Today was a hard day. I am so glad that it has been raining all day because we really needed it, and it totally matched my mood.
I am still unable to sleep. Just find myself tired, but can't sleep. Wide awake, actually. I am ravenous but can't stomach the thought of bringing any food to my mouth. I somehow get the gumption to eat and about a minute later, can't tolerate it. I have all the classic signs of morning sickness (though it is NOT restricted to the morning!!!!)--nausea, headache, metallic taste in my mouth, dry heave every time I brush my teeth, HOT then COLD, always feeling like I just need to ... spit. (So lady-like, huh?) Achy and lethargic but a burning desire to organize my silverware drawers.
I know everyone is thinking, "This is good!! Good sign! High HCG levels make that happen and are GOOD."
That's not necessarily true. My numbers with Matthew were higher than the numbers with M&M. And I was great! I bounced all over the place, had some food aversion, but really only to cheese and sugary stuff (my FAVORITE THINGS, that silly baby boy!!!). I did need to have most anything I drank be carbonated, but really---even with higher HCG levels, I was nothing like this! I was actually pretty worried for a bit with Matthew because I'd always read and heard that the higher HCG levels would make you sicker and that wasn't bad because higher levels are good. Of course I asked my RE about it and he said that was the case sometimes and sometimes it wasn't. It was obvious that with my numbers as high as they were, me not feeling sick was just the way I was. People with low levels of HCG can and do suffer 'morning' sickness.
And just goes to show that yes, EVERY pregnancy is different!
Which makes me happy. The things that are unique to Matthew are so limited...and as time moves forward, seem to become even more and more numbered. Miney &/or Moe will, God willing, have a lifetime to have things that are unique and theirs.
My Matthew only has what has already been his.
So I am glad that so far, this pregnancy is COMPLETELY different than Matthew's.
His can stay all his own.
He was such a good baby! He slept at night, and was up kicking me and wiggling around ALL day. He didn't make me sick, I had energy (mostly), I walked around feeling on top of the world (even when my back was killing me or my body was so swollen I had to LAY around feeling on top of the world!). His skin was perfect and soft...his cheeks were so full, especially for a little one who had lost so much blood. I dreamed and dreamed of kissing that foot that kicked me constantly...imagined changing his sweet little diaper in the middle of the night--me being tired, but heart melting when he looked up at me with a sweet little smile that only he would have.
He was such a good baby.
Today was just the first day of what I imagine will be many more days where I just completely and totally feel like I am betraying my son with this pregnancy.
I spent over 10 years wondering what it would be like to have a child, what it would feel like when I had another precious little life living inside of me. And then came Matthew! It was sort of weird, admittedly, to think that my body was the home of another living human being, but it was AMAZING!
And today, as I happily thought about the little life or lives living inside of me, I just burst into tears...and not happy ones.
My body was for Matthew. It was his home. It was Matthew's.
I doubt that had Matthew lived, and we'd had more children, I wouldn't necessarily feel like allowing my body to be home for his brothers or sisters would be betraying him.
But because he's gone...and my body, for 99.9% of his sweet little life, was his...I just feel like such a traitor.
I am crying my eyes out as I type this. I've been crying for much of the afternoon.
Like I said, there's just so little that is his and ONLY his...and I feel like I'm just taking something that was special to just us and giving it away.
I knew this was going to be hard. I just didn't know how hard. And it's only started...
I miss my boy.