Saturday, December 24, 2011

It's Ok, He's With Me...

We are headed to Maui tomorrow. For the last several years, this has been a rough time of year. Dad passed on November 27, 2006. We sat at an empty Christmas tree in 2007, missing Dad and still no children. At Christmas 2008, we pretty much realized the adoption we'd been working on for nearly a year and a half was not going to happen, and anticipated what IVF was about to bring. Matthew was born and passed on November 28 and 29, 2009. Last year, we were hopeful, but cautious, sadly missing some of the joy of Christmas simply because we were uncertain about Luke's impending arrival.

And this year...

This year, I am taking my precious little almost one-year old on a plane bound to celebrate Christmas with family in Maui. He's standing on his own (just a few seconds at a time, and often falling with a thump), cutting four teeth at once, and talking up a storm. He insists on trying to feed himself (heck, he's insisting on trying to do everything himself) and he is such a joy there just aren't words to express it.

When people ask me how I've been able to survive, and more, survive with my faith in God in tact, it's moments like this one I am having right now...typing as that sweet boy plays with a rubber watch he finds fascinating as he wears a snowman shirt and reindeer socks. After Matthew died, my heart was so broken and so crushed, I knew that I'd never, ever, ever be able to have the same level of happiness I'd once had before.

And I was right.

But I have a deeper and different level of happiness, and that can only be from God. A few weeks ago, while having communion, and quietly praying before taking the wafer, I prayed, "Jesus, forgive me. Forgive me for wanting Heaven so badly because I want Matthew and not You. Not that I don't want You, but Lord, I want Matthew so badly. Please just forgive me for not having You at the top of my list...but know it's because my heart misses him so much."

I am not someone who 'hears' God very much.

But I did that morning. I heard, as clear as anything I've ever heard in my head, "It's ok. I know. He's with me. And I've used his little life to bring you closer to me. It's ok."

Friends, for the first time in two years, I finally, finally, finally believed that it IS ok. I felt like instead of losing Matthew, I had been given more. Not only have I been able to have a deeper relationship with God (amazing what sole dependence will do), but I've been given the most amazing gift of Luke, AND I have Matthew in Heaven too.

Instead of hurting over what I've lost, I was able to see what I've been given. I feel like I've been appreciative of every second with Luke, but for the first time, instead of feeling like I'd been totally robbed of Matthew, I was reminded that I HAD him...and one day would have him forever, and in the meantime, was blessed with so much.

That Sunday morning just a few weeks ago touched me in a way that I've been begging God for for over two years now.

And I am reminded that the best gift I've ever been given is Him.

I hope anyone who still even reads this has the most blessed of Christmases. I know many are hurting, and I remember so well that raw, intense pain.

But I know the joy I have in my life right now, and know that truly, the only way that could be is God. It's just not anything but the supernatural power of God.

All our love,


  1. Amen -AMEN He is the truth, the light, the way. Thank you Lord for your affirmation to Lori and thank you for sending us your Son. All things are possible through you. Merry CHRISTmas

  2. I'm so glad that you heard the message from God - I had that experience over the summer too, it's utterly amazing. I hope that you guys have a very safe flight and have a wonderful Hawaiian Christmas. I will be thinking of all the ladies from our little group this Christmas. Thinking of you!!!

  3. Oh Dear Lori, this made me want to cry. I truely know what you mean. I need that and want that so badly. My heart aches So badly for my Naomi more than ever now.

    Beautifully written.

    Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Beautiful family photo. xoxox

  4. Lori what an awesome God we serve! My heart is full and so many things are running through my mind right now as I remember that moment God spoke to me and completely brought me full circle with my grief. Don't get me wrong there are times when I look back and remember that I feel sad and there are way way way more times that I look back and remember and I am filled with so much joy that I had those 3 months with my little man. I remember sharing with you that I felt like if I were to talk about Devin that I would never stop crying again. Oh how untrue those words prove to be the day I called you. Matthew life was for a purpose so much greater then we could ever imagine. Not only through his life and death did God use him to bring you closer to him, he also used him to bring me closer to God, as well as usher in the healing and understand of Devin's death that my heart so longed for for 17years. Thank you for sharing your son’s with us, they are truly blessings of God.

  5. You made me cry. Enjoy Maui with your gorgeous family. I hope this is the happiest of holidays for you! Much love and many hugs, J

  6. This made me tear up... sending love...

  7. Well said. So glad our dear Lord was able to send you some precious words of comfort. I know that feeling so well ... Heaven = my babies. God used our loss in a similar way, more for my husband than for me, and that's ok. Now I know not only will I be in Heaven with my babies, but also with my husband.

    I live reading about Luke

  8. Oh my word, sweet Lori...this is beautiful! I know God spoke those words to your heart and brought you the precious gift of peace and reassurance. What a blessing. Much love to you! Hope you have a wonderful trip...and hope your Christmas was lovely. Blessings to you in the coming year...

  9. Wow! What wonderful peace. Through little Matthew's life, you have done so much good, even if unintentionally. Love just radiates from your words and photos!

  10. Safe travels sweetest friend...and continued strength and blessings in the new year.


  11. I just love this. I'm so glad spoke to you and told you it was ok. I think that God was not only speaking to you but speaking to so many others when you shared it. Thank you!