Monday, November 30, 2009

Goodbye my angel....

John Matthew,

There are no words to tell you how much I love you and how much my heart aches to hold you right now. I have loved the thought of you for years and in the last months, the intimacy you and I have shared is now priceless to me.

Honestly, I do not know how I even have the strength to be writing this...my heart is broken and your daddy and I are just empty and aching. On one hand, I don't ever want to see this blog again--to be reminded of all the hope and promise we had in you.

On the other, the blessing you have been in our lives is worthy of so much more. It is because you lived, and we loved, that I write this final letter in your book.

You were a beautiful little boy. You had a head full of dark hair, your mommy's chin and your daddy's little lip and nose. Your skin was unbelievably soft and clear, and though I know every one says this about their baby, you truly were beautiful.

You were happy and healthy right up to the very second the doctor realized that there may have been a placental abruption...and whisked us to surgery. Doctor Shonekan was the fastest, most focused, compassionate and dedicated person I've ever seen...she had you out in 6 minutes. The miracle of all the extra staff being there and the care we received truly was indicative of God watching over us.

Your daddy was with you most every second he could be, and he held you as you took your last breaths and went on to Heaven. At first, we thought there may have been a chance you'd be fine, but resuscitating you over 5 times was simply too much for your little body. Daddy had to drive to Georgetown while you were medevaced, but hopefully you felt the literally hundreds and hundreds of people praying for you to be ok and not suffer. I felt them.

When Grandma and our dear friend Connie came back to my hospital, I knew that something had changed and it wasn't good. Daddy called and told us you were leaving us, and Bert prayed with us--over the phone to us in our room and to daddy and you as he held you in Georgetown. You were sent off to Heaven with daddy holding you, hearing the words of God and being very loved by the numerous people in my room crying for you.

And now, we are still in shock. Though you were only on this earth with us for about 8 hours, you have been in our hearts for years and will remain so. You, our beautiful first-born son...you may never read these words I've been writing for you, but still I hope you know how much you have been loved and how many people have been touched by the miracle of you.

I don't know what the future holds...for this blog, for our plans, for anything. I do know that your daddy and I are forever changed and cannot imagine any privilege better than being your parents. I remember very vividly promising you to God....thanking Him for the miracle of you and promising that you were His and I'd do all I could to commit you to Him. I never dreamed that would mean giving you back to Him just a few short hours after your birth. Even still, you will always remain our beautiful baby boy; our first-born son and dream-come-true. And we will always remain your loving mommy and daddy.

Goodbye, my sweet little boy. Words cannot describe how much your daddy and I love you.

60 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your family only the best at a time like this. Take care.

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  2. Lori and John, I am holding you constantly, closely to my heart. No words can heal your pain now, but please know so many are sending their love and prayers for the three of you.

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  3. No amount of words can say how sorry we are for your loss, please know you all are in our thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

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  4. Lori, Thank you for sharing your love for Matthew with all of us. We will be praying for you and will always remember what a special blessing Matthew was in so many people's lives, especially yours and John's.

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  5. Lori and John,

    Thanks for sharing your heart at a time like this. For the hundreds of people who care deeply about you, it is a gift that you offered us to quickly share what had transpired, and your own heartache over it all.

    We grieve with you, many of us have thought of you constantly over the past 2 days.

    Matthew's life had purpose. You shared love...that alone is the greatest of all things. While it was far too short lived, that purpose alone is higher than all others.

    Much love your way.

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  6. Oh my friend. I continue to cry tears for you and John. I can't focus, work or think of anything but you and your loss and pain. I pray for you constantly and know that God is providing the care for you that human friends and family just cannot. Matthew was a blessing to you and to so, so many people. His short 8 hours touched more than many do in 80 years. He was loved more than many get to be loved in a lifetime. I want you to know my heart is with you and my prayers cover you and John. I love this visual of what someone posted on Facebook that Matthew is with your mom now. He is in good hands where he is -- I just so wish he could have stayed here with you. All my love. Here for you whenever.

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  7. This is a path in which I can only walk along side of you, being nothing more than a friend to pray and listen. And I will. I love you my wonderful friend.

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  8. Lori, I know words will never make things better and that I cannot comprehend the pain and loss you are feeling, but I want you to know that both G and I are hurting for you. When I think about your little blessing, I wish God had chosen for him to be on this Earth longer. We are both praying for you and are hurting with you. I pray that God will pour down His comfort on you! I am so sorry!! I know nothing can make this better, but if there is anything I can do, please let me know. Love you !

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  9. Dear Lori - I am reading this and I am sobbing. Your words about Matthew are just beautiful. My heart is aching for you and your family.

    Much love and support,
    Jenny

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  10. Lori,
    What a beautiful letter. We are praying for your family and for God's comfort. Bless you all in the days ahead.

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  11. Lori & John, I am just one of many thinking about the three of you during this time. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son.

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  12. Lori, this is absolutely beautiful and I just cried right through it. Matthew was truly a miracle baby.

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  13. Lori, your letter to Matthew was absolutely beautiful, and although he may not be able to read it, he feels every bit of love and hears it. I thank the three of you for letting me be apart of your miracle, you have all touched hundreds of hearts and Matthew certainly has enriched thousands of lifes since the day he was concieved. My heart is ... See Morebroken,I am thinking of you constantly, and I am praying for you and John during this difficult time for comfort. I know words can not fix the pain, but I am so sorry for your loss. I am here for you always, please do not hesitate to ask for anything! I love you! xoxoxo!

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  14. Lori and John, Matthew was a true miracle. I know you feel so blessed to have been parents to such a special boy. I cry for you and am constantly keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Sending all of my love to you.

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  15. John and Lori, I am so heartbroken for you. I can think of nothing else these past 2 days and I'm just so sorry. Know that you are surrounded by many, many people who are holding you in prayer and wishing that you find some peace in the midst of your heartbreak.

    Kim H.

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  16. Please know we are thinking of you. I can not express how saddened I am by this news.

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  17. My heart breaks. We are praying for you all. May the Spirit be your Comforter today and always. God bless you, Lori.

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  18. Lori & John... My deepest sympathy to you both... I had checked in regularly over the past few days and was so saddened to hear that your little precious baby had so little time with you here on earth... I cry as I think of the heartbreak that you are going through right now... What beautiful words you have written.. I pray for strength for you as you grieve your precious Matthew..
    Thank you so much for sharing with us....
    Our thoughts and prayers are with you..
    Adrienne

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  19. Dear Lori and John,
    I am one of the many who read your blog and have enjoyed following your pregnancy with Baby Matthew. Although I never commented, I was excited to read each post. Now I am heartbroken for you both. I am writing today to let you know that many, many others, like me, are praying for you and asking God to comfort you as only He can. Your letter to your baby boy was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. God bless you and your family. I will continue to pray for you.

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  20. John & Lori,

    You are such a courageous example of Christian faith. I am humbled by your strength even in this great trial. Matthew may have only been on this earth very briefly but, he has deeply touched more people than you'll ever know. God is doing great things with your miracle baby. We will continue to pray for your healing, and your peace and comfort. If there is anything your "virtual family" can do, all you have to do is ask!

    Blessings,
    Hilary

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  21. I have followed your blog for the past 10 months or so, and have been praying for you non stop the last few days... not knowing why. Know that God loves you so much, that random people you never met from Florida are praying for you because He knew you needed it. I pray you feel Him close during this difficult time.

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  22. Dear Lori and John

    Mathew hears you and he definitely knows how much you and John love him.

    Lori and John, we are here for you and know that everyone is holding your "hands".
    God will guide you both through every minute of every day. Our hearts and mind have been wrapped around all of you for the past few days.
    We love you sooooooooo much.

    Your letter is beautiful to Mathew.

    Put your hand on your chest and feel his heart beat through your "beat to life". He'll always be in-sync with your beat(he knows yours very well) for as long as yours is beating--.

    We love you ...

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  23. Lori and John, my heart aches for you. You've been in my thoughts and prayers for the past 2 days and will continue to be in the days ahead. Matthew may only have been here for a brief time, but he will live on with you and the many people that love and pray for you. I am so very sorry and will continue to pray for you and little Matthew.

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  24. Dear Lori and John,
    My deepest sympathy and I will keep you constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your letter to Matthew with us. I know that Matthew knows you were his parents and loves you very much and thanks you for everything you did for him. His little soul is with God now and they will be looking over the both of you until you reunite.
    Paige

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  25. Lori and John,

    I am so, so very sorry. If there was something that could be said, I would - but there are none. Thanks you for sharing Matthew with us.

    Bridget

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  26. Mrs Ennis and Mr. John,
    I love you and am so sad that the baby is in heaven. He is your angel now. Please give his VA Tech bear a big hug for me. I hope you are going to be okay soon. I miss you. I love you. Madysen Richardson grade 3 Greenview Knolls Elementary School

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  27. Lori,

    I agree with so many others - thank you for sharing your beautiful letter to your beloved baby boy with us. I feel so inadequate - like my words or my actions or my love can't possibly do anything to help you.

    John,

    I can cook and clean and be completely unobtrusive. If you need me to come, please let me know. If there is anything you can think of that anyone could do to help you, please let us know.

    Mandy

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  28. oh Lori.. thinking of you nonstop.. know that we are praying and so very, very, very sorry...
    wrapping you in huge hugs from MILES away....

    all my love and prayers,
    Lanetta

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  29. A beautiful letter from such a courages loving mother.My heart ache with you.Praying for your peace and healing.I know how hard it is to say goodbye to our baby angels and it breaks my heart to see someone else go through this kind of bottomless grief.Know that I am thinking of all of you.

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  30. Lori and John,
    Please know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
    Janiece

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you go through this taxing time in your life.

    ~Working Mommy
    Come on by, stay for a while and leave a comment or tow!!

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  32. Sweet, sweet Lori,
    I don't know if this is the right thing to say, or just completely the wrong thing. And maybe it's selfish of me to put it on here, but it is the only one of the many things running through my mind right now that gives me any amount of comfort, however small it may be. And it is my hope, that it may give you just a little bit right now, if that's even possible.

    "Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
    His yoke is easy, His burden is light
    You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
    Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
    Love them like Jesus"

    I love you so much. My heart is broken and I think it will not ever be the same again. I am so so sorry.

    Amber

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  33. Lori and John, I don't even have words that can express the sorrow. When Kim told us what happened our whole group I believed stopped breathing. From coast to coast we are shedding tears, raising your family and Baby Matthew up in prayer. He touched so many hearts in just a short time. Thank you for the courage to share with all of us your journey and your moments that you had baby Matthew here on Earth. Hugs, prayers, and much love.

    Ann B.

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  34. I am very sorry for your loss. May you continue to feel the prayers which surround you and John.

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  35. Lori and John - I am so very sad. My heart aches. I know that words alone cannot give you comfort, so I can only hope and pray that you feel the love and companionship of all those who have been with you for so long. I, too, am one who quietly watched from afar as your love for Matthew blossomed into something that touched all of us.

    Matthew is with you, and always will be. Know that.

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  36. Thank you for posting these courageous and inspirational words, and allowing me to know about your son. Your family is in my prayers.

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  37. I am so,so sorry for your loss. Bless you and your family. Bless your little one that is with the divine now.

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  38. Lori
    My heart continues to break for you & John as I sit here tears rolling reading your letter. Please know that you are being lifted up in prayers. You continue to touch so many even through this most difficult time!

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  39. Lori and John,
    I so wish things were different. I wept when I read your blog and was deeply saddened when I heard. I'm so glad you take comfort that the Lord our God has your son now, you are a remarkable testimony of Christian faith as Hilary said. Like many others, please let us know what your virtual family can do for you. Thank you so much for sharing with us your journey of life and loss, and thank you God for giving Matthew John 8 hours to be here on earth.
    Hugs and tears!

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  40. For all those who are so supportive to my sister and John, thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is truly the saddest thing I've ever seen and John and Lori need lots of love and prayers. So many of you have contacted me wanting to help in some way. For those who are interested, I will be posting details tomorrow... regarding a fund that is being established at John and Lori's credit union to help with funeral expenses for our little baby Matthew. Please send me a message or email me at joyalinc@gmail.com for details, and I will post more info here tomorrow afternoon.

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  41. I can't stop thinking about you, John and baby Matthew. Your reliance on God during this difficult time is a true testimony to what it means to be a believer, and I know God will use your faith to bless others. In this time of grief I keep remembering that Matthew went from the arms of his father here on earth to the arms of his Father in Heaven. We are praying without ceasing for you here in Texas and trust that God will sustain you during this dark time of grief.

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  42. Oh Lori... I am so desperately sorry. We do not know each other but I wanted to pass along a support blog to you. I am so sorry for this road you now must travel. My heart aches for you. http://www.glowinthewoods.com/about/

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  43. Lori,
    You are a beautiful writer. What a gift to Matthew! He was and always will be a loved little boy! Praying the grace and strength of Jesus gets you through and that you hold fast to Him.

    Love, Mel

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  44. Lori and John:

    I too have wept for you, even though I know you only through this blog which has been a joy to read for many months. Matthew will forever be special to all your readers. My family will be offering prayers this week and at coming holidays that your family finds a measure of peace over time.

    Kathy W

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  45. Lori and John, I found your blog through a mutual friend, and I have no words of comfort for you in this time of profound loss. Please know I have walked this road before you, just earlier this year, and GOD IS FAITHFUL.

    Prayers are bathing you and yours, all the way from TN.

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  46. Oh Lori and John, words cannot express.... Sending you lots of love. Matthew has meant so much to us all.

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  47. In lieu of donations towards funeral expenses and in lieu of flowers, John and Lori have asked that any donations/contributions
    be made to either Mr. John Wrights unrelenting work to help babies in Kyrgyzstan and/or to the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization in Matthew's memory:
    To donate to Act of Kindness via paypal, please click here:

    http://actofkindness.blogspot.com/2009/12/in-matthews-memory.html
    or you may also make checks payable to:
    Society of Cornelius
    Memo: orphan account .EKG
    and send them to:
    Possibilities International
    Suite 253525
    Highland Road West
    Kitchener, Ontario
    N2M 5P4

    To donate to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep by web, click http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/donate/
    or you can mail your check to:
    The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation
    7201 S. Broadway St. #150
    Littleton, CO 80122

    Thank you for keeping Matthew's memory alive and not allowing his passing to be in vain.

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  48. Lori and John,
    I have followed your blog for months and am so, so sorry for your loss. Your letter to your son is beautiful and such a testament to your faith. I know I can't fully understand the pain you must feel right now but I am lifting you up and crying with you.

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  49. Lori,

    I really am at a loss for words. I am so sorry for your loss of beautiful Matthew. I commend your bravery and courage to write like you did and express as much as you did. I will continue to hold you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

    Hugs-
    Jes

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  50. Lori. I am heartbroken for you and John. I have been thinking of you every minute these past days. You, John and Matthew are in my prayers.
    Love,
    Kristi

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  51. Lori,
    What a beautiful post. I am so sorry - what a shock. I am praying for you and John.
    Shan in Colorado

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  52. Lori, I am so truly sorry. The pain of losing a baby is beyond what anyone should experience. Matthew will always be your precious angel baby and will be with you in your heart forever. I wish you much strength as you travel thru such tremendous pain. I know I found strength thru connecting with other moms who had also experienced such loss (ivillage stillbirth/infant loss boards). My heart is with you.

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  53. You don't know me, and I am new to your blog... I just came across a link to your site the other day. But I wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will continue to be. I will not pretend to know what you're going through right now; only a fraction, as I reccently (2 months ago) lost my baby at 16 weeks. I know your heart is broken and I am so sorry. If I can be of help to you in any way, please PLEASE let me know.
    A new friend in Christ,

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  54. Mrs. Lori and Mr. John,
    I know that I can't hold Matthew here on earth, but I will see him one day in heaven. My entire class is praying for you everyday. We are memorizing a poem called The First Snow-fall by James Russell Lowell. It is about a man who lost his daughter, but then had another one. My teacher said that maybe one day that thousands of 5th graders would read about your story and something good coming from it.

    If you start to cry, just think that one day you will arrive in heaven, and Matthew will jump in your arms and say, "I love you, Mommy and Daddy."

    Love,
    Samuel Clemons

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  55. Beth (Eberlein) EaganDecember 6, 2009 at 4:06 PM

    Dear Lori, I haven't seen you since college but I just wanted to write and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. The picture of Matthew is beautiful and your words to him touched my heart. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  56. Words simply cannot express the heartbreak I feel for you and your family. Your letter to Matthew was so incredible, I thank you for letting us all in during this difficult time.
    I have sent numerous prayers up to heaven and will continue to do so. You are contstantly in my thoughts. May the Lord walk with you and give you strength, courage and peace.

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  57. Lori, as you said in your comment to me.. a little late, but I am so very sorry that Matthew had to leave you so soon. I've not read through your entire blog yet, but I cried many tears reading this one post, and knowing that you were so excited to be meeting your little boy, your first born son, with your induction brought forward. I can relate to so much of your story with Matthew.

    I'm glad that you found me. Sending you guys much love.. xxx

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  58. Lori,
    My heart is breaking just reading these words. To know that someone else on this earth is going through very similar things. Doesn't seem fair does it? I know that God never gives us more than He gives us strength to handle. God bless you and your sweet husband. You are in my thoughts and prayers...always.
    God Bless You Both,
    Desiree

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  59. Oh dear Lori.....bless your sweet heart. I can't read this without crying and trying to imagine the pain and suffering you have been thru. Matthew - such. Abeautiful name and such a beautiful boy. I pray for you right this minute and for your husband too.

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