Friday, May 21, 2010

Can't Sleep...

In a few hours, I have to get up because John and I are driving to New York to help cousin Andi move down to Baltimore for grad school! We're very excited she'll be closer.

John got home today and was really surprised at how much I'm showing already. Seriously, it's crazy. Dr. Shonekan said that you show sooner with the second pregnancy. She's not kidding. We went up to bed early, in anticipation of our early wake-up, but I have not been able to sleep. I'm glad I'll have some sleep time tomorrow in the car.

There's so much on my mind.

I am terrified. Nothing more to say about that.

Funny how I titled my last post "Hard Day" and could easily do that today as well.

For different reasons. Days that make me truly get on my knees and thank God for His goodness are hard days too, and today was no exception.

I went to visit my friends at Labor and Delivery. I wanted to take them some goodies during Nurses Week, but that was right after the transfer, and before Mother's Day, and honestly, I didn't think I had the strength to do it.

So today, armed with a bowl of chocolate (and minus the stupid lemon bars that you just don't want to ask about), I went.

I had to take a couple of deep breaths in the elevator on the way up.

When I got there, the doors were open as someone else was walking in before me, and the first thing I see is the cutest girl at the front desk whispering to someone, "She's here! She's here!"

Talk about feeling like a rock star!

I walked in, sat my bowl down, and signed in. Instantly, I was enveloped.

And I cried.

Such bittersweet tears! Joy, joy, joy about this new little life I have! Sorrow, sorrow, sorrow over the sweet little life I many of those precious women lost him with me.

Honestly and truly, there is a tiny piece of Heaven God has placed on this earth, and it's in that Labor and Delivery wing. How else could such a collection of angels exist??

We hugged and talked and laughed and cried. They gave us a wonderful gift card for which they'd like to have a bench and placard for Matthew's grave. Their compassion is overwhelming.

They helped me remember things I didn't, and in doing so, made me realize that I'm going to have to write about all I remember from that night soon.

They shared their excitement and joy for us, and just lifted my heart.

As we walked out to leave (yes, escorted right to my car!!!), I got one last thing...

Rather, Matthew did.

They played--just for Matthew--his lullaby.

My Matthew got his song.

And there is no one on this earth that can possibly understand what that meant to me. I've had so, so many kind actions and gestures given in the last few months.

Hearing the song recognizing the precious birth of my son is truly one of the kindest and most generous gifts I've ever been given.

Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you again, L&D friends. You made a mother's heavy heart beat just a little stronger today.

I also have to get this off my chest because it just keeps tossing and turning in my head. I'm feeling very irresponsible in that I need to clear some things up.

So many people tell me how strong I am.

I'm not. He is. He holds me up.

I'm told I am brave.
He tells me to be of good courage.

I'm told I'm inspirational.
I'm simply clinging to His promises.

I'm told I am amazing.
I am just a vessel.

People ask me (and I often ask myself) how I am able to do this.
I'm not. He does it for me. And through me.

People tell me I am encouraging.
I just want to bear the burdens of others, as SO MANY bear mine.

I pray every night for God not to waste my pain.
And He hasn't.

Because if people think all of those things about me, but KNOW that it is solely the grace of God that allows me to breathe from one minute to the next...

I'm humbled.

And grateful.

And blessed.


  1. And you are such a wonderful vessel! I love how you let God work through you. It's hard work. Your day sounds lovely. It may have been hard, but I heard (read) a lot of positive things come through. Thinking of you often! Lots of love. :)

  2. love this post :) and don't feel bad, i can't sleep either. i'm sure for different
    my hubby is on his way home, and i just can't bring myself to go to bed by myself.
    i'm so glad that you had such a supportive L&D group. :) And that they continue being wonderful even after all these months.
    i will continue to pray for you and your newest little bundle of joy, and not only that... but i will continue to pray that God will continue to heal your heart.
    You are so right about everything you wrote...God does so many things through me that I never thought possible. And it's not me.. it's all Him!
    God bless, and be careful tomorrow! Hope you get some ZzzzZs in the


  3. I love that they sang him "his" song...that was so beautiful...I give all my credit to what I can do to Alyssa too...they are stronger than us, and they have taught us more in the time they were with us then we have learned our WHOLE lives...xoxo

  4. You are just glowing with God's love and grace. And i love reading your posts because of that. Thank you for sharing your story.

  5. Hi Lori

    What a beautiful post .
    I keep praying for you
    Love Angie

  6. What a beautiful visit to the L&D!! They all sound so wonderful and kind and I'm so glad that they remembered you and Matthew and played his song for you.

    I so agree with you about it being all God. I feel the same way and I tell people that when they say things like I'm so strong and whatnot. I tell them it isn't my strength but His.

  7. It makes my heart happy to hear that you got to have Matthew's lullaby. Have a great weekend and travel safe!

  8. So glad you got to go back and visit L&D friends. You are right, those women are truly angels. Praying for you and that little one that is in your belly! Love and hugs!

  9. "My Matthew got his song.: Goose bumps and tears...I stopped breathing for a few moments. Absolutely amazing.

    PS - hope you didn't ruin the lemon bars because we were on the phone! lol. Great chatting.

  10. You are a radiant, set-apart woman! I'm so encouraged after reading your posts. I fall more in love with the Lover of my soul when I see how He works and moves in your life...dear, dear Lori.

  11. It must have been so hard to go to L & D, but I am glad that you went. Those tears of joy and sorrow are only normal. That is wonderful they helped you to remember things that you didn't. I think writing thoughts in a journal would be a great idea.

    So thrilled John is home. You will have to start posting baby bump pictures soon! :)

  12. They ARE angels.

  13. Angels do exist, don't they? I read Holly's comment that said, "What a great visit to the L&D" and my eyes were reading too quickly and it looked like it said, "What a great visit to the LORD". I think that just about sums it up -- they are represening Him in a real, tangible way.

    Word verification: criene; as in, "Lori was criene tears of joy."

  14. How wonderful you were to take things to the L&D nurses. We took a thank you card, and it was so emotional to be back in that place. Big hugs hun... it is hard. I am so glad Matthew got his song. How wonderful.

  15. I'm so glad they played Matthew's song. Thinking of you today as always.

  16. I agree with you 100%! God does all of this and I'm with you I pray that my pain can help someone else, that He will work through me, that I will be His willing vessel!

  17. Ok, if you are already showing, I'm definitely voting for twins. ;)

  18. I love this post! I am so glad that the women of L&D were able to make you smile today. How sweet that they want to add a bench in Matthew's name.
    I agree completely with this being God's strength and being a vessel. Letting Him work through us and our baby's lives. On my hardest days I turn to scripture. I just open the Bible up and randomly read. Thank you for an amazing post! You have such a way with words.

    love and prayers

  19. another amazing post...
    today I was reminded of "Remember and glow in HIS promises...not the problems of the world"...
    you do that so very well... thank you for being such an inspiring woman! :)