Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Hard Day

Today was a hard day. I am so glad that it has been raining all day because we really needed it, and it totally matched my mood.

I am still unable to sleep. Just find myself tired, but can't sleep. Wide awake, actually. I am ravenous but can't stomach the thought of bringing any food to my mouth. I somehow get the gumption to eat and about a minute later, can't tolerate it. I have all the classic signs of morning sickness (though it is NOT restricted to the morning!!!!)--nausea, headache, metallic taste in my mouth, dry heave every time I brush my teeth, HOT then COLD, always feeling like I just need to ... spit. (So lady-like, huh?) Achy and lethargic but a burning desire to organize my silverware drawers.

I know everyone is thinking, "This is good!! Good sign! High HCG levels make that happen and are GOOD."

That's not necessarily true. My numbers with Matthew were higher than the numbers with M&M. And I was great! I bounced all over the place, had some food aversion, but really only to cheese and sugary stuff (my FAVORITE THINGS, that silly baby boy!!!). I did need to have most anything I drank be carbonated, but really---even with higher HCG levels, I was nothing like this! I was actually pretty worried for a bit with Matthew because I'd always read and heard that the higher HCG levels would make you sicker and that wasn't bad because higher levels are good. Of course I asked my RE about it and he said that was the case sometimes and sometimes it wasn't. It was obvious that with my numbers as high as they were, me not feeling sick was just the way I was. People with low levels of HCG can and do suffer 'morning' sickness.

And just goes to show that yes, EVERY pregnancy is different!

Which makes me happy. The things that are unique to Matthew are so limited...and as time moves forward, seem to become even more and more numbered. Miney &/or Moe will, God willing, have a lifetime to have things that are unique and theirs.

My Matthew only has what has already been his.

So I am glad that so far, this pregnancy is COMPLETELY different than Matthew's.

His can stay all his own.

He was such a good baby! He slept at night, and was up kicking me and wiggling around ALL day. He didn't make me sick, I had energy (mostly), I walked around feeling on top of the world (even when my back was killing me or my body was so swollen I had to LAY around feeling on top of the world!). His skin was perfect and soft...his cheeks were so full, especially for a little one who had lost so much blood. I dreamed and dreamed of kissing that foot that kicked me constantly...imagined changing his sweet little diaper in the middle of the night--me being tired, but heart melting when he looked up at me with a sweet little smile that only he would have.

He was such a good baby.

Today was just the first day of what I imagine will be many more days where I just completely and totally feel like I am betraying my son with this pregnancy.

I spent over 10 years wondering what it would be like to have a child, what it would feel like when I had another precious little life living inside of me. And then came Matthew! It was sort of weird, admittedly, to think that my body was the home of another living human being, but it was AMAZING!

And today, as I happily thought about the little life or lives living inside of me, I just burst into tears...and not happy ones.

It's Matthew's.

My body was for Matthew. It was his home. It was Matthew's.

I doubt that had Matthew lived, and we'd had more children, I wouldn't necessarily feel like allowing my body to be home for his brothers or sisters would be betraying him.

But because he's gone...and my body, for 99.9% of his sweet little life, was his...I just feel like such a traitor.

I am crying my eyes out as I type this. I've been crying for much of the afternoon.

Like I said, there's just so little that is his and ONLY his...and I feel like I'm just taking something that was special to just us and giving it away.

I knew this was going to be hard. I just didn't know how hard. And it's only started...

I miss my boy.


  1. Lori - Hugs, just hugs ... and much love. I have no idea what you are dealing with ... but know you are loved. ... PS Dry heaved with E every day I brushed teeth, no idea why? PPS Wish I could take your pain away ... I am sorry your heart hurts. XO, J

  2. Wow. I can picture him, and smell him just by your discription. So lovely. Remember though, that time you carried him and knew him WAS just for him. Your body may be carrying someone new ... but the difference is that Matthew made you ready to do this. Not only your womb, that still remembers the way he filled it and moved it, but your heart and memories. Those things will always be just yours with him and using the womb again is a beautiful way to pass on and share what made Matthew, Matthew. He was formed in YOU! Amazing. Now, his sibling(s) grow and are made unique because of His hands and His dreams for you and for them and that truth doesn't deminish Matthew or the ache you feel for him. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the emotions and the pain and the joy and the fear ... I just want to lift you up and pray for each day for you.

  3. Throughout this whole post, I was agreeing with you....all of it...I've felt it too. Still feeling it...and I wonder how I will feel the first time I do something with Collen that was special between only myself and Ayden. I hate that I even have to fear or anxiously anticipate that. Milestones shouldn't be accompanied with grief....

  4. i guess maybe we hope that a new life will help heal our wounds and i guess it may a bit , but our wounds are so deep that they will always be there. you are still grieving so be gentle with yourself and do whatever makes you feel right at the time, lots of love to you and i am still hoping i will be joining you soon, test in 7 days and counting xxx anne

  5. Matthew is loved, he is always going to be a part of you, of your other future children. He IS a part of this pregnancy. I know there is nothing I can say to take away the hurt, and the confusion. You are not betraying that beautiful boy :) What you are doing is making him a brother. He will know this baby someday. Love, prayers, and hugs coming your way!

    Each prenancy IS truly different. I felt great with Tyler. With Toby I couldn't get my head out of the toilet, needed IV fluids & anti nausea meds...I swore he was a girl because I felt so different!

  6. I am so sorry that this is so bittersweet. I pray that God will give you peace! All of my pregnancies have been different also. Know that you are being prayed for!

  7. Thinking of you today and everyday. This whole process of grieving is so difficult and I can only imagine it with a huge dose of pregnancy hormones thrown on top it must make it so much harder. You will make it through, one day at a time.


  8. I'm sorry today was a tough day. Been there, friend, been there. I remember similar feelings with my subsequent pregnancy, and I imagine they will be present with any future pregnancies. And that stinks. But you'll find a way for all those feelings to live together, and hopefully they won't hurt all the time. Lots of love!

  9. ((hugs)) You actually reminded me of when I was pregnant and I constantly needed to spit!! That was a blast from the past...I threw up my first 20 weeks...i was told that was why i had so much saliva..

    anyway, I really wanted to let you know that your feelings are valid (although i am not having a rainbow right now) i imagine my thoughts would be the same...and then i hope that I would be able to tell myself that I would want Alyssa to share her toys and her stuff had she be given the chance to live her life, and I would like to think since the belly was for your son Matthew you can allow him to share that with your rainbow ie; his little brother or sister...The place in your heart for him can NEVER be given to someone else...For that he is very lucky xoxo

  10. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you had a bad day and are feeling so yucky. Fluctuating hormones are never good and I'm sure yours are going crazy right now! This pregnancy doesn't take away from Matthew being your miracle baby. It just proves that our loving God is still in the miracle business. Lifting prayers for you as you deal with so many emotions wrapped up together that one shouldn't have to deal with all at once. God never gives us more than we can handle (through His strength) and you are such a Godly example of that truth to me!

  11. Sweet Lori. Every pregnancy IS so different, and I'm thankful God has already given you ways to see things about your time with Matthew that remain just His even as you celebrate God's ongoing gifts of this/these new life. {{{hug}}} Praying that the Lord will begin to ease the ache of "betrayal" for that is something only He can do.

  12. I am sure there are going to be more of these hard days in the future. I wish we didn't have to have these days and that things were just simple. You will always have your memories of sweet Matthew. That little boy made you a mom and he will always be yours. All I know is that Matthew is so loved and the new life that you are carrying will be so loved too.

    Wish I could make it all better, but I am not sure that there is anything to make a pregnancy after loss better. Just know I am thinking of you!!

  13. I do understand what you're describing. I'm just so sorry that Madelyn can't be here too.

    But you are NOT betraying Matthew. I'm sure this is what he would want for you. I know my saying that probably doesn't mean much, because this is how you feel right now, and feelings just need to be felt whether they're rational or not. So instead of trying to come up with some profound words of wisdom, I'll just say I'm praying for you.

  14. AHHHHH Lori. I could see where you would feel this way and my heart aches for yours. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

  15. Hopefully knowing that so many of "us" know and understand exactly how you are feeling right now will help bring peace to your heart. It is hard to feel that you've put someone new in Matthew's special place. As M and/or M grow and begin to have their own little individual quirks and likes, you'll find some comfort in how different they are from Matthew, at least that was what I experienced. Our first surviving son was so much more laid back inside than his big bro & sis, but our newest daughter was a maniac. It is so cool to get to experience different lives. Cherish the time you have coming with M &/or M and hold close the time you had with Matthew. Those memories are so precious.

  16. I always got LIVID when people talked about how good it was to be sick and "the sicker, the better the pregnancy" because with Ethan and Jack...I wasn't sick at all. Then with Zac and Evan...BARELY sick. Both I had insane high HcG levels. Sooooo, take what people say about their theories with a grain of salt. My OB always said I was VERY lucky not to have to deal with all the sickness, and she said the whole more-sick-the-better theory is just a wives tale. It doesn't dictate the outcome. And in 4 pregnancies...my mom only had sickness with her last! So, there's my two cents on that topic :)

    Yes, this pregnancy will come with sooooo many mixed emotions. My second pregnancy was already tainted from the blissful niave joy of pregnancy because of the loss of our first twins. And I always felt "strange" like I was betraying my first babies too. Especially when we heard "twins" again. I've said it before...it took me MONTHS to connect to my pregnancy with Zac and Evan.
    Day by day, bit by bit you will find the special moments with this pregnancy. I too am glad that you are finding this pregnancy different than Matthew's because it will always be Matthew's memories, and now these memories. But your heart will hurt. Especially because your grieving and rejoicing times are so close together. You will have happy tears, and tears like today...sad tears. Don't be hard on yourself. Allow yourself the tears that need to fall.

    I know that IF we ever get the chance to become pregnant again (we have 6 frostie babies waiting at our clinic) it will be VERY difficult for me. I am partially scared more because of the emotional aspect. And I am TERRIFIED that we'll ever have another multiple pregnancy again...for a few reasons. I couldn't imagine going through another situation like my first 2 twin pregnancies, and I couldn't imagine delivering take-home twin babies...because the pain of missing Zac would become more than I think I could bare. And I would feel so sad for Evan...a twin, without his brother.

    When you go through the loss of a child, future pregnancies are filled with things that just aren't fair. Fears that so many others never have to face. And I think we will all always feel a bit of betrayal to the child we lost. But NEVER would our sons/daughters EVER be "replaced". We will love our new additions in the unique way that they deserve to be loved. Yes...still then there will always be tears reserved for the child/ren we've lost...but we will love our future children.

    My heart is with you, and I hope that this pregnancy will be so special in its own way too. And it will. But don't be hard on yourself the days that this causes you to miss Matthew even more...it's sadly to be expected. I wish you didn't have to experience this mix of grief and joy. It's a tough tug-of-war to be in. I know it all too well.
    But I pray for peace and joy in your pregnancy, and for continued moments of love and sharing with your memories and love for Matthew. He will never be replaced. He will never be forgotten. Not by any of us!!

    Hugs my friend!!

    Heather (heathershope - HP)

  17. Praying for you and sending hugs your way. :(

  18. Lori, all I can say is me too. I totally get your feeling like you are betraying Matthew, but you're not. I felt that A LOT at first with Joseph. In fact it was hard to comprehend those first few weeks that this new baby inside me was not Jenna. Just know you're not alone. You won't always feel like this, this is just a part of grief, ugly ugly grief. Praying for you!


  19. The way I think of it is that I believe Carleigh is so happy to have a baby sister. She's happy for us that we have found joy in this new life. She knows we'll never forget her or stop loving her. It's impossible to do that! Lainey is sharing a place where her sister once was so I like to think there will always be something special between them.

  20. I like what Holly said! I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but I know that days that I don't feel compelled completely to wear my necklace for my babies, or don't feel like being sad, and get excited about the adoption, I feel guilty too. I don't ever want to forget them, I don't ever want them or anyone else to think that they didn't matter b/c they do everyday, they have made me who I am. So, it's ok to feel sad, but also know that Matthew is dancing around for joy, as he's probably got the inside scoop in his sibling/siblings and knows what you're having!! He's probably sending you little messages subliminally to tell you and smiling away!!

    Praying you through this painful day sweet friend!!!

  21. Sweetest Friend,

    So many emotions that swirl and I understand so much of what you are saying. Just wish I could do something to make it all better, but I know I can't...so know that I'm sending you some sunshine after the rain.

    I completely understand those feelings of betrayal and guilt, but you are not replacing Matthew, but are adding to your family. I felt like this at one point and my dear friend Nan pointed out that adding to your family is okay, it just takes time to get your head around the thought. She struggles with this too, so you aren't alone in how you feel.

    Be well honey and if I were closer I'd rush over with some ice cream and junk food and we'd cry and eat bon bon's.

    Love you and know that I'm lifting you up...right now.


  22. The problem with being a mother is that your body is no longer your own. It starts with pregnancy (or once you have that adopted child in your arms), but goes far beyond that. You give and give and give of yourself for the rest of your life. And you give until you feel you can't give anymore. And then you give some more.

    Once you become a mother (a good one anyway), you can never go back. It is what makes our lives wonderful and so, so hard at the same time.

    Love you friend.

  23. Wow, what a day. Like yourself, I had no nausea with Ethan but with Julia it was bad the first three months. Try smelling ginger. It is supposed to help ease the nausea feeling.

    So glad that the two pregnancies are different. I know that when I get pregnant again I will want special memories just for the new baby.

    I can't say I understand what it feels like to have another baby in Julia's space, but that is one reason why I was adamant about not getting pregnant before Julia's due date. Until then, it was supposed to be her spot, and I didn't want another baby being there.

    I hope that today was a better one for you. You are in my thoughts :) XOXO

  24. I know it is SO hard and always will be. (((hugs)))

    Your body is what this baby(ies) get to share with their brother and it's ALL they get to share with him so it's okay. I hope you will gradually be able to be happy that these babies get to share that same space.

  25. Your joy and your grief must be so overwhelming right now. There are probably going to be a lot of days during this pregnancy where you miss Matthew. But remember that he would want this for you. He would be so excited to have a brother/sister. Being happy about that will never diminish your love for Matthew.
    When you have your first baby, you always wonder how you could possibly love some other baby as much. And then...you just do. It just immediately happens when you see that baby.
    To try to mix that emotion with your grief must be so hard. I'm praying for you.

  26. Lori,

    First, I love hearing about Matthew. I love hearing about how he kicked you and his love for chocolate=)....

    But, I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Only imagine...
    Words are not enough...

    I am praying for you....

  27. Lots and lots of love and hugs to you, Lori. We will be with you every step of the way!

    Sarah xoxo