stayed in the system that long... maybe mine are just lingering for a few months of extra effect !

    Keep going hun, I can't imagine what it's like i'm not even going to pretend i know how, yes I lost my son, but we are each of us different and we all have different stories, our grief unites us.
    I am sending you a mahoosive hug (((HUG))) because let's face it - we all need one at some point. Xxxxxxx

  7. (((lori))) oh sweet speak the truth through and through.
    I HATE when people say "I understand" or "I can only imagine". A - haven't held your son as he died, so you DON'T understand, and B - WHY would you WANT to TRY to imagine such a horrid thing!!?? And NO, I CAN'T imagine. The imagination can't create the reality of such brutality.

    I am on pins and needles for you for tomorrow. I was the same...REFUSED to do HPT before beta draw because I wanted the REAL truth of numbers, not lines. AND...I was terrified to see a negative. So I get where you are coming from!! You want to hold on to every day! And I'm praying that tomorrow will bring sweet, yet painful, joy!

    Hugs to you always sweet friend!!

    Heather (heathershope - HP)

  8. I was just commenting about someone else's blog this morning about hormones. How we're not only homonal pregnant women, but we're still dealing with all of the emotions that come with the loss of our children. You are so right, Lori.

    I pray that the storm you're anticipating this weekend ends with a rainbow. xo

  9. praying for you, like always. you hit the nail on the head, that people *think* they know, but they have no idea. and i think you're handling things amazingly well, also. love to you.

  10. oh hon, sometimes it really feels like when it rains it pours. sending prayers and love your way. i know how hard this all is, and i know the added pain/pressure/etc that come when compounding grief with infertility and infertility hormones. its just too much sometimes. sending you lots of love.

  11. Lori I think you are doing such an amazing job! I have never done IVF, so I can not understand what you are going through there, but the negative tests, husband gone and the hormones I do get. You are amazing!!!

    Sending big hugs your way!!!

  12. You forgot to add in, "People all around the entire world loving me, praying for me and NEVER EVER judging me." (Also, line 2 is questionable) I LOVE YOU! xxxxxxx

  13. When Dr. Sweeney and I talk behind your back (and yea, we do it occasionally... out of love of course!) we both worry about the combination of your mourning Matthew's death and the IVF "juice". That in itself is the perfect storm. Add the emotional turmoil that IVF brings in itself - and you have a dangerous storm.

    I'm glad you are aware of the dangers of some of these combinations. This post actually makes me feel a little better. As a counselor myself, I never "counsel" my friends in a therapeutic way. But I remember when you first told me you were doing IVF so soon after Matthews death I was excited for you as a friend, but terrified as a counselor. I still feel both ways on most days :).

    I am still feeling positive for you about tomorrow. I believe you are pregnant. I also believe that protecting yourself from bad news is a very normal way to be. So because of that, I choose to be hopeful x 2.

    If the worst happens and your "perfect storm" comes to fruition, I have a bottle of wine waiting for you next week. You will not be alone.


  14. Lori, you are an amazing woman. I love reading your blog and your honesty. I often wonder if therapists or counselors can truly help grieving parents if they themselves have not been through it. I mean really, how can they truly know what is the "right" way or "healthy" way to grieve. Each of us are individuals and the way we grieve is unique to us and only us. I commend you, as you should feel very vindicated. Your feelings are very validated. I will be keeping you in my thoughts especially as you find out the results of your blood work. I hope it all works out for you the way you want it to.

    love and prayers

  15. Lori, you are an amazing woman. I love reading your blog and your honesty. I often wonder if therapists or counselors can truly help grieving parents if they themselves have not been through it. I mean really, how can they truly know what is the "right" way or "healthy" way to grieve. Each of us are individuals and the way we grieve is unique to us and only us. I commend you, as you should feel very vindicated. Your feelings are very validated. I will be keeping you in my thoughts especially as you find out the results of your blood work. I hope it all works out for you the way you want it to.

    love and prayers

  16. {{{{HUGS}}}} nuff said. Will be thinking all the good thoughts that your body mind and spirit may be inhibiting you from feeling at this point and praying to the lord above that you have some comfort and peace soon.

  17. Okay just relized I forgot the comma between body and mind...ugh...

  18. Lori-

    I just want you to know I think you are amazing. I have enjoyed reading your website. I have made it part of my week lately. I cry for you alot. I am sure that in no way helping you however, I just keep praying for you.

    I believe that our Lord does have a second chapter of motherhood instore for you.

    I do believe you. Those hormones are the nuttiest ride you could ever be on. Shame on those people who are judging you. That is not real friendship or love. Opinions Yes come with relationships, but not judging.
    I have taken them not in a grieving state and that is a hard place. I can not imagine or judge the place you are in.
    Keep the faith!

  19. Wow, I could have written a post on hormones just like this one. Those hormones always get the best of me. I am staying positive for you and thinking only good thoughts for tomorrow!! Big hugs coming your way!!

  20. Praying for you and HOLDING ONTO HOPE for you.

    I can relate to the crazy hormones. After my loss I dealt with pregnancy hormones for 4 months, as the HCG was not falling. Nutty was a good adjective to describe me, but things eventualy leveled out. Hang in there sweet friend, as you have been dealt more than your share.

    Regarding peoples comments...I always say "NOT until you've walked a mile in their shoes...uphill, in the rain, barefoot on prickly little rocks!"

    Much Love honey and Know that I am Lifting you up now and always, just as you have lifted me.


  21. praying for you!!!! hope that everything goes like you want, and that the next time you take a test that there will be two pink lines!

  22. More love and hugs - sent you an email xxx Nan

  23. You are loved.
    Praying for you,
    Love, Karen

  24. You poor baby, you are in the thick of it being pelted with granades! I'm so sorry! I wish there were more I could do from afar, but know that I love you, I'm praying for you, and think you have EVERY right to feel ANY way you want/need to for AS LONG as it takes, which is forever, for those who don't know!!!

  25. Praying for positive tomorrow!! HUGS!!!!

  26. I only "Know" of part of your journey. The part I know of is the hardest thing I have ever in my entire life gone through, so I can't imagine everything you are dealing with! I do know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! I am praying right now that that test is positive tomorrow! Hang in there honey! I pray for the peace that passes ALL understanding for you and your husband. I do know that hormones are awful and the death of a child coupled with that is too much. Big hugs coming your way!!!

  27. Lori, I love reading blog posts of yours like this because you explain how it is so clearly. This is the kind of post that will help others to better understand what you, and so many others, are feeling, though they likely can't fully empathize.

    Way to go! on getting out of bed each day. Somedays, that simply has to be the accomplishment of the day. :)

    Loving you and your little ones!

  28. For all that you are going through lori i think that you are doing well, I think that you are an amazingly strong person to endure as you have. Losing a baby is definately heartbreaking and i know that IVF is no walk in the park either. Though it sounds like a storm brewing maybe right now you're in the eye of it and your getting ready to get your blessing, maybe just maybe you're about to reach the rainbow. I'm sending you hugs and lots of love.